i'm a loser, baby.

And, it turns out, a pretty huge asshole. I repeated history and lo & behold the results were the same. I knew better than to do what I did, and yet I did it anyway. You would think, after enough of those crucial moments, where you are standing at the precipice, knowing that there's no going back once you push that domino over, that I would learn to leave it alone. No matter how drunk I was, no matter how angry and hurt and abandoned I felt, I lost a hunk of my soul doing the pandora's box thing again.
Ok. With the hope that if this presents itself again, I will choose the higher path, the moral choice, i will Do The Right Thing.

yup

anything i do at 6am is highly suspect. just saying.

dammit.

per a call i got about a half an hour ago, i will now be going to sleep via:

morning missed

Starting my day with this:

Then will move on to this:

Yeah, still can't shake it off...trying to, trying every way i know how right now.

reminder:

Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. -Ralph Marston

'tis the season...

I have this way with certain geeky/arty/smart types - maybe it's the old "birds of a feather" thing. Lately, been closing shop with Fair and all new rituals are occurring....better than previously in our story though, both from a financial standpoint, and from a physical/mental standpoint (not near the liquor intake) so that's been nice. Last night, I was rocketed back to 1983 (yes, EIGHTY THREE) while I looked on (well, I played too, but was so out of practice, i didn't make it past the first screen) as he fucking KILLED at the table version of Ms Pac Man. I literally swooned as if Bradbob was sitting across from me again at Godfather's Pizza. It was crazy how watching that game brought back all these sense memories of being at the arcade next to Moviola for hours at a time, playing that game over and over because it was the only one none of the boys played and was always open. Fair got to screens I'd never seen before! He got to the point where the power pills don't work! And I enjoyed every second of it! If there was ever, ever, EVER any doubt that I am a geek, it was removed last night. Punk rock dork, full-on. So much fun, and no annoying hangover, or random bruising.
Fireballs consumed: 2

Ok, not a bad evening...

Spent all day cleaning the apartment (while periodically surfing the internets), unpacked some of the stuff I lugged home from storage, and then went out into my neighborhood. Pioneer Square is awesome for a lot of reasons, and tonight featured a few: the lighting of the Christmas tree on Occidental Square was accompanied by a dog costume contest (yes there were many Santa hats, reindeer antlers, elf sweaters, ugly xmas sweaters, and also what appeared to be holdover actual costumes from Halloween ((a bassett in a cowboy hat, for instance), dogs of all varieties assembled for the festivities, and then a pet parade. Additionally, the First Thursday Art Walk was tonight, and while I didn't go into more than a couple galleries (my tolerance is low for the crowds, not the art) I did stop into my pal's shop where they were featuring an artist friend of theirs who does fantastic wood-block prints, mostly of animals - I had seen them while they were hanging them on Tuesday, and there were plenty of people, plus champagne, beer, cookies and of course the Shop Kittens, Vito and Ivar who have become these amazingly soft teen cats who are the healthiest most well-adjusted cats I've ever seen.
I hung out with C mostly, and he showed me his latest thrift finds, including this spectacular "Robot Chef" broiler/toaster/rotisserie/fryer from the '50's, never used...so awesome.

Then while chatting a woman came into the shop with a beautiful Husky and was asking D about dog sitting, and he tried to steer her into a sitting service and she was adamant that she didn't want that, and somehow my gut wanted to offer to do it (I did sit several dogs in SF, though always with Scraps and all elderly), so I approached her, and trying as much as possible not to sound like a complete dog-abducting psycho, I let her know that I was interested, and that I lived close by. Turns out, she's actually looking for someone to take the dog in (she'll be gone 5 weeks) not to just come by and feed & water. Dog is just 8, needs no meds, just walks and is "totally apartment trained". She sounded interested (she was honest to tell me she couldn't pay me much) and so we exchanged information - so I might be fostering (kinda) a Husky in February! Kind of cool, and might keep me out of most trouble for a bit.
Then, in another bit of neighborhood karma, my favorite Restaurant Hostess (and GF of J, our indie bartender) stopped in with her dog, and so we chatted for about a half hour, as she isn't working at the restaurant anymore. It was nice - and even a friend of C & D's who I've met a bunch of times now stopped by and it was just good to be among friends. I know that sounds silly, but I am still getting used to actually having a neighborhood, of being social again. Sometimes I feel so out of tune unless I'm in a bar or with the usual suspects...anyway, it was a nice evening, and didn't cost a penny. So, yay.

yes, just more random ephemera....

...yes, it's come to this: Grumpy cat meme re-posting.


(via buzzfeed.tumblr.com)

be cool, 502 goes into effect today...

YOU GET PINCHED, WE NEVER MET. YOU GOT ME? YOU FOUND THIS ON THE STREET.

(animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

also...

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” - Albert Camus

xmas

Not my favorite holiday by any means, and this one isn't shaping up to be much better...but this made me grin, cause it is without a doubt my favorite of all the holiday shows. All hail the Land Of the Misfit Toys and skinny Santa and a reindeer whose nose glows. Yeah. This.

done

i have nothing else to write right now. It's faster than the hiphop, but its feelings are no less real. Poets come in all colors.

More. Later, different; perhaps. Usually.

yes, again.

I love this version of this song. Always, but especially, now.

from time to time...

I drink too much. And I blackout. Sometimes, it's not a big deal - I'm in a place where everyone else is in that mode too, I'm with someone who is watching out for me, or I already have a plan for Home. Or I'm with Charles, and we are cavorting, or I'm at SG's and we are *watching movies*, stuff like that. Sometimes though, I do stuff, in that blackout, that I regret. Sometimes it's physical stuff, "hey look! car made it home, parked in its spot AGAIN"...and sometimes, like today; I piece together phone notices and drunken posts that I left as drafts...I realize I crossed the line (again). I have been very lucky lately, and in all Fairness, have been given a little help (still not sure why, but he's a good dude) - my car has been in the garage all week, and will hopefully stay there for another - so at least that isn't an issue (yay! living downtown!) but, I apparently yelled at someone via phone, who I very deeply still care about, [though hopefully for him it will subside eventually, and I'll leave him alone] ((though:MCWGITW vs. SG...)) for 6 minutes last night, and don't remember any of it, and can, unfortunately, imagine what I might have said. Which is painful. I called tonight, and am either blocked or his battery is fried. I'm guessing (a . And that kind of thing is the sort of activating incident that AA folk call: bottom. Again. Yay, me. It may not take the court to get me into a room this time.
Yeah, that thing. What's weird is this doesn't really happen much, but right now, all stars are aligning to show me that....that it's going to be a dry january at the very least. I have been playing loose and free with the rules, again, and it's falling in on itself (on me).
Time to move forward. Enough grovelling and feeling sorry for myself about smrge. Hey, check it: 28 years old and Fair. We watched the Lakers, had a fireball and a pabst and talked about crustypunx. It just keeps being awesome. Stop whining.
Oh, except shoulder is for all intents and purposes: jacked. Ice. and Jameson..
But, just so we are clear: this band belongs to The Stray the way The Replacements belong to MCDITW, or Wilco belongs to smrge, or DOA to Mike. Sometimes shit just happens like that, it touched a nerve, i needed a touchstone. Now, there's nothing else, it informs so much of what is RIGHT NOW.

;

injured reserve

Home with an crazy painful rotator cuff that's radiating down to my elbow and wrist. Had every intention of going to the storage facility to retrieve cooking stuff and some books/fliers that people have asked for (oh sure, now that i'm not sitting on all of it, suddenly everyone wants a piece. Plus, since my computer has gone belly-up everyone seems to want all my portfolio stuff as well). But a short walk to the drugstore on the corner for coffee filters (and kleenex, etc) and then a walk back home to grab a sandwich at grand central (won't do that again. it's either delicatus or subway, depending on the cashflow) and i was done. the thought of dragging stuff out and into my car and then out and into the elevator, fuck it. I am just gonna have to cough up another $134 and hope i can get shit done next month. which sux, because i'm living really close to the wire again, and it's depressing and stressful, and to be honest, it is the very, very worst part of being alone.
Anyway, working an extra shift tomorrow too, so hopefully i won't fall too far behind the 8-ball.
Yeah. Yay. Bought some sleepytime tea though, because i think i'm in for a dry spell shortly.
That'll be fun.
Did amazing apple crostadas at work last week - i'm pretty adept at working that dough, like riding a bike really. Also SG rang again, was gonna go over but both of us were a little too spent...but at least there was contact and communication. Can't say the same for my former coworker, who has avoided texts, and only recently answered the phone to tell me he was working (which I understand, so I hung up quick - I just had no idea he'd be working as we hadn't talked in ages) and then last night, when he called back...well he said it wasn't from home, and unfortunately - if he was in that part of Kent...I couldn't be of any help anyway - and it sounds like he was with someone new anyway, and pictures he posted from the evening appear to indicate he might be working for GMB, which is ironic on so many levels. Sort of like these Slayer Xmas sweaters.

Cest la vie though, you know?

chchchchcanggggeeees...

Looks like I'm going to help my pal, who once upon a time booked our European tour, and who I have since had a wonderful, intertwining friendship with, edit his novel that he completed last month. I'm really stoked - because he's done something complete (like he does, seriously, this guy is amazable in his ability to start and complete projects. He has always been an inspiration in that way...) and is ready to share it, and is mature enough to know it needs another couple of eyes to check it out.
Plus, I love editing. Plus I have time, and it doesn't cost anything to read his stuff (or the 4 other books and journals I have sitting around)...plus it might just kick me in the ass to get to the whole writing for real thing. So im stoked, read the first five chapters last night, and am encouraged. Also, he's currently in Berlin, where I'm hoping to go after London in the Fall of next year.
So, that's a thing.

tableside

It's been a minute since I have been asked to go out to a table - I mean, I've gone a couple times when I've had friends in, but that's different. Last night, it was a 3-top, at 7, one of our (in my opinion) better tables, because it's a booth, with a window, and you can see the kitchen. Anyway, they apparently loved the meal, and new server R (who has been kind of ping-ponging in and out of favor so far - he can be very pushy and high maintenance; but does tend to sell specials and likes to run his own food...when he's not stealing off of other tickets...anyway) pulled me aside to tell me that they were raving about the cheesecake, and wanted to know what kind of liquor was in it, etc. I started giving him the breakdown...and he rolled his eyes and asked if I could please just come out to the table, they would really appreciate it.
I literally haven't done it (that style, occasionally i'll get people in the bar who will compliment it or whatever) that way, since Pangea days. Not gonna lie, my ego needed a bit of a boost, and having a man kiss my hand and his companions shake my hand while showering me with praise was a nice lift. I mean, I worked hard on that cheesecake, it is my signature dessert, and hilariously they were convinced it had triple-sec in it.
(It did not. As Dewie so bluntly said "It's topped with motherfucking tangerines. Of course he thinks there's orange liquor in it.") But it was fun to watch their eyes glow as I described the process and the simple ingredients...I wrapped up as I always have, saying thanks and that I'm glad they enjoyed it - I love what I do, and I hope it shows. They agreed it does.
I do love what I do. The venue is always a challenge, and lately, physically, the achey breaky part of 10 hour shifts on your feet in the blasting heat is certainly wearing on me; not to mention the lack of financial compensation. However, I can't imagine going back to sitting at a computer all day listening to architects, or marketing dorks harrass me about color matching, or fonts being embedded or all the other ridiculous nonsense I used to deal with. Moreover, I am glad I'm not a GM at a mobile artisan food company, trying to juggle crazy personalities and make a business successful in spite of the owner's willful disrespect for humans.
Though, I do miss a good grass-fed beef hot dog, and still dream of a porchetta sandwich that isn't made delicious via the sweat of abused indentured slaves.
Anyway, it was a decent night, one of two this week (and next) that I get to do with just me and Dewie. We always have our Mondays, but yesterday (and next Sunday) we'll be doing two-fors. Having a nightcap at the end of the night with just J at the bar (no more riff-raffy dudes hanging out now) as also good. Me and Dewie talking shop about ovens we've worked with, and J discussing all the change that has happened. Good, calm night. It's about time, I suppose, for things to settle down.

yeah. this.

“I’m just very, very fond of you.”

—	John Green, A Fault In Our Stars

Hilarious, 'cause it's true.

Back in February of this year, when smrge was making so many promises he had no ability to keep, he made a date to go see this movie on opening night, as we had the first two LOTR movies.
Obvs not gonna happen now (like all the rest of the stuff), but I still find myself looking forward to the film....and i will probably go on a nice, quiet Tuesday afternoon, alone.
Which, actually, would be a good thing,because in the vast scheme of things, previously, on this channel, once I start going to movies alone, I become pure awesome.
Just saying.

giving thanks

...

Sometimes you just have to re-post stuff because it's so appropriate that nothing else will do. Pretty much coming full circle after a year that has been filled with some crazy intense feels. Thankful that I am able to continue to love in the face of all the challenges loving presents. Thankful for the opportunities to practice patience and that the moments I did enjoy that were so joyful and amazing; and the ones I haven't enjoyed but ultimately will inform me and offer a chance to learn something new.
It's been an epic year, one filled with events I had never anticipated (thanks smrge, sg, and the stray) and have always expected: back in the city i love, a job I don't despise, and an apartment that reflects part of the dream.
Yeah. It's not perfect, but it's mine.