For a minute there, I saw daylight. Went to the 'Nats show as a final live show in a populated area before begining the long, cold, isolation excercise that has become my month east before heading south. It was a good show, though I took *Courtney* with, as she was the only person willing to brave the Croc on a Thursday. So that was kind of a drag, but it went okya, because after a couple of mixed signals, I coughed up the courage to approach SingerGuy and to make contact and it was good, and positive, and led to a sprited email exchange which naturally came to a screeching halt as soon as i mentioned the hurling/ridicule part of our night together. Damn MCWDITW, swear. And now I'm going back and forth about emailing a follow-up, but am certain that if i email it will look even more pathetic and desperate, so i guess i just leave it like i leave everything else. i mean, what to do? didn't go to the xmas party show as i was here in exile. am struggling with SMRGE and my feelings about this seperation. I want so much to be civil and understanding, but everywhere around me is anger at him. I don't even know really if i DO want to ever get together again, because ultimately, even if we do have so much in common - he's lying to me about receiving my emails and probably about the letters too - and i can't confront him about it, because, well a) im not supposed to know this and b) what's the point, beyond: hey he's lying to you to remove the responsibility of writing to you so THINK about that goof.
yeah. think about it. it's hard not to when it's all you've got time to do.
right. i lost my focus this weekend, ate enough to see on the scale (ulp) and so i need to get back into the zone.
also, the Eugene contingent is scary and rabid and a little troubling, but i'll bring it up with ken so that nothing is a huge suprose. he'll understand a quick SMRGE-reduction excercise - though if Xmas goes as i expect (will it? will anything go as planned ever again?) then i might not want to wipe that away - just like i didn't want UberEx to be the last taste in my mouth, i dunno if i want the Mistake I Made re:drummer in rad band i could have been with in seattle to be the last one i make.
y'know, writing in code blows. i don't know if i use the names if it will get hits, but after the diaryland escapade i'm scared.
ok, more blather later.