This is the part where I regurgitate the feel-good platitiudes...sorry, affirmations. One day at a time. Keep your head up. When a door shuts a window opens. Nothing good comes easy. Through pain, we understand what joy is (I kinda free-formed that one), etc. Not gonna lie. It's been a rough week. Two weeks. Month? Even an awesome pen pal can't take the sting out of a soul-sucking job. There is light at the end of the tunnel (ooh, another one), maybe. Have been launching resumes out at a steady clip, trying to get back into a kitchen. Not gonna wimp out this time. Gonna go for it. Might be getting it through a contact I made at the hot dog thing. So I don't suck. Which is nice to remember, because I have felt totally like the peasant standing in the river as it rises to just at her nose...she can't swim, because the water might cover her. She just tries to stay in place while it flows past, hoping it doesn't rise any further. It's going to get worse over the summer if I stay here and Owner2 has made it clear he has no confidence in me. Maybe I should have fought harder for the festival today, but ultimately, why? So I can watch it go to hell? Sure a victory would be nice, but I'm kind of at a cut-my-losses stage. They won't fire me, and that's their mistake. I won't just storm out, and I will fucking milk it if i have to. Because ultimately, I'm alone, I have to look out for myself. So many moral issues I have. So many tedious issues. The saddest part is having CG come into the place, and I won't be able to stay. But that's part of it too - it breaks my heart to be around him. Again. All the scar tissue that had formed is gone, and it's just another raw nerve to go with the trauma of hot dogs, the death of the real dog and the loneliness of being so far from family and other than the big K2, friends who really know me.
I miss Seattle. Though if I take another new job I'm not going anywhere. Crap. i really wanted this to work, but it hasn't ever felt right. At all. MUST make it right.