be cool, 502 goes into effect today...

YOU GET PINCHED, WE NEVER MET. YOU GOT ME? YOU FOUND THIS ON THE STREET.

(animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

also...

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” - Albert Camus

xmas

Not my favorite holiday by any means, and this one isn't shaping up to be much better...but this made me grin, cause it is without a doubt my favorite of all the holiday shows. All hail the Land Of the Misfit Toys and skinny Santa and a reindeer whose nose glows. Yeah. This.

done

i have nothing else to write right now. It's faster than the hiphop, but its feelings are no less real. Poets come in all colors.

More. Later, different; perhaps. Usually.

yes, again.

I love this version of this song. Always, but especially, now.

from time to time...

I drink too much. And I blackout. Sometimes, it's not a big deal - I'm in a place where everyone else is in that mode too, I'm with someone who is watching out for me, or I already have a plan for Home. Or I'm with Charles, and we are cavorting, or I'm at SG's and we are *watching movies*, stuff like that. Sometimes though, I do stuff, in that blackout, that I regret. Sometimes it's physical stuff, "hey look! car made it home, parked in its spot AGAIN"...and sometimes, like today; I piece together phone notices and drunken posts that I left as drafts...I realize I crossed the line (again). I have been very lucky lately, and in all Fairness, have been given a little help (still not sure why, but he's a good dude) - my car has been in the garage all week, and will hopefully stay there for another - so at least that isn't an issue (yay! living downtown!) but, I apparently yelled at someone via phone, who I very deeply still care about, [though hopefully for him it will subside eventually, and I'll leave him alone] ((though:MCWGITW vs. SG...)) for 6 minutes last night, and don't remember any of it, and can, unfortunately, imagine what I might have said. Which is painful. I called tonight, and am either blocked or his battery is fried. I'm guessing (a . And that kind of thing is the sort of activating incident that AA folk call: bottom. Again. Yay, me. It may not take the court to get me into a room this time.
Yeah, that thing. What's weird is this doesn't really happen much, but right now, all stars are aligning to show me that....that it's going to be a dry january at the very least. I have been playing loose and free with the rules, again, and it's falling in on itself (on me).
Time to move forward. Enough grovelling and feeling sorry for myself about smrge. Hey, check it: 28 years old and Fair. We watched the Lakers, had a fireball and a pabst and talked about crustypunx. It just keeps being awesome. Stop whining.
Oh, except shoulder is for all intents and purposes: jacked. Ice. and Jameson..
But, just so we are clear: this band belongs to The Stray the way The Replacements belong to MCDITW, or Wilco belongs to smrge, or DOA to Mike. Sometimes shit just happens like that, it touched a nerve, i needed a touchstone. Now, there's nothing else, it informs so much of what is RIGHT NOW.

;

injured reserve

Home with an crazy painful rotator cuff that's radiating down to my elbow and wrist. Had every intention of going to the storage facility to retrieve cooking stuff and some books/fliers that people have asked for (oh sure, now that i'm not sitting on all of it, suddenly everyone wants a piece. Plus, since my computer has gone belly-up everyone seems to want all my portfolio stuff as well). But a short walk to the drugstore on the corner for coffee filters (and kleenex, etc) and then a walk back home to grab a sandwich at grand central (won't do that again. it's either delicatus or subway, depending on the cashflow) and i was done. the thought of dragging stuff out and into my car and then out and into the elevator, fuck it. I am just gonna have to cough up another $134 and hope i can get shit done next month. which sux, because i'm living really close to the wire again, and it's depressing and stressful, and to be honest, it is the very, very worst part of being alone.
Anyway, working an extra shift tomorrow too, so hopefully i won't fall too far behind the 8-ball.
Yeah. Yay. Bought some sleepytime tea though, because i think i'm in for a dry spell shortly.
That'll be fun.
Did amazing apple crostadas at work last week - i'm pretty adept at working that dough, like riding a bike really. Also SG rang again, was gonna go over but both of us were a little too spent...but at least there was contact and communication. Can't say the same for my former coworker, who has avoided texts, and only recently answered the phone to tell me he was working (which I understand, so I hung up quick - I just had no idea he'd be working as we hadn't talked in ages) and then last night, when he called back...well he said it wasn't from home, and unfortunately - if he was in that part of Kent...I couldn't be of any help anyway - and it sounds like he was with someone new anyway, and pictures he posted from the evening appear to indicate he might be working for GMB, which is ironic on so many levels. Sort of like these Slayer Xmas sweaters.

Cest la vie though, you know?

chchchchcanggggeeees...

Looks like I'm going to help my pal, who once upon a time booked our European tour, and who I have since had a wonderful, intertwining friendship with, edit his novel that he completed last month. I'm really stoked - because he's done something complete (like he does, seriously, this guy is amazable in his ability to start and complete projects. He has always been an inspiration in that way...) and is ready to share it, and is mature enough to know it needs another couple of eyes to check it out.
Plus, I love editing. Plus I have time, and it doesn't cost anything to read his stuff (or the 4 other books and journals I have sitting around)...plus it might just kick me in the ass to get to the whole writing for real thing. So im stoked, read the first five chapters last night, and am encouraged. Also, he's currently in Berlin, where I'm hoping to go after London in the Fall of next year.
So, that's a thing.

tableside

It's been a minute since I have been asked to go out to a table - I mean, I've gone a couple times when I've had friends in, but that's different. Last night, it was a 3-top, at 7, one of our (in my opinion) better tables, because it's a booth, with a window, and you can see the kitchen. Anyway, they apparently loved the meal, and new server R (who has been kind of ping-ponging in and out of favor so far - he can be very pushy and high maintenance; but does tend to sell specials and likes to run his own food...when he's not stealing off of other tickets...anyway) pulled me aside to tell me that they were raving about the cheesecake, and wanted to know what kind of liquor was in it, etc. I started giving him the breakdown...and he rolled his eyes and asked if I could please just come out to the table, they would really appreciate it.
I literally haven't done it (that style, occasionally i'll get people in the bar who will compliment it or whatever) that way, since Pangea days. Not gonna lie, my ego needed a bit of a boost, and having a man kiss my hand and his companions shake my hand while showering me with praise was a nice lift. I mean, I worked hard on that cheesecake, it is my signature dessert, and hilariously they were convinced it had triple-sec in it.
(It did not. As Dewie so bluntly said "It's topped with motherfucking tangerines. Of course he thinks there's orange liquor in it.") But it was fun to watch their eyes glow as I described the process and the simple ingredients...I wrapped up as I always have, saying thanks and that I'm glad they enjoyed it - I love what I do, and I hope it shows. They agreed it does.
I do love what I do. The venue is always a challenge, and lately, physically, the achey breaky part of 10 hour shifts on your feet in the blasting heat is certainly wearing on me; not to mention the lack of financial compensation. However, I can't imagine going back to sitting at a computer all day listening to architects, or marketing dorks harrass me about color matching, or fonts being embedded or all the other ridiculous nonsense I used to deal with. Moreover, I am glad I'm not a GM at a mobile artisan food company, trying to juggle crazy personalities and make a business successful in spite of the owner's willful disrespect for humans.
Though, I do miss a good grass-fed beef hot dog, and still dream of a porchetta sandwich that isn't made delicious via the sweat of abused indentured slaves.
Anyway, it was a decent night, one of two this week (and next) that I get to do with just me and Dewie. We always have our Mondays, but yesterday (and next Sunday) we'll be doing two-fors. Having a nightcap at the end of the night with just J at the bar (no more riff-raffy dudes hanging out now) as also good. Me and Dewie talking shop about ovens we've worked with, and J discussing all the change that has happened. Good, calm night. It's about time, I suppose, for things to settle down.

yeah. this.

“I’m just very, very fond of you.”

—	John Green, A Fault In Our Stars

Hilarious, 'cause it's true.

Back in February of this year, when smrge was making so many promises he had no ability to keep, he made a date to go see this movie on opening night, as we had the first two LOTR movies.
Obvs not gonna happen now (like all the rest of the stuff), but I still find myself looking forward to the film....and i will probably go on a nice, quiet Tuesday afternoon, alone.
Which, actually, would be a good thing,because in the vast scheme of things, previously, on this channel, once I start going to movies alone, I become pure awesome.
Just saying.

giving thanks

...

Sometimes you just have to re-post stuff because it's so appropriate that nothing else will do. Pretty much coming full circle after a year that has been filled with some crazy intense feels. Thankful that I am able to continue to love in the face of all the challenges loving presents. Thankful for the opportunities to practice patience and that the moments I did enjoy that were so joyful and amazing; and the ones I haven't enjoyed but ultimately will inform me and offer a chance to learn something new.
It's been an epic year, one filled with events I had never anticipated (thanks smrge, sg, and the stray) and have always expected: back in the city i love, a job I don't despise, and an apartment that reflects part of the dream.
Yeah. It's not perfect, but it's mine.

unflavored gelatin

I spent a large part of today searching for unflavored gelatin. Certainly, I probably could have saved myself a good 5 miles of walking by just going to work and grabbing some, but nooooo, I was on a mission, and was sure I'd find it. Once again, my cheesecake is special in whole new ways.
I was asked by the youngest brother to bring it for dinner tomorrow. Not just to please bring dessert, but to bring the creme fraiche cheesecake. As per usual, I procrastinated until 2pm today, and then madly wandered downtown looking for gelatin. In the frenzy, I forgot I also needed cinnamon for the graham crackers and that the vanilla bean i thought i had was actually also at work, in my knife bag, with the emergency stash of gelatin that i keep in case i have to make a cf ck on the fly.
I am nothing if not brilliant at shooting myself in the foot. First stop was Target, where I kinda figured I'd find it on the shelf with the jello. Nope. But they did have all the dairy i needed (this is not going to be a high end version...my heathen family has even told me that the fruit "isn't important" wtf?) so at least I got the first round of stuff - thought I might have luck at DeLaurenti's in the market, plus I've been meaning to check out the little burrito window next door to them for a while so I did both. No dice at D's and when I realized I also needed flour I asked the woman at the burrito spot where in the market i might find flour and she shook her head "Right across the street on the corner, you can't miss it" she seemed shocked that I wouldn't know that. As I walked up to the corner, racking my brain to try and remember where there would be an actual drygoods store in that part of Pike Place Market  (also, can I take a minute to vent about a HUGE pet peeve of mine? People who call it Pike's Place Market. Both locals and tourists and friends and family...drives me bonkers. I always assume it must be some sort of schizophrenic throwback to "Pike's Peak" but still, dammit! It is The Pike Place Market. Simples.) and then as I wander inside the building walking by the FLOWER STORE on the Corner, I realize that woman heard flower, not flour, because what jackass in their right mind would be buying baking staples at Pike Place?
Yeah. So no luck there. Stopped at two corner groceries on the way back to my flat, but of course no luck there. At home, took a break to call Mom and brother, and to eat burrito. The burrito was fair at best, and once again, another Mexican place in the Seattle Metro area fails to achieve any sort of victory. Ah well, at least I know not to do it again.
It occurs to me that Uwajimmaya a mile in the other direction might be eclectic enough to have what I need, so off I go to the International District...which is always a delightful flashback. When I worked in that neighborhood, I ate in all the little hole in the walls, and have great memories of nights drinking there with coworker Rory, and also of rampaging drunken binges with Shay where we'd start drinking at 11 in the morning and not stop until the money did. One afternoon, a woman bartender actually fed us Mochi ice cream because she insisted that we had to eat something.
It would be a lie to say I didn't glance in some of the old haunts - and how the hell are so many of them still there when so many of the other places I used to know are long gone? Just wondering if I'd spot the Raven. It's not constructive, I know, but a habit I can't quite kick.
Anyway, get to ground zero of JapanTown and it's mayhem as always in that store, all the jostling and ignoring of personal space; however, it remains one of the most impressive food expos ever. So much fish. All the sushi, sashimi, veg and fruits....and the asian food, frozen, dry, aisles of soy sauce, vinegar, ramen.
However, I was on a mission, and was victorious in finding the flour i needed for the graham crackers, but still no gelatin. But I did find agar-agar powder (!!!) ((because the strands/crystals suck to use)) so I snagged that. And then some sushi, and a beer, and a coke....and some satsumas. and blackberries for the cheesecake (screw my savage family). Fairly happy (I didn't realize i needed cinnamon yet) I set off home, taking a quick detour to look at the bookstore where there were tons of beautiful pens, and manga in english. Yeah. Trundled home, past the dudes hanging at the neighborhood mission and upstairs where I finally put the kitchen aid that charles gifted me with to work. Dessert is done and I'm finishing up now, reducing some Riesling from work to make a syrup to go with it. Tomorrow, up early (for me); supposedly we are eating at 2pm, so hopefully I'll be back home by 6 at the latest, ideally I'll be driving while everyone else is eating.
There is beer and champs in the 'fridge for when i arrive home, hopefully it won't require a xanex to decompress after my first big holiday back with the fam. Well, most of the family, since the other brother is having a last-minute dinner at his house, but we'd already agreed to go over to the youngest's house...argh, cannot wait until xmas.
Sodding holiday nonsense. Wish I could just go to the South of Italy and hide for a while
.In happier news:

We won the North London Derby! Once again, I didn't watch live and we beat them 5-2. Also beat Montepilliar today to make it into the knock out round of CL. Once again, the boys seem to do best when I don't watch live. So happy for Jack though today! Hopefully will subscribe to the channel again after the first of the year, if I can scrape together enough $$ for a new laptop by then. Gonna be a tough go though, for sure.

Smitty sent his holiday greeting this evening - he's always so good about that stuff. Hopefully he'll swing by the restaurant soon...ah, yes, the restaurant, more to write about that soon....

booooo

Lost my favorite hat...thought i'd left it at SG's last night, but apparently no - somehow managed to lose it between there and getting home last night. Yeah. The Shay Hat.
Superbummed to lose that talisman.

shuffle is on

My i-pod is brilliant, as Juno fades into Mother Love Bone. "Life takes you where it wants to..."
Exactly what is needed for a rainy Monday that isn't my Friday, as I'm picking up another day tomorrow in a desperate attempt to reach economic stability (again).
Sigh.
Slow weekend. No fireworks. No Stray. No Movies. No epiphanies. Just work and sleep. Letting the dream evolve. Or something like that. But, what's a post without Dean?

distraction technique

LOOK AT YOU. SO SAD ALL THE TIME. ALWAYS FRETTING. IT BREAKS MY HEART.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? SOME SMILE JUICE. A NICE TALL GLASS OR TWO OF SMILE JUICE. IT’S MADE FROM THE JOYOUS TEARS OF THE HAPPIEST GRAPES IN THE WORLD.

I ALWAYS HAVE A BOTTLE OR TWO OF SMILE JUICE AT LUNCH. IT’S HOW I STAY SO PERKY.

STOP YOUR FRUMPING. COME ON OVER HERE AND HAVE A LITTLE TASTE.

(as always, courtesy animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

You know what makes everything better?

Listening to Juno. Truth.

Oh, I'm sorry, did i not mention why it blew apart? BECAUSE I WRITE A BLOG AND FAILED TO MENTION IT TO A SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Though I did mention it, just didn't make an issue about it.
So for future reference, that's a thing.

I can't help digging people and am really tired of apologizing for it.
I will survive. I always do. See the last 10 years of entries.
Also: "Brooklyn Cocktail" new favorite shift drink. Courtesy trying too hard new bar manager. But I'll take it.

well, that was unfortunate on two counts.

While my personal life just blew apart (again!) at least there isn't a Mormon Overlord this morning, so that's fantastic.

gone, gone, gone.