Leaving breadcrumbs for myself....

Just gonna take a minute and post this missive I posted on my birthday 19 years ago, because the thing I often forget is that as bleak as shit seems (yep, I'm in the weeds again, and this time, being this old, the weeds are more physically intimidating than emotionally, plus I've left myself a few markers, a few breadcrumbs, a few reminders to keep fighting) it can get so much better, and you don't want to miss it, right? I mean the thing of it all seems to be that you just keep playing until the lights go out. Anyway, from the banner year of 2004: chefguy And yesterday? Yesterday made every moment of the last 6 monthes worth it. Not that all those moments have been horrible, but some of them have been pretty bleak, at least emotionally. But yesterday, it came together. I met the Arlie of local cooking...and we had lots in common - from a background in music, to the passion for food. It rocked my world so hard and so fast that i'm going to do what i haven't done since i was in college and approached my TA - i'm gonna seek this guy out, because he's got experience and understanding and talent, and i want that. how, when where, all of it. what an amazing, gratifiying thing to have happen. and even if it doesn't all come together, it was that same intense feeling of interacting with someone who's following their passion, who follows their heart, who's sensitive (which he even mentioned, along with the fact that he was single, not that he's advertising, mind you) and not afraid to put it out there. Yeah, that was good. Also, there's A, who made me a cd of SRV which was a sweet and thoughtful gesture. It's funny, because he makes me feel all mushy inside, like i'm 16 again - which is weird, but in the best weird way there is...anyway. that's a whole other thing, what with schedules, and work and...well you just don't know. But today - today i'm calling that restaraunt, and seeing if i can't get more time to pick ChefGuy's brain. b-day wish comes true! So then, imagine calling the Arlie of local cooking, and asking him if he'd be interested, in just, you know, hanging out and letting you pick his brain about Life, the Universe and Culinary stuff, and he says yes. Yes. BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! Seriously - i was walking way, way up in the air yesterday, as he is someone i can learn from who's been where i am, who's at a place i want to be. who's accepted he's sensitive, driven and yes - weird. He apologized for being a bit out of it ("I don't get out much"), but thanked me for calling. The idea of talking about food and cooking with someone who'd DOING it...man. I can barely contain myself and am trying to keep an even keel (i.e. not blow off A At Work (ooh, let's go with AAW), because friends are good. fun is good. life is....good. School is good, and i'm dying to get into the baking mod - it's going to be a long 2 weeks, this last bit in the classroom with management and budgeting, but all worth it. all of it. also, birthday wishes from Smitty (as always) and Mike (ditto) - funny the people who stay in your world. and the people who you think will be there forever, and vanish. nothing from the ex-smrge, which is to be expected, i suppose...but sad. he can't handle staying friends, which is a shame. i would have liked for it to be like MIke and i, but no. wish he'd just come out and say why. for real. instead of useless smack. but oh well. y'know? gonna go on, gonna make music in the kitchen baby... i wanna be like CG Pardon me while i gush (and yeah, i know the presidential election is near, and i should be railing, and the olympics are now, and it's good fodder for international amusement vs. the US, and i've discovered the crazy beauty of dave frigging matthews ((gawd, i'm old)) and the 'Nats are going on tour, but right now all i got is culinary stuff on the brain, so there you go): Chef Guy called, as promised - later than he'd planned, but it was because they had a late rush, and man, i could feel the adrenaline over the phone and it took my breath away - he even mentioned how amazing it was that he didn't forget, as usually when he gets going like that, it all falls away. That's a good thing, right? Yeah, I think so. Best part II: when he said that he'd cleared all of Monday for me - woohoo! and that right at that moment, he'd say yes to anything i'd ask (so i asked for a job, he chuckled, which is good - want to make sure that he knows i'm task-oriented, y'know? :)...man, subtle? riiiight. and did he need to bring anything other than himself? oh, HELL no. so we're meeting monday for coffee - tragically, it looked like it would be an all-evening affair (what with him clearing the day for me, and me wanting to spend as many minutes as possible basking in his presence), but then i remembered (thanks to K&K) that i have the ACF meeting, my first, at 6pm that night, and if i don't show, it wouldn't go well for me. Plus, CG totally understood ("You gotta do that, I did") so it'll be abbreviated (the meetup), but with luck it will go well enough that he'll want to meet up again. Yeah. Of course, my wheels are turning, and that's probably nuts, but what the hell, yeah? I feel like i'm meeting up with...well, yeah, someone who plays in a band i totally dig. Like the KevSecs(nee Arlie) of food. Or something. But that's the only way I can describe it at this point - and hell, i've never even heard his music (uh, eaten his food) but you can feel the passion in him (from him?) agh. ok, now i'm drooling. gonna let it go. but man, this sort of inspiration is just what i needed. also, therapist read me the riot act about "shoulds". You'd think, at this point, i'd let the shoulds go, but it's still hard for me to quell the critical guilt-driven voice that has held court in my squirrelly brain for so long. Anyway, i'm glad i'm working sunday, or the day would never pass. also, more fun with AAW, though last night he seemed quite upset that i hadn't clued him in to my birthday, and yet...no call. so i dunno where the hell that's at, but y'know, we'll see. school on monday is gonna FLY by, i'm sure. i hope. maybe CG would go to the ACF meeting...riiiight. he was great about that over the phone too - "it's...ok." heh. dig. dig. dig him.