exhale slowly

I have awesome friends - which really doesn't need embellishment, but for posterity (and to help me through the enevitable grey day that will come along) let's review the week, shall we?
Satuday K2 arrive and dine at the resto. Everyone is in the house, including the stray and it's a great night, topped off by K2, me and Dewie grabbing drinks after at the Nitelight. Very entertaining evening with Ken and Dewey. Plus Ken drank coffee and drove. Pure awesome. the stray bailed and then the next day, whined a bit about not sticking around. Heh. Sunday I worked, Ka went north to visit her nephew, Ke stayed in town with my house keys and roamed the city, caught a movie. I went out after with Dewie and   the stray and XH and it was fun - new Karaoke place and XH and I commiserated about food and played pool. Evening ended a little melodramatically when fangirls of Dewie and the stray  rendition of Public Enemy swooped in, and I gave Dewie a ride home.
Anyway. Monday I worked again with D & the stray and...wait, I seem to have forgotten how that rolled, actually I think I have sunday confused with Monday. At any rate, Tuesday I finally had off, and K2 and I took in the Underground tour which I hadn't done since my family first moved here, then we did lunch at Delicatus (my neighborhood joint is so cool!) and then went to the top of the Smith Tower.
I love that building. I have been so delighted with gazing at it from my window, and it just epitomizes Seattle in so many ways for me, and now, so many more. Goddamn.I can't believe I waited so long to go up. Amazing views, and the woman who works at the top is a lovely human being. I want to bring her lunch! Just really a heartwarming experience. Then we headed north to see Mom, and that of course rolled into Nephews 1 & 2 who had just gotten home from school. #2 even brought up the remote control rat I bought him, so K2 could see it, and he presented the 36 page book he wrote that features first person narrative by a dog. He's frigging 7. I'm so proud! Brother #1 also made an appearance and we all hung around and watched the boys play football and B1 throw for #1 as he teased him. My older brother and I become better friends each and everytime we spend time together. At least some of the progress I was making with my father so long ago seems to be flowing with him. Yay.
Other brother was not free to hang out with, hurt his back, so we didn't visit he & #3.
Headed back to the City after making a quick stop for groceries. Came back to flat,  had great soup, beer and chat.
Wednsday was the big one: me, K2, Charles, and the stray  headed out to the 'burbs to scoop him up, headed to Woodinville for whiskey tasting at a distillery - while on the freeway halfway to destination, I notice my gas gauge has dropped completely and no light is on. We pull off at next exit for gas, open hood to check oil and find broken belt. Alternator. Luckily (!!) they call for the part and can fix it within the half hour, so in the interim, we all bond, Ke buys lotto tickets for us all to scratch, Charles cleans windows and fills air in tires while mechanic fixes belt.
Back on the road with yet another wacky story, we arrive at destination. Drink whiskey, and vodka. Smile a lot. the stray  clearly delighted and dazzled, Charles is stoked as well, and K2 are, as always lovely. They make some purchases for their Fresno contingent. Ka is designated driver and suggests winery tour and we all agree. Off to Chatau St Michelle (!!) and we do a tasting and then a tour with a tasting. The Stray and Charles are both virgins to wine tours and so it was especially fun. Really beautiful day for it, as well.
Then home, via the usual hellish traffic, and off to the pet store for a meet & greet with Charles' guy and the Kittens! Ka & Chaz talk renovation stuff, the stray  admires the kittens and catnip, Ken hovers and I just lean and grin like crazy. So happy everyone is getting along.
We all head to the New Orleans to have dinner, then to the Central for beers, where we run into D (Chas' D) and his uncle, bro and cousin, so we grab a table and hang out. Later K2 are spent and head home,  and the stray nd I chill a bit longer with Charles, some emo happens, stray bails and I spend some quality time with D's brother Jared (!) who is as cute as D is not. Funny. later as things wind down, Charles walks me home, and we make plans for an Ikea run Thursday.
Thursday, K2 want to check out the sci-fi display at EMP, so off we go. Good stuff, but it's the installation about the history of the biker jacket and the horror movie stuff that really gets my attention. A jacket adorned with Keith Haring designs (oddly now, can't recall if it was painted or printed, but it was part of the "street fashion meets high fashion" portion of the display) prompted a small emo moment and I sent smrge a photo, because when it comes to Haring, there's no one I know who feels the same about that artist as I do except him, all shit aside, I choose to focus on the best parts of that relationship. Anyway. Was nice to receive a response in the affirmative next day as well. Just can't have negative chi floating around, so that was good. Also sent snap of Deadmau5 swag in giftshop to, the stray as it's one of the many things he has introduced me to, and to see it amongst all the Nirvana and Rolling Stones stuff  kinda made me a little giddy.
After EMP, a stroll by the Chihuly garden, then to the 5 Point for late bite. We rendevous with Charles at petstore and then head off to Ikea adventure. 3 hours later, chair, kitchen station and huge art piece of seattle skyline for my hallway across from bedroom and a lamp in tow, we stop at crazy asian market for beer and noshes (I get some amazing blue crab and pan fry it) and head to flat for beer-fueled assembly party.
Another fantastic day.
Friday found me back to work, and K2 came in late for final visit. Few late drinks, MDR was much nicer, they met crazy Colin, tipped Nat for the night before, met XH when he came to collect the stray, and then we headed out. Got last minute text from the stray wanting us to join them at Shorty's but K2 were done, so I had to say no. Pained me to do so, but, sometimes you gotta.
Their plane left yesterday, but we grabbed a quick bite at the pub across the way and I went to work. Came home early last night (meaning I did not go anywhere else after shift beer) and slept like a rock. So good.
Today, back to work, and we pick up the story where we left - and waiting for SG to swoop back in as well.

Yeah, the saga continues.

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HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FLOWERS? THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM! AND THEY’RE BEUTERFUL. BOOTIFALL? THEY’RE REALLY PRETTY.

I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, YOU BELLIGERENT DRUNK SHITHEAD, IF YOU DO NOT TURN AROUND AND AT LEAST TRY TO HELP ME GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL.

YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. I LOVE FLOWERS AND TEQUILA AND THE WAY YOUR BACK SMELLS.

I’M GOING TO BURY YOU, AND THEN YOU CAN BECOME FLOWERS.

I WOULD BE PRETTY YELLOW ONES.

… I HATE SO MUCH YOU RIGHT NOW.

*there is much to write about but not a lot of time, will continue with life play-by-play as soon as houseguests have left the house (tomorrow).

Old friends, new traditions...

October weather report

K2 will be here on the weekend. I need to get rid of this bronchitis, find another chair for people to sit in, lay in some food/coffee, oh, and grow the hell up.

alert

Phone rang this morning as well...how did I let this unicorn get so far into my head? Amazables.

Verse, chorus, verse...

I reached out and was clever about getting his new digits, and he responded. Called me several times on his own tonight...when i admitted how i got his number (after realizing he might not have had anyone's info, nor as i had worried all week, did anyone else have his) and sorry if it seemed stalker-y he said "nah, i like that". So, yeah. Might see him tomorrow night, though texts about yet another "break in" and him wanting MDR's number...little worried about all this cloak & dagger shit. But at any rate it was good to hear his voice. Also trying to not to think about SG's blossoming fb relationship...because we all know i cant seem to make that venue for me. And they always seem to find true love there. Argh. Need sleep.

unacceptable dismissal

of my stray, from work today. really fucking angry and sad and an overwhelming feeling of loss that is the real deal, as opposed to the crazy-headtripping stuff i have been indulging in all week.
booooooooooooooooo.

Wrong again Mongo...

Previous post attempts while drunk and via phone would only serve as an example, so they were eliminated. Anyway, SG did swoop in, just running a little late. Got the text at the end of last night, just as I was closing. Went over...and watched Roadhouse, drank Maker's (several empty soldiers at his feet, he and i are alike in so many ways) and had more of the crazy good action - he also was very sweet and let me know he was taking a road trip to see a girl he's known for a while and he might sleep with her, but it would be just that. Yeah. I get it. I mean, like with The Stray, I can't be upset, because a) it's not supposed to be a relationship and b) I have also had extracurricular activities...so, yeah.
A little terrified by the discovery that he's so into Patrick Swayze (how exactly am I going to get out forced viewing of Red Dawn? Oh yeah, my superpower distraction technique :)
Yeah. Ok, one more day and then I'm off tomorrow, which means I'm staying in bed all day. I'm hung over and feeling a bit sick....gonna be a long night. Argh.

In the midst of six in a row...

Don't get me wrong, I'm still totally in love with my city, and my situation is not dire; but am struggling this last week or so emotionally...so...even Norway looks nice right now.
Flashback-inducing photo that reminds me of the windy trip to Oslo from Bergen 20 years ago. Seriously, it was 20 years ago this month. Argh.

argh.

Foul mood all night, Thursdays are the worst. Sure, I do it to myself; I go all ballistic over shit I have no control over (other than my own willingness to be an idiot) - I need to figure out a way to pull myself out of this tailspin. I just have been really lucky in the last couple of weeks, having SG swoop in at just the appropriate time to keep me from feeling like...like this. Anyway. Got kudos for the radish tweak to the baby lettuces, and am trying to give Sous Matt the support he needs in creating the kale & squash salad that we think will replace the caprese when the heirlooms finally bite the dust. I think I've got a dumbed-down version of the dino-kale ready to go, using his apple cidar vin dressing. Also: made the stupid italian stracciatello gelato that everyone is all hot over. yawn.
anyway, need to go mainline some sad bluesy shit...but this is it, this is the song that says what is in my head right now, by the man who seems to know just how to...say what this moment feels like right now, with 'zac-less thoughts racing with the demons who hold court in my head already..
attachment is my war.

Vito is all about business...

in a half-assed attempt to be less like Ivar and more like Vito, I have started making purveyor calls - just to produce and bakery, but still. Menu changes are in order, and I've been putting it off for far too long and need to do the appropriate research and trials. Must channel CG. Must get back in the game. Must not let myself be distracted so much.

That said, hanging out after last night with Dewey playing pinball and talking hardcore was good (almost) clean fun. As it should be.

huh

UK and Malaysia? odd. But ok. So, here's the thing, The Stray, who was indeed working tonight, (which was uneXpected) asked me to go in on stuff that i generally don't go in on, especially in this town, but it was his birthday, so what the hell, even though he and his housemate took off, i still played pinball with Dewey tonight, and it was awesome. So much talk about hardcore and punk rock and just easy stuff. I love this place so goddamn much. So, yeah, that. For the history book, or paper trail, or whatever happens after this: I made an amazing palate cleansing sorbet tonight, cucumber-lime-mint; and everyone was all aflutter, and  The Stray, after tasting said "can I keep you" and I said, on reflex, because it would be nice if he did: "Yes. yes you can" and there was silence after, of course. A quick hug and kiss goodbye tonight, but still. A unicorn, a comet. Like Charles says...you just don't know what you are doing to make this happen, but you enjoy it as much as you can, cause you know it will not last forever.
Let it go. I will . But damn, that was fun.

If you don't learn from your past...

One of my most lucid posts happened this year on January 23rd. Rereading it today is ultimately why I do this, this writing thing. Sometimes I make sense. Sometimes, documentation is helpful. Sometimes it's just killing time, and often it's simply a confessional, which keeps the guilt that destroys my psyche at bay.
From that entry:
"I would be remiss if I didn't note the stark parallels in my own personal narrative right now. My willingness to bring my ex-husband back into my life is based in the simple fact that I loved him dearly when I met him, though I wasn't completely able to functionally do it, because, simply put, I wasn't too crazy about myself. Sure, in the abstract, I'm suitably enamored of my personae, my ability to take on challenges and survive. Blah, blah, blah. But, that sort of ends up making you a bit of a lab rat, waiting for the next mystery dose to see what the effects are. Doses administered by others."

Last night.

Post-getting my ass kicked at work on an insanely busy friday that had me going until past midnight, constantly...i find myself curling up with Radiohead, missing my stray something fierce.

one more chorus...

So many feels right now, and kind of trying to sort them...another few days of adventure, danger, romance and lust. Couple of after-work nights with  The Stray and Dewey, the second of which saw  The Stray and I returning to the scene of our previous antics, and me getting worked hard on the dining room floor of the restaurant. Am sooo frigging sore, all over. Probably stepped over the line last night by going in on our night off and him being so drunk. He's there now, working, and is without a phone...anyway. Lots of emo last night too, but good action, good after, and the cuddling to radiohead melts me. dammit. i seriously don't know where this train is going, but he also was a little squirrelly asking how many blogs i'd written about him, etc. It's there if he wants to read it, and it's nothing i haven't really already said to him. It's just all about context and references, but ultimately I write for myself.
oh, and tuesday he slept through C and I painting the apartment. Best moment, C turning to me and saying "Just out of curiosity, how long does he sleep for" (this at about 4pm) and I told him "I honestly don't know, I usually roust him at 2, but today is sort of an experiment."
He got up at about 5 when C was almost done and had bought beer...just for the record.  The Stray is without mobile communication tool, so i hope he found a way home tonight - . Or, he'll find a place to crash via Hula. But the first seems most obvious...unless he finds his housemate...(or mom?) dunno. I should defo not be thinking about this tho...

walk it off...

...yeah, so, me having feelings is a real pain. Let loose some emo last night that i shouldn't have, successfully destroying what was left of that thing we were doing....I can be a real jerk. Feel like I can't even apologize because that just makes it more of an issue. I knew I shouldn't get attached to it, that it was a comet, something that only happens once in a while and doesn't last long...but I let myself feel anyway, and all it does is end up feeling empty, hurt, and ultimately me completely incapable of having normal human interactions.

Affirmation: The past is beautiful. And mostly a lie.

speaking to soon jinxes it

because it is, ultimately. 

but it appears that it's all done for real now. back to our previously scheduled grown-up life.

look, everything changes

Affirmation: It’s okay to take something to sleep. You look like 
hell you could use some sleep.

got the paint swatches and everything...

Affirmation: You can do this. Whatever this is looking like today.

i'll sleep when i'm dead

WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE, MAN. JUST HOP IN THE CAR AND GO, YOU KNOW? NO FORWARDING ADDRESS, NO ROAD ATLAS, NO LOOKING BACK. LET’S JUST HIT THE OPEN HIGHWAY, THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND, SIEZE THE MOMENT. 

OR WE COULD GET SOME TATTOOS, YEAH? LET’S JUST GET ALL INKED UP AND START CARRYING KNIVES. LET’S LIVE OUTSIDE THE LAW. WE CAN CARVE A TRAIL OF BLOOD AND FIRE ACROSS THE AMERICAN WEST. DIE SOMEWHERE IN THE BADLANDS, CUT DOWN IN A HAIL OF BULLETS.

OR CROSSFIT! WE COULD JOIN CROSSFIT GYM. THEY JUST OPENED ONE NEAR THE PANERA BREAD ON 6TH. HIGH INTENSITY INTERVAL TRAINING. KILLER CARDIO. FINALLY SHED THOSE EXTRA POUNDS.

OR, UH …

OKAY, LOOK, I’VE BEEN ABUSING METH PRETTY REGULARLY FOR A VERY LONG TIME, SO IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BETTER IF YOU DECIDE WHAT WE’RE DOING TONIGHT. HONESTLY, I DON’T CARE. I’M DOWN FOR WHATEVER.