Ghost in the machine

Found out today while searching on a bit of a whim, that my most favorite teacher of all (and I, being the good student I was had several teachers that I was fond of, or who were fond of me) died just a week ago. Had I tried the very same search earlier (as I have randomly over the years, to no avail) - say perhaps in the summer, perhaps I could have actually talked to him one last time - ironically he was living in Snohomish, the same little town i visit every couple of weeks to visit my mom and brother's family...but it isn't to be. I want to write about Mr. Gray, about the warmth and compassion he radiated and the wonderful inspiration he was for me - but i am still posting from my phone, my replacement laptop is out of commission and awaiting service. Hopefully though, in the next couple of days, a long-overdue Ed Gray appreciation post.

Ginger beer and marshmallows

Also, i forgot to mention that i got to try actual tamarind fruit as well...not bad for a tuesday.

Tuesdays in the kitchen...

Spent yesterday evening at Newbusguy's house (tho he's not that new anymore, so perhaps just NJ will work for now) brewing gingerbeer for the restaurant (and us too). He has done other brewing, mostly kombucha, which is how we started talking about this project. I started drinking commercial kumbocha in sf, and have been looking to try some stuff on tap, or at least direct from the brewer. NJ and i have a similar affinity for experiments, and the more we'd talk at work about food (he was also making his own wines over the holidays) it was inevitable we'd team up.
What started as just an evening brewing the ginger beer though ended up being a literal smorgasboard: jasmine rice with a korean soybean paste similar to LBF's devil sauce, tastes of various vinegars he had made (rosemary & a kumbocha based one which i really like), four different honeys (apparently he kept bees as a teenager and likes to collect honeys, and one in particular, the soursop, was fantastic in its deep complexity), aoli from scratch which we snacked on with bits of focaccia, pickle and ham, plenty of the first batch of ginger beer we'd made, and finally, a batch of ginger-lemon marshmallows on the fly.
Really fun way to spend a rainy evening. Next up, after we test the ginger beer this weekend, another batch of that to either fine tune or make for the bar, and then we are gonna do a taco night (making the tortillas from scratch, of course) and wine tasting. He wants to learn more about wines in particular (he's not really much of a drinker. Which is why he gets so much done, i suspect :) so that will be fun. We had a great time exploring a couple of cocktails from the new list at work, and have an easy way of communicating in the same terms about food, which is a treat.
Also, brainstormed a new dessert...a lemon meringue s'more.
I will be working that this weekend.

Moreover....

"If one is not wholly convinced of one's own lovability, receiving affection can appear like being bestowed an honour for a feat one feels no connection with."
- Alain De Botton

this.

 (via explodingdog.com)

Daryl Hall is no Abe Lincoln...

is it wrong to want to be on the daily show just to get a hug from jon stewart?

so, we found a kid to back me up in pantry, and potentially make us less dependent on the Mexican Mafia for our pasta and cheese production. the balance of power is shifting a little. also, she's a go-getter, so she should be keeping me on my toes as well. yay.

was great to have ricky, his wife, jeff, and frigging jesse drop in on friday night - i was in the foulest mood too...just really spent, still blue about the usual stuff, plus getting hit hard during happy hour, and then i hear "hey m!" and ricky was leaning into my station! i've never been SO stoked to be in an open kitchen. i sent he and kate a salad and cheesecake (they are both on a cleanse for the month) and chatted, and that's when they told me jesse was in town and that he and jeff would be by soon. they showed up at about 10, and it was so wonderful to hear jess laughing - i've known that guy for as long as i've known my brothers (really) and i always forget how much i miss him until we are back together. his laugh, like his mother's, and my mother's is so comforting - he just is part of my family, part of who i was, am, and certainly will always be. i smile so much around him, my face hurts sometimes. he and jeff hung out a while and then a couple of his other pals filtered in and out, and finally they closed the bar with fair, dewey and i. it was fantastic, and dewey and jesse together? Hi-larious. Such a wonderful surprise, and really welcome lift to my spirits, which have been flagging as i roll around wrestling demons and learning to accept the mistakes i've made recently. fair has been helpful as hell, almost angelic (in that castiel sort of way) in his willingness and keeping me from just spinning in circles....at least to a certain degree. yeah. it's great.

 

*this post originally appeared in mid-january, but due to an editing snafu, was reposted as current....damn u internets!

truth

“Unrequited love may be painful, but it is safely painful, because it does not involve inflicting damage on anyone but oneself, a private pain that is as bitter-sweet as it is self-induced. But as soon as love is reciprocated, one must be prepared to give up the passivity of simply being hurt to take on the responsibility of perpetrating hurt oneself.”

—	Essays In Love, Alain de Botton.

Yeah. Epiphany. Go figure.

goats go to....

JUST LOOK AT IT, CLAIRE. THE ROLLING HILLS, THE SUN-DAPPLED LEAVES, THE RUSTIC CHARM OF IT ALL. IT’S BEAUTIFUL. JUST BEAUTIFUL.

WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD? ARE YOU DRINKING AGAIN?

NO, DOWNTON ABBEY STARTED BACK UP. GOD, IT’S BEEN A DESOLATE TV WASTELAND RECENTLY.

(animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

argh.

i really, really, REALLY miss my dog right now.

honestly how do you not look at this dog and not go: g.o.d.

social connectivity

Went to large industry holiday party courtesy my ol' pal The Driver. It was good, and I was able to meet more people from the restaurant she works at (and also the one I tried to get the Stray to take a job at, and which I might still end up, should things hit the fan at the 'zino), and the other restaurants in the organization, enjoyed some lovely food, didn't drink, and ultimately came home feeling a little disoriented but pleased, I guess. Meanwhile, work is still a bit of a struggle, as we haven't filled the shoes of the Mighty A, and so the three of us are just powering through the week, each taking one day off alternating leaving 3 days where we are working with just 2 people on the line. It blows, because business is building - we are having busy weekends as a rule now, and the weeknights are picking up as well, and all without any of the gimmicky bullshit the owners wanted to try. Nope just kick ass awesome food, and relatively decent service.
Rumor is they will be putting security cameras in next week. Hilarious, as its way too late to get anything good on tape now. Ah well.
It's a bit much. Luckily, though, we (the kitchen) like each other a bunch (even my favorite pasta&cheesemaker/dishwasher and I are back on speaking terms - we still aren't quite as tight as we were before the Great Chocolate Spill, but it's good to be talking to him and laughing again), we seem to be losing some dead weight in the FOH, and the overtime is helpful right now, though I got a parking ticket yesterday which hurts. Boooooo.
I only drove 'cause I was late and needed to do errands, and dammit, I pay to park already in this town, so it bites when i get ticketed.
Anyway, don't mean to just whine, did have a plan for this post - about baking and such. About older posts, about how angry at myself I am for having failed at being trustworthy. However, I'm not quite there yet. Having a hard time snapping out of work-eat-sleep mode right now. Hopefully it's just my liver catching it's breath. Dunno. I thought by now I'd feel better, but I actually feel more drained.

affirmations

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill 

"if you're really doing it, you won't have time to talk about it" - Breezy Lovejoy

Re-reading july-september entries has also been illuminating - links are all there on the right for perusal...

also...hell of a time to find out there is Laser Skrillex at the pacific science center....i haven't been to a laser show since, what, laser chili peppers? seems like it would be fun. *sigh*

there's always a soundtrack to my life...

you see what i did here? fences and macklemore, and i didn't even know they had done this, i discovered them separately and for different reasons, and boom, there it is. all in one fell swoop. i suspect 2013 is gonna be a bear. serious.

better writing here:

http://hopey.blogspot.com/2012_01_08_archive.html

read the newspaper

Just an observation: the New York Times still, from all online appearances, still writes news stories the way I was taught back in journalism class. All the facts are in the first sentence. The rest? Details, in descending order. Haven't read the NYT in years (when I was in college, and then on the East Coast), and have just revisited online, and damn, no one writes like they do. #journalismyo.

bon voyage

Had to say goodbye to our favorite pasta cook last night and it was brutal. ChefM was devestated, I got choked up and teary (twice, truth be told) and she cried too. It was hard - especially since the next 2 days are going to be, as Indie Bartender J said tonight:"A full on shit storm". Also spent after-hours tasting Newbusguy's homemade mint wines and chocolates he made from scratch - looks like i might get to have him cover shifts so i can get a day off...but yeah, it was a *spirited* conversation, and then just kept Fair company while he waited out his last customers.
Didn't go to crazy loft party in the Square with him, J, and apparently where MDR and other usual suspects would be in attendance. Not doing that again. Gonna keep my home quiet, and my head even more So. Yup....waiting out 2012.

'Round and 'round

Got the call after arriving home after work, and SG even came by, picked me up and whisked me off to West Seattle. Late start to the evening, and he was all riled up about a disheartening fb interaction with MCWDITW (oh the irony),  and then he presented the holiday present. Oh, and I was allowed my first sleep-over. So that's a thing. I think.There were rules, of course, but that's good. Rules are helpful for me, to be honest. Actually, I'm gonna try not to think too much about it, because...well, you know, let sleeping dogs lie (and we did, until 11, which is typical for me, but not so much with he who holds actual job in adult world). Dropped me home in time to catch a quick catnap, coffee, and surf before heading back to what has, sadly, become Work. Ah well.
Yeah. Also the return of the raven hat, and a reminder to see The Hobbit - though recent reviews have kinda got me bummed about sitting for 3 hours for a third of the story.

That is all. For now.

About to start working 6-days a week for a while until we replace our smiling pasta chef who found a better job. This is gonna be tough, but the timing is typical. Xmas Eve was brutal, and NYE is shaping up to be a total clusterfuck.
The good news is, I need something to just keep me on the hamster wheel; to keep me on my game, because I've been coasting, and if I want to get better I need to do stuff. Lots and lots of stuff, awesome stuff. Get back to the headspace of late summer. Less self-doubt, more adventure and curiosity. Pronto. It's back to the part where I need to move forward, try to put the warm fuzzy memories of sleeping in, coffee and youtube in the morning, of laughing and working together, of actual warm emo that  filled the moments in between all the cavorting, the wave of discoveries that occured ...all those memories need to be stashed away for a while, until I can revisit them and not be so full of regret. I never expect anything to really last anymore, and I guess, ultimately, that's why they don't. So, working on that, among other personal growth issues. Just working to shake off the affection, the desire will be difficult enough. But I made this reality, so I'm gonna paddle through it as best I can....
 And, I've finished all the Supernatural episodes, so that is done as well. Boohoo. No more coming home to Sam & Dean to drown my sorrows ;)
Ok, time to make the donuts so I can pay for the laptop, and all the other bills that are due.....

this is how it goes and goes and goes....

"How come I end up where I started?"
Yeah, see, here's the part where I actually know the answer to this question, but ignore it anyway.
Because you keep doing the same shit. As do I. I've lived through this before, and should have recognized it for what it was, but I treated it as if it wasn't for real, just a lightning strike. I didn't believe.
What should have happened, was that I, the older, supposedly wiser one, should have seen the abyss, and said to you: "Let's not do it this way, ok?"
But, I didn't. I reverted to old form, and the shit happened. Again.
It was all on me to grow, to treat this as a real thing, to recognize the opportunity to move forward and not fall back. And for that, I am responsible. I didn't let it happen. Yeah. You can blame all white girls, but crazy comes in all colors and often, with kids. So, you know, buyer beware.
It is what it is. I did what I did. The fact that it isn't the first time, is only echoing what is already clear if you read any of this blog. I do the best I can with what I have. I am not perfect. I love passionate people and want to help them more (often) than I want to help myself. I'm working on it.
I am, as smrge once described himself: a work in progress.
Though I would of course add the adjective: still.

i'm a loser, baby.

And, it turns out, a pretty huge asshole. I repeated history and lo & behold the results were the same. I knew better than to do what I did, and yet I did it anyway. You would think, after enough of those crucial moments, where you are standing at the precipice, knowing that there's no going back once you push that domino over, that I would learn to leave it alone. No matter how drunk I was, no matter how angry and hurt and abandoned I felt, I lost a hunk of my soul doing the pandora's box thing again.
Ok. With the hope that if this presents itself again, I will choose the higher path, the moral choice, i will Do The Right Thing.

yup

anything i do at 6am is highly suspect. just saying.