'Round and 'round

Got the call after arriving home after work, and SG even came by, picked me up and whisked me off to West Seattle. Late start to the evening, and he was all riled up about a disheartening fb interaction with MCWDITW (oh the irony),  and then he presented the holiday present. Oh, and I was allowed my first sleep-over. So that's a thing. I think.There were rules, of course, but that's good. Rules are helpful for me, to be honest. Actually, I'm gonna try not to think too much about it, because...well, you know, let sleeping dogs lie (and we did, until 11, which is typical for me, but not so much with he who holds actual job in adult world). Dropped me home in time to catch a quick catnap, coffee, and surf before heading back to what has, sadly, become Work. Ah well.
Yeah. Also the return of the raven hat, and a reminder to see The Hobbit - though recent reviews have kinda got me bummed about sitting for 3 hours for a third of the story.

That is all. For now.

About to start working 6-days a week for a while until we replace our smiling pasta chef who found a better job. This is gonna be tough, but the timing is typical. Xmas Eve was brutal, and NYE is shaping up to be a total clusterfuck.
The good news is, I need something to just keep me on the hamster wheel; to keep me on my game, because I've been coasting, and if I want to get better I need to do stuff. Lots and lots of stuff, awesome stuff. Get back to the headspace of late summer. Less self-doubt, more adventure and curiosity. Pronto. It's back to the part where I need to move forward, try to put the warm fuzzy memories of sleeping in, coffee and youtube in the morning, of laughing and working together, of actual warm emo that  filled the moments in between all the cavorting, the wave of discoveries that occured ...all those memories need to be stashed away for a while, until I can revisit them and not be so full of regret. I never expect anything to really last anymore, and I guess, ultimately, that's why they don't. So, working on that, among other personal growth issues. Just working to shake off the affection, the desire will be difficult enough. But I made this reality, so I'm gonna paddle through it as best I can....
 And, I've finished all the Supernatural episodes, so that is done as well. Boohoo. No more coming home to Sam & Dean to drown my sorrows ;)
Ok, time to make the donuts so I can pay for the laptop, and all the other bills that are due.....

this is how it goes and goes and goes....

"How come I end up where I started?"
Yeah, see, here's the part where I actually know the answer to this question, but ignore it anyway.
Because you keep doing the same shit. As do I. I've lived through this before, and should have recognized it for what it was, but I treated it as if it wasn't for real, just a lightning strike. I didn't believe.
What should have happened, was that I, the older, supposedly wiser one, should have seen the abyss, and said to you: "Let's not do it this way, ok?"
But, I didn't. I reverted to old form, and the shit happened. Again.
It was all on me to grow, to treat this as a real thing, to recognize the opportunity to move forward and not fall back. And for that, I am responsible. I didn't let it happen. Yeah. You can blame all white girls, but crazy comes in all colors and often, with kids. So, you know, buyer beware.
It is what it is. I did what I did. The fact that it isn't the first time, is only echoing what is already clear if you read any of this blog. I do the best I can with what I have. I am not perfect. I love passionate people and want to help them more (often) than I want to help myself. I'm working on it.
I am, as smrge once described himself: a work in progress.
Though I would of course add the adjective: still.