never assume....

son, i have t-shirts older than you are...

This was pretty much my theme song for the whole X-capade, (but could be appropriate for vast swaths of my existance as well) which certainly seems to have come to an end...still, i learned some new stuff, did some new stuff, so it's cool....my heart can't do day after day like that, but it was a fun go there for a bit; memories of Shay-style excess, but without all the seamy details. He even drug me to karoke, which was actually kind of interesting (and he's really frigging good at it), and then just some fun running around.Not to mention, the action was literally the best since....Chris maybe? and that initial part where we were cuddling and stuff, that was really nice to have happen naturally....yeah.

wow.

...After hanging out with my pal Charles, totally cool with the break from The Stray  for these couple of days off. I assisted Charles with the adoption of two shop kitties today, and totally because I just decided to head over to the store and see if he wanted to have a beer or something, and then I found out they were waiting to find out if they were gonna get these kittens, and they did, and the rescue place ended up being literally 3 blocks from where smrge and i used to live in ravenna. amazables. then we went back, played with the kittens, and then went to the Central for beers and burgers. Such. A good day. and after a solid week of fucked up ness, it was soooo welcome.

Back to work...

"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned." - William Somerset Maugham


...been an interesting week.

4th and ten to go...

Yikes. Three turned into day four, and as Rob and I were unable to meet up before his flight out due to traffic and forest fires and a car rental agency snafu, i went back to sleep.  The Stray and I arose late in the afternoon on a mission to find speakers for my shit computer (as he'd been screening rap battles the last couple evenings and some of the vids sound are crap, and my laptop speakers are toast too) he suggested a pawn shop on Pike on the Hill, and so off we went.I hadn't been in a pawn shop in a while, and certainly not one in hipster central...so after i spent $15 bux on some portable speakers, i couldn't help but troll the guitars. X was outside (it's totally not his gig) having a smoke, and i looked around, found a well-worn SG (gonna guess early '90s maybe) for $845. But I didn't even hesitate to take it off the rack and play it. I looked at a couple of basses, looked at some Fenders (just for kicks) and then left, full of malaise and longing.
That, however was crushed by a suggestion to hit Beth's for food (our first of the day) - so we cruised out to 99, and ate omlettes in the emptiest Beth's I've ever been in. Our server was groovy though, and we had some fun, even got the crayons to do a couple drawings. i did my usual smiley drunk punk face, elaborated a bit in style and captioned it "So. Many. Eggs"
He did a cool little hip-hop skull thing, that I dug so much i shoved it in my bag, which seemed to wig him out. It's hard cause my apartment is so empty he can't see how much stuff I accumulate in terms of personal keepstakes.
It's in a weird spot right at the moment, he and I. Me, because there are aspects to what is going on that I recognize and are a wasteful. I am walking a thin line between Shayesque excess, and some sort of weird understanding that even though the action is great - it's already changed, and I may have been too honest too soon, but it's strange. For him, it's surely a case of digging me intellectually, and in a physically compatible way, but not in an "in love" way. And again, as I have come to accept, it is because of how I look. And understandably, this kid can rock any hottie he wants. It would be full-on Harold and Maude (or worse, Graham and Sharon-type) shit otherwise, right?
Dunno. More for the hardcopy journal, and maybe that other spot I write sometimes.
Anyway, the bite at Beth's was good, and another successful run to an old spot to purge ghosts (that's why I like Supernatural so much, is because my life in the last months has been pure demon slaying and ghost encounters). Then we cut over to Ravenna, to pick up coffee beans and, of course, beer. He wasn't gonna stay, in fact, he really needed to hit the road, but came back again anyway. We drank, set up the speakers, watched more of his, and then he finally asked to see some Doctor Who, and so we watched the first couple of episodes until his roommate called as he was getting off work to give him a ride back to the boondocks.Oh, I also did his laundry. Cause i'm like that.
Anyway, it's all a bit weird, and still silence from SG, so I suppose the worst case scenario has in fact unfolded, but, I just can't worry about it much anymore. I'm so unsure how to feel in this situation - so amazingly scared to act on my instincts, unless all my barriers are down via chemicals, which isn't making stuff better, ultimately. Anyway, back to work tomorrow finally.
Oh, and got the job offer from GMB at new place with benefits, 401k, and a raise of a buck and a half, but i'm just not into fucking changing jobs again, starting over again. being in a closed kitchen, again. So, i'm gonna piss him off and say no. But I just want the crazy autonomy of what i've got now, cause i think i can grow it once i get a routine down. Routine. And what would help that? yeah, not partying until 6am with the busboy.
Crap.

what goes around...

“Now so many stories never get told. Why? Because people are scared to tell them. It’s one thing to show off faded Slayer tattoos and pass around photos of yourself in a different stage of life, wearing an Army uniform or wedding dress. But if your old stories and pictures are punk, everyone runs the other way. “Oh no,” they say. “Not another jaded blowhard talking about the good old days.” It’s sad because for some of us it’s impossible to talk about our personal history without talking about the past, and punk.”

—	Aaron Cometbus, from Cometbus #45

third time is a....

X3  last night, up this morning with one of my favorite activities (and his too, of course); then multiple cups of coffee, amazing conversation on the couch and sharing of Macklemore (me) and Tech N9ne (him) vids  and other musics, deep thoughts about religion, world environmental situations and the plight of the poor, so much resigned passion in him, it's pretty incredible, and in such an interesting package....anyway, then grabbed lunch across the street at the little cheesesteak spot (his suggestion), and then I walked him to work (we strolled via Alaskan, by the waterfront, ducking into alleys and cutting through the market, laughing the whole way, keeping on western all the way to belltown from Pike Place Market, to the corner of Wall where I got a quick hug and kiss bye). It was fun though, and so weird - to have some one impulsively grab your hand when you go to  jaywalk together, those little things you think only happen in movies - I'm so shocked and jerky about it, I really am more damaged emotionally (and thus physically) than I thought. Dean though, is correct.

my life as tetris

Or something like that. So after meeting up with Rob,  The Stray comes calling that evening after work, and he came over and we drank the expensive champagne that he brought, got a bit more beer, watched some wacky YouTube stuff ("You know who Childish Gambino is? WHAT?") and then....did....not...sleep.
Yikes. I let him stay over, and even left him the key to lock himself out - and having his caress in the morning, just even lying in his arms, fully knowing the parameters that exist, and listening to him tell me all the things i (and he, clearly) know I want to hear was, admittedly, a bit mind-blowing. If only because I have been traumatized by emotionally and physically frigid guys, and this kid (much like Rob, actually, sexually active waaaaay early) is insatiable. Which is what I thought I was. Really amazing though to wake up with him next to me. Wish that could be the case all the time, but I'm beginning to really embrace that I'm not the one they ever choose over others. I am a raft. I help people get from place to place. And, in turn, they help me experience life. And relieve stress, sometimes.
Heh. At any rate, he didn't come over tonight, and that's probably good, because trying to sleep with an amazing man in your bed is difficult. Well, it is for me, anyway. Just happy he digs cuddling as much as the other stuff :).
We worked together that evening, and I thought it went well, though I was a little spiky (not to him, to Headserverzel) and while there were subtle caresses early in the night, towards the end of the shift, as he made plans to go play with his friends, it passed. He was working really hard to get in ChefMatt's good graces last night as well, and he seemed to do a damn good job.
Yeah. And apparently that WAS the second time we *danced*. At least I remember this one.
Yeah. we'll see what happens next, cause I literally don't know; and also, these "russian" page hits are kind of freaking me out.I feel like they can't really be from there. Damn you, internets!
Yeah.

drummer de jour

Ah, Rob. One of the all time best hits in the history of Drummers I Have Played With (DIHPW) and had a great evening catching up with him tonight.Really, really good. So many laughs. Such good beer. So good to know people and have this immediate connection. Yeah, I'm a bit giddy, in the best and not unsavory way. really, really good to see my old pal, the kid who was able to make me feel better about myself when NO ONE ELSE COULD.
He's off to a week at Hops School in Yakima, but if I'm lucky we'll be able to meet up again before he heads out - I'd love for him to grab dinner at the restaurant on Thursday. I really know some awesome people, so very thankful they are in the majority.
(this photo from our US tour in '92)
#goodlifeinaday

to be clear

...

...and, again. Got some better intel from the missing evening with The Stray, and while digital documentation (photos! damn these kids! this is why i'm glad there weren't cell phones back when i was...when i was) exists, and some stats remain foggy, it does appear it was fun. Might even meet up with him tomorrow, but first: Rob is coming to town tomorrow!!! So stoked, one of my _favorite_ drummers (yep, that means exactly what one would expect it would mean....him, Rodney, Chris...all special). Billy, almost special (sorta-special?) Rob Smith, turbo amazing, but never actually special. Eric TD appears to be the coolest of all of them...except Mr. Flame, but he's in a class of his own. And Jules, well, she'd probably be special if i went that way. But I don't. Anyway, more fun and adventure. Also, tonight, owner Michael, really pulling out the stops, and The Stray being as sweet as they come. I'm pretty sure M was herding me because he saw The Stray and I talking, but again, I just seem to gravitate to the emo 20-something guys. Or they gravitate to me? And this one? Spectacular. I mention this because i barely mentioned it when it happened in Fresno, so....uh, savor this because it's real, and it's who you are. Who I am. No game, Interlull this weekend, but that's good. The Stray wants to come watch movies too. And the comment that made him get all bashful? When we met in the pass early in the evening tonight and we bobbed and weaved, and I said my usual "Let's dance" and he goes "let's do it" and I say "again" and he totally gets goofy. To the point of mentioning it while we were having beers.
Ok. Enough. But still, helps curb the throbbing pain in the side of my head that stems from an amazingly torn apart heart. No amount of booze or whatever is gonna help this mess. Trust anyone, ever again? Unlikely.

Face this onward now.

admittedly, the sunglasses indoors are unfortunate. but, we all make mistakes, and have been that hungover, right?

...

destructing myths

Starts in my head, apparently. Have let the Tasmanian Devil loose a lot in the last weeks...and the problem always remains, compounded by the most universal of all: where is my car? Yes, my life sometimes resembles an Ashton Kutchner movie in that now that there are separate storage facilities for me and my car, I have, more than once now, awoke not remembering parking my trusty punk rock soccer mom car for the night. Especially disconcerting because of the whole entry/exit process is kind of extensive.So far though, i keep finding it right where it's supposed to be...but those odds get longer each time it happens.
Kids, this isn't any way to live your life. I mention it here to remind myself to get a grip: if you do not learn from your history YOU ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT. Doomed being the operative term.

Truth. Plus, if you drink and black out, you can't remember what you said or did to engage radio silence from your movie buddy, or any of the seemingly amazing details of bringing our favorite busguy (X) home with you and a bottle of champagne. Yeah, good work brain, good work just flipping the "off" switch, way earlier than ever before. Perhaps it's because I have fewer brain cells left? And, the aftermath - literally my brain felt like it was swollen and even breathing hurt all day yesterday. Piecing together the events of the night before? That's the business of 20-somethings, shouldn't be mine. However, even when SG and I have movie nights, we tend to let the 20something parts of our ids take over too - and...well, I may have fucked that up for real this time. But, as my brother keeps patiently intoning: you are not to be in a relationship anyway. Rebuilding. Again. Being emo about someone only leads to trouble, it seems. So obviously I went for the next *best* thing, the sweet, handsome, lovely baritone-voiced guy I work with who is certainly young enough to be my son. De ja vue, indeed.
Additionally, nipped a bit of my thumb off at work, and then promptly grabbed a hot pan with my other hand. Genius award grant money should be pouring in any minute now....rough transition at work, ton of expectation on the horizon, which is fine and good, but my inability to focus currently is an issue. Raspberry scones on the fly :)
Need to get back into that mode, enough dinking around playing rockstar.

“When you acknowledge that there is nothing repulsive or unforgivable or shameful about yourself, it becomes easier to be that authentic person and feel like you’re living a less performed life.”

—	John Green

friends with benefits

HEY PAUL. HOW’S IT HANGING?

PRETTY GOOD, PETE. YOURSELF?

NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, OLD BUDDY. I’M ABOUT ONE MORE 60 HOUR WEEK FROM NIBBLING ON A SHOTGUN, AND I WANT TO GET DRUNK ABOUT IT.

WELL, I’VE GOT OVER 60 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BOURBON BACK HERE, PETE. YOU’RE WELCOME TO TRY THEM ALL. I HAVE YET TO MEET A PROBLEM WHISKEY CAN’T SOLVE.

YOUR EX-WIFE AGREE WITH THAT OUTLOOK?

YOU MEAN MY EX-PROBLEM, THAT’S NOW SOLVED?

YOU’RE A GOOD BARTENDER, PAUL. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT POURING DRINKS. THERE’S A PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECT, PLUS A GOOD DEGREE OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH A COUPLE OUNCES OF BASIL HAYDEN’S?

SEE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

(it should go without saying this is reposted from animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

pound of life

...yeah, Adam strikes again (which is funny, cuz of the Strike Anywhere connection, right?), emo right when and how I need it. Yay. Battling with not being sick today - but got out in the sun, ran errands, bought the hot black elixir of life beans (from Fonte this time 'round, since I have a meeting with their GM on Monday, I thought I'd stop in and take a look, and check their wares), kept car safely locked up, and am just honestly enjoying the play of light on the Smith Tower. It's a really beautiful building, with all the details, watching the sun move across it (and the other buildings in my window) is a bit wonderful, and has even got me reconsidering drawing. Also, chucked more stuff. Met my neighbor (to the right of my door) who has the same name as me, it turns out.
Tomorrow's match is a 5:30am affair, so I won't be at the pub...but will certainly listen/liveblog it, cause it should be a good one, and I haven't figured out a cable option that doesn't require me committing to an insane sports-channel-add-on-fee yet.
Not going to Bumbershoot this year - just really not that interesting a line-up for me, and it seems like fewer venues. Dunno. SG is working his usual stage - a bit over a decade ago, I remember seeing him at 11am on a Sunday at the Flag Pavillion; during a 'shoot, classic stuff. Also, that was the same year I stumbled into Juno and had my life changed, the very same venue. Horrible long plasterwalled box, but always a lucky place to see bands for me at that festival.
Damn I miss those bands so frigging much.

 I know it's getting time to get out and see more music again, now that it's within easy reach - gonna wade in slowly though: Bob Mould and the Old 97's....and then go from there.

SEVEN!

"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." ~Andre Gide

day 6 of 7 at work

today is day 4 of 7 in a row...

...but boy the overtime on the check will be delightful...

Also

Yesterday, during a run to storage and such, I managed to finally dig my iPod out from the frame of the seat of my car, yay! It's like a totally new thing! Can delete music off my phone now.
as of today:
Among other things. Because if the kid believes what her dad is saying is the truth, than it is the truth. and i need to let shit go. again. but, whatever. i tried. i tried every way i know, every way i could think of, and it wasn't enough, AGAIN. He can say that it isn't about me, but clearly, IT IS. In a month you changed life paths with someone you barely know. And threw me aside like a fucking kleenex. The one who fucking broke her spirit trying to make things right with your kid, with you, with the world she knew. And, apparently, World: THAT MEANS NOTHING.
Note to self:: it means nothing. Wait for people to cater to you, apparently, is the message here.
Total bullshit, but i will not be held hostage by social media, and watching people live some sort of crazy online lives. And posting senseless memes. I have brits to watch, winchesters to devour, so whatever.