Well, that'll teach me to be all posi-emo and see things as half-full. 'Tis the season for remembering how happy everyone seems to be with their post-me partners. I'm furious, even though i know that it's a waste of percious moments of my life - but kyle being a luthier, being happy in love - that was all via me. i enabled that shit, and it pisses me off. meanwhile, i'm wrangling Jared who goes back and forth about digging me, then it's purely lust based. lately he seemed to be making more of an effort, but of course then i'm sick, and then bleeding. argh. and soooo fat. unbelievably so. plus new job, though hip, is still a bit of a challenge, but i try to remember how hard branzino seemed at times. yeah. and then the delightful (and by delightful i mean not at all amusing lately) uriel is pushing all my buttons - because he's easier in bed than jared, likes to snuggle, but is a 25-year-old partying player who is literally a foot shorter than me...and this week he bailed on hanging out with me, and i....care only in the most abstract of ways for the same reason i can't go hang with Jared, i'm coughing up phlegm all the time, constantly blowing my nose, and need to not drink. (after two consecutive bottles of evan williams after no hard booze most of last month) - but fuck. i need to find a doctor. i need to get new contacts. i need to pay for parking. i need to pay my cali debt (am a month behind on that) plus my license is suspended, my tabs are expired - i need to get an id, but as usual am broke. i am skating on thin ice every time i get behind the wheel. to be honest, the least of my problems is my lack of a companion, and yet it's all i can think about: mike, kyle, graham, smitty, darren (dorothy), spencer, tom, fuck it seems like each and every male i've been involved with in the last 10 years is totally hooked up and happy. and me? i am, as always, adrift. whatever. fuck it. i'm gonna die soon anyway, dunno if it's a brain tumor, or cancer, or MS, but it's something, and it's happening. i guess i just wait until the catastrophic issue presents itself. i dunno. this is tedious. whining is tedious. i just wish someone would fucking show just a little appreciation occasionally. but i guess it's cause i don't? dunno.
