According to generally accepted Whovian definition, Eleven is officially my Doctor. That is, he's where I picked up the story. That's right, I jumped the Anglophenia Express at Arsenal Station and headed via the scenic route to Cardiff; via Jonathan Creek, Peep Show, Black's Books, Green Wing, Pulling, Coupling, QAF, QI, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Grandma's House, Mighty Boosh and various sundry British television shows, not to mention the others from my childhood like All Creatures..., Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, or the Young Ones. Doctor Who though - I mean I'd had a basic idea about the show based on hazy memories of snowy PBS channels and shows with echoey sets, british accents, arch costumes and the giant albatross of SCIENCE FICTION SHOW dangling off it. I'd heard the fandom were like Trekkers (I know they don't like to be called "ees") and so just let that vision of the show and its fans sit, occasionally referenced but never really experienced.Until last spring, when I found myself swept up in a marathon of the latest Doctor Who series that was leading up to the newest season. I found the writing funny, smart, and at just the right level of sci-fi to be engaging without being irritating. Matt Smith, as the current incarnation of the Doctor is so geeky-quirky-smart-funny-offbeat that it didn't take much for me to get hooked. I'm a sucker for the quirky geek genuis-y types. Stephen Merchant writes so well, has a Sorkinesque ear for dialog, it was like no other Doctor Who I'd ever imagined (I'd always pictured them being written like a cross between Brideshead Revisited and Star Trek....yeesh). The current plot arc is twisty and romantic and a bit of a puzzle and has an genuine sense of play about it while still being also scary in the way that shows like The Twilight Zone could be. Humanity. I didn't know that it's always been a theme in Doctor Who, the show that will celebrate 50 years on TV next year, but certainly would explain it's longevity..
After catching up and completing the newest episodes, I was left wanting more...so much of Doctor Who concerns where the character has been and who his companions and enemies are, that I decided, after much reading that I'd go ahead and start watching from the most recent reboot. And, like that, Nine became my new curl-up-and-watch pretend boyfriend. Even after just watching "Rose", I was drawn even deeper into the mythology, because it was if I had travelled in time - now I knew what this character's future held, but I hadn't seen all his past, it was the most ingenius way to watch TV, so different from the way most shows are structured.
That's a big part of why I enjoy the show so very much, that it has the ability to be so many things, and, as done by Russell Davies and Stephen Merchant, spoke in a verancular I can absolutely understand. Intrinsic, even if it is very, very British. It also has a universal sweep (literally like The Universe universal, and figuratively), and it always has that storythread of investigation and discovery. Of people and beings trying to get along as they go about the business of living. It's good stuff, and though I find Billie Piper a distraction, I think the character of Rose was one that certainly we never see in America of British young women from a specific social standing. Martha, a med student is a little more familiar; and Donna, brash and impulsive and not the typical pin-up model, but was smart, strong and best of all a genuine friend of the Doctor. I'd never seen characters quite like that in US shows before.
What it still comes down to most of all though, is how can you not like a story of an amazingly smart and dashing guy in a time machine racing around the universe having adventures, and usually looking for some company, cause it turns out he's a little dark on the inside as well. The Tardis could show up anywhere and the more episodes I watch the more comforting I find the show.  It hit all the major buttons for me last summer as I settled into a new job and into the Definitely Not Dating column again. Just in time to move into three seasons of David Tennant's reign as Ten. Previously I had actually avoided the reboot because he was so ridiculously good looking it seemed hard to imagine the stories could have any weight or interest. I was, happily wrong (ok, there are a few weak episodes but overall, great stuff, with special effects really finally catching up to the writing).
My absolute favorite thing about Ten is him as this Converse-clad Time Lord who is at both a genius and a goofball. With sticky-uppy hair, no less. He also has a temper, and a code of conduct, but is impulsive and tends to have to tell people he's sorry a lot. Ten has several catchphrases, but my favorite is "Allons-y!"
Which is, of course,  French for "Let's Go!". It's a phrase I embrace, and to see it embodied in a TV show is encouraging. I think people should be encouraged more to give things a go. In the face of a stiff challenge or unknown future, isn't the best thing is to get in it, try it, see how it fits? Give it a whirl, see how she flies.
One of the things Doctor Who seems to always do when he is confronted with aliens from other planets who always seem to have a penchant for having Earth as their own, is that he asks them what is wrong and how can he help.It's a value that doesn't get taught much, to ask how you can help, and then to try and do something to be helpful.
There is a great sense, to me, anyway, that the Doctor knows about risk (and maybe that's a British thing and happens to a culture that made it through the Dark Ages and the Blitz) and looks it in the face and says it anyway: "let's go!" Interestingly, Eleven says "Geranimo!" which, is essentially the same thing (though with a decidedly American bend) - lending itself to the idea that the Time Lord, in any of his incarnations is a creature who understands the meaning of living in the present more than any other, specifically because for him, time doesn't move in a simple line. He (and his companions) are always living in everyone else's present, which is a fun, existential quirk for me, and keeps me hooked into the show...but most of all it's the way that the show seems to encourage discovery of not only planets and creatures but of the characters themselves.The junior executive anthropologist in me digs that.
Throughout the fall and holiday season, I had actively been working allonsy into my repertoire and, as usual, the Universe has responded in kind, almost saying: "Ready? Ready to see something amazing for real?" and all I can say is: hell yes, land that Tardis here. Let's go somewhere cool. 

I mentioned the return of Theirry Henry to Arsenal the other day. Photos are flooding the interwebs, and it's surreal and wonderful, to have the mythical talisman captain back is huge. To have it be now, when Arsenal is at a nadir of confusion and struggling to be cohesive is even more of a gift. Love is such a strange emotion, one I normally hold at arm's length and wonder what sort of trouble it's going to get me in THIS time. Loving Arsenal, with all their epic brilliance and silly juvenile mistakes in the last couple seasons, has provided notes for how my understanding of the many layers can work. For me to say I love a sports team at all is still a little shocking when I think about it objectively. But, when I say it now, it feels as natural as anything in the world. Of course I love my team - I have come to know the players, their quirks, their struggles, the manager, his battles and failures. True, I've never been to an actual match, but I have watched live on mornings with a hardy band of like-minded people, and it is fun.
This was news to me. Having been sure for so long that I was a fully self-contained unit who couldn't be swayed by group activities, especially sports. Somehow, I seemed to conveniently ignore that being in a band was being on a team. That I was learning about how team psychology works, even though I was blissfully marching along thinking that we were simply like-minded individuals doing what we loved to do for people who would dig it.
Henry has mentioned that he comes back to Arsenal with a love for the team that he didn't have the first time he played for us. Which has struck me as interesting, and somewhat amazing given the timing. What does he mean now when he says he loves the team? He played 8 years for us without loving Arsenal? Maybe he played because he loved to play, and at Arsenal he played and was successful at the top level of international football. However, he still chose to leave.He didn't completely love the team, didn't appreciate all that it offered all that it represented. I would love to ask him when his feeling for the club changed in such a subtle, yet seismic way. Surely, he had a love of the shirt, of being proud of being on a winning team, but to love Arsenal, to use that particular word...it is interesting, especially given I'm talking about a sport here.
It occurs to me all these years later, that following a sports team manifests a kind of love I have encountered before, but didn't realize. They provide an emotional connection, the games provide performance, drama and a story. Sure, I knew that a bit in my head, but only recently have I come to understand it in my heart. When I wonder what the hell is going on at the half of a game in the dressing room on a match day when we are losing, now I think about arguments; or worse stony silences in band practice spaces. What I'm trying to get at here, or get back to - is the idea of love. How it can be so many things. You can't love or hate something you don't care about. You love because you are invested emotionally. To be invested is a risk, and it might be heartbreaking - watching Samir leave Arsenal in the manner that he did was so depressing, having taken him into our hearts as a rising star, singing songs for him only to watch him turn on a dime, for...well, a LOT of dimes. His loyalty to our club wasn't there in the end. On the other hand, Henry has always been the most class of acts, who moved on from the club at his strongest, and has always been civil and fair to his former team, and in recent years as he talked about coming back, about possibly returning to be a part of the team again, you couldn't help but wonder: would it be the same? I'm so very interested in what has prompted Henry to be so enthusiastic about how being a fan, a lover of the team has changed the way playing feels for him. his desire to help the team again, he said was a big part of why he wanted to return
Ultimately, could the Boss not accept Theirry when he expressed interest in playing for Arsenal again? How could you not say, "Ok, Titi, you are older now, and you left us when we needed you most, and it's been a tough go without you, but you want to return, and you have played in Barcelona, you've been slogging it out in the horrible wilds of American footy, where no one appreciates you and you are losing your lustre, so yes, let's do this, let's give it a go again, bring your talent and your experience back to us show us again who you are."
Our current team, which is a strange mix of experienced national captains and a bunch of really talented but underexperienced kids who have been fighting for every victory tooth and nail, need a rallying point, something to agree on, something to work with. Theirry, brings this in spades. And, if his homecoming goal is any indication - it's doing him some good as well - his touch was brilliant again, he hasn't scored many like that in the 2 seasons he's been in New York, where he seems to be just a placeholder and name to attract butts to seats - you know: "come see the former legend". However, just one game back home at the Emirates, the stadium his Invincibles Team built, and he was back on form. There's a lesson here, right? You can go home again, once you've traveled where you need to so that you appreciate it as your Home. Theirry said it himself in the post-match interview after Leeds: he said it was very different playing for Arsenal as a fan of the club. When he was here before, he was, yes the captain, but he was "from France" and hadn't grown up following Arsenal (like, say, Jack Wilshere, who joined the Arsenal youth squad at 9 years old, who is destined to follow in Tony Adam's footsteps, though he's only just 19 right now), and when he thought he had done all he could do with us, he left. He went on to play for Barca, where it wasn't quite the same, he spent a lot of time on the bench in his last season there, they never used him as they could have, and seemingly lost his fire. He moved to the NY Red Bulls and everyone wrote him off as clearly not having "it" anymore.Like Bex but without the social calendar. It's an incredibly risky thing to come back to the Premiere League - the most competitive in the world. He had everything to lose, he'd be that guy who tried to regain old glory and failed, But he took the risk, he came back to us and put the kit back on...and fucking scored the winning goal in a cup playoff game. What more could you hope for? Surely, it's got to make him feel great about taking the chance to up his game, do the work and come back to the club that only by leaving did he grow to love more than any other. For The Manager, for Arsene, it's similar - it could have been looked at as a desperate bid, bringing back the guy who left, the guy who thought he was done with Arsenal, the guy who could be on his way out, trying to recapture old glory only to be an embarrassing joke. Many people in the press characterized it as Wenger's unwillingness to move on, to try and buy newer stars to do the business he needs to do. But Arsene Wenger is not the usual manager, and he brought Theirry back and it appears to already be good for everyone involved. Sometimes, love is risky, but as I think we are all realizing, totally worth it. Henry realized how important Arsenal was by leaving, and we realize how exciting his talent and potential are once again. It's an exciting time...

Chef Guy, when he was in one of his rare complimentary moods as we worked together, would often tell me I did nice work with the menus I created. Most recently, he told me that he was always impressed my whimsical approach to designing items. It sounds weird, right? Designing a menu item. I mean, it's easy to say: come up with a new flavor of cupcake.Then you flip through a flavor list, and pick and choose.
Not me though, I'm one of those people, those people whose approach to food is not just executing recipes. Though of course I love a good classic like everyone else - I know the intrinsic value of making creme brulee twice a week. The zen meditation and balance of getting the anglaise to just the right consistency and then pouring it carefully into the ramekins in their water baths, covering, cooking ever so carefully so that you get the smoothest silky custard ever.
I had a knack for it right out of the gate. Also do well with souffles. It probably shocks no one to know that all the baking items I do best with are the fussy ones - and fussy meaning petulant, not tidy, though I work amazingly clean for someone who abhors doing dishes in her own home. Anyway, baking was never supposed to be part of the plan, it just sort of dropped in my lap because, frankly, none of the line cooks ever wanted to do it. Even the ones with mad crazy skills in it, like CG, didn't want to get caught in the pastry ghetto.

I jumped at the opportunity to try new things, and especially given I was in Fresno, but in higher end restaurants - when I look back at some of the stuff I attempted and pulled off because I didn't know enough to be intimidated but did know enough to be dangerous...it just blows my tiny little mind. I have to own the fact that the first time I cribbed Thomas Keller's famous "banana split" I did (had to, I was working in CG's kitchen and he was a Keller acolyte) give props to where it came from. However...when I moved to the next restaurant, and got promoted to Pastry Chef when the blonde bombshell who had gone to pastry school bailed to return to the rough and tumble world of insurance sales (admittedly, better pay and better hours, but holy christ, all the soul sucking boredom!) I busted it out again and didn't mention where the idea came from, and the clientele were food savvy enough to be impressed, but not savvy enough to know where I'd pulled it from (to be fair, the banana split isn't his most well known, that would be "coffee and doughnuts" and I would have never done that one)...and then inspiration mainlining Claudia Fleming's work at Grammercy Tavern...my motivation when I decide to create something is to work as they do - as most people do at the higher end spots do now...though sometimes the pastry chefs don't quite get into it as much.

This is a very longwinded way of getting around to the fact that I hit (another) home run today, and I hit it with my least favorite bat: the cupcake. Cupcakes are really the only flexible item in our current product line in terms of working seasonally (which is my ethic) so I've tried to embrace it. I approach desserts as creating an experience for the person eating them. I want there to be a wow moment, a connection to a memory, a message from me to them: check this out, look what I made for you! Also, I try to be a little clever (or whimsical, whatever) and as I work on a concept, I don't just slap flavors together like legos. Usually I'll think about the season, what's available, what are people eating typically? What do people like? Then, I bounce ideas around until I come up with an idea I think I can execute. For cupcakes, one of the more unique things I do (and Shaggy, my executive chef pointed this out today again) is I'm kind of a geek about garnishes being both edible and handmade, if at all possible. So far with the exception of the candy cane in my "hot cocoa" cupcake (chocolate peppermint cake, dark chocolate ganache center, marshmallow cream frosting, and the candy cane as a "straw") I've been able to do that. I candy lemon zest like a pro (wait! I am a pro! yay!). Sometimes the ideas are very product oriented - a coconut cupccake, filled with a lime curd, topped with vanilla frosting and rolled in toasted fresh coconut, and I like those as well. Halloween it was chocolate cake, peanut butter cream filling, frosting tinted orange, and then topped with tiny sugar skulls I made. Tiny gingerbread men for the gingerbread cupcakes.
Today though, was the culmination in my most recent venue, of showing my exec what I do. I gave it a name ( i always give them names, but don't always tell him that, as not all our front of the house kids are that on the ball to get a concept for a cupcake): "schoolyard crush" as it's for valentine's day. I had used the fresh cranberries that came in one week to make a jam, so that they wouldn't go to waste. I was sure I could use it in a cookie or something. When asked to do a new seasonal cupcake though, I switched gears. Of course I immediately went for pb&j, as it's a classic combo that is a winner virtually all the time. How to do it better though, and how to tie it to Valentine's Day? Pb& j....makes me think of lunchboxes.....gradeschool...valentines...those cruddy candy hearts...bingo. Vanilla cake, jam filling, pb frosting, and I'll make the candy hearts (never done that before!). And that is exactly what I did. Shaggy was so stoked. When I presented it - he asked me about the hearts and if they were fondant and I said, well, technically that is probably what it is, but I made it from scratch and he side-eyed me and said "You're crazy, that's out of control" and smiled. When he tasted it, he said (about the hearts) "Wow, they taste better than I remember them" and smiled. That, kids, is the money shot for me. I don't get to go out in the dining room anymore during service to have customers tell me how much they loved the Tuscan Cannoli, or the "Beer & Pretzles" (Guinness flavored ice cream and housemade fresh pretzels...yes i did) or whatever crazy shit I decided to do (I once offered "Oreos 3 ways" without using a single actual Oreo, but creating them and the flavors in different forms on my own) so when I can make Shaggy (that's not his name, but it's similar, and he bears a striking resemblance to Scooby Doo's pal, and has a nice pastry background himself) smile I am stoked. He totally got it. So did my pal Suse, who is also part of the bakery team, but her German background and experience has her do more cut & paste sorts of things (amazing technician though, she is incredibly skilled).
Ok, enough rambling, it's so hard to stay clear when I start talking about this approach to food - I'll get it clear eventually.
Or at least, get the introduction to the second book done. One way or another.
Anyway, "schoolyard crush" feels good and appropriate right now. So good. I love that word "crush". It just sounds fun, nice, sweet. Crushing on someone is fun.
See, cupcakes can be fun, and metaphors, woot!

Right, so meanwhile, over at the Emirates... a place I have been not suitably attentive to for a couple weeks now, save for the occasional Ramsey fan girl blogs I check out...and recent events have distracted me even more. However...today Arsenal were playing Leeds in the 3rd round of the FA Cup (the only thing left for us to play for this year - Man City knocked us out of both the Carling cup and are dominating the PL with Man U, we might get past Milan in this next round of Champs league, but with our current form, it doesn't look good. And, even if we do get through, we'll only end up losing to Barca or Real, so you know, yay.) Admittedly, I was unusually iffy about the match today - even though Titi was set to be on the bench today. The legend I'd never thought I get to watch play for Aresnal again, was playing again. Plus, my pal Tommy, who I haven't seen for a few weeks because, like every other person on the planet - our schedules generally conflict - actually they parallel, but i have to be on the last train at 12:30 or i'm toast and so haven't made it to his spot on 24th and Mission on a night he's open, unless I go in to the city on my day off, and i try to avoid it in an ongoing attempt to save cash to move home, and also, there's the part where i like to do dink around at home, like this weekend, banging out the first demo of the conversation hearts... *sigh* *home* *sea otters* *mittens* My bad. Where was I? oh, yes, so Tom asked me to come to the pub and watch the Leeds match today. I arrived late, he left early. The bulk of the match was tedious, but holy cow, that one half-minute? Song passing to Henry, and him just guiding into the lower right corner like he'd always done (so they tell me, i've seen it on Youtube of course...but that's not the same) - and the pub was dead, but that totally brought it to life (in my estimation). It is even more emotional to watch clips online that people took in the stands, the jubilation....so intense, so warm. Everyone so crazy happy for Titi, for the club (we'd surely win now!), and just the poetic nature of the event. He was wearing the 12, literally, he's our 12th man now. It was his 12th goal in his 12 games against Leeds, in 2012. Numerology is silly too, but the coincidence is pretty crazy. It was also his 12th consecutive goal in an Arsenal jersey (the footy kids, they like their stats just like baseball freaks!) I love the Arsenal so much because it's a club filled with epic stories and characters (yes, i know all the clubs have them, but do they have 125 years of it? an Invincible Season? Ar-mutherfucking-shavin? ) - I listened to a Desert Island Discs episode with Tony Adams, who I've heard all about in podcasts and interviews: the Player's Captain, was known for his drinking and playing, his drive and determination, all of it. Listening him talk about his favorite music was so enlightening. He had awesome well-rounded taste, and picks that seemed to underline his sensitive nature and love of how music fills in your life sometimes. Ok, most times.I love that show, and the fact that they had Tony Adams on was a testament to his impact. I haven't seen another episode featuring a football player. Thierry Henry seems destined for that cultural nod too (guess that's why they both got statues this year), and already is a legend who is still playing. Plus it was against Leeds, it should have been a no brainer, and it kind of was - at least for those watching on another continent. So frustrating when the play is dull and you can't be there to see all the players, their bearing their demeanor. I so very much want to see Arsenal play in England, ideally at the Emirates, but I'm not choosy. I's be stoked, even if it meant being in the away end at Stoke (then i could lead a chant calling for Shawcross' head! because there's only ONE Aaron Ramsey). But there's this connection I feel with them with the supporters of this club because they all seem so different from other team's fans(see what i did there?), and it grows stronger, each season that passes, no matter how we finish. The heart and characters in this team is amazing. It's tough for us now, so many injured. I'm sure Bac and the Verminator want to be back soon so they can play with Henry, and poor Jacky! You know HE totally wants to get in! Anyway, it was a good finish to a lackluster game up until that point. Tom and I need to meet up again though for the whole match, and of course, a sandwich from Molinari's ideally, on a day I don't have to go to work after so I can enjoy my Guinness with the goals :) So, the final was 1-nil o the arsenal, we move to the 4th round of the FA cup and face Swansea on Saturday. And, my fantasy team is still at the top of the Cutty league, and in top 5 in two others, who'da thunk it? Not me, not in a million years.

Well, that's just about right. It appears deleted the last post - the one about the bully. Dammit. I wanted a raw record of that. Can't seem to find a way to get it back. It would appear there is no dumpster diving at Blogger. At any rate. I've got a (I think) Thompson Twins song in my head today "What is Love, Anyway?" at least I think it's them, if not, it should be....cause it's a ridiculous bit of 80's new wave, but appropriate. anywayyyyy....
This is the question of the day when the universe/rollercoaster/life slams you right into a sharp turn that apparently you didn't see cause you were busy looking at the kid next to you who looks like he's gonna hurl. What? So, there I was, minding my own business, skulking around that Social Networking Site and see a message from an account that appears to be in a foreign language. Thinking that it's either the Nigerian Prince nagging me about sending my checking account info so he can wire the fortune to me, or another international Arsenal account...I click on to read. Oh. and it was Latin. I should have known immediately.
Interestingly, I didn't (so that's good, right? That I'm not constantly hoping for someone specifically to contact me out of the mists of time) know. I read the first lines, about how if I ever wanted to hear a funny story...about how wrong he was, and right I was.
And my hands started shaking. Then a mention of the post about the bullying. Holy fucking cat's cradle bird on a wire cows wearing sunglasses........who reads my blog? I for a fleeting moment thought it might have somehow been someone on the train that night, it was so fucking far out of left field.
It was ex-SMRGE. Apologizing, after I said that I would certainly listen to a doozie of a story, knowing full well it might not be anything even remotely similar to that I had often daydreamed about him telling me on the fateful day that we once again spoke.
It was an apology for the way he treated me. That he had recognized (after 7 years with someone else) that he had made a mistake. It was....unexpected. I mean, that shit doesn't ever happen, even in movies. Or at least the movies I watch. Wait; did Mrs Doubtfire end with them getting back together? I can never get past him vacuuming in the old lady outfit....so maybe it does happen on occasion. But not to anyone I know.
Your ex-spouse, the one that left you never ever really comes back and tells you that he was a complete jackass and wishes he could turn back the clock. Sure they might think it, and I think we all hope in the back of our little mind (the mind my therapist gave the book "The Princess who believed in Fairy Tales" to for homework..) that they think it all the time as they flounder away in their shiny new life.
I mean, we were together almost just half as long as they were.
I stood up and immediately was a little dizzy. Sat back down. Stared at screen. Re read the note, and then as i was rereading, he sent another follow-up sure that he hadn't done the right thing. I started typing.
He did do the right thing. It is the right thing to apologize when you hurt someone. It's even better to try and make something good happen to sort of counterbalance the damage. Most of all though, it's about taking responsibility for oneself. Cannot stress that enough kids. The only way to heal the pain is by talking about it, getting it into the sunlight. We followed the brief exchange of social networking messages with an actual phone call.
That was weird. But weird in an exhilarating way. In hearing that voice again, marveling at it's resonance and familiarity, and yet the style of speaking had changed a little, and it was interesting.  He was very excited, and it was flattering to feel like he's actually found it important to make contact finally. We talked about what had precipitated it, how he felt, how astonished he was that I'd be willing to talk to him. That I didn't just hate him.
I don't have time for that sort of hate. I find it an emotion that is only useful when having to power through a major physical challenge - like nine months of culinary school in the morning and working at night. Of course you will do damage...I ended up often listening to Dave Matthews at one point and have vivid memories of early morning sunrises on my way to school with his live stuff playing to get me...god, what did that get me?
Oh yeah, straight A's 100% attendance, an awesome externship, and great jobs. oh, and that one instructor fired. But he had it coming.
I told him I knew he wanted me to be mad to berate him...but i'm not feeding that parasite that's leeching his soul. Nope, not gonna do it (also: i yelled shit in the car at him quite often. got it out of my system. that's key - seemed kind of retarded at the time, like this couldn't possibly do any good, but it did. when the time came, i'm totally able to be in the moment and appreciate it for what it is: a great show of effort and determination. Both things I am fond of in this particular human). That he places value on the time we had together is heartening as well, though of course will always be a little befuddling, given how it all went down. As part of our chat became tonight I think. But that's why the talk is so good, to sort it out.
The phone call was 3 hours. The next night of IMing, 6 hours and tonight again 3. I have a lot of feelings doing a little dance in my heart at the moment and the one predominant thing is "give it a chance" because I won't know if it's real if I don't try it. You have to give people second chances. It's why I moved to Eugene with Mike. It's why I let CG come stay with me here in the East Bay. It generally, in my experience, doesn't actually work out even the second time round...but I keep hoping. Cause I want (have) to believe that people are good, and that they want to be better. People are so generally shitty to each other so much in this world, if someone is willing to make a change and be nice, fuck it, I'm in. It's DIY, do. it. yourself.
There is also a small voice going "woohoo!" at all of this, if only because...it's just kinda nice.
All the advice I've been giving eSMRGE is for my own benefit as well. I need to remind myself what works and how it works. This is all part of an amazing confluence of the last few weeks, with holidays, geekness, job stuff, and tim minchin, all playing a part in 2012 coming in like a motherfucking lion.
Oh, and also, I remember it as him asking me out the first time. He was the one skulking around the color room chatting to me a little bit more each day.
I got the hopey tattoo literally just before I met up with him . We went to a diner. We talked continually for  hours that night. Hrm. 
Again, I'm not sure where it's all headed, but I'm curious to find out.
I'll keep us posted.