boring, boring, boring.
there. that said, now here is where i would ramble aimlessly about all the junk that's rumbling through my head about the usual suspects...but won't cause that's boring too. considered actually calling a career advisor today. might still get around to doing it.
culinary school. that's what i'm thinking.
i mean, if i'm going to work to make people happy, under deadline pressure, then, shouldn't i be cooking instead of desperately trying to make machines do shit they aren't built to do? right. i mean, it'll be a shame i don't make cards anymore, but oh well...
or something like that.
five.
1. How much time do you spend online each day?
too much. added up - probably close to half my workday is spent online, save for the occasional (very occasionsl) days when i'm actually too busy to gon online. but generally, at least 4 hours worth of on-net time.

2. What is your browser homepage set to?
google.

3. Do you use any instant messaging programs? If so, which one(s)?
briefly used messenger and also that AOL mess, but i don't have enough buddies to be worthwhile, so i bailed on that aspect of online life.

4. Where was your first webpage located?
Microsoft's homepages, followed almost immediately by a diaryland site.
But Hopeyland was the first. There was an Agent 86 page too, that was really groovy, but when Microsloth killed their webpages, i hadn't backed any of it up (not that i had much idea how to at the time) and so it's all lost to the ether now.

5. How long have you had your current website?
My blogpage is about a year old i think. if the d-land one is considered "current" then about 4 years or so.

Some Five action, and then, maybe, more.

1. What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home state/country?
Golly, guess that has to be Portland, if we're talking home state (ack, how sad is that?) if we're talking country, then it's Iceland, but that was a decade ago. *sigh*

2. What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling?
Ooooh, let's go with waking up at the Serbian border, in a bus full of Norwegians as they discover that the 4-foot tall plants by the side of the road are, indeed, cannibis.
Or on that note: Serbian host telling me either a) "Would you like to see my kilo?" or b) "don't mind that guy, he's just a vetran from the war in Afghanistan, he's really fucked up".
There's more, of course. Like the old trucker who pulled over when we had a flat to let us use his compressor to pump our flat up.
The convenience store clerk outside of Sturgis muttering "Now I know why tigers eat their young." at us while we stood in line with filthy bikers. Soooo many options.


3. If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go?
All over...I'd start with hauling SMRHE to France, so he can smoke in public places, and meet up with Yann. Then to Slovenia, to show him pretty, and calm. Then Italy, to meet up with Adam, then Portugal, to lay by the sea, Spain to eat some Basque stuff, Bordeaux for oldtimes sake, Netherlands for SMRHE, and then I'd get going on places I haven't been. Prague, the Baltics, Turkey, then Tibet. Yeah, Tibet. Maybe some time in South America, like Costa Rica or something. I'd travel forever if I could.

4. Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car?
Crap. Car, I guess. I like to be able to get out wherever I want. Train is nice for speed and efficiency, but forget planes. Boring. Only to keep traveltimes within limits. If time were no object, a boat would be kinda cool. Sailing around the world would be interesting, though SMRHE wouldn't be down with that.

5. What's the next place on your list to visit?
See above, though what's on tap is a vist to lovely Fresno, California.

Get it? drum up enough nerve.
So darned witty.
Now if I could just remember the name of that guy I worked with at Tower with the crazy wild hair who I thought of when I saw a guy on the bus yesterday with the same crazed Einstien (but younger) hair...Dave something....gah.
And uhm, yeah. At a loss for what to write, yet thinking about writing constantly, what can that possibly mean?
Lazy?

Hi J,
Hey, M here (yer ex-drummer's ex-friend, and uh, y'know, stuff...) and I just yesterday got around to listening to "Golden" and the other stuff you guys have up at MP3.com, and just wanted to take a minute to tell you that I think that song is flat-out fantastic.
Seriously, the only thing I've heard recently that has caught my attention like that was recent Wilco, or locally, Juno...anyway, thanks for sharing your music, and I'm looking forward to hearing more new stuff.
Take care,
:)m
(not quite so punk rock anymore)

i just can't seem to drum up the nerve to send it directly, so i'll just post it. no one gets here anyway, right?

Finally:
1. What time do you wake up on weekday mornings?
5am(ish)

2. Do you sleep in on the weekends? How late?
As much and as often as possible - usually until about 9 or so - lately The Single Most Rocking Husband Ever has even been taking it upon himself to fill a nice thermos of fresh coffee for me so I don't have to swill the end of the pot he makes first thing...sooo sweet.

3. Aside from waking up, what is the first thing you do in the morning?
Walk the pup. Ok, first I get dressed then walk the dog, then make coffee, shower, make lunch, dress, then hair & makeup.

4. How long does it take to get ready for your day?
Approximately 45 minutes, including the dog's walk around the block.

5. When possible, what is your favorite place to go for breakfast?
I don't have a favorite place - generally I like breakfast at home. But, anywhere with good coffee (not Starbuck$) and nice sweets - muffins, etc will do. I'm also a sucker for hash browns - but am too lazy to actually get out of the house to purchase them. Me & TSMRHE dig pancakes at home, about 11am on a Sunday most of all.
Nope, we don't read the NYT in bed. Though it's a lovely fantasy....

"I am mindful that we're all sinners and I caution those who may try to take a speck out of the neighbor's eye when they got a log in their own," the president said. "I think it is important for our society to respect each individual, to welcome those with good hearts."

agh. is it really too much to ask that a president of the united states of america, however retrograde in his thinking he is, be able to speak his native language with some small bit of ablility?
seriously.

I don't remember where I read it - but it stuck with me: no one, seriously, NO ONE wants to hear you talk about your dream. Unless they were in it. In which case you probably don't want to tell them (unless it's your Rocking Husband, who delights in telling you about the fucked up adventures you seem to have in his subconcious, and even then, it's a bit tiresome) about it. Seems like i see more and more blogs detailing the dreams of their owners. Check it out people: not crucial. People want to hear about your reali-life (which is always more interesting than made-up shit anyway). Ack.
Ok. More later.

Five:

1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be?
What now?

2. What songs would be on the soundtrack?
certainly some 7seconds, some Jawbreaker, a couple of Nick Drake songs, and of course, some Gits fro the really intense parts.

3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?
Very grainy 16mm. Black and white. Because everything looks better that way.

4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc?
Janeane Garafalo as me, Ed Norton as SMRHE and, ahhhh, Phillip Seymore Hoffman as Mike. Yesss!

5. Describe the movie preview/trailer.
hrmm. need to think on that.

1. When was the last time you cheated?
Cheated. Hurmph. Depends on what we're talking about - but as far as a test, it would certainly be high school. But other cheating? I've never cehated on a mate (but that's because until now, I had never pledged my monogamy to anyone. and no one had ever asked it of me). I've cheated by maybe using the carpool lane when I was alone and in a hurry - something like that, which was a year or two ago.

2. When was the last time you stole?
Yeah, last week. I mean, did i take something that i didn't purchase and use it for myself? yeah. but office supplies are so damn expensive!!

3. When was the last time you lied?
Monday.

4. When was the last time you broke or vandalized another's property?
Sometime in DC (so like '90, or '91), I think - when I was slapping pro-choice stickers on cars displaying anti-choice stickers.

5. When was the last time you hurt a loved one?
Hrmm. I think maybe sometime last year.

why are they still letting Dubya speak? it's humiliating and sad to hear the president of the untied states of america, formerly one of the most influential and successful countries on the planet, sputter and jabber, while two feet away, a man who leads the other major empire-building bad-ass country (that's GREAT Britian to you pal) speak more eloquently than Duby ever could.
i mean, it's all fucking horseshit, but once again, Tony Blair, like Bill Clinton, demonstrated that an ability to speak clearly, persuasively, and passionately, no matter WHAT your message is, will always work. Always. As Marshall McLuen said, what, 40 years ago now? It's not the message, it's the medium.
I'm horrified that Dubya pronounces America "Umuraca".
Horrified.

Someday i'm going to figure out how to migrate the diaryland stuff here. And then, maybe I'll even figure out a way to archive it (back it up) so I'll have a copy of it. Meanwhile, the Five:

1. Do you remember your first best friend? Who was it?
Yeah. My very first, very best friend was Melody Santana. I played with girls who lived next door to me, but they were mean to me generally - Teri and Leah, so i didn't ever consider them "best" friends. I was about 6 I think. Kindergarten and first grade.

2. Are you still in touch with this person?
No. We moved when I was in 4th grade - I don't even remember if I wrote her letters or not. Probably not. Man, I remember going to her house though - it was full of people. She had a lot of brothers and sisters and lived pretty close to school (the opposite direction home from me).

3. Do you have a current close friend?
hell yeah. i mean, obviously there is the SMRHE, but then above and beyond the call of duty, is Karen.

4. How did you become friends with this person?
5th grade. She moved into the small hick town the summer after I did, so we were both basically new together. Plus we were geeky, and gifted, so we were paired up almost immediately. I don't remember exactly what brought us together - I think it was our teacher, Mr Brunnar - he paired us up for a project I think.

5. Is there a friend from your past that you wish you were still in contact with? Why?
Agh, so many. I often wish I still was in contact with Sam from Winnipeg, and then of course The Slovenian, and, uhm...well, Linda, who I worked with at Common Concerns...I dunno...so many friends. I never see Charles anymore, and miss him. I miss Danny from Eugene too. Agh. Sad.

How funny. Last weeks Five was about childrens books, and after reading some other posts (i totally forgot to link mine, but ah well) - there are SO many books I loved as a kid that I had forgotten about. The writer who recently died - the one who wrote a book about a duckling that I don't remember, but he also wrote one about a kid named Homer, and a doghnut making machine - I loved that book! And this morning - the book about Fredrick the mouse - with beautiful illustrations in collages. I had completely forgotten about that book - but I loved it too. I had tons of kids books because my grandmother, and elementary school teacher who retired just about the time I was born had stockpiled tons of them, plus my aunt, who was a school sceretary forever as well, also passed literally hundreds of books on to me (I wanted to say us, but my brothers ignored most of them).

Just start writing. This morning, gore-o-rama: two seagulls dragging a dead sparrow (or some similar-sized grey-brown bird) around, one of them pciking at it, then dragging it away from the other one who was doing the vulture thing where he remained just out of pecking distance, but close enough that if the other seagull got distracted he could easily snag the carcass. It looked like a fresh kill - or at least the open wound. Maybe the sparrow had been dead for a while. Did the gulls kill it? it didn't look smashed, so I'm thinking it wasn't hit by a car. Maybe poisoned? Bad dim sum? Eech.
Want to describe my morning, because i think that's a good practice, but want to get to other stuff this morning. Yesterday, at Dr. S's - good, but weird. I'm still avoiding the bulk of the trouble, and when she bunchs up her face, I can tell she knows I'm avoiding - but she's good at keeping the ball rolling with what I do give her. Yesterday, there was mcuh talk about the voices in my head and how hard tehy are to please. To the point of me avoiding shit in order not to fuck it up. But see, that still doesn't reconcile how I fuck shit up knowingly (like with MCWGITW - I quite clearly remember thinking to myself You shouldn't make this call. You know it will end. " But also thinking that I had nothing to lose, 'cause he was a done deal anyway. Married. Wonder how married life is treating him.) And all the stuff with Darren. Had forgotten a lot of that (though not the good parts. But the not-so-good parts, yeah, let those slip away.) Reading old journals - destructive? I often think so, but then, now, when I look at how chaotic things were (hard to beleive there was so much going on because it felt dead, or normal? or something) and how sad it all made me. I dunno. It's frustrating and sad - all that attention, but I drove it away somehow. Attributing it all to ugliness seems almost too easy now. But it's so hard to tell. Eventually i'm gonna have to talk about it. Not looking forward to that session at all.

Just not happenin' for me...and looking backwards isn't doing me much good either, but y'know, cest la vie and all...
Give the Five a go I guess:
1. What were your favorite childhood stories?
As a little kid - I dug Clifford and a lot of books my grandmother gave me (she was a teacher), plus stuff like "Heidi" and the "Secret Garden" (though I hated the ending of both books).
As far as books I chose go, I was hugely devoted to Harriet the Spy, The Three Investigators, and a series about a racehorse called Sunbonnet. though, really, I read just about everything I could get my paws on.
My favorite family stories were the ones my Mom told about the summers she spent in Oceanside.

2. What books from your childhood would you like to share with [your] children?
See above. Oh, and the Judy Blume books "Are You There God?" and uhm, "Blubber" and of course, "Forever".

3. Have you re-read any of those childhood stories and been surprised by anything?
I re-read some of "Harriet" when Justice was reading it, and was just as impressed now as I was then, though now, I see so much more of the stereotyping in it. Not bad - but the New York stuff, and of course, Harriet being the uber-Tomboy/Dyke. Heh. I always wondered where "it" came from.

4. How old were you when you first learned to read?
Dunno - I can't honestly remember not being able to read. So early - maybe 2 or so?

5. Do you remember the first 'grown-up' book you read? How old were you?
Jeez. I think it was probably the books by John Jakes - the trilogy that came out at the bicentennial - "The Bastard" etc (later made into a mini-series) that my grandmother had on the shelf in her bedroom. I read them while staying with her. It could have been something else - maybe like the "Thorn Birds" or "Coal Miner's Daughter" (you get the general feel for when I read it though - somewhere about 8 or 9 years old) or something - but that's the first thing I remember reading that was "adult". I was reading all the time though, so it could have really been anything.

What's it gonna take? I've got more time at work than I know what to do with, and yet nothing is coming from it...save an incredible amount of frustration. Carp. Crap. Whatever. Yesterday - agh. Even the day to day stuff jsut doesn't do it for me. Making a booklet doesn't do it for me. can't write a review. Agh. Agh. Agh.

Sheesh. Then Katharine Hepburn dies, and I stand by and wonder what will be left. Well, it's not quite that dire, but certainly, if there was one actress who, in my formative youth, really convinced me that I would find a place in the world (rightfully, or by virtue of some other twist of fate) it was her. Loved that woman, loved her in her trousers, her fiesty nature, her ultimate giving in to Spencer Tracy that belied her vicious streak. Something in her performances always struck me. And somehow, it was just really nice knowing she was still around, even if you never saw her in the media. Ah well. She won't be forgotten, that's for sure.
Check out Mopey's big ol' writer's block. Can't even scavange together a writing sample for a position at a local newsweekly. Lame, lame, lame. Haven't tried too hard though, and the suckiest thing is that I had thought about just writing up a review of a restraunt just to have, and if I had done that, I could have just fired it off. But No. I didn't. Let's see if the therapist can get that shit cleared up in my head. So far there's been no progress there. I mean on the motivation part. Communication has improved I think. And I feel generally better about myself. But there's still much work to do. What to do about all the ideas that cross my mind? Things that a couple of years ago I would have blogged my bloody head off about, but now, it all seems trite.
Gee, maybe it IS all trite.

Oh, yeah. So it's been a good week for a lot of stuff, but this monring's news that Strom Thurmond, america's foremost racist, misogynist, all around culture-Nazi has finally shuffled off this mortal coil gives me, not joy, but a sense that at least another nail in the coffin of the past is gone. Frigging that man sat and did damage in Congress for far too long. They all sit for far too long, it seems, unless they're good, and then they die in plane crashes.
And how pissed off is Dubya that the Supreme Court upheld the right of two consenting adults to have sex together behind closed doors, for crying out loud? Heee! Seriously, it's not too terribly (though Justice Scalia disagrees and feels that the Court was catering to the Homosexual Agenda, whatever paranoid fantasy that is) daring to say: yeah, you know what, civil rights do extend into the bedroom, especially in light of some retard state keeping laws on the books that legislate that sort of stuff. Crap. Anyone with any interest in personal privacy (and that should be EVERYONE) should be making a lot of noise pro-this decision. Seriously. You folk who say "I've got nothing to hide, so what do I care?' Yeah, you've got nothing to hide NOW, but jsut wait: if Ashcroft has his way, we'll ALL have something to hide. Take that to the (grossly overcharging) bank.

Argh! Something has been lost in the translation. But I suppose it's doing the job, so okay.
I put up some of the posters - and this morning I noticed someone had written "Amen!" on the one that said "Where are the weapons of mass destruction?" It makes me really want to put the rest up now. that will be my project this weekend, since it's free. I'm (we're) so poor for the next month or so, it's bad. If we didn't have a car payment, it would sure be nice. If we didn't see three doctors each, that'd help too. If i didn't owe two courts, 6 cards and various other people money (my mom, karen and ken) that'd be nice too. what the hell will happen to us when (if) we get old? I guess I just bank on that karen will adopt me, or something. fuck that. how bout something trivial, and diverting? the Five:
1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]?
The usual: working, trying to get smaller, therapy. Woohoo!
Growing tomatos, reading a lot. It's free, y'know?

2. What was your first summer job?
Babysitting all day for Jesse & Eric. I had to be there from 6am, until 4pm or so. I had to feed 'em, and keep them from killing each other. It payed well. I liked their mom, Paula, a lot. Watched a lot of MTV (it's first year on the air) and Love Boat.
The fact that Jesse was only 3 years younger than me (and a pal of my brother's) was, and is a source of great amusement to all who know us. Jesse, later to become a star bartender locally, would hail my entrance to his bar with a loud declaration that "All my babysitters drink for free tonight!!"
(cure laughter)
Now though, due to a bad call on my part, we don't talk. I should call him and apologize I guess. But he said some stupid shit. But then, who doesn't? people make mistakes.

3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go?
EUROPE.
Italy, France, Sloivenia, Spain, Portugal.

4. What was your worst vacation ever?
Wow, haven't really had a "worst" vacation, as I don't really take them. But the cancelled trip to Ashland that me and SMRHE and I spent at home with me altering Nature's course sucked in whole new ways.


5. What was your best vacation ever?
Mike and I had a good time in Jamaica (after the bad drug deal). I enjoyed Europe, though it wasn't a vacation. SMRHE and I haven't been on a vacation yet. Scott and I driving across the US was kinda cool, though I was toast most of the time.
Yeah. Most of my vacation-y things.,....ohMYgawd. Hopey and I at Long Beach: that was the best vacation (only real one) EVER! Yeah.

Seriously, my ultimate guilty pleasure is indulging in late 80's-early 90's U2. It triggers the most pleasant feelings in me. WEirdly so in most instances, as that was such a chaotic time for me personally, but of course, that's got to be it: I was so busy living that the music is the keynote (keynote? what the hell am I saying?) keystone of that time. It was the most calming influence in my gung-ho debauchery days of Yore. Or something.
Or something. That should be the name of the book right there. And the whole thing might have to be written to the greatest hits (volume one of course, because by volume two i was long past using U2 to satisfy anything. and well - with the exception of say 3 songs on Achtung, what the hell else was worthwhile? that lemon/mcfly/crazy-beyond-Bowie shit was out of control, and when Edge abandoned his guitar, it all went to crap. Even the pentultimate drummer LMJ can't save that synthy pop. yeah. proof? check out the record sales, and which ones can you find used? hrm? see?)
Right. So, finsihed (just about) FAst Food Nation, and just like Diet for a Small Planet, and several other books about the food insustry, not to mention just common knowlege-based observations (Jeezus, people eat that Mc Donalds shit on purpose?) that I've gained over a quarter century of life lived paying way too much attention to detail. It's a good, somewhat saddening (if you care about the decline of American civilization, as I do) book. Plus, it brings to light one thing that's pissed me off for years, but really, really eats (heh, eats) at me right now as I try and make myself smaller in a realistic manner so that I might maintain forever instead of back and forth and back and forth: but here it is - I don't eat shit. I don't eat fast food on any even semi-sorta regular basis. Once every 6 months, maybe I'll get some fries when SMRHE determines he must have a cheeseburger and we're on the road and my desire to keep a forward trajectory trumps real shopping/eating. But seriously. I cook every night. Almost always good, solid stuff, from scratch. It drives me nuts to be fat and it's not Big Gulps doing it to me. It's not my diet. I used to think it was quantity too, but even that doesn't seem to make a difference. I really truly believe my metablolism if fucked from all the speed and coke. I have never been able to just drop weight by not eating. It doesn't work. Even not eating + excercise, still limits my loss (like now - I've been on the same plateau for 6 weeks, it's killing me.)

So, if you were a really pricey psychologist, and your patient started talking about serious money issues, would you cut them loose? Send them to a free (or sliding-scale) clinic? I mean, I'm sure she's good as long as I have my stuff covered by insurance, but i feel weird going in there today and basically admitting that the thing that's really, seriously bumming me out hard is the lack of money, and the lack of help i'm getting from SMRHE (whose not so rocking in this light) on the issue of money. it's all me, and even though he offers to help, how can he when everything is in my name? crap. plus, he misses so much work, it takes a huge toll on our financial well-being.
Agh. Sucky. And it's gonna rack me all day. But what other option would I have? Even if I was still writing payments, I couldn't pay them all anyway. It's just...shit is gonna blow for a while. It seems liek things have sucked forever now.
Bad choices. Like buying that book at the "cheapest" but then bouncing the check, so it ended up costing $30 instead of $7. Which is beyond lame. I didn't NEED it, and well...i've got serious money issues. Obviously.
Need to find a shoebox full of money.

Now, with the trivial aside. I can get to some meat:
"It’s only mildly reassuring to know that dissent exists in the States; its ability to counter the effects corporate greed seems to be dwindling near daily."
This, written by a Canadian living and working in France, is part of a lovely essay at her blog.
It strikes a chord in me, because I've only recently really started examining how exceedingly pissed off, disappointed, and saddened I am byt the country that I was born in. I would very much welcome being shipped out. Seriously. If France would take me, allow me to work, give me asylum, perhaps? I'd go. The rest of the world is correct: the majority of americans obviously don't give a flying fuck about anything other than their OWN personal comfort. And those of us who DO CARE can't do jack to change the minds of the hulking (literally) masses. Sure I can use my "power" and "right" of "free speech" but when no one fundemantally cares, what point is there? Worse, when every person in our "representative" government is bought and paid for by corporations (of which I don't patronize except in the most cursory ways, (yeah, I occasionally buy a diet pepsi or coke. But not every day, and not religiously. i drink water.)
Anyway. My point is, I was motivated for almost 15 minutes about 2 weeks ago. to poster, to help get the word out. But ultimately, as I hear reports of high school seniors tanking the easiest of comprehension tests, and the rest of the world noticing, I worry. And I am sad. and i no longer think i have the answer. or even an idea that will help. i truly believe it's gonna have to get a lot worse before it gets better, and i don't think the planet can survive getting worse.