i got nothin'

sometimes...

what happens, is that you don't see what is happening. If you are me, you generally don't see it (because you are so wound up in the moment, you have no other perspective) and so things happen, and they are ok, and they are not. Me, I'm actually ok. I live my life the way I want right now, and TBH I can't complain about it. My job gives me the autonomy I desire, and my personal life requires only the minimal of upkeep, and, truth be told, I'm ok, for the first time in...FOREVER with that. I love my living space. My job is what I love and the peeople I work with I dig SO MUCH. I wish my schedule was a little different so i could spend more good time with my family, but that might work itself out in a while. the reality is, that my heart is scarred, and i move forward, because that is all i can do. so i....do.

sometimes this feels like everyday

it's back on!

We qualified for Champs league, and then a last minute miracle transfer brings the single best midfielder in the world to Arsenal. Giroud and Theo must be like kids waiting for Christmas Day right now. Plus, we bought another keeper, 2nd best in Italy, so...yeah, gonna be a fun season I think. I hope. The team seem more team-like than i've ever seen them, and Poldi, Pez & Ozil are already pals! woohoo!

Buddy Guy "Damn Right, I've Got the Blues" on Guitar Center Sessions

SG was able to get me backstage today to Superchunk - and all I can think about right now, is this. That's how my damn head is right now.

dream a little dream

Another week. The little brother's life just went into a tailspin as his stupid wife decided that her marriage was inconvenient. And that apparently, the only things she and he had in common was their son. Yeah. That's another point for the emotionally damaged, one more loss for Love.
Meanwhile, 'zino is on fire with a prohibitionist New Busguy, which leaves me a bit emotionally disturbed and not feeling much love for my former partner in fermenting, etc. But, gotta do what I gotta do.
Finally, just wanted to note that the less I drink the more i dream (duh) and last night was an epic dream where i was part of a football ramble (which i'm sure i fell asleep listening to, as i tend to these days) but i dreamed they were videotaping it, they all had families, and the plot outline was a big picnic that they had invited me to. It included their wives being nice to me, Bacary's wife appearing outta nowhere, me following the guys from room to room, them being a little less rough than they look in pictures, great british (?) food, and the end scene, as they wrapped the episode, i got to get all intense with Marcus, of course. Brilliant all the way around. If only i could convince my brain to not drink more often.

Summer heats up.

Firstly, Hempfest, you are a bad idea on fire. I'm all for legal pot, but a three-day excuse to sell tie-dye, eat fried food and listen to jam bands? On the waterfront? In August? Isn't that what one goes to the County Fair for? Plus, you hippies are jacking the parking in belltown up, and when you wander into my restaurant blazed outta your pea-brains, you realize you only have enough money left for meatballs (or prosciutto and fruit) and splitting a beer - get out and make room for the real diners. Argh.
Anyway, things are jumping with the new owners, which is great to see; though we have had our first major dustup as New Busguy (he's not so new now) made a colossal mistake in judgement and threw the entire staff under the bus - it appears our new owners are understanding (that is, they can't replace all of us at once) but he has severely damaged the morale and his own status at the restaurant. More details to follow, but I have to hand it to the 'zino, it never, ever fails to amaze and amuse.
Oh, and it's opening day in the PL and my beloved Arsenal were demolished by....Aston Villa. I dunno what it is about Villa, but they really know how to work us over. We scored early, and then....a series of horrendous calls from the officials, some horrible tackles (leaving us with all the injuries we really can't afford at this point since we have bought NO ONE), and boom, we lose the first game of the season. It doesn't look good at all. This is going to be a tough one. Though thanks to the official site, i can now listen live to the matches for free, but dammit, we need some help. COYG!

what's good

http://youtu.be/YeZK9Y9HH3k

missing in action

i've been writing, but not posting here. things i used to be ok with sharing aren't...so much, now. the restaurant is going through big changes, and as i've stepped up into an actual sous position, i find myself emulating my chef (My Chef, not the current that i work for, CM) more and more. the great food, amazing ideas (i frigging spitballed a take on carolina bbq that i didn't even know i had in me. turns out, i read a lot, and taste, a lot) and even to the point of making pates. (Though, i still am not done with it - so many tweaks i want to make) but, i'm also emulating a lot of the emo stuff he put me through - with my line cooks. one in particular, who doesn't have any passion, much less technique. he doesn't (in my mind) try. He slams things, bangs things, whistles in the kitchen (why does that drive me so batshit? would i prefer bryan adams' windmills?), still, after 3 months, doesn't understand how to read, much less fire a ticket, and for the love of all things kevinseconds, can barely boil water without a prompt. still, it in no way excuses the shit i give him, nor my being enabled by my adoring (yeah, clearly they're all crazy too) serving staff; who have been seeing to it that i remain, if nothing else, satiated during service in an effort to keep me....less angry.
but, like My Chef, i have a switch, and last night it flipped. i was unprofessional on the line, and CM called me out on it, and I apologized to him for being flip, but not to Monkeynuts because....because I find it hard to speak to him at all. I know he must feel confused and wonder why i hate him so much, what he's doing wrong (again)....i remember feeling that pressure. but then, i remember that i love this, i care about this, this job that i've chosen will keep me at the poverty line for the rest of my life. i won't ever own a house, a new car, anything. i won't ever have things, becuase i made this silly choice to do what i love so late in life. so when i get angry at a stupid shit who is only cooking because he can't be bothered to do anything else...it becomes so personal to me. i wish i could let that part go. anyway, more later, maybe. i gotta go.
also got a quick message from the Stray last night: sent me a link to IFHY by Tyler. Yeah, that stings.

Birthday dinner at johann's family's farm

Sheep, tomatoes, lamb, wine, volleyball, nephews, brothers, old couples, new couples, religion, fruit, chickens, eggs, ice cream, kumbocha, bonney lake, chance (not chase) jewelry store, chipper's, etc.
I was invited to NewBusguy's family home for his birthday. All these things happened. It was lovely and heartbreaking, like all family events are. So many odd memories, so many similar paths, and yet soooo, very different.
Humans freak me the fuck out.

thursday is monday

sounds of summer

bottled bing cherry kombucha tonight. i think it's my favorite so far....it's also almost time for footy. It's still a bit early yet, but late into the transfer season, and it looks as if it will be the Bi-Polar-ist of all bipolars this year for my Gunners. We might sign a bitey (but gifted on the pitch) Uruguayan, we might sign a guy with new hair, we might sign a french dude (oh, wait, we did that; we might sign multiple french dudes) we might just wait for the baby Jesus (Jack) to get back to regular training.
Who the hell knows?
What is interesting to me, ultimately, and as usual, is the journey. I am now five years into following the Arsenal. Not much for those who were born into it (Like the folk @tuesdayclub or @footballramble) but I was reminded by my sensi (if you will) in an email, of those golden moments spent at the hot dog cart as he regaled me with tales of the Gunners, and of not watching the matches until he got home; of the personalities, of the history. Then we started going to watch matches together, and commiserating  after. So many long talks in 2010, watching my first entire World Cup as a Gunner. Watching matches all over SF with Tommy, watching them online, all the time. It's been a rough year, this last one, post-RVP, but here's hoping we come of age this year. That Theo fullfils his promise. That Ramsey kills all the Giant Orcs (from Stoke), that Jack becomes the King we hope for. That Louis scores a shit ton before he lops someone's head off and drinks the blood. Let's hope.

the answer has been in front of us the whole time

and texas too, dammit.

july already....

so many feels for this song.
also how hilariously retro is this video. adorable.

the truth is in the meme

breezy knows what's good

aannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, here i am again.

i had no idea how appropriate this band was for what was happening. just shows how out of step i had become. it all makes so much more sense, and i feel like an idiot for not picking up on it.

summer doldrums.

I am not gonna lie. I miss the Ramble something fierce. I have been just listening to them over, and over and over - the whole catalog. On my phone. I don't even have room for music at this point. I just keep downloading and listening to Rambles.
When I was in college, my boyfriend (the very first serious-y one) had a habit of falling asleep to talk radio - particularly a high-range AM station from SF. The host was a blazing liberal, and he stayed in that slot for years - I would always delight in being able to tune into KGO and check out Ray on the overnight slot. We listened to him a lot when we'd be driving, speed-enhanced to Seattle (we'd make it literally an 11-hour trip from NorCal).
I just mention it because, since Ray left his spot at KGO, I haven't found much I can drift off to (and for those of us in the industry, it's either drifting off to sleep or passing out, and I am getting a bit old for that physical pain) - but seriously, the Ramble guys? Je te adore, or whatever the french term is for I LOVE THESE GUYS. Yeah, one's a Gooner, but still. So good. Summer needs to end  because I miss Marcus, Pete, Lukey, & Jim or James :) I miss my bi-polar Gunners as well, but that goes without saying. Also: still waiting for a signing. Please can we not wait until 15 minutes before the season opener again Arsene?

Strike 2

I hadn't expected to actually see the Stray walk in again - but when he did it was so sweet and so warm...and then later...it wasn't. And instead of telling him how much i love him and care and all the rest - instead, i...reverted to form. Thought i'd made so much progress. Argh. Don't think I'll get another chance to...fix it, I guess. I suspect it's not fixable anyway.

intermission