It always comes back to this for me.

"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it." - Buddha .

marketing your emotions

Well, that'll teach me to be all posi-emo and see things as half-full. 'Tis the season for remembering how happy everyone seems to be with their post-me partners. I'm furious, even though i know that it's a waste of percious moments of my life - but kyle being a luthier, being happy in love - that was all via me. i enabled that shit, and it pisses me off. meanwhile, i'm wrangling Jared who goes back and forth about digging me, then it's purely lust based. lately he seemed to be making  more of an effort, but of course then i'm sick, and then bleeding. argh. and soooo fat. unbelievably so. plus new job, though hip, is still a bit of a challenge, but i try to remember how hard branzino seemed at times. yeah. and then the delightful (and by delightful i mean not at all amusing lately) uriel is pushing all my buttons - because he's easier in bed than jared, likes to snuggle, but is a 25-year-old partying player who is literally a foot shorter than me...and this week he bailed on hanging out with me, and i....care only in the most abstract of ways for the same reason i can't go hang with Jared, i'm coughing up phlegm all the time, constantly blowing my nose, and need to not drink. (after two consecutive bottles of evan williams after no hard booze most of last month) - but fuck. i need to find a doctor. i need to get new contacts. i need to pay for parking. i need to pay my cali debt (am a month behind on that) plus my license is suspended, my tabs are expired - i need to get an id, but as usual am broke. i am skating on thin ice every time i get behind the wheel. to be honest, the least of my problems is my lack of a companion, and yet it's all i can think about: mike, kyle, graham, smitty, darren (dorothy), spencer, tom, fuck it seems like each and every male i've been involved with in the last 10 years is totally hooked up and happy. and me? i am, as always, adrift. whatever. fuck it. i'm gonna die soon anyway, dunno if it's a brain tumor, or cancer, or MS, but it's something, and it's happening. i guess i just wait until the catastrophic issue presents itself. i dunno. this is tedious. whining is tedious. i just wish someone would fucking show just a little appreciation occasionally. but i guess it's cause i don't? dunno.

Friday the 14th.

'tis the season, and all that.

notes from mid-stream

So, yeah, 2014. I'm not gonna give in to my typical inclination to say "another year of this mess." I do honestly feel like this year will be different. Not sure how, yet, as it's starting as so many of them have in the past: new job (or new home), old ghosts being laid to rest (another damn child brought into this world without a plan, but my hopes for The Stray are that this sets him on a path to achieve what I know he can), and new ones surfacing. I'm starting a(nother) new job on Saturday - and it's a better fit, at least I hope. It's keeping early hours, which has so far proven to (pretty much) keep me out of trouble. Unless, of course I make plans to "do" something, and then it all blows apart when old paths are traveled, and I ignore the lessons I should know by heart by now (stop drinking Beam straight up out of tumblers with guitarist/vocalists you harbor massive unrequited crushes on). Whatever. There have already been some angelic interventions, and my final days at the Pretzel Factory are of course lovely, which makes me panic and wonder if I'm making the right choice - but I know I am, because I need to be back in a place that has a manageable production schedule (like, not 800 people a night) and where what I do is noticed, not just by the morning kitchen manager, but by the guests. So: get up at 3:30am, and make stuff happen 4 days a week, and the other 3? Make stuff. Enjoy stuff. Enjoy the town i love. All of it. Gonna listen to the right voices this time :)

Bring on 2014

2013 is going out just like it came in: kicking & screaming and full of last-minute wonders and dissappoints. Entering this new one again, like I do, hopeful that i can make the changes i need to, and keep my head in the game.

winter is here

Yeah, it's been a rough couple of weeks. Not settling in as well as I would like in the new gig. Sometimes, my ability to do it all actually can work against me - I've been wedged into less baking and more prep, and then this last week and a half, a station I just....hate. With all my heart and soul - I hate deep fryers. I mean, the good news is (I think) that I don't have to clean them. The bad news is, I have to fry stuff. And work brunch service. Making fried chicken, french fries, and, ostensibly, doughnuts.
Argh. This is what happens when you take a stand on something. About 6 years ago (post-Lantana) I made a promise to myself I would not do this. But, desperate for a paycheck and listening to the cooing sounds of a very sweet chef, I went ahead and let this new place slot me in where they need me most.
The problem remains: I am not 19. Every day that I can work is a gift, and I absolutely do not want to spend it frying shit (much less noshing on fries). Plus: brunch. Fuck that. I should not have left 'zino so quickly. Once again, I got too full of myself and put myself in a precarious position. On top of that, financially, and as usual right at xmas, i am fucked. i am in a deep dark hole money-wise and really don't have a lot of options. Will sell the car, but that isn't worth much, really all it will be good for is to keep me from having to pay to store it.
Yeah, bah, humbug. Dark times. There was a brief flash in october/november, but it's fizzled. I'm also sick again with whatever lingering bronchial infection i apparently carry all year.
Ugh. More later. What I need (ok, want), is about 4 straight shots of Jamie's a Pabst tall boy, & Dewie:

What I will have? Benadryl & getting up at 5am to be at work at 6am on a Sunday. SMH.

another chapter ends...

Last week I gave up. I typically will be stubborn as possible in these work situations, but this time, I just let go. Almost two years of keeping my head up, allowing for all the drama and fuck ups and chaos and malaise. Watching an awesome guy and talented chef transform into a dejected, angry guy. Watching amazing food go unnoticed by the owners, by the staff - luckily, our guests enjoyed it, and they let me know - which is probably why I survived there so long. I like kudos. I love to make people go "wow", it's just a thing with me.
So, when the owners let the chef go, and didn't tell me, didn't offer me the position, a pay increase, nothing, I was chagrined, to say the least. When I pushed the point of a pay increase and they avoided me, waffled and did a little dog and pony show, i realized i simply had no desire to work for them anymore. I love that restaurant, and I am crushed I won't see it succeed, but I had no choice in the self-respect area; I had to leave. I will miss the variety, the creativity and autonomy I enjoyed - but i won't miss the sketchiness of payday, the constant battle for coherent leadership, the pests riddling the restaurant. I won't miss the water leaking on the floor, or the broken tools. I will miss my pantry protoge, U, who I have become (as per usual) quite fond of, and I will miss having a place where friends, family, and favorite guests can visit me. I will lose a whole swath of people in this transition - but I can't keep limping along, demoralized in front of them all.
I flirted with another pastry position; applied, demoed some food, and was rebuffed. I know it wasn't my finest work (there are a few reasons why, but ultimately, it's the WHY wasn't it my finest work, when i needed it to absolutely be that, right then that will hound me. Sadly, I could barely afford to make what I did make, I have so poorly planned this little unpaid break) and so there is no surprise when I didn't hear back from him yesterday as planned. It's ok though, I have accepted a baking job, working with Scrap's old chauffeur, making buns, breads, doughs, desserts, and pretzels, loads and loads of pretzels.
So if you need me, I'll be on the Hill, doing that. In the daytime - which should knock my whole body into another state - no more vampire hours, no more drinking heavily at the end of every night, no more binge eating at 2 in the morning. who knows, maybe i can even rope myself back into daily meditation practice. However it turns out, as of 7am on Sunday morning, a new chapter begins....again.

story of my life...

though, i'd be lying if i said this wasn't on my mind...

so.good. always. stray or not, i am...in.

Watching old videos and stuff of older punk rock bands (that is, bands that were playing when we were) makes me realize this horrible thing: we didn't suck as much as I thought we did.
How much of a difference would it have made if I had believed as much in my band then as I do now in my bread pudding, my cheesecake, my fucking pizza, mustard, pickles, pate or whatever it is I FEED PEOPLE?
Yeah, that fucking hurts. I'm watching this again, through older eyes (again) and realizing that not only was I not as ugly as I thought I was, but....well, I didn't suck as much as I thought I did. I let those horrible, horrible scenester Rrrriot Grrls make me feel small. I let them do that. I didn't suck, and really, there was not a girl in a band like I was, when I was. So, I did what I could. I looked like I felt. I did what I did. Still doing that today. Just wish I'd figured this all out sooner. Kudos for kids who figure shit out early and don't addle their brains with questionable substances (still waiting for the nephews to ask those questions).
Go team.

chuck says

Arrrsenaaaaaaal...

My beloved footy team is off to an amazing start this season - the best ever in the 5 years I've been following them (holy shit, 5 years??? how can it have been that long already?) and it's really exciting. All the things I have heard this team can be, the glimmers of it I have seen over the years, the drama that has unfolded especially in the last two (since Rambo was injured) it's all coming good now. We are undefeated in 9 now (PL games) have qualified and are gonna do battle with Dortmund* on Tuesday in Champs league action (which is also pretty amazing)  and are currently top of the league - I've led a couple of my fantasy leagues already (without playing a single Stoke Orc or nasty evil Spur - who dropped a lot of cash - it's almost like trying to avoid playing a City player at this point) and am second in my Arsenal sponsor's team*, so that's exciting. As much as I'm curious to know how it feels to have your team win the championship (though I suspect it will be more like the first time I heard Bad Religion on the radio: exhilarating for a nanosecond while you realize "holy shit, I love this band!" and then the crushing realization you have become The Mainstream; I'm also curious to see Theo and Bacary get the payoff they deserve for continuing to persevere in what surely was an onslaught of offers to go to other clubs, and they have remained. Bac is my absolute favorite player ever, and Theo has come to encapsulate the British footy ideal for me - he's just such a nice, good guy. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but clearly an honest player.
*update: as of this week i'm leading the league, and we lost to Dortmund. I forgot to hit "publish" on this post last week. ah well. still loving this season.

and by that i mean...

Just been that sort of month. Fall is here though. I like Fall.

rinse and repeat

Halfway there. Well, three-quarters by this measure I suppose....

Memo to self

I wish i could take a picture of the way the ocean smells - that's gonna be my holy grail photo challenge. I am a lucky lady to be able to work in a kitchen where when we open the front door at night, the beautiful sea air wafts in. Not quite an old ice warehouse with huge east-facing windows, but still....pretty awesome. Working on keeping my head up now, as i am in year two at the 'zino, and...its ok, but could be better...

sunday

i got nothin'

sometimes...

what happens, is that you don't see what is happening. If you are me, you generally don't see it (because you are so wound up in the moment, you have no other perspective) and so things happen, and they are ok, and they are not. Me, I'm actually ok. I live my life the way I want right now, and TBH I can't complain about it. My job gives me the autonomy I desire, and my personal life requires only the minimal of upkeep, and, truth be told, I'm ok, for the first time in...FOREVER with that. I love my living space. My job is what I love and the peeople I work with I dig SO MUCH. I wish my schedule was a little different so i could spend more good time with my family, but that might work itself out in a while. the reality is, that my heart is scarred, and i move forward, because that is all i can do. so i....do.

sometimes this feels like everyday

it's back on!

We qualified for Champs league, and then a last minute miracle transfer brings the single best midfielder in the world to Arsenal. Giroud and Theo must be like kids waiting for Christmas Day right now. Plus, we bought another keeper, 2nd best in Italy, so...yeah, gonna be a fun season I think. I hope. The team seem more team-like than i've ever seen them, and Poldi, Pez & Ozil are already pals! woohoo!