yup.

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be." - Kurt Vonnegut

2008 les paul, sunburst...and the acoustic...both sitting in the living room. He played them both, and right then, shivers down my spine that lasted all night....
So geeky, so musical, so...yeah. Fun. Am having fun...still hard to process sometimes, but I'm working on it. Heh, I can call him SG. Perfect.

Huh. So SingerGuy (and for the record, he's a guitar guy too, but to differentiate, he is a most talented vocal/lyracist as well) might be A Thing. After 15 fucking years. Go figure. Or maybe I just needed to see the forest for the trees. Or, moreover, get over being so scared. I pulled the trigger, and may have hit a bullseye that I didn't even think was in my range! Go me!

I find the ability people have to switch on and off their emotions phenomenal. I am envious of those who can switch gears so easily, to use the word "love" so easily, to let another's feelings mean nothing to them so easily. What must it be like to go though life telling people you love them, and then, so easily, telling another that you love them, as well? To have people fall at your feet, to think that you are so witty, and wise? What must that be like? Because, me? I don't and will never, understand being told that I am loved and then, told that I am not. For no reason of my own doing. Nothing I can work on, nothing I can fix.

Dog sitting for GMB, and it's a groovy house, good dogs, and an object lesson in looking behind the curtain. Kitchen is a shocking disaster, and when I have ever been fearful of my own tidiness - I actually am not nearly the slacker I think I am. Also confirmed Dawn's visit in August - which is really exciting - it has literally been 15 years since I've seen her...plus it's my birthday weekend, and I'll be in my new digs, so it's all very groovy, as Karen would say. Hanging out tonight - enjoying the wonders of satellite tv again, a cool little house that reminds me a bit of one we stayed at in Denmark with the steep staircase and oddly located loo off the kitchen :) Chinese food delivered, dogs dozing, made call to confirm meetup with new arsenal pals tomorrow to watch euro final before work....so not a bad Saturday, all in all. Tomorrow, running the pbj roulade again, lemon-basil sorbet, chai ice cream and pink peppercorn-cherry ice creams. Not sure about daily pie - we'll see what veg is left when I get in...also, gonna take a break from the liquor for a bit...just to kind of kick my metabolism up a notch...been making steady progress, but I know just cutting out that will kill an easy 10lbs in a week...

Woohoo! deep in the heart of Douchebagland tonight! but kind of cool, in that i'm pretty sure i cemented my connection with owner Michael tonight, so there's that (because BarMat and his ridiculous girl who thought it was funny to laugh at me, got fucking OWNED; and I went after hours with them, which is odd, but hot guy with dreads giving me the "Yikes! Good luck with THAT" signal was fun).
I made their pizzas. it's what it comes down to.
love this job. this town has it's pros and cons, but ultimately, is full of people I love, so: I love it. I love every opportunity to engage. I like them. AndI have no need to broadcast my world (other than maybe the occasional Arsenal thing, or menu thing) to anyone else. Documenting for myself is what i have always done, and will continue to do. If you dig me, cool. If you don't: your loss. Seriously. YOUR LOSS. again. I'm not playing around. This is my life, and I am midway through it.. I know what I love, and what I will fight for. I am worth it. As SingerGuy said: "so totally worth all the wait".
As GMB said: "You are: smart, funny and so talented: he's an idiot."
Yeah. i know I'm not gorgeous, but ultimately, we all age, we all become not beautiful, so in the end, if you are awesome, isn't that enough? Sometimes, people tell you that it is, but their actions speak otherwise. So,  you know, go with your gut.If it says yes, try. If it doesn't work - try something else. Keep trying on shoes until you find one that fits. But stop trying to shove bullshit on your feet that clearly DO NOT FIT.
Also, I'm pretty sure our bucatini is the only pasta i want to eat: EVER. Holy shit: Italy.

Spent the evening with Charles last night - so very lovely to see him, even though his partner behaved like a ridiculous, spoiled, jealous 14-year old. It was so good to be with my best pal again. When we were young and goofy we made a promise to each other that we were each other's get out of jail free card. It was as if the ensuing 15 years was just a blip. It was so fantastic...and enlightening, and oddly, in the end empowering. We have a history now, have discovered so much about ourselves, to be able to spend time in his presence again is awesome. Also, strolling around his hood, looking for my lost phone (which we found where I made a quick pit stop) just talking, so easy so natural. I have so much love for my big bearded, insanely talented pal. His quick sweet kiss goodnight, totally unexpected and delightful,  floored me. So much to think about. Need to find a place to live in the city, because there is so much living to do, friends to support and help as they have helped me. Now, a nap before work.

meet and greet

Just keep running into interesting people....note to self, that's Johnny playing keyboards and guitar. Also, need to confirm that song was on that British show I was so fond of last year....yeah. Good. I cannot state more emphatically how at home I feel in this city. I love it, poseurs and douchebags and tourists and Amazonians, those things don't matter because the heart, the soul is there, if you look for it. The thing about people is, they are so quick to judge, to determine people's worth. You need to give people a chance to prove themselves. Not all is what it seems. Johnny is awesome, I enjoy the shit out of him. So it's nice that his band didn't suck. Seattle. No joke. This is where I live. LIVE. This is where shit really happens. Though, to be fair, DC kept me busy too :)

yeah, Boosh is the Best too. Oh, the Arsenal Off Season leads to waaaaay too much YouTube rambles.

the. best. ever.

Long-lost 4-song ep, two songs by each band and this one is....perfect. .
Though, all they left behind was epic in it's brilliance...and a soundtrack for me, forever.

Hi! yeah, me and SingerGuy, because, well...I can, and it is without drama right now, which is all I want. So...I made the trek to West Seattle last night and we made good on a long-held anticipation. Fun, good, relaxing, though it meant i wasn't 100% for Friday service, but YOUKNOWWHAT? Fuck it, life is short, and I don't get a hell of a lot of joy lately, so, if a guy, whose music I adore wants to....uhm, ...watch movies with me after I'm done with work, what am I supposed to say? I don't dig that you dig me? Also, he's got a kid -only 2 though, and not full time; so whole other ballgame, but...ok, enough, but just for the record. i like where i am, even when i spend after-hours with douche bartenders trying to bed twentysomething girls, as i finish my shift drinks, the day after.
She hugged me more than you! I am becoming Joyce, which is, to be honest, pretty fucking cool in and of itself. I have merit. My life is filled with so many wonderful, amazing people, I am lucky for that. Very lucky, and very, very grateful.

for later

just a footnote: my job is so frigging incredible, and i am so amazingly happy that i recognize it right now, for a change, rather than in retrospect. this is what i'm supposed to do. always. it's so incredibly calming to know that. this is what i am good at. people enjoy what i do. that's so huge. in this world, where so very, very much sucks, to be able to give someone, even for just a few moments, a simple, human FEEL - I'm just so pleased to be able to share with people again, to be in the dining room, watching people love what i do, and not know that it was me who did it (desserts, obviously, if they are facing the right direction they will see me make their salad, pizza, antipasti or oysters)...it's just fantastic. A lot of times it's special occasions, and people are making memories...i dunno, it is so hard to be comfortable liking myself sometimes...but dammit, this time, doing the cheesecake, knowing it was a runner, but having it play out (apparently a guy came in 3 days in a row for it, though when he was in on Thursday, we didn't know he would be an addict!) live is soooooo, awesome. Argh. So good. I feel so content, and that is not a word I have ever used to describe myself, but right now, it all seems to FIT.
*sigh*

I made waffles for my brother and his family for fathers day. I texted my ex to wish him a non-aggressive happy father's day (i thought) i went to work. work was, as always, awesome. apparently it was a weekend where the cheesecake was on fire, so everyone was all aflutter, yeah, sadly the walk in fan broke so it was ugly for those of us in the kitchen, but ego wise, cool. i dunno. i have no feels rigth now. just work.

and Thursdays are....

Weird - work Sunday through Tuesdays, off Weds, and then back for Thursday, and then off for Friday Saturday, which is, to be fair; a pretty awesome schedule. What would be even better, is if my days back from being gone didn't follow HWSBF's days in pantry, because, he sucks. He's lazy, and apparently a little dim. Also, shades of Fernando in just the overall disaster the station is left in. When I follow Anita, on Sundays, everything is like I leave it, stocked, ready to go, a coherent list of prep. After Him, it's horrendous. But, I have high expectations of those I work with, so GMB had to really, really push me to get me to make a list of the bullshit.
Because, I'm not the first to notice it. Anita made a point of telling me she has the same issues with him.
Whatever. The flip side is that my food is pure awesome, and when I have my station ready, there is nothing I cannot do. Though I was running the pizza oven at 600 degrees tonight, so I toasted a couple of them while doing desserts. Kind of got a little out of control tonight though, trying to tie up all the loose ends. And some late tables made me a bit cranky towards the end, so I didn't hang out tonight & chat with BarMat - I was just a bit too whipped, to be honest. He didn't offer a 2nd beer, and I didn't ask. Home to sleep, cause I have a boatload of stuff to do tomorrow.
Timing is still being worked out at work though. What I really appreciate, is that GMB makes a point to say "Good work" before he leaves at night, at least to me, pretty much every shift - that little shit matters. Appreciation matters. I knocked out a shitload of prep, both baking and savory today - and all my plates tonight (including some special stuff for the food tour group) looked stellar, and tasted fantastic, cheesecake is selling like crazy - 3 to go orders!. I asked if I could come in early on Sundays to do more dessert prep, and Garrett said he'd work on getting me a key. And then, and the end of service he sidles up to me and says "So; I have foie scraps: pate, or sauce?" And I, being the one who plates antipasti, and likes to have cool toys says:"Pate" then I hedge "But, I do have a that book about foie, and it has a recipe for foie oreos that I've always wanted to try" and he gets nose-to-nose with me and says "Ahhh, s'mores! Your graham crackers, a foie fluff....and..." I suggest a fruit jam & chocolate shavings...and he's like "YES. You are in again, when? Tuesday? Let's do that then, I'll put the foie in the freezer tonight."
Yeah, that's the ticket. That's what I want to do: cool stuff. This shit is going to be awesome, and once I live downtown...well, it will be perfect, so tired of driving home already. I am so stoked right now, feeling really motivated, creative and just present. So completely different from being in SF. Similar to being in good restos in Fresno, but without that CG-based angst, so...yeah, really amazing emotions flowing in this realm. Can't wait to get my gear out of storage and really hit the gas pedal on all of this. So many options. He has not said no to any ideas I've proffered so far (other than the bittersweet chocolate espresso cake, but i suspect i can bump his weak torte eventually, I'll make one, feed it to everyone, and that will be that).
Also, he asked me to dog/house-sit at the end of the month for he and his wife. Awesome! 2 dogs, house in Greenwood, 3 days. Sweet! Looking forward to it. I dig house sitting. A yard with a bbq, a deck, and two dogs?? Yay!

knowing is half the battle

  

yes, yes, yes.

just another wedensday.

 Started the day off watching Germany beat Holland in the 2nd game of the first round of the Euros. Even less fun watching the Orange lose this time to the Germans, though, Podolski, our newest acquisition is having a great tournament - here's hoping he stays in form for club play. I'm really stoked to find a pub to watch if my schedule stays the same - looking to make new Gunner pals, definitely!
A bit of apartment hunting, visit to the storage space to retrieve some more clothes, a kitchen timer and some other miscellaneous stuff, dinner at Hana, finally. It was, as Todd said "the same as ever" casual, quality, and affordable. Did a little stroll down Broadway, noting all the changes....still processing it all - had a side trip through Lake City, and was kind of astounded to find a Mini dealership there, among all the other new stuff, and also, the old venerable Italian place is gone, though Ming's is still alive and...well, still alive. Even just driving around, there is something so comforting about all the green, the trees, the residential neighborhoods with no sidewalks...yeah, I'm weird. Anyway, there seem to be a lot of options, living wise, so now it's just a matter of piling up first, last and deposit.

interactions with humans...

Tonight, after watching GMB almost cough up a lung on the line (I gave him my entire stash of Ricola cough drops, cause i know how hideous that bug is...) and finishing a pretty sedate night (got a lot of shit done, actually, which was cool. Best part:MB trying my coffee ice cream and going "Holy shit, that's amazing! Is that my recipe?" and, i of course had to tell him it was mine. RIGHT? Yeah. Also had pizzas dialed in like crazy tonight, which was awesome as well. I was finishing my shift beer when BarMatt (The Other Matt) engaged me in conversation, and plied me with beers...so I hung out. THIS is why it's good to work in a live restaurant. People to talk to. We had a spirited debate about the future of humankind, global policy, apartheid (!) and my political activism vs. his perceived activism. Interesting, and, ultimately we agreed on many things. Interesting cat, and, he pegged me at 40. Weird. I guess it's just that youthful exuberance? Yeah, something like that. Good dude though. I really love where I work. And they seem to dig me, so, you know, awesome. It's also interesting GMB and I have a really similar upbringing - same kid's shows, same cereals, same weird offhanded remarks, plus a really good conversation about food, every time. It's a shame he can't keep his hands off his phone on the line. CG would fucking DESTROY him. But, whatever. It's good fun, and tonight, my pizzas all ruled. So good. Did a roasted potato, blue cheese, other cheese, smoked proscuito, and shallot pie, and it sold like crazy and I even made GMB one and he loved it! Validation again! (I'm so simple, but it's like any craft, I guess) also, I did a hibiscus/grapefruit sorbet, but didn't run it tonight...maybe Thursday...yeah.

“ARE NOT THE THOUGHTS OF THE DYING OFTEN TURNED TOWARD THE PRACTICAL, PAINFUL, OBSCURE, VISCERAL ASPECT? TOWARD THE SEAMY SIDE OF DEATH WHICH IS, AS IT HAPPENS, THE SIDE THAT DEATH ACTUALLY PRESENTS TO THEM AND FORCES THEM TO FEEL, AND WHICH FAR MORE CLOSELY RESEMBLES A CRUSHING BURDEN, A DIFFICULTY IN BREATHING, A DESTROYING THIRST, THAN THE ABSTRACT IDEA TO WHICH WE ARE ACCUSTOMED TO GIVE THE NAME OF DEATH?”
… Danny, what the hell?
I’M SORRY. I MEANT “THANK YOU, THIS IS A WONDERFUL PARTY.”

(from animalstalkinginallcaps)

monday is the new friday...

got our asses kicked tonight at work, totally crazy busy, and just me and TMTM on the line, but we made it through, and celebrated with a delightful mojito and then beers. Lots of really constructive conversation, so it's feeling good....next: find place to live in city, or on seriously direct busline. Ideally, the first. That adventure starts at the beginning of next month. Yay.
Missing Scraps in weird, jagged pangs today. Dunno where it comes from sometimes, but still wrecks me....