breezy knows what's good

aannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, here i am again.

i had no idea how appropriate this band was for what was happening. just shows how out of step i had become. it all makes so much more sense, and i feel like an idiot for not picking up on it.

summer doldrums.

I am not gonna lie. I miss the Ramble something fierce. I have been just listening to them over, and over and over - the whole catalog. On my phone. I don't even have room for music at this point. I just keep downloading and listening to Rambles.
When I was in college, my boyfriend (the very first serious-y one) had a habit of falling asleep to talk radio - particularly a high-range AM station from SF. The host was a blazing liberal, and he stayed in that slot for years - I would always delight in being able to tune into KGO and check out Ray on the overnight slot. We listened to him a lot when we'd be driving, speed-enhanced to Seattle (we'd make it literally an 11-hour trip from NorCal).
I just mention it because, since Ray left his spot at KGO, I haven't found much I can drift off to (and for those of us in the industry, it's either drifting off to sleep or passing out, and I am getting a bit old for that physical pain) - but seriously, the Ramble guys? Je te adore, or whatever the french term is for I LOVE THESE GUYS. Yeah, one's a Gooner, but still. So good. Summer needs to end  because I miss Marcus, Pete, Lukey, & Jim or James :) I miss my bi-polar Gunners as well, but that goes without saying. Also: still waiting for a signing. Please can we not wait until 15 minutes before the season opener again Arsene?

Strike 2

I hadn't expected to actually see the Stray walk in again - but when he did it was so sweet and so warm...and then later...it wasn't. And instead of telling him how much i love him and care and all the rest - instead, i...reverted to form. Thought i'd made so much progress. Argh. Don't think I'll get another chance to...fix it, I guess. I suspect it's not fixable anyway.

intermission

i have this pal. he lives in Berlin now, Rome when I met him, and is from Croatia. He booked parts of both our Euro tours - the italian bits, and the slovenian/croat/serbian bits. i am crazy about him. and now? now, i'm helping him edit his first novel, and could NOT be more happy. He. Is. Awesome. #adam

evol

I typically try and avoid difficult things as long as i can. Sometimes, the difficulty is all imagined in my dark, twisty brain; and sometimes it's genuinely hard work that requires effort. Lately, my dodging of the saute bullet has been harder and harder. First off, I mastered and owned pantry pretty immediately, and the only thing keeping me from running a real pastry program right now is an actual lack of dishes to serve things on, and, of course enough hours in every day to get everything done. However, we lost two saute cooks in the space of 2 weeks. One we knew was going to leave, the other bailed without any warning (except for the couple of weeks in a row when we didn't get paid on time, and all the overtime he was looking at because of the other guy leaving). So when Chef asked me last night to bite the bullet and take the station when yet another stage didn't show up, I did.
I know I can cook. Well, even. It's what I love - I take it seriously, and want it to be amazing. I know, with enough practice, i can multi-task on the hotline to get proteins and sauces and the landings done - if I can juggle desserts and pantry, i can certainly do that, given a few times at the wheel, enough practice to get a rhythm. Also, with us bringing in new people, it's better for the continuity of the restaurant for me to step up, rather than aside, which was what I was trying to do, because it worked so well with Dewie that way. So, last night, I officially stepped up to the plate (hah, a pun), and didn't suck too hard at it. I had already been picking up the octopus and stuff (getting alot of kudos from guests on that dish in particular), and have certainly done risottos for Dewie, and started the proteins for him as well -  last nght I picked up the market fish, the chop (sorta), a shit ton of chicken piccata, and even the lovely branzino itself, which, even if I do say so myself, looked epic. lucked out on my first grillmarks. though, truth be told, i had an affinity for that back at pangea.
I have a talent for this - it's the physical toll that's actually kicking my ass right now. Trying to find a way to deal with that snag is the hardest part of all this. I like how it felt last night at the end of the night, and being able to send Chef home early was great. Hopefully, I'll only need to fill that roll a couple nights a week and go from there, though i suppose if Smitty works out well enough, i can teach him more actual cooking/prep stuff. hopefully. though with my luck he'll land a job in finance tomorrow.
also, i should probably look into starting to butcher the fish too - haven't done that in a dog's age, but am kinda up for it now.

take me back to paradise city

This was unearthed a bit ago, and is probably Agent86, during my tenure ('cause, you know, they're still alive & kicking in Vegas) at it's peak, sound-wise (ok, there was the incarnation with Flame & SMRGE; but all the bile that remembering them brings now makes it hard to look fondly on, but it was a blazing 4-piece line-up). Billy on drums, the king of the double-kick pedal. Though, by the looks of me, I was well into living my glam-punk-rawk ethos full throttle. That is to say, hammered beyond belief, the start of a mighty long hangover...Hard to watch me barely moving onstage, no wonder the Riot Girls got so pissy with me. Anyway, I offer this little glimpse into my black heart; and also: look. at. that. hair.

xoxo.

“It’s not your life, it’s life. Life is bigger than you. Life isn’t something that you possess, it’s something that you take part in and you witness.”
- Louis C.K.

bright light/update

Summer seems to have arrived early - clear blue skies, pushing 70 degrees - my city shines on these days - mindless building and road demolishing notwithstanding. The rollercoaster has been doing some swoopy, spinny, jerky things of late - almost all restaurant related (because it is the center of my world at this point). Time with the nephews was lovely, but coming back to find another crew member had bailed was disappointing, and also means that we have been doing the training-in dance for well over two weeks now. It hasn't been going as well as previous times. Though I did bring in my old pal Smitty, and that's been fun, but he's neither permanent, nor a lifer like me. But, it's a nice breath of fresh air for a bit. Meanwhile. I did bail on the stage at the fancy new place. To be honest, I'm just not in the right frame of mind to tackle a postion like that again - opening a high-visibility restaurant with a name chef: more than I can stomach. Thus, I'm all-in at the 'zino, though i did have an interesting chat with a headhunter (hadn't heard that term since my dad died) about potential jobs, and now I'm on his list, so who knows? Anyway, just trying to keep an even keel and get stuff done. Romance has been snuffed out a couple of times now, and I'm ok with it. The path of least resistance and all that. Miss the Stray though, especially on the warm nights walking home. But, y'know, it's typical. It's my normal now.
Hibiscus and orange sorbet and a cookie tonight - still deciding on the cookie. Did apple crostadas (some amazing honeycrisp still coming in - go Washington!) with pecans and Pt. Reyes Blue - a bit poncy, but fun to offer a little rif on apple pie with cheddar cheese. Sold a few. Yeah.
Also, many kudos for the food lately - CM and I are on target, and as I start picking up more of the saute stuff, things will be better too. Had a guy come to the pass to tell us the octopus was the best he'd ever had (he was from Italy, he and his wife) and it turned out it was one of the tickets I fired. Stoked! Yeah. As trying as things get, and as lonely as it can be being me sometimes, I am still very happy that I chose to do what I love for a living. Reading entries I wrote this time last year has actually been really helpful in reminding myself how resilient I am, and that strength carries me through to the next little bit of awesome that is around the corner....somewhere.

communing with the little people

Specifically, my nephews. Going north to spend the rest of the week babysitting my nephews and visiting my mom - just as i'm getting rid of either a massive case of tonislitis that turned to bronchitis OR a return of the walking pneumonia. Don't know either way as I can't afford a doctor. Anyway, looking forward to a change in scenery, and day-to-day routine, and a break from the kitchen drama, although after last night, it is gettting pretty damn intense/loony. Part of me almost feels like bailing on the stage i have planned on the 21st, but knows i'll regret it if i don't go - because remember when i bailed on the stage at Ad-Hoc? Yeah. So, anyway, off I go to do some kid-wrangling, here's hoping i don't have to emotionally smack the oldest one into place again.
The little one is a doll though.

delerium

Argh, been down for the count my entire weekend (the last potential free 3-day-in-a-row one for the foreseeable future, as I'm nephew-sitting next week) with tonsillitis - which oddly, used to happen way more often; but in the last year or two, hadn't been much of an issue. However, I gave into the sunny weather and walked home the other night without a hat, and bam! Infection City. Nursing myself back to non-feverishness by drinking copious amounts of tea, water, and juice. A few glasses of kombucha, but until I'm sure the tonsils are no longer at risk, it's probably best not to be drinking live cultures. All sorts of expectorating (tmi? hah.) 3-Day Soup and Toast diet as well. Yay. Missed this week's wine tasting, which came one week after the last one (trying to get back on Fair's schedule, apparently) - and so I'm probably in the doghouse, but I had to not risk infecting everyone and making my health any worse too. Besides, last time was merlots, which i'm far too familiar with (but man we killed it on the food) and this week was sangiovese, which would have been fun, but not as interesting as other wines might have been.
Anyway. Change is on the horizon (I guess it always is, it's just sometimes you know when to expect it, and other times, it just slams into you, leaving your passenger-side mirror on the ground. yeah, that's a thing that happened last week as well....) - Dewie is leaving the 'zino, and after a pretty major paycheck fiasco, I'm actively looking. I don't want to jinx anything, but I scored an exciting interview (thus the .gif above) for a new gig at a new restaurant opening in June. Yeah, here I go again. But, this is the 4th for a group who have been really successful, and I've heard nothing but great things about the primary characters, so I'm meeting with the executive chef tomorrow before I go into work. Here's hoping it goes well - I need to grow, and it's not going to happen in a place so hobbled by poor management as 'zino currently is.
Additionally, the ex-smrge thing isn't so raw - it was just rough there for a bit, chef going on his honeymoon, dewie breaking up with his wife, Fair in a crazy mixed-use relationship, J planning his wedding, C&D in their usual battle dance, Cando breaking up with her 4-mos-uber-boyfriend, Xtina breaking off her engagement....and everyone, for whatever reason, thinking I, of all people have some sort of wisdom about relationships.
Hilarious. ok, so tune in to see where i land next. if anything, it means a new cast of characters, and a longer bus ride to work - and how great and entertaining will that be? BusBlogging here i come!!

battling

...a lot of bitterness about last year right now. I know it's pointless, and that's probably why I'm so aggravated - but dammit. I'm really having a major PTSD issue with my exhusband's bullshit from LAST YEAR. Ridiculous, I know, and I'm on my meds, so it shouldn't be this big a deal, but it just seems to keep coming up, because everyone seems to be asking me for couples advice and all I can think of is: DO NOT FALL FOR IT. IT IS A LIE,.NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT IT TO BE TRUE.
Which, admittedly, blows. Because I believed. Twice. And got left, twice. And then to have me fuck up a seemingly new loving relationship due to my own paranoia (OH, THANKS AGAIN, EXSMRGE) just makes shit worse. I'm so goddamn broken. Sad.

bionic heeler

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2315616/The-bionic-dog-Mixed-breed-Nakio-lost-paws-frostbite-finally-walk-fitted-prosthetic-limbs.html

paddling, just keep paddling

tastemakers

Our little wine group is turning into a great bi-weekly gathering of friends. Last night was the cab sauvignon round, and we had upped the ante - 6 bottles on the table, with a pretty solid spectrum of prices and locales (california, washington, france). It was also the first edition in NBG's new place, and the last before his fiancee arrives from Texas next week. Favorite Expo brought food, Fair brought wine and his new lady (who I had met several times already), I trundled in wine and a quick asian salad, plus some cheese, and BikeBuilder brought not only a bottle from his father's winery, but also a supermarket standby as well. There was guitar playing (both Expo and Bike play beautifully, flipping from spanish classical to Death Cab easily), cardgames (I must remember to bring the Sopio deck next time) and as always, a ton of laughter and genuine wine talk. It's nice to have a group of people to hang out with that isn't completely wound up in each other's business (though a few of us are from the restaurant) - and as always, eating and drinking around a table with  people is really one of the best ways to spend any evening.

Dinner with Justin @Bar Sajor. Great company (tea at my place after) and good, but not amazing, food. Ah well. Details to follow.

I don't quote Henry much, but when I do...

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”

― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

hocus-pocus holiday

“I don’t know any perfect people - only really really flawed people who are still worth loving.”

—

John Green In additional news, my first batch of kombucha is about ready to bottle, and I'm excited to see how much it ends up fizzing, plus trying to decide on if/what to flavor it beyond just the basic starter teas....need to buy more of the lemonade in the flip-top bottles so that I have enough containers. Also, must get another gallon-size jar. Yeah.