my life as tetris

Or something like that. So after meeting up with Rob,  The Stray comes calling that evening after work, and he came over and we drank the expensive champagne that he brought, got a bit more beer, watched some wacky YouTube stuff ("You know who Childish Gambino is? WHAT?") and then....did....not...sleep.
Yikes. I let him stay over, and even left him the key to lock himself out - and having his caress in the morning, just even lying in his arms, fully knowing the parameters that exist, and listening to him tell me all the things i (and he, clearly) know I want to hear was, admittedly, a bit mind-blowing. If only because I have been traumatized by emotionally and physically frigid guys, and this kid (much like Rob, actually, sexually active waaaaay early) is insatiable. Which is what I thought I was. Really amazing though to wake up with him next to me. Wish that could be the case all the time, but I'm beginning to really embrace that I'm not the one they ever choose over others. I am a raft. I help people get from place to place. And, in turn, they help me experience life. And relieve stress, sometimes.
Heh. At any rate, he didn't come over tonight, and that's probably good, because trying to sleep with an amazing man in your bed is difficult. Well, it is for me, anyway. Just happy he digs cuddling as much as the other stuff :).
We worked together that evening, and I thought it went well, though I was a little spiky (not to him, to Headserverzel) and while there were subtle caresses early in the night, towards the end of the shift, as he made plans to go play with his friends, it passed. He was working really hard to get in ChefMatt's good graces last night as well, and he seemed to do a damn good job.
Yeah. And apparently that WAS the second time we *danced*. At least I remember this one.
Yeah. we'll see what happens next, cause I literally don't know; and also, these "russian" page hits are kind of freaking me out.I feel like they can't really be from there. Damn you, internets!
Yeah.

drummer de jour

Ah, Rob. One of the all time best hits in the history of Drummers I Have Played With (DIHPW) and had a great evening catching up with him tonight.Really, really good. So many laughs. Such good beer. So good to know people and have this immediate connection. Yeah, I'm a bit giddy, in the best and not unsavory way. really, really good to see my old pal, the kid who was able to make me feel better about myself when NO ONE ELSE COULD.
He's off to a week at Hops School in Yakima, but if I'm lucky we'll be able to meet up again before he heads out - I'd love for him to grab dinner at the restaurant on Thursday. I really know some awesome people, so very thankful they are in the majority.
(this photo from our US tour in '92)
#goodlifeinaday

to be clear

...

...and, again. Got some better intel from the missing evening with The Stray, and while digital documentation (photos! damn these kids! this is why i'm glad there weren't cell phones back when i was...when i was) exists, and some stats remain foggy, it does appear it was fun. Might even meet up with him tomorrow, but first: Rob is coming to town tomorrow!!! So stoked, one of my _favorite_ drummers (yep, that means exactly what one would expect it would mean....him, Rodney, Chris...all special). Billy, almost special (sorta-special?) Rob Smith, turbo amazing, but never actually special. Eric TD appears to be the coolest of all of them...except Mr. Flame, but he's in a class of his own. And Jules, well, she'd probably be special if i went that way. But I don't. Anyway, more fun and adventure. Also, tonight, owner Michael, really pulling out the stops, and The Stray being as sweet as they come. I'm pretty sure M was herding me because he saw The Stray and I talking, but again, I just seem to gravitate to the emo 20-something guys. Or they gravitate to me? And this one? Spectacular. I mention this because i barely mentioned it when it happened in Fresno, so....uh, savor this because it's real, and it's who you are. Who I am. No game, Interlull this weekend, but that's good. The Stray wants to come watch movies too. And the comment that made him get all bashful? When we met in the pass early in the evening tonight and we bobbed and weaved, and I said my usual "Let's dance" and he goes "let's do it" and I say "again" and he totally gets goofy. To the point of mentioning it while we were having beers.
Ok. Enough. But still, helps curb the throbbing pain in the side of my head that stems from an amazingly torn apart heart. No amount of booze or whatever is gonna help this mess. Trust anyone, ever again? Unlikely.

Face this onward now.

admittedly, the sunglasses indoors are unfortunate. but, we all make mistakes, and have been that hungover, right?

...

destructing myths

Starts in my head, apparently. Have let the Tasmanian Devil loose a lot in the last weeks...and the problem always remains, compounded by the most universal of all: where is my car? Yes, my life sometimes resembles an Ashton Kutchner movie in that now that there are separate storage facilities for me and my car, I have, more than once now, awoke not remembering parking my trusty punk rock soccer mom car for the night. Especially disconcerting because of the whole entry/exit process is kind of extensive.So far though, i keep finding it right where it's supposed to be...but those odds get longer each time it happens.
Kids, this isn't any way to live your life. I mention it here to remind myself to get a grip: if you do not learn from your history YOU ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT. Doomed being the operative term.

Truth. Plus, if you drink and black out, you can't remember what you said or did to engage radio silence from your movie buddy, or any of the seemingly amazing details of bringing our favorite busguy (X) home with you and a bottle of champagne. Yeah, good work brain, good work just flipping the "off" switch, way earlier than ever before. Perhaps it's because I have fewer brain cells left? And, the aftermath - literally my brain felt like it was swollen and even breathing hurt all day yesterday. Piecing together the events of the night before? That's the business of 20-somethings, shouldn't be mine. However, even when SG and I have movie nights, we tend to let the 20something parts of our ids take over too - and...well, I may have fucked that up for real this time. But, as my brother keeps patiently intoning: you are not to be in a relationship anyway. Rebuilding. Again. Being emo about someone only leads to trouble, it seems. So obviously I went for the next *best* thing, the sweet, handsome, lovely baritone-voiced guy I work with who is certainly young enough to be my son. De ja vue, indeed.
Additionally, nipped a bit of my thumb off at work, and then promptly grabbed a hot pan with my other hand. Genius award grant money should be pouring in any minute now....rough transition at work, ton of expectation on the horizon, which is fine and good, but my inability to focus currently is an issue. Raspberry scones on the fly :)
Need to get back into that mode, enough dinking around playing rockstar.

“When you acknowledge that there is nothing repulsive or unforgivable or shameful about yourself, it becomes easier to be that authentic person and feel like you’re living a less performed life.”

—	John Green

friends with benefits

HEY PAUL. HOW’S IT HANGING?

PRETTY GOOD, PETE. YOURSELF?

NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, OLD BUDDY. I’M ABOUT ONE MORE 60 HOUR WEEK FROM NIBBLING ON A SHOTGUN, AND I WANT TO GET DRUNK ABOUT IT.

WELL, I’VE GOT OVER 60 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BOURBON BACK HERE, PETE. YOU’RE WELCOME TO TRY THEM ALL. I HAVE YET TO MEET A PROBLEM WHISKEY CAN’T SOLVE.

YOUR EX-WIFE AGREE WITH THAT OUTLOOK?

YOU MEAN MY EX-PROBLEM, THAT’S NOW SOLVED?

YOU’RE A GOOD BARTENDER, PAUL. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT POURING DRINKS. THERE’S A PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECT, PLUS A GOOD DEGREE OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH A COUPLE OUNCES OF BASIL HAYDEN’S?

SEE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

(it should go without saying this is reposted from animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

pound of life

...yeah, Adam strikes again (which is funny, cuz of the Strike Anywhere connection, right?), emo right when and how I need it. Yay. Battling with not being sick today - but got out in the sun, ran errands, bought the hot black elixir of life beans (from Fonte this time 'round, since I have a meeting with their GM on Monday, I thought I'd stop in and take a look, and check their wares), kept car safely locked up, and am just honestly enjoying the play of light on the Smith Tower. It's a really beautiful building, with all the details, watching the sun move across it (and the other buildings in my window) is a bit wonderful, and has even got me reconsidering drawing. Also, chucked more stuff. Met my neighbor (to the right of my door) who has the same name as me, it turns out.
Tomorrow's match is a 5:30am affair, so I won't be at the pub...but will certainly listen/liveblog it, cause it should be a good one, and I haven't figured out a cable option that doesn't require me committing to an insane sports-channel-add-on-fee yet.
Not going to Bumbershoot this year - just really not that interesting a line-up for me, and it seems like fewer venues. Dunno. SG is working his usual stage - a bit over a decade ago, I remember seeing him at 11am on a Sunday at the Flag Pavillion; during a 'shoot, classic stuff. Also, that was the same year I stumbled into Juno and had my life changed, the very same venue. Horrible long plasterwalled box, but always a lucky place to see bands for me at that festival.
Damn I miss those bands so frigging much.

 I know it's getting time to get out and see more music again, now that it's within easy reach - gonna wade in slowly though: Bob Mould and the Old 97's....and then go from there.

SEVEN!

"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." ~Andre Gide

day 6 of 7 at work

today is day 4 of 7 in a row...

...but boy the overtime on the check will be delightful...

Also

Yesterday, during a run to storage and such, I managed to finally dig my iPod out from the frame of the seat of my car, yay! It's like a totally new thing! Can delete music off my phone now.
as of today:
Among other things. Because if the kid believes what her dad is saying is the truth, than it is the truth. and i need to let shit go. again. but, whatever. i tried. i tried every way i know, every way i could think of, and it wasn't enough, AGAIN. He can say that it isn't about me, but clearly, IT IS. In a month you changed life paths with someone you barely know. And threw me aside like a fucking kleenex. The one who fucking broke her spirit trying to make things right with your kid, with you, with the world she knew. And, apparently, World: THAT MEANS NOTHING.
Note to self:: it means nothing. Wait for people to cater to you, apparently, is the message here.
Total bullshit, but i will not be held hostage by social media, and watching people live some sort of crazy online lives. And posting senseless memes. I have brits to watch, winchesters to devour, so whatever.

i think i understand my own mindless doodles finally

Skylines. at night. holy shit. i think i will treat myself to the Bob Mould show next month. So there.

Hometown ghosts

Spending the day (monday, actually which i was called off on so i could work this weekend instead) wandering the city does not suck. Got business stuff done and made some staple purchases, coffee beans, a book, and the like. Sipping coffee outside a cafe is like Paris except I can unfortunately understand the pointless gossip of those around me. Have lost more of my own physical bulk as well, though still above fighting weight, but returning to regular walking is clearly making a big difference. Met Smitty for happy hour beer later in the afternoon, touching base with K2, Charles etc in the interim. Happy to not be a hermit. I like walking. I like living alone. I like not worrying about if someone loves me - knowing that people care: better. SG is off in the mountains for another week, his yearly trek with his father recharging and flyfishing. He called yesterday to say hi from a place he finally got cell service (though the whole goal is to be outside of those areas to begin with) but it was nice to hear his voice.

Oh. And there was this weird thing, when i ambled through Pike Place Market the other day, and arrived at Myrtle Edwards park (just past the craft shit) I turned and walked to cross the street and I swear to the mother of KevSecs that Shay, or a reasonable facsimile of him 10 years down the line was sitting dead center in front of me on the back of a bench. Had sunglasses on, staring right at me, no expression at all. The uh, "stoic" one. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my heart skipped a beat, and not in a happy "OOOH! YAY!" way, but in a "Holy. Shit." sort of way. Which is to say, exactly like the last time I ran into him on the way to work at Repro, and I was freshly married and living sober (hrm, sobriety doesn't always lend itself to clarity, one realizes on reflection, but I digress). That was a weird conversation then, and I had passed him on the street a week earlier before we actually came face to face and spoke that time.
Yes, yes, it's the Market; it could have been any number of Native Guys of a certain vintage, with sunglasses on, wearing the same cargo shorts. With that exact hair, and that exact build. I did 3 double takes, willed shit to evolve, and nothing happened, so I'm gonna assume it was, literally, a ghost, because the fourth time I swung my eyes around he had vanished, much as he often did, in that typical damn raven-y way that also ends up with sage appearing in my mailbox....and (holy shit!) flowers on doorsteps (two days in a row there were roses in the entry way of the building I live in, not on stems, but the whole flowers, set in a row on the front window ledge. First bright crimson ones and the second time a row of yellow ones); but I sat there for a half an hour just staring at the Elliot Bay, watching, listening, and feeling. It was good to have my cage rattled a little. Complacency breeds stupidity and self loathing for me, so to be engaged in the world seems to do wonders - newsflash!
Weird, and yet, exactly why I moved back. I have so much more ease in my being, trying to figure out new ways to look at old problems, wondering what might be possible. I am who I am. Before I have been scared, intimidated, sure no one would "get" me. Even recently, I let the lessons learned in Fresno fade, and it bit me in the ass. Clearly, growth is the preferred direction for me. Sometimes I grow slowly, and sometimes it's lightning fast. The rollercoaster analogy has never been more appropriate.
Now: I get me. You get what you get.

I broke down and gave into a craving for scones yesterday - we had fresh huckleberries in the house so I used those - they turned out amazing - like turbo blueberry scones. Everyone went crazy for them, which is always funny to me, as I thought the texture was a bit off - they were more like Suze's than mine - which would make sense as I used her technique for the first time, actually hand-incorporating the dairy into the mix and then the fruit rather than just using the mixer.
Anyway. They taste really great this morning with coffee & a clear blue sky out my window, all I need is a feral cat to swing by and growl plaintively....

sunday political commentary

IF YOU THINK DRIVING TO A MEDIOCRE CHICKEN SANDWICH JOINT AND PAYING MONEY TO SHOVE FRIED BULLSHIT INTO YOUR HATE HOLE IS THE BEST WAY TO ESPOUSE THE CHRISTIAN VALUES YOU CLAIM TO ADHERE TO THEN I HOPE YOU GET THE MILLIONAIRE MORMON PRESIDENT YOU DESERVE.

(via animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

In breaking news, I have successfully removed the safety latch from my 12th floor window so that I might better enjoy the view of the Sound and also, the sounds of the View. Also, I could now drop small mammals out of it as well. Not that I would, mind you, but I could.
Also, this is pretty delightful :

Though I'm not totally sold on the dark bands on the new kit, but whatever, TV could be wearing a Snuggie and the skipper's band and it would be fine. RVP and Song are gone, which again means the loss of a great song ("Alex Dimitri Sonnnng Billlllong") and, well; a tall Dutch goalscoring machine who admittedly deserves to win at least one trophy before he retires, having been jacked for pretty much everything else in his career. (Though a not-so-secret part of me does hope his chocolate leg makes an appearance for Fergie this year)
So far my fantasy team is tanking in points my hesitancy to choose Nasri in particular botched it for me. Little bastard, scoring in the first game. Ah well, I'll tweak it next week. I'm mid-table in all leagues.
Also, there's still Arshavin. Let the Russian pagehits continue!

new season

...and Fado, a mere 3 blocks away, shows the games live. And I have Saturdays off still. And, I can hear the Sounders' Supporters rally, beffore the March to the Match on Occidental, not to mention the singing and chants from the stadium itself. Kind of amazing. If I was in Islington, it'd be Arsenal chants. Might have new job already - though it's a bit early for me to leave this first spot, if the opportunity is better $-wise and doesn't involve me baking full time in production mode, it would mean working 8 blocks away, and I'd kind of dig that. Plus new place has medical and 401k and opportunities for other locations to be established. Sweet. Loving all the other downsizing in my life right now, less stuff, more feels. Really good. Happy the footy is back on too, and got my wireless hooked up with just hours to spare, woohoo! Back to more regular posting - relying on mobile for blogging isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Born on this day.

So, I get to pat myself on the back, as last fall I promised myself I would be in a new apartment, in downtown Seattle before my next birthday. I did it. By the skin of my teeth, but I did it. I moved up when I planned, I stayed with the brother as long as planned, got to fast track the youngest nephew into my world, got a kick ass job that looks already like its going to transition into an even more kick ass job, already! I mean, that always happens, but this time in less than 90 days?!? Wtf? I mean, it's in progress, I'll probably finish the year at this spot, but then it's off to secure my future, and work 10 blocks from home! Woot!
Also the visit from Dawny has been fantastic - we picked up where we left off, we had great fun, and she helped my slay a demon by fixing the Hopey tattoo. Not only was it sloppily done (because I was in a hurry and went to a guy I didn't know to do it) so didnt hold up well, getting all blotchy...but it's te time it represents. I got that tattoo the night before my first real date with SMRGE. That period, that season has passed...but I love Hopey, I love my history (even when it is appropriated by others. I know who I am, what I did, where I went and what I mean to people. You can glom on to it and repackage it as your own, but in the end, it's just more false bullshit) and I wanted to also memorialize Dawn and I reuniting, so I asked her to frame Hopey in her signature Victorian-y swirly black fine line filigree work. It's fucking beautiful. Changed the energy of the piece to what it should be: a celebration of my best friend, my life experiences, and my love of punk rock. It is no longer a sad stamp of a hasty decision. Best birthday since getting the invite to stage at Upstairs. Yay.