Post-Doc/pre-birthday bullshit.

Documentary, that is. Post viewing "Don't Break Down" which is probably the second most watchable movie about a band I've ever seen, after "YHF" with Wilco. It made me feel again, which I have been having a really hard time doing lately. Everything seems like it's coming to an end - and watching those guys doing that thing I have such a sappy attachment to made me feel human for a few minutes. It reminded me how good that music used to make me feel. Because I seriously do not feel that way much anymore. Don't misunderstand, I love my puggle, and she brings me joy everyday, and our trips to the park and our adventures around the city are fantastic, lovely even. But. There's nothing creative about it. I'm so bored. (that part was writen 3 years ago) Bored with work, bored with family, bored with most friends, to be honest. Just cannot for the life of me pull my head out from under this water. Not sure if it is because I've spent most of the last year knee-deep in 1D and HS nonsense and trying to convince myself it's some sort of anthropological cultural examination in reali time when what it really is is living in a delusional state where literally even my body is shutting down. Honestly do not know what could possibly pull me out of this nosedive at this point. Eveyone is dying, life is all struggle, and even fun seems performative at best. I jsut want to sit on the porch of a tiny cabin (nee, shack) stare at the trees, mountains, dirt road, whatever and just not do anything but observe nature and grow vegetables. I'm fucking sick to death of this bullshit rat race and ready to go full Walt Whitman. That's the plan I guess, die in the woods alone and hope my dog finds her way to civilization without me.