Wrong again Mongo...

Previous post attempts while drunk and via phone would only serve as an example, so they were eliminated. Anyway, SG did swoop in, just running a little late. Got the text at the end of last night, just as I was closing. Went over...and watched Roadhouse, drank Maker's (several empty soldiers at his feet, he and i are alike in so many ways) and had more of the crazy good action - he also was very sweet and let me know he was taking a road trip to see a girl he's known for a while and he might sleep with her, but it would be just that. Yeah. I get it. I mean, like with The Stray, I can't be upset, because a) it's not supposed to be a relationship and b) I have also had extracurricular activities...so, yeah.
A little terrified by the discovery that he's so into Patrick Swayze (how exactly am I going to get out forced viewing of Red Dawn? Oh yeah, my superpower distraction technique :)
Yeah. Ok, one more day and then I'm off tomorrow, which means I'm staying in bed all day. I'm hung over and feeling a bit sick....gonna be a long night. Argh.

In the midst of six in a row...

Don't get me wrong, I'm still totally in love with my city, and my situation is not dire; but am struggling this last week or so emotionally...so...even Norway looks nice right now.
Flashback-inducing photo that reminds me of the windy trip to Oslo from Bergen 20 years ago. Seriously, it was 20 years ago this month. Argh.

argh.

Foul mood all night, Thursdays are the worst. Sure, I do it to myself; I go all ballistic over shit I have no control over (other than my own willingness to be an idiot) - I need to figure out a way to pull myself out of this tailspin. I just have been really lucky in the last couple of weeks, having SG swoop in at just the appropriate time to keep me from feeling like...like this. Anyway. Got kudos for the radish tweak to the baby lettuces, and am trying to give Sous Matt the support he needs in creating the kale & squash salad that we think will replace the caprese when the heirlooms finally bite the dust. I think I've got a dumbed-down version of the dino-kale ready to go, using his apple cidar vin dressing. Also: made the stupid italian stracciatello gelato that everyone is all hot over. yawn.
anyway, need to go mainline some sad bluesy shit...but this is it, this is the song that says what is in my head right now, by the man who seems to know just how to...say what this moment feels like right now, with 'zac-less thoughts racing with the demons who hold court in my head already..
attachment is my war.

Vito is all about business...

in a half-assed attempt to be less like Ivar and more like Vito, I have started making purveyor calls - just to produce and bakery, but still. Menu changes are in order, and I've been putting it off for far too long and need to do the appropriate research and trials. Must channel CG. Must get back in the game. Must not let myself be distracted so much.

That said, hanging out after last night with Dewey playing pinball and talking hardcore was good (almost) clean fun. As it should be.

huh

UK and Malaysia? odd. But ok. So, here's the thing, The Stray, who was indeed working tonight, (which was uneXpected) asked me to go in on stuff that i generally don't go in on, especially in this town, but it was his birthday, so what the hell, even though he and his housemate took off, i still played pinball with Dewey tonight, and it was awesome. So much talk about hardcore and punk rock and just easy stuff. I love this place so goddamn much. So, yeah, that. For the history book, or paper trail, or whatever happens after this: I made an amazing palate cleansing sorbet tonight, cucumber-lime-mint; and everyone was all aflutter, and  The Stray, after tasting said "can I keep you" and I said, on reflex, because it would be nice if he did: "Yes. yes you can" and there was silence after, of course. A quick hug and kiss goodbye tonight, but still. A unicorn, a comet. Like Charles says...you just don't know what you are doing to make this happen, but you enjoy it as much as you can, cause you know it will not last forever.
Let it go. I will . But damn, that was fun.

If you don't learn from your past...

One of my most lucid posts happened this year on January 23rd. Rereading it today is ultimately why I do this, this writing thing. Sometimes I make sense. Sometimes, documentation is helpful. Sometimes it's just killing time, and often it's simply a confessional, which keeps the guilt that destroys my psyche at bay.
From that entry:
"I would be remiss if I didn't note the stark parallels in my own personal narrative right now. My willingness to bring my ex-husband back into my life is based in the simple fact that I loved him dearly when I met him, though I wasn't completely able to functionally do it, because, simply put, I wasn't too crazy about myself. Sure, in the abstract, I'm suitably enamored of my personae, my ability to take on challenges and survive. Blah, blah, blah. But, that sort of ends up making you a bit of a lab rat, waiting for the next mystery dose to see what the effects are. Doses administered by others."