i've been writing, but not posting here. things i used to be ok with sharing aren't...so much, now. the restaurant is going through big changes, and as i've stepped up into an actual sous position, i find myself emulating my chef (My Chef, not the current that i work for, CM) more and more. the great food, amazing ideas (i frigging spitballed a take on carolina bbq that i didn't even know i had in me. turns out, i read a lot, and taste, a lot) and even to the point of making pates. (Though, i still am not done with it - so many tweaks i want to make) but, i'm also emulating a lot of the emo stuff he put me through - with my line cooks. one in particular, who doesn't have any passion, much less technique. he doesn't (in my mind) try. He slams things, bangs things, whistles in the kitchen (why does that drive me so batshit? would i prefer bryan adams' windmills?), still, after 3 months, doesn't understand how to read, much less fire a ticket, and for the love of all things kevinseconds, can barely boil water without a prompt. still, it in no way excuses the shit i give him, nor my being enabled by my adoring (yeah, clearly they're all crazy too) serving staff; who have been seeing to it that i remain, if nothing else, satiated during service in an effort to keep me....less angry.
but, like My Chef, i have a switch, and last night it flipped. i was unprofessional on the line, and CM called me out on it, and I apologized to him for being flip, but not to Monkeynuts because....because I find it hard to speak to him at all. I know he must feel confused and wonder why i hate him so much, what he's doing wrong (again)....i remember feeling that pressure. but then, i remember that i love this, i care about this, this job that i've chosen will keep me at the poverty line for the rest of my life. i won't ever own a house, a new car, anything. i won't ever have things, becuase i made this silly choice to do what i love so late in life. so when i get angry at a stupid shit who is only cooking because he can't be bothered to do anything else...it becomes so personal to me. i wish i could let that part go. anyway, more later, maybe. i gotta go.
also got a quick message from the Stray last night: sent me a link to IFHY by Tyler. Yeah, that stings.
