Turns out i'm still a pretty good pen pal. Arsenal fan and now new pen pal (ok, not pens, but email, but it's the same sort of exchange, and we do actually send packages in the mail too - which is awesome and fun) Simon is all that's keeping me in the mix right now. Haven't mentioned it to anyone, seems a little goofy. i mean, sure, I'll tell my best pal, but otherwise, it'll stay on the DL (except for shouting it here, into the ether!) until it manifests itself. But for now, he's funny, smart, loves Nasri & Sagna, lives not far from Emirates, and...at least in the photos, nice to look at. Haven't spoken on the phone yet, and I'm completely happy about that. In no hurry, enjoying the flirting, the mystery, the discovery. That part where everyone unloads all their baggage in one longwinded night, that's bullshit, and I'm glad for there being thousands of miles for now, something to look forward to is good now. It's what I need, because I'm floundering here and need something to take me outside of that seems to be this spiral. My goal is to meet, there, not here.
Not here, not now. There, not too far from now, though.
*sigh*

It was a whim. Like most things I do, it was impulsive, and the immediate rush when I received a phone call 7 minutes after sending off my resume clearly blinded me. Or, I have effectively lost any and all ability to focus. To set goals. To fucking STUDY, and PREPARE. Jeezus. I had to call back within 5 minutes because I realized I had neglected to remember the caller's name, being so blown away by her immediate response. So, that clearly set the tone. I tried to convince myself last night that it wasn't a big deal; "Well, at least she'll think I'm honest and can admit if I've left something out or don't know something." But tonight, at the interview. Who have I become? Stammering, unable to string together coherent thought, unable to effectively communicate what desserts I like to make most? What inspires me? What doughs CAN I make? She says "pate brisee?" and I fumble around like a 15-year-old at her first kegger. Pathetic. Then, have the temerity to say what I want out of my job is to "be happy" jesus christ, that would put the fear of god into any interviewer, me especially? WARNING: highly combustible ego ahead. Yeah. Top that mountain of shite off with a ridiculous monetary demand (which isn't, really, or shouldn't be, but in Berkeley where surely there will be a 26 year old with 4 housemates who can live on $12 an hour, i'm toast). I felt it going down the drain as it was happening and began grasping at straws, but she let me down gently. I don't expect to be asked back to stage, and so, all I can do now is to take this experience into the next one. PS jackass, don't just BRING your book, REVIEW it. Prepare for the interview for the love of Kevin Second's mother!! On that note though, she did seem to be amused that I was in a punk rock band for 15 years. Yeah, big whoop. I am going to die alone in the gutter, penniless, wishing to god I spent less time reading twitter and more time in the sun. What the hell is wrong with me?
Also, back on the wagon again. Well, mostly. No spirits, and am 2 beers away from being clean and serene, AGAIN. Well, clean at any rate. serene? yeah, got one day of SRM in before that went to hell. Tried to meditate in the morning, and all it did was almost make me fall asleep on the drive in. Nonsense, it's all nonsense. Also, should have accepted the offer of a sandwich from potential employer. WTF? I just didn't want any of them to have to make me anything. Ah well. Nice neighborhood though - I suspect it's where my boss and his delightful japanese wife & child live. Ack. how awkward would THAT be?