dream a little dream

Another week. The little brother's life just went into a tailspin as his stupid wife decided that her marriage was inconvenient. And that apparently, the only things she and he had in common was their son. Yeah. That's another point for the emotionally damaged, one more loss for Love.
Meanwhile, 'zino is on fire with a prohibitionist New Busguy, which leaves me a bit emotionally disturbed and not feeling much love for my former partner in fermenting, etc. But, gotta do what I gotta do.
Finally, just wanted to note that the less I drink the more i dream (duh) and last night was an epic dream where i was part of a football ramble (which i'm sure i fell asleep listening to, as i tend to these days) but i dreamed they were videotaping it, they all had families, and the plot outline was a big picnic that they had invited me to. It included their wives being nice to me, Bacary's wife appearing outta nowhere, me following the guys from room to room, them being a little less rough than they look in pictures, great british (?) food, and the end scene, as they wrapped the episode, i got to get all intense with Marcus, of course. Brilliant all the way around. If only i could convince my brain to not drink more often.

Summer heats up.

Firstly, Hempfest, you are a bad idea on fire. I'm all for legal pot, but a three-day excuse to sell tie-dye, eat fried food and listen to jam bands? On the waterfront? In August? Isn't that what one goes to the County Fair for? Plus, you hippies are jacking the parking in belltown up, and when you wander into my restaurant blazed outta your pea-brains, you realize you only have enough money left for meatballs (or prosciutto and fruit) and splitting a beer - get out and make room for the real diners. Argh.
Anyway, things are jumping with the new owners, which is great to see; though we have had our first major dustup as New Busguy (he's not so new now) made a colossal mistake in judgement and threw the entire staff under the bus - it appears our new owners are understanding (that is, they can't replace all of us at once) but he has severely damaged the morale and his own status at the restaurant. More details to follow, but I have to hand it to the 'zino, it never, ever fails to amaze and amuse.
Oh, and it's opening day in the PL and my beloved Arsenal were demolished by....Aston Villa. I dunno what it is about Villa, but they really know how to work us over. We scored early, and then....a series of horrendous calls from the officials, some horrible tackles (leaving us with all the injuries we really can't afford at this point since we have bought NO ONE), and boom, we lose the first game of the season. It doesn't look good at all. This is going to be a tough one. Though thanks to the official site, i can now listen live to the matches for free, but dammit, we need some help. COYG!

what's good

http://youtu.be/YeZK9Y9HH3k

missing in action

i've been writing, but not posting here. things i used to be ok with sharing aren't...so much, now. the restaurant is going through big changes, and as i've stepped up into an actual sous position, i find myself emulating my chef (My Chef, not the current that i work for, CM) more and more. the great food, amazing ideas (i frigging spitballed a take on carolina bbq that i didn't even know i had in me. turns out, i read a lot, and taste, a lot) and even to the point of making pates. (Though, i still am not done with it - so many tweaks i want to make) but, i'm also emulating a lot of the emo stuff he put me through - with my line cooks. one in particular, who doesn't have any passion, much less technique. he doesn't (in my mind) try. He slams things, bangs things, whistles in the kitchen (why does that drive me so batshit? would i prefer bryan adams' windmills?), still, after 3 months, doesn't understand how to read, much less fire a ticket, and for the love of all things kevinseconds, can barely boil water without a prompt. still, it in no way excuses the shit i give him, nor my being enabled by my adoring (yeah, clearly they're all crazy too) serving staff; who have been seeing to it that i remain, if nothing else, satiated during service in an effort to keep me....less angry.
but, like My Chef, i have a switch, and last night it flipped. i was unprofessional on the line, and CM called me out on it, and I apologized to him for being flip, but not to Monkeynuts because....because I find it hard to speak to him at all. I know he must feel confused and wonder why i hate him so much, what he's doing wrong (again)....i remember feeling that pressure. but then, i remember that i love this, i care about this, this job that i've chosen will keep me at the poverty line for the rest of my life. i won't ever own a house, a new car, anything. i won't ever have things, becuase i made this silly choice to do what i love so late in life. so when i get angry at a stupid shit who is only cooking because he can't be bothered to do anything else...it becomes so personal to me. i wish i could let that part go. anyway, more later, maybe. i gotta go.
also got a quick message from the Stray last night: sent me a link to IFHY by Tyler. Yeah, that stings.

Birthday dinner at johann's family's farm

Sheep, tomatoes, lamb, wine, volleyball, nephews, brothers, old couples, new couples, religion, fruit, chickens, eggs, ice cream, kumbocha, bonney lake, chance (not chase) jewelry store, chipper's, etc.
I was invited to NewBusguy's family home for his birthday. All these things happened. It was lovely and heartbreaking, like all family events are. So many odd memories, so many similar paths, and yet soooo, very different.
Humans freak me the fuck out.

thursday is monday

sounds of summer

bottled bing cherry kombucha tonight. i think it's my favorite so far....it's also almost time for footy. It's still a bit early yet, but late into the transfer season, and it looks as if it will be the Bi-Polar-ist of all bipolars this year for my Gunners. We might sign a bitey (but gifted on the pitch) Uruguayan, we might sign a guy with new hair, we might sign a french dude (oh, wait, we did that; we might sign multiple french dudes) we might just wait for the baby Jesus (Jack) to get back to regular training.
Who the hell knows?
What is interesting to me, ultimately, and as usual, is the journey. I am now five years into following the Arsenal. Not much for those who were born into it (Like the folk @tuesdayclub or @footballramble) but I was reminded by my sensi (if you will) in an email, of those golden moments spent at the hot dog cart as he regaled me with tales of the Gunners, and of not watching the matches until he got home; of the personalities, of the history. Then we started going to watch matches together, and commiserating  after. So many long talks in 2010, watching my first entire World Cup as a Gunner. Watching matches all over SF with Tommy, watching them online, all the time. It's been a rough year, this last one, post-RVP, but here's hoping we come of age this year. That Theo fullfils his promise. That Ramsey kills all the Giant Orcs (from Stoke), that Jack becomes the King we hope for. That Louis scores a shit ton before he lops someone's head off and drinks the blood. Let's hope.

the answer has been in front of us the whole time

and texas too, dammit.

july already....

so many feels for this song.
also how hilariously retro is this video. adorable.

the truth is in the meme

breezy knows what's good

aannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, here i am again.

i had no idea how appropriate this band was for what was happening. just shows how out of step i had become. it all makes so much more sense, and i feel like an idiot for not picking up on it.

summer doldrums.

I am not gonna lie. I miss the Ramble something fierce. I have been just listening to them over, and over and over - the whole catalog. On my phone. I don't even have room for music at this point. I just keep downloading and listening to Rambles.
When I was in college, my boyfriend (the very first serious-y one) had a habit of falling asleep to talk radio - particularly a high-range AM station from SF. The host was a blazing liberal, and he stayed in that slot for years - I would always delight in being able to tune into KGO and check out Ray on the overnight slot. We listened to him a lot when we'd be driving, speed-enhanced to Seattle (we'd make it literally an 11-hour trip from NorCal).
I just mention it because, since Ray left his spot at KGO, I haven't found much I can drift off to (and for those of us in the industry, it's either drifting off to sleep or passing out, and I am getting a bit old for that physical pain) - but seriously, the Ramble guys? Je te adore, or whatever the french term is for I LOVE THESE GUYS. Yeah, one's a Gooner, but still. So good. Summer needs to end  because I miss Marcus, Pete, Lukey, & Jim or James :) I miss my bi-polar Gunners as well, but that goes without saying. Also: still waiting for a signing. Please can we not wait until 15 minutes before the season opener again Arsene?

Strike 2

I hadn't expected to actually see the Stray walk in again - but when he did it was so sweet and so warm...and then later...it wasn't. And instead of telling him how much i love him and care and all the rest - instead, i...reverted to form. Thought i'd made so much progress. Argh. Don't think I'll get another chance to...fix it, I guess. I suspect it's not fixable anyway.

intermission

i have this pal. he lives in Berlin now, Rome when I met him, and is from Croatia. He booked parts of both our Euro tours - the italian bits, and the slovenian/croat/serbian bits. i am crazy about him. and now? now, i'm helping him edit his first novel, and could NOT be more happy. He. Is. Awesome. #adam

evol

I typically try and avoid difficult things as long as i can. Sometimes, the difficulty is all imagined in my dark, twisty brain; and sometimes it's genuinely hard work that requires effort. Lately, my dodging of the saute bullet has been harder and harder. First off, I mastered and owned pantry pretty immediately, and the only thing keeping me from running a real pastry program right now is an actual lack of dishes to serve things on, and, of course enough hours in every day to get everything done. However, we lost two saute cooks in the space of 2 weeks. One we knew was going to leave, the other bailed without any warning (except for the couple of weeks in a row when we didn't get paid on time, and all the overtime he was looking at because of the other guy leaving). So when Chef asked me last night to bite the bullet and take the station when yet another stage didn't show up, I did.
I know I can cook. Well, even. It's what I love - I take it seriously, and want it to be amazing. I know, with enough practice, i can multi-task on the hotline to get proteins and sauces and the landings done - if I can juggle desserts and pantry, i can certainly do that, given a few times at the wheel, enough practice to get a rhythm. Also, with us bringing in new people, it's better for the continuity of the restaurant for me to step up, rather than aside, which was what I was trying to do, because it worked so well with Dewie that way. So, last night, I officially stepped up to the plate (hah, a pun), and didn't suck too hard at it. I had already been picking up the octopus and stuff (getting alot of kudos from guests on that dish in particular), and have certainly done risottos for Dewie, and started the proteins for him as well -  last nght I picked up the market fish, the chop (sorta), a shit ton of chicken piccata, and even the lovely branzino itself, which, even if I do say so myself, looked epic. lucked out on my first grillmarks. though, truth be told, i had an affinity for that back at pangea.
I have a talent for this - it's the physical toll that's actually kicking my ass right now. Trying to find a way to deal with that snag is the hardest part of all this. I like how it felt last night at the end of the night, and being able to send Chef home early was great. Hopefully, I'll only need to fill that roll a couple nights a week and go from there, though i suppose if Smitty works out well enough, i can teach him more actual cooking/prep stuff. hopefully. though with my luck he'll land a job in finance tomorrow.
also, i should probably look into starting to butcher the fish too - haven't done that in a dog's age, but am kinda up for it now.

take me back to paradise city

This was unearthed a bit ago, and is probably Agent86, during my tenure ('cause, you know, they're still alive & kicking in Vegas) at it's peak, sound-wise (ok, there was the incarnation with Flame & SMRGE; but all the bile that remembering them brings now makes it hard to look fondly on, but it was a blazing 4-piece line-up). Billy on drums, the king of the double-kick pedal. Though, by the looks of me, I was well into living my glam-punk-rawk ethos full throttle. That is to say, hammered beyond belief, the start of a mighty long hangover...Hard to watch me barely moving onstage, no wonder the Riot Girls got so pissy with me. Anyway, I offer this little glimpse into my black heart; and also: look. at. that. hair.

xoxo.

“It’s not your life, it’s life. Life is bigger than you. Life isn’t something that you possess, it’s something that you take part in and you witness.”
- Louis C.K.

bright light/update

Summer seems to have arrived early - clear blue skies, pushing 70 degrees - my city shines on these days - mindless building and road demolishing notwithstanding. The rollercoaster has been doing some swoopy, spinny, jerky things of late - almost all restaurant related (because it is the center of my world at this point). Time with the nephews was lovely, but coming back to find another crew member had bailed was disappointing, and also means that we have been doing the training-in dance for well over two weeks now. It hasn't been going as well as previous times. Though I did bring in my old pal Smitty, and that's been fun, but he's neither permanent, nor a lifer like me. But, it's a nice breath of fresh air for a bit. Meanwhile. I did bail on the stage at the fancy new place. To be honest, I'm just not in the right frame of mind to tackle a postion like that again - opening a high-visibility restaurant with a name chef: more than I can stomach. Thus, I'm all-in at the 'zino, though i did have an interesting chat with a headhunter (hadn't heard that term since my dad died) about potential jobs, and now I'm on his list, so who knows? Anyway, just trying to keep an even keel and get stuff done. Romance has been snuffed out a couple of times now, and I'm ok with it. The path of least resistance and all that. Miss the Stray though, especially on the warm nights walking home. But, y'know, it's typical. It's my normal now.
Hibiscus and orange sorbet and a cookie tonight - still deciding on the cookie. Did apple crostadas (some amazing honeycrisp still coming in - go Washington!) with pecans and Pt. Reyes Blue - a bit poncy, but fun to offer a little rif on apple pie with cheddar cheese. Sold a few. Yeah.
Also, many kudos for the food lately - CM and I are on target, and as I start picking up more of the saute stuff, things will be better too. Had a guy come to the pass to tell us the octopus was the best he'd ever had (he was from Italy, he and his wife) and it turned out it was one of the tickets I fired. Stoked! Yeah. As trying as things get, and as lonely as it can be being me sometimes, I am still very happy that I chose to do what I love for a living. Reading entries I wrote this time last year has actually been really helpful in reminding myself how resilient I am, and that strength carries me through to the next little bit of awesome that is around the corner....somewhere.

communing with the little people

Specifically, my nephews. Going north to spend the rest of the week babysitting my nephews and visiting my mom - just as i'm getting rid of either a massive case of tonislitis that turned to bronchitis OR a return of the walking pneumonia. Don't know either way as I can't afford a doctor. Anyway, looking forward to a change in scenery, and day-to-day routine, and a break from the kitchen drama, although after last night, it is gettting pretty damn intense/loony. Part of me almost feels like bailing on the stage i have planned on the 21st, but knows i'll regret it if i don't go - because remember when i bailed on the stage at Ad-Hoc? Yeah. So, anyway, off I go to do some kid-wrangling, here's hoping i don't have to emotionally smack the oldest one into place again.
The little one is a doll though.