better writing here:

http://hopey.blogspot.com/2012_01_08_archive.html

read the newspaper

Just an observation: the New York Times still, from all online appearances, still writes news stories the way I was taught back in journalism class. All the facts are in the first sentence. The rest? Details, in descending order. Haven't read the NYT in years (when I was in college, and then on the East Coast), and have just revisited online, and damn, no one writes like they do. #journalismyo.

bon voyage

Had to say goodbye to our favorite pasta cook last night and it was brutal. ChefM was devestated, I got choked up and teary (twice, truth be told) and she cried too. It was hard - especially since the next 2 days are going to be, as Indie Bartender J said tonight:"A full on shit storm". Also spent after-hours tasting Newbusguy's homemade mint wines and chocolates he made from scratch - looks like i might get to have him cover shifts so i can get a day off...but yeah, it was a *spirited* conversation, and then just kept Fair company while he waited out his last customers.
Didn't go to crazy loft party in the Square with him, J, and apparently where MDR and other usual suspects would be in attendance. Not doing that again. Gonna keep my home quiet, and my head even more So. Yup....waiting out 2012.

'Round and 'round

Got the call after arriving home after work, and SG even came by, picked me up and whisked me off to West Seattle. Late start to the evening, and he was all riled up about a disheartening fb interaction with MCWDITW (oh the irony),  and then he presented the holiday present. Oh, and I was allowed my first sleep-over. So that's a thing. I think.There were rules, of course, but that's good. Rules are helpful for me, to be honest. Actually, I'm gonna try not to think too much about it, because...well, you know, let sleeping dogs lie (and we did, until 11, which is typical for me, but not so much with he who holds actual job in adult world). Dropped me home in time to catch a quick catnap, coffee, and surf before heading back to what has, sadly, become Work. Ah well.
Yeah. Also the return of the raven hat, and a reminder to see The Hobbit - though recent reviews have kinda got me bummed about sitting for 3 hours for a third of the story.

That is all. For now.

About to start working 6-days a week for a while until we replace our smiling pasta chef who found a better job. This is gonna be tough, but the timing is typical. Xmas Eve was brutal, and NYE is shaping up to be a total clusterfuck.
The good news is, I need something to just keep me on the hamster wheel; to keep me on my game, because I've been coasting, and if I want to get better I need to do stuff. Lots and lots of stuff, awesome stuff. Get back to the headspace of late summer. Less self-doubt, more adventure and curiosity. Pronto. It's back to the part where I need to move forward, try to put the warm fuzzy memories of sleeping in, coffee and youtube in the morning, of laughing and working together, of actual warm emo that  filled the moments in between all the cavorting, the wave of discoveries that occured ...all those memories need to be stashed away for a while, until I can revisit them and not be so full of regret. I never expect anything to really last anymore, and I guess, ultimately, that's why they don't. So, working on that, among other personal growth issues. Just working to shake off the affection, the desire will be difficult enough. But I made this reality, so I'm gonna paddle through it as best I can....
 And, I've finished all the Supernatural episodes, so that is done as well. Boohoo. No more coming home to Sam & Dean to drown my sorrows ;)
Ok, time to make the donuts so I can pay for the laptop, and all the other bills that are due.....

this is how it goes and goes and goes....

"How come I end up where I started?"
Yeah, see, here's the part where I actually know the answer to this question, but ignore it anyway.
Because you keep doing the same shit. As do I. I've lived through this before, and should have recognized it for what it was, but I treated it as if it wasn't for real, just a lightning strike. I didn't believe.
What should have happened, was that I, the older, supposedly wiser one, should have seen the abyss, and said to you: "Let's not do it this way, ok?"
But, I didn't. I reverted to old form, and the shit happened. Again.
It was all on me to grow, to treat this as a real thing, to recognize the opportunity to move forward and not fall back. And for that, I am responsible. I didn't let it happen. Yeah. You can blame all white girls, but crazy comes in all colors and often, with kids. So, you know, buyer beware.
It is what it is. I did what I did. The fact that it isn't the first time, is only echoing what is already clear if you read any of this blog. I do the best I can with what I have. I am not perfect. I love passionate people and want to help them more (often) than I want to help myself. I'm working on it.
I am, as smrge once described himself: a work in progress.
Though I would of course add the adjective: still.

i'm a loser, baby.

And, it turns out, a pretty huge asshole. I repeated history and lo & behold the results were the same. I knew better than to do what I did, and yet I did it anyway. You would think, after enough of those crucial moments, where you are standing at the precipice, knowing that there's no going back once you push that domino over, that I would learn to leave it alone. No matter how drunk I was, no matter how angry and hurt and abandoned I felt, I lost a hunk of my soul doing the pandora's box thing again.
Ok. With the hope that if this presents itself again, I will choose the higher path, the moral choice, i will Do The Right Thing.

yup

anything i do at 6am is highly suspect. just saying.

dammit.

per a call i got about a half an hour ago, i will now be going to sleep via:

morning missed

Starting my day with this:

Then will move on to this:

Yeah, still can't shake it off...trying to, trying every way i know how right now.

reminder:

Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. -Ralph Marston

'tis the season...

I have this way with certain geeky/arty/smart types - maybe it's the old "birds of a feather" thing. Lately, been closing shop with Fair and all new rituals are occurring....better than previously in our story though, both from a financial standpoint, and from a physical/mental standpoint (not near the liquor intake) so that's been nice. Last night, I was rocketed back to 1983 (yes, EIGHTY THREE) while I looked on (well, I played too, but was so out of practice, i didn't make it past the first screen) as he fucking KILLED at the table version of Ms Pac Man. I literally swooned as if Bradbob was sitting across from me again at Godfather's Pizza. It was crazy how watching that game brought back all these sense memories of being at the arcade next to Moviola for hours at a time, playing that game over and over because it was the only one none of the boys played and was always open. Fair got to screens I'd never seen before! He got to the point where the power pills don't work! And I enjoyed every second of it! If there was ever, ever, EVER any doubt that I am a geek, it was removed last night. Punk rock dork, full-on. So much fun, and no annoying hangover, or random bruising.
Fireballs consumed: 2

Ok, not a bad evening...

Spent all day cleaning the apartment (while periodically surfing the internets), unpacked some of the stuff I lugged home from storage, and then went out into my neighborhood. Pioneer Square is awesome for a lot of reasons, and tonight featured a few: the lighting of the Christmas tree on Occidental Square was accompanied by a dog costume contest (yes there were many Santa hats, reindeer antlers, elf sweaters, ugly xmas sweaters, and also what appeared to be holdover actual costumes from Halloween ((a bassett in a cowboy hat, for instance), dogs of all varieties assembled for the festivities, and then a pet parade. Additionally, the First Thursday Art Walk was tonight, and while I didn't go into more than a couple galleries (my tolerance is low for the crowds, not the art) I did stop into my pal's shop where they were featuring an artist friend of theirs who does fantastic wood-block prints, mostly of animals - I had seen them while they were hanging them on Tuesday, and there were plenty of people, plus champagne, beer, cookies and of course the Shop Kittens, Vito and Ivar who have become these amazingly soft teen cats who are the healthiest most well-adjusted cats I've ever seen.
I hung out with C mostly, and he showed me his latest thrift finds, including this spectacular "Robot Chef" broiler/toaster/rotisserie/fryer from the '50's, never used...so awesome.

Then while chatting a woman came into the shop with a beautiful Husky and was asking D about dog sitting, and he tried to steer her into a sitting service and she was adamant that she didn't want that, and somehow my gut wanted to offer to do it (I did sit several dogs in SF, though always with Scraps and all elderly), so I approached her, and trying as much as possible not to sound like a complete dog-abducting psycho, I let her know that I was interested, and that I lived close by. Turns out, she's actually looking for someone to take the dog in (she'll be gone 5 weeks) not to just come by and feed & water. Dog is just 8, needs no meds, just walks and is "totally apartment trained". She sounded interested (she was honest to tell me she couldn't pay me much) and so we exchanged information - so I might be fostering (kinda) a Husky in February! Kind of cool, and might keep me out of most trouble for a bit.
Then, in another bit of neighborhood karma, my favorite Restaurant Hostess (and GF of J, our indie bartender) stopped in with her dog, and so we chatted for about a half hour, as she isn't working at the restaurant anymore. It was nice - and even a friend of C & D's who I've met a bunch of times now stopped by and it was just good to be among friends. I know that sounds silly, but I am still getting used to actually having a neighborhood, of being social again. Sometimes I feel so out of tune unless I'm in a bar or with the usual suspects...anyway, it was a nice evening, and didn't cost a penny. So, yay.

yes, just more random ephemera....

...yes, it's come to this: Grumpy cat meme re-posting.


(via buzzfeed.tumblr.com)

be cool, 502 goes into effect today...

YOU GET PINCHED, WE NEVER MET. YOU GOT ME? YOU FOUND THIS ON THE STREET.

(animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

also...

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” - Albert Camus

xmas

Not my favorite holiday by any means, and this one isn't shaping up to be much better...but this made me grin, cause it is without a doubt my favorite of all the holiday shows. All hail the Land Of the Misfit Toys and skinny Santa and a reindeer whose nose glows. Yeah. This.

done

i have nothing else to write right now. It's faster than the hiphop, but its feelings are no less real. Poets come in all colors.

More. Later, different; perhaps. Usually.

yes, again.

I love this version of this song. Always, but especially, now.

from time to time...

I drink too much. And I blackout. Sometimes, it's not a big deal - I'm in a place where everyone else is in that mode too, I'm with someone who is watching out for me, or I already have a plan for Home. Or I'm with Charles, and we are cavorting, or I'm at SG's and we are *watching movies*, stuff like that. Sometimes though, I do stuff, in that blackout, that I regret. Sometimes it's physical stuff, "hey look! car made it home, parked in its spot AGAIN"...and sometimes, like today; I piece together phone notices and drunken posts that I left as drafts...I realize I crossed the line (again). I have been very lucky lately, and in all Fairness, have been given a little help (still not sure why, but he's a good dude) - my car has been in the garage all week, and will hopefully stay there for another - so at least that isn't an issue (yay! living downtown!) but, I apparently yelled at someone via phone, who I very deeply still care about, [though hopefully for him it will subside eventually, and I'll leave him alone] ((though:MCWGITW vs. SG...)) for 6 minutes last night, and don't remember any of it, and can, unfortunately, imagine what I might have said. Which is painful. I called tonight, and am either blocked or his battery is fried. I'm guessing (a . And that kind of thing is the sort of activating incident that AA folk call: bottom. Again. Yay, me. It may not take the court to get me into a room this time.
Yeah, that thing. What's weird is this doesn't really happen much, but right now, all stars are aligning to show me that....that it's going to be a dry january at the very least. I have been playing loose and free with the rules, again, and it's falling in on itself (on me).
Time to move forward. Enough grovelling and feeling sorry for myself about smrge. Hey, check it: 28 years old and Fair. We watched the Lakers, had a fireball and a pabst and talked about crustypunx. It just keeps being awesome. Stop whining.
Oh, except shoulder is for all intents and purposes: jacked. Ice. and Jameson..
But, just so we are clear: this band belongs to The Stray the way The Replacements belong to MCDITW, or Wilco belongs to smrge, or DOA to Mike. Sometimes shit just happens like that, it touched a nerve, i needed a touchstone. Now, there's nothing else, it informs so much of what is RIGHT NOW.

;