intermission

i have this pal. he lives in Berlin now, Rome when I met him, and is from Croatia. He booked parts of both our Euro tours - the italian bits, and the slovenian/croat/serbian bits. i am crazy about him. and now? now, i'm helping him edit his first novel, and could NOT be more happy. He. Is. Awesome. #adam

evol

I typically try and avoid difficult things as long as i can. Sometimes, the difficulty is all imagined in my dark, twisty brain; and sometimes it's genuinely hard work that requires effort. Lately, my dodging of the saute bullet has been harder and harder. First off, I mastered and owned pantry pretty immediately, and the only thing keeping me from running a real pastry program right now is an actual lack of dishes to serve things on, and, of course enough hours in every day to get everything done. However, we lost two saute cooks in the space of 2 weeks. One we knew was going to leave, the other bailed without any warning (except for the couple of weeks in a row when we didn't get paid on time, and all the overtime he was looking at because of the other guy leaving). So when Chef asked me last night to bite the bullet and take the station when yet another stage didn't show up, I did.
I know I can cook. Well, even. It's what I love - I take it seriously, and want it to be amazing. I know, with enough practice, i can multi-task on the hotline to get proteins and sauces and the landings done - if I can juggle desserts and pantry, i can certainly do that, given a few times at the wheel, enough practice to get a rhythm. Also, with us bringing in new people, it's better for the continuity of the restaurant for me to step up, rather than aside, which was what I was trying to do, because it worked so well with Dewie that way. So, last night, I officially stepped up to the plate (hah, a pun), and didn't suck too hard at it. I had already been picking up the octopus and stuff (getting alot of kudos from guests on that dish in particular), and have certainly done risottos for Dewie, and started the proteins for him as well -  last nght I picked up the market fish, the chop (sorta), a shit ton of chicken piccata, and even the lovely branzino itself, which, even if I do say so myself, looked epic. lucked out on my first grillmarks. though, truth be told, i had an affinity for that back at pangea.
I have a talent for this - it's the physical toll that's actually kicking my ass right now. Trying to find a way to deal with that snag is the hardest part of all this. I like how it felt last night at the end of the night, and being able to send Chef home early was great. Hopefully, I'll only need to fill that roll a couple nights a week and go from there, though i suppose if Smitty works out well enough, i can teach him more actual cooking/prep stuff. hopefully. though with my luck he'll land a job in finance tomorrow.
also, i should probably look into starting to butcher the fish too - haven't done that in a dog's age, but am kinda up for it now.

take me back to paradise city

This was unearthed a bit ago, and is probably Agent86, during my tenure ('cause, you know, they're still alive & kicking in Vegas) at it's peak, sound-wise (ok, there was the incarnation with Flame & SMRGE; but all the bile that remembering them brings now makes it hard to look fondly on, but it was a blazing 4-piece line-up). Billy on drums, the king of the double-kick pedal. Though, by the looks of me, I was well into living my glam-punk-rawk ethos full throttle. That is to say, hammered beyond belief, the start of a mighty long hangover...Hard to watch me barely moving onstage, no wonder the Riot Girls got so pissy with me. Anyway, I offer this little glimpse into my black heart; and also: look. at. that. hair.

xoxo.

“It’s not your life, it’s life. Life is bigger than you. Life isn’t something that you possess, it’s something that you take part in and you witness.”
- Louis C.K.

bright light/update

Summer seems to have arrived early - clear blue skies, pushing 70 degrees - my city shines on these days - mindless building and road demolishing notwithstanding. The rollercoaster has been doing some swoopy, spinny, jerky things of late - almost all restaurant related (because it is the center of my world at this point). Time with the nephews was lovely, but coming back to find another crew member had bailed was disappointing, and also means that we have been doing the training-in dance for well over two weeks now. It hasn't been going as well as previous times. Though I did bring in my old pal Smitty, and that's been fun, but he's neither permanent, nor a lifer like me. But, it's a nice breath of fresh air for a bit. Meanwhile. I did bail on the stage at the fancy new place. To be honest, I'm just not in the right frame of mind to tackle a postion like that again - opening a high-visibility restaurant with a name chef: more than I can stomach. Thus, I'm all-in at the 'zino, though i did have an interesting chat with a headhunter (hadn't heard that term since my dad died) about potential jobs, and now I'm on his list, so who knows? Anyway, just trying to keep an even keel and get stuff done. Romance has been snuffed out a couple of times now, and I'm ok with it. The path of least resistance and all that. Miss the Stray though, especially on the warm nights walking home. But, y'know, it's typical. It's my normal now.
Hibiscus and orange sorbet and a cookie tonight - still deciding on the cookie. Did apple crostadas (some amazing honeycrisp still coming in - go Washington!) with pecans and Pt. Reyes Blue - a bit poncy, but fun to offer a little rif on apple pie with cheddar cheese. Sold a few. Yeah.
Also, many kudos for the food lately - CM and I are on target, and as I start picking up more of the saute stuff, things will be better too. Had a guy come to the pass to tell us the octopus was the best he'd ever had (he was from Italy, he and his wife) and it turned out it was one of the tickets I fired. Stoked! Yeah. As trying as things get, and as lonely as it can be being me sometimes, I am still very happy that I chose to do what I love for a living. Reading entries I wrote this time last year has actually been really helpful in reminding myself how resilient I am, and that strength carries me through to the next little bit of awesome that is around the corner....somewhere.

communing with the little people

Specifically, my nephews. Going north to spend the rest of the week babysitting my nephews and visiting my mom - just as i'm getting rid of either a massive case of tonislitis that turned to bronchitis OR a return of the walking pneumonia. Don't know either way as I can't afford a doctor. Anyway, looking forward to a change in scenery, and day-to-day routine, and a break from the kitchen drama, although after last night, it is gettting pretty damn intense/loony. Part of me almost feels like bailing on the stage i have planned on the 21st, but knows i'll regret it if i don't go - because remember when i bailed on the stage at Ad-Hoc? Yeah. So, anyway, off I go to do some kid-wrangling, here's hoping i don't have to emotionally smack the oldest one into place again.
The little one is a doll though.

delerium

Argh, been down for the count my entire weekend (the last potential free 3-day-in-a-row one for the foreseeable future, as I'm nephew-sitting next week) with tonsillitis - which oddly, used to happen way more often; but in the last year or two, hadn't been much of an issue. However, I gave into the sunny weather and walked home the other night without a hat, and bam! Infection City. Nursing myself back to non-feverishness by drinking copious amounts of tea, water, and juice. A few glasses of kombucha, but until I'm sure the tonsils are no longer at risk, it's probably best not to be drinking live cultures. All sorts of expectorating (tmi? hah.) 3-Day Soup and Toast diet as well. Yay. Missed this week's wine tasting, which came one week after the last one (trying to get back on Fair's schedule, apparently) - and so I'm probably in the doghouse, but I had to not risk infecting everyone and making my health any worse too. Besides, last time was merlots, which i'm far too familiar with (but man we killed it on the food) and this week was sangiovese, which would have been fun, but not as interesting as other wines might have been.
Anyway. Change is on the horizon (I guess it always is, it's just sometimes you know when to expect it, and other times, it just slams into you, leaving your passenger-side mirror on the ground. yeah, that's a thing that happened last week as well....) - Dewie is leaving the 'zino, and after a pretty major paycheck fiasco, I'm actively looking. I don't want to jinx anything, but I scored an exciting interview (thus the .gif above) for a new gig at a new restaurant opening in June. Yeah, here I go again. But, this is the 4th for a group who have been really successful, and I've heard nothing but great things about the primary characters, so I'm meeting with the executive chef tomorrow before I go into work. Here's hoping it goes well - I need to grow, and it's not going to happen in a place so hobbled by poor management as 'zino currently is.
Additionally, the ex-smrge thing isn't so raw - it was just rough there for a bit, chef going on his honeymoon, dewie breaking up with his wife, Fair in a crazy mixed-use relationship, J planning his wedding, C&D in their usual battle dance, Cando breaking up with her 4-mos-uber-boyfriend, Xtina breaking off her engagement....and everyone, for whatever reason, thinking I, of all people have some sort of wisdom about relationships.
Hilarious. ok, so tune in to see where i land next. if anything, it means a new cast of characters, and a longer bus ride to work - and how great and entertaining will that be? BusBlogging here i come!!

battling

...a lot of bitterness about last year right now. I know it's pointless, and that's probably why I'm so aggravated - but dammit. I'm really having a major PTSD issue with my exhusband's bullshit from LAST YEAR. Ridiculous, I know, and I'm on my meds, so it shouldn't be this big a deal, but it just seems to keep coming up, because everyone seems to be asking me for couples advice and all I can think of is: DO NOT FALL FOR IT. IT IS A LIE,.NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT IT TO BE TRUE.
Which, admittedly, blows. Because I believed. Twice. And got left, twice. And then to have me fuck up a seemingly new loving relationship due to my own paranoia (OH, THANKS AGAIN, EXSMRGE) just makes shit worse. I'm so goddamn broken. Sad.

bionic heeler

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2315616/The-bionic-dog-Mixed-breed-Nakio-lost-paws-frostbite-finally-walk-fitted-prosthetic-limbs.html

paddling, just keep paddling

tastemakers

Our little wine group is turning into a great bi-weekly gathering of friends. Last night was the cab sauvignon round, and we had upped the ante - 6 bottles on the table, with a pretty solid spectrum of prices and locales (california, washington, france). It was also the first edition in NBG's new place, and the last before his fiancee arrives from Texas next week. Favorite Expo brought food, Fair brought wine and his new lady (who I had met several times already), I trundled in wine and a quick asian salad, plus some cheese, and BikeBuilder brought not only a bottle from his father's winery, but also a supermarket standby as well. There was guitar playing (both Expo and Bike play beautifully, flipping from spanish classical to Death Cab easily), cardgames (I must remember to bring the Sopio deck next time) and as always, a ton of laughter and genuine wine talk. It's nice to have a group of people to hang out with that isn't completely wound up in each other's business (though a few of us are from the restaurant) - and as always, eating and drinking around a table with  people is really one of the best ways to spend any evening.

Dinner with Justin @Bar Sajor. Great company (tea at my place after) and good, but not amazing, food. Ah well. Details to follow.

I don't quote Henry much, but when I do...

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”

― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

hocus-pocus holiday

“I don’t know any perfect people - only really really flawed people who are still worth loving.”

—

John Green In additional news, my first batch of kombucha is about ready to bottle, and I'm excited to see how much it ends up fizzing, plus trying to decide on if/what to flavor it beyond just the basic starter teas....need to buy more of the lemonade in the flip-top bottles so that I have enough containers. Also, must get another gallon-size jar. Yeah.

more help

saturday match results

....i haven't been the best Arsenal supporter this season - media impaired for the first half, personal drama midway through, coupled with some of the worst performances we've had even in the few short years I've been following. However, as per usual with us now, the pressure is on, we have dropped out of all other competitions, so apparently now the race is on to make it to 4th, to get into Champs League play again next season.
There's much to say about how sad that is, that it'd be nice to not have this Groundhog Day feeling every March (I'm dreading already the usual whining and forecasting that will only lead to one or more of our tenured players ((it's clear my personal favorite, Bac will be leaving in the summer)) abandoning us, and a herd of young, untried ((and, yeah, most likely French)) players to come in, and then we do the whole thing over again. Bah) but mostly, I'd just like to take a hot second and wish Theo a happy birthday, and enjoy the fact that we beat Swansea today, which I'm pretty sure many gooners weren't sure was going to happen. Nine more games for my bipolar footy boys, here's hoping we can make this run-in spectacular!

Inter...mission

Haven't been writing here much because I've been focusing on more doing - and gettting a good ass-kicking while Suse was in town definitely helped. We logged a lot of miles in two days, Pike Place Market & the Athenian for snacks and catching up, dinner at 'zino, visit to the Space Needle and riding the Monorail. Stops at art galleries, checked out the ECCC (comic con) a bit, had sushi at my favorite, Hana, strolled the Hill (a bit) visiting the Unicorn, Von Trapp (the Driver's new gig), Ba Bar (Fair's old place, where Brock treated us well), and then hiked to the ID, where I introduced her to the wonders of Uyajimaya, and then a Sounders evening in my 'hood, ducking in to the Merchant and the Collins. Too short but good times and plenty of plans for next time - most importantly a visit to the new restaurant on Occidental that hopefully Tiff's brother and I will get to in the coming week.
Oh, Tiff's brother. Such a delight. His last night as expo was yesterday and it was hard to see him go. As much as we are all stoked that he found a real (awesome) job, we will miss his wit and charm on that side of the pass. Yeah.
Tuesday in the next edition of the wine tasting, and I'm gonna head over early to help NBJ cook and make kumbocha (he says he's got a scobie ready for me; totally stoked) and then we are doing pinot gris (which will be good, as i rarely drink whites in general) with an all-star line-up: Me, Fair, Christina, Tiff's brother, Felix and NBJ. Gonna be a spirited (hah! see what i did there?) conversation, definitely.
Mostly though, what has been happening is that I'm not coming home drunk and spewing anger and frustration onto this blog. I am travelling lighter, being more present, taking better care of myself and am headed back in the direction I should be. Trying to change old habits is hard, but definitely worth it.

admission

I, after years of not even giving a rat's ass about the band he was in, much less his "LATER" solo career, have to admit to an affection for JT. Dude is funny, and on SNL, which a) isn't easy these days and b) wasn't easy to begin with....and he can and does sing and dance. In a really MJ way; the way that appeals to my mom and me, and probably, weirdly: to my oldest nephew. He's hot, funny, smart, ironic, sacrastic, laughs at himself and, ideally along with those who are his peers.Dammit. How did this happen? #JTispunkrock?

also...this.

you just never know what the Life is going to bring you - keeping my head up is hard work sometimes, but always, always, always worth it.

I meant it then, and i mean it now, listen.

Travelin' lighter...

seriously, this is for that guy, who came home to me.

Incoming

My buddy Suse is headed to town this weekend. It's also Emerald City Comic Con - ironically when I arranged to have my first weekend in 6 months off I had no idea it would be the same week I might actually get to go to a con. However, since I'm not sure Suse is into the geek think like I am, I suspect we'll be doing more food & hikey things...definitely Pike Place Market, Pioneer Square, and I think probably a trip out to West Seattle for Lincoln Park (she's an avid swimmer so I think she'd dig seeing the saltwater pool, as well as just the general awesome of West Seattle and Alkai)...but am still trying to figure out what to do in the 48 hours she's here. Certainly a visit to the 'zino as well, though brief (originally, i thought i wasn't going to get the Friday off, and so initially i was gonna try and pull a Bain and see if she'd want to trail/hangout/eat during my shift, but now it looks like we can just do a bit of a downtown stroll) as I don't want it to devolve into the usual Friday evening hijinks.
And, I think I will forego the usual drive to the airport and use the fancy LightRail that I voted for a decade a go, just for the hell of it - and even though it will add 45 minutes to the overall trip, it should be entertaining for Suse and I, since she is a BART veteran and I as always can't wait to see what the Masters Of Metro have created and called "light rail" oh, the trains that only go one place. Europeans have every right to laugh at us and our shitty ability to transport ourselves efficiently. However, the station is literally steps from my door, so it would be crazy not to take it. At least this once. I'll drive on Sunday, when parking is free at work and stuff.
Looking forward to seeing her though, and hoping the weather will be at least somewhat mellow. Might also meet up with the Driver for a drink on the Hill Saturday evening, which would be fun too. Anyway, exciting to have actual days off that others have as well - had to cancel today's dinner date with Tiff's brother because his new job finally kicked in, and now he will be trapped on the Eastside in that IT gig, so it's doubtful our schedules will collide again, except for the weekends he might still pick up at the restaurant.

Now more than ever.

I'm not kidding. This is electric, and real. This is what people are.
Also, she plays an SG: pure gold.

Flight

So, one of my favorite things about my apartment is the view; and though it isn't the spectacular Sound View that the other side of the building has, it is of a unique downtown skyscape that includes the Smith Tower, the Seattle Public Library,The Columbia Tower, the County Courthouse and Prefontaine Place, among others. It also allows for amazing seagull watching. I have, of late, become somewhat mesmerized by watching them fly, and more often, glide on the updrafts and wind currents that these buildings so close to the ocean provide.
It is Jonathan Livingston Seagull come to life - these birds genuinely appear to be enjoying flight, circling far above the ground, chasing each other, soaring low, then swooping up on an updraft without flapping a wing, merely tilting the edges up or down. Up on the 12th floor, it's high enough that i can watch them sweep over the park for tasty food dropped by harried court employees at lunch in City Hall Park (or the assortment on homeless locals), and I can watch them zip up to the upper rooftops of the bigger buildings, but what I find most entertaining is the leisurely soaring in long, lazy circles in the fading afternoon sunlight. Seagull TV, my new favorite show.
It also brings to mind the stories you'd read (not as often anymore it seems) of inner-city (NYC, mostly) residents who keep pigeons, homing pigeons, and the delight they felt from watching the birds fly through the city, experiencing a freedom within the concrete canyons that we can, as bipeds, only dream about. And, of course, more than ever, appreciate the beauty within the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull - to observe these birds in flight (not being the mangy french-fry beggars they can be at the waterfront) is to see animals doing what they are meant to do - and seemingly, like sea otters who seem to swim carefree and passionately, enjoying what they do. It is comforting to see nature reveal itself in that way, in such an urban setting, in my not-so-humble opinion.

New faces, old standards.

It was a bit of an ordeal (the punkrocksoccermom car's battery was dead upon arriving at the garage to pick it up - thankfully one on the nicer garage dudes helped me jump it), but I arrived almost on time to Newbusguy's house for the second edition of wine tastings that he is arranging throughout the year. He had mentioned not being much of a drinker, but as he is interested in becoming a better server, he felt like knowing more about wines would help. I suggested he do what I was lucky enough to do when I was first getting my toes wet in the culinary world - sit down with some friends and a couple bottles of the same style of wine (or in my case it was cheeses) and taste them, comparing what each person tastes, notices, and experiences. He jumped on the idea, and so the second installment was last night.
The first edition was a bit more of a rollicking affair as there were as many bottles of malbec as people (6); but it was still educational, and brought a variety of people to the table - NBG keeps it to just 6 people at a time, which is manageable but still good variety. This week only myself and one other guest (she works at our sister restaurant, and is about to move to the wilds of Corvalis to finish her degree) were repeat attendees, and i was drawn because we were set to taste cab francs, one of my favorite style of wines. Also at the table were two people who worked in social media (interestingly, both were journalism majors like myself, but didn't refer to journalism as a vocation until pressed) and an ecologist/botanist who would be leaving for Patagonia in a couple weeks to study the density of hardwood trees there. She had written a grant proposal and gotten it funded - fascinating stuff. I mention this at all, because lately, i get caught up in trivial nonsense and often forget that We all have a huge universe of interesting people moving through our lives. Not all will be our pals, but its good to meet people, and so good, as I learned while living with K2; that eating and drinking together is healthy, important, and most of all, far more enjoyable than sport drinking. Everyone also brought some sort of food - which mean there were dolmas, gazpacho, fresh fruit, great cheese, crackers, a cassarole, olives, and yes, chocolate. A lovely night, and looking forward to seeing who comes to the table next time around.

Yep.

It still hurts. And i still miss him. And i know it's my own fault. Sometimes, I forget for a minute; but then in a flash, this white-hot scorching realization of how low I sank, how hurtful and vengeful I can be, sears my heart. Walking to the bus stop, retracing so many steps...losing a friend in a way I've never ever experienced before. There is no debate on the point. I made a bad choice. I took the low road, and I an so full of regret. So amazingly sorry, and fully aware there is no way to ever regain that friendship.

In the moment

Not looking forward to this day at all. Battling to keep thoughts from last year at bay. Spent last two days with some of my favorite guys, which is great, they take good care of me.
Last year the dessert of the day was a gooey, over-the-top cupcake, which was entirely appropriate for my state of mind.
This year, dessert is again reflective of my personal situation, and thus, the plate is this:
A strawberry-champagne terrine, with three truffles: dk chocolate-earl-grey, dk chocolate-coffee-cinnamon-walnut, and white chocolate-pistachio-cardamom. With a red wine reduction and fresh citrus garnish. Sweet, but not overly so, varied flavors and scents, and hopefully a pretty plate to have at the end of what is hopefully going to be a rich, filling affair.
Have at it, cherubs.

Better living through chemicals.

Yep, back on the meds, cause it's the right thing, obviously i spin out of control without them. Meanwhile this will be a horrible valentines day, after last year's hot rush of...whatever that was with smrge, but now, post-Stray, and in a weird vortex with SG, i dunno what will happen next (not that any of us do) but it looks to be a full week: wine tasting with Newbusguy and Fair, and then gonna hang with Tff's brother in Weds, so....yeah. Got a champs and strawberry terrine to rock with choc truffles on V-Day, pics to follow.

Ghost in the machine

Found out today while searching on a bit of a whim, that my most favorite teacher of all (and I, being the good student I was had several teachers that I was fond of, or who were fond of me) died just a week ago. Had I tried the very same search earlier (as I have randomly over the years, to no avail) - say perhaps in the summer, perhaps I could have actually talked to him one last time - ironically he was living in Snohomish, the same little town i visit every couple of weeks to visit my mom and brother's family...but it isn't to be. I want to write about Mr. Gray, about the warmth and compassion he radiated and the wonderful inspiration he was for me - but i am still posting from my phone, my replacement laptop is out of commission and awaiting service. Hopefully though, in the next couple of days, a long-overdue Ed Gray appreciation post.

Ginger beer and marshmallows

Also, i forgot to mention that i got to try actual tamarind fruit as well...not bad for a tuesday.

Tuesdays in the kitchen...

Spent yesterday evening at Newbusguy's house (tho he's not that new anymore, so perhaps just NJ will work for now) brewing gingerbeer for the restaurant (and us too). He has done other brewing, mostly kombucha, which is how we started talking about this project. I started drinking commercial kumbocha in sf, and have been looking to try some stuff on tap, or at least direct from the brewer. NJ and i have a similar affinity for experiments, and the more we'd talk at work about food (he was also making his own wines over the holidays) it was inevitable we'd team up.
What started as just an evening brewing the ginger beer though ended up being a literal smorgasboard: jasmine rice with a korean soybean paste similar to LBF's devil sauce, tastes of various vinegars he had made (rosemary & a kumbocha based one which i really like), four different honeys (apparently he kept bees as a teenager and likes to collect honeys, and one in particular, the soursop, was fantastic in its deep complexity), aoli from scratch which we snacked on with bits of focaccia, pickle and ham, plenty of the first batch of ginger beer we'd made, and finally, a batch of ginger-lemon marshmallows on the fly.
Really fun way to spend a rainy evening. Next up, after we test the ginger beer this weekend, another batch of that to either fine tune or make for the bar, and then we are gonna do a taco night (making the tortillas from scratch, of course) and wine tasting. He wants to learn more about wines in particular (he's not really much of a drinker. Which is why he gets so much done, i suspect :) so that will be fun. We had a great time exploring a couple of cocktails from the new list at work, and have an easy way of communicating in the same terms about food, which is a treat.
Also, brainstormed a new dessert...a lemon meringue s'more.
I will be working that this weekend.

Moreover....

"If one is not wholly convinced of one's own lovability, receiving affection can appear like being bestowed an honour for a feat one feels no connection with."
- Alain De Botton

this.

 (via explodingdog.com)

Daryl Hall is no Abe Lincoln...

is it wrong to want to be on the daily show just to get a hug from jon stewart?

so, we found a kid to back me up in pantry, and potentially make us less dependent on the Mexican Mafia for our pasta and cheese production. the balance of power is shifting a little. also, she's a go-getter, so she should be keeping me on my toes as well. yay.

was great to have ricky, his wife, jeff, and frigging jesse drop in on friday night - i was in the foulest mood too...just really spent, still blue about the usual stuff, plus getting hit hard during happy hour, and then i hear "hey m!" and ricky was leaning into my station! i've never been SO stoked to be in an open kitchen. i sent he and kate a salad and cheesecake (they are both on a cleanse for the month) and chatted, and that's when they told me jesse was in town and that he and jeff would be by soon. they showed up at about 10, and it was so wonderful to hear jess laughing - i've known that guy for as long as i've known my brothers (really) and i always forget how much i miss him until we are back together. his laugh, like his mother's, and my mother's is so comforting - he just is part of my family, part of who i was, am, and certainly will always be. i smile so much around him, my face hurts sometimes. he and jeff hung out a while and then a couple of his other pals filtered in and out, and finally they closed the bar with fair, dewey and i. it was fantastic, and dewey and jesse together? Hi-larious. Such a wonderful surprise, and really welcome lift to my spirits, which have been flagging as i roll around wrestling demons and learning to accept the mistakes i've made recently. fair has been helpful as hell, almost angelic (in that castiel sort of way) in his willingness and keeping me from just spinning in circles....at least to a certain degree. yeah. it's great.

 

*this post originally appeared in mid-january, but due to an editing snafu, was reposted as current....damn u internets!

truth

“Unrequited love may be painful, but it is safely painful, because it does not involve inflicting damage on anyone but oneself, a private pain that is as bitter-sweet as it is self-induced. But as soon as love is reciprocated, one must be prepared to give up the passivity of simply being hurt to take on the responsibility of perpetrating hurt oneself.”

—	Essays In Love, Alain de Botton.

Yeah. Epiphany. Go figure.

goats go to....

JUST LOOK AT IT, CLAIRE. THE ROLLING HILLS, THE SUN-DAPPLED LEAVES, THE RUSTIC CHARM OF IT ALL. IT’S BEAUTIFUL. JUST BEAUTIFUL.

WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD? ARE YOU DRINKING AGAIN?

NO, DOWNTON ABBEY STARTED BACK UP. GOD, IT’S BEEN A DESOLATE TV WASTELAND RECENTLY.

(animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

argh.

i really, really, REALLY miss my dog right now.

honestly how do you not look at this dog and not go: g.o.d.

social connectivity

Went to large industry holiday party courtesy my ol' pal The Driver. It was good, and I was able to meet more people from the restaurant she works at (and also the one I tried to get the Stray to take a job at, and which I might still end up, should things hit the fan at the 'zino), and the other restaurants in the organization, enjoyed some lovely food, didn't drink, and ultimately came home feeling a little disoriented but pleased, I guess. Meanwhile, work is still a bit of a struggle, as we haven't filled the shoes of the Mighty A, and so the three of us are just powering through the week, each taking one day off alternating leaving 3 days where we are working with just 2 people on the line. It blows, because business is building - we are having busy weekends as a rule now, and the weeknights are picking up as well, and all without any of the gimmicky bullshit the owners wanted to try. Nope just kick ass awesome food, and relatively decent service.
Rumor is they will be putting security cameras in next week. Hilarious, as its way too late to get anything good on tape now. Ah well.
It's a bit much. Luckily, though, we (the kitchen) like each other a bunch (even my favorite pasta&cheesemaker/dishwasher and I are back on speaking terms - we still aren't quite as tight as we were before the Great Chocolate Spill, but it's good to be talking to him and laughing again), we seem to be losing some dead weight in the FOH, and the overtime is helpful right now, though I got a parking ticket yesterday which hurts. Boooooo.
I only drove 'cause I was late and needed to do errands, and dammit, I pay to park already in this town, so it bites when i get ticketed.
Anyway, don't mean to just whine, did have a plan for this post - about baking and such. About older posts, about how angry at myself I am for having failed at being trustworthy. However, I'm not quite there yet. Having a hard time snapping out of work-eat-sleep mode right now. Hopefully it's just my liver catching it's breath. Dunno. I thought by now I'd feel better, but I actually feel more drained.

affirmations

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill 

"if you're really doing it, you won't have time to talk about it" - Breezy Lovejoy

Re-reading july-september entries has also been illuminating - links are all there on the right for perusal...

also...hell of a time to find out there is Laser Skrillex at the pacific science center....i haven't been to a laser show since, what, laser chili peppers? seems like it would be fun. *sigh*

there's always a soundtrack to my life...

you see what i did here? fences and macklemore, and i didn't even know they had done this, i discovered them separately and for different reasons, and boom, there it is. all in one fell swoop. i suspect 2013 is gonna be a bear. serious.

better writing here:

http://hopey.blogspot.com/2012_01_08_archive.html

read the newspaper

Just an observation: the New York Times still, from all online appearances, still writes news stories the way I was taught back in journalism class. All the facts are in the first sentence. The rest? Details, in descending order. Haven't read the NYT in years (when I was in college, and then on the East Coast), and have just revisited online, and damn, no one writes like they do. #journalismyo.

bon voyage

Had to say goodbye to our favorite pasta cook last night and it was brutal. ChefM was devestated, I got choked up and teary (twice, truth be told) and she cried too. It was hard - especially since the next 2 days are going to be, as Indie Bartender J said tonight:"A full on shit storm". Also spent after-hours tasting Newbusguy's homemade mint wines and chocolates he made from scratch - looks like i might get to have him cover shifts so i can get a day off...but yeah, it was a *spirited* conversation, and then just kept Fair company while he waited out his last customers.
Didn't go to crazy loft party in the Square with him, J, and apparently where MDR and other usual suspects would be in attendance. Not doing that again. Gonna keep my home quiet, and my head even more So. Yup....waiting out 2012.

'Round and 'round

Got the call after arriving home after work, and SG even came by, picked me up and whisked me off to West Seattle. Late start to the evening, and he was all riled up about a disheartening fb interaction with MCWDITW (oh the irony),  and then he presented the holiday present. Oh, and I was allowed my first sleep-over. So that's a thing. I think.There were rules, of course, but that's good. Rules are helpful for me, to be honest. Actually, I'm gonna try not to think too much about it, because...well, you know, let sleeping dogs lie (and we did, until 11, which is typical for me, but not so much with he who holds actual job in adult world). Dropped me home in time to catch a quick catnap, coffee, and surf before heading back to what has, sadly, become Work. Ah well.
Yeah. Also the return of the raven hat, and a reminder to see The Hobbit - though recent reviews have kinda got me bummed about sitting for 3 hours for a third of the story.

That is all. For now.

About to start working 6-days a week for a while until we replace our smiling pasta chef who found a better job. This is gonna be tough, but the timing is typical. Xmas Eve was brutal, and NYE is shaping up to be a total clusterfuck.
The good news is, I need something to just keep me on the hamster wheel; to keep me on my game, because I've been coasting, and if I want to get better I need to do stuff. Lots and lots of stuff, awesome stuff. Get back to the headspace of late summer. Less self-doubt, more adventure and curiosity. Pronto. It's back to the part where I need to move forward, try to put the warm fuzzy memories of sleeping in, coffee and youtube in the morning, of laughing and working together, of actual warm emo that  filled the moments in between all the cavorting, the wave of discoveries that occured ...all those memories need to be stashed away for a while, until I can revisit them and not be so full of regret. I never expect anything to really last anymore, and I guess, ultimately, that's why they don't. So, working on that, among other personal growth issues. Just working to shake off the affection, the desire will be difficult enough. But I made this reality, so I'm gonna paddle through it as best I can....
 And, I've finished all the Supernatural episodes, so that is done as well. Boohoo. No more coming home to Sam & Dean to drown my sorrows ;)
Ok, time to make the donuts so I can pay for the laptop, and all the other bills that are due.....

this is how it goes and goes and goes....

"How come I end up where I started?"
Yeah, see, here's the part where I actually know the answer to this question, but ignore it anyway.
Because you keep doing the same shit. As do I. I've lived through this before, and should have recognized it for what it was, but I treated it as if it wasn't for real, just a lightning strike. I didn't believe.
What should have happened, was that I, the older, supposedly wiser one, should have seen the abyss, and said to you: "Let's not do it this way, ok?"
But, I didn't. I reverted to old form, and the shit happened. Again.
It was all on me to grow, to treat this as a real thing, to recognize the opportunity to move forward and not fall back. And for that, I am responsible. I didn't let it happen. Yeah. You can blame all white girls, but crazy comes in all colors and often, with kids. So, you know, buyer beware.
It is what it is. I did what I did. The fact that it isn't the first time, is only echoing what is already clear if you read any of this blog. I do the best I can with what I have. I am not perfect. I love passionate people and want to help them more (often) than I want to help myself. I'm working on it.
I am, as smrge once described himself: a work in progress.
Though I would of course add the adjective: still.

i'm a loser, baby.

And, it turns out, a pretty huge asshole. I repeated history and lo & behold the results were the same. I knew better than to do what I did, and yet I did it anyway. You would think, after enough of those crucial moments, where you are standing at the precipice, knowing that there's no going back once you push that domino over, that I would learn to leave it alone. No matter how drunk I was, no matter how angry and hurt and abandoned I felt, I lost a hunk of my soul doing the pandora's box thing again.
Ok. With the hope that if this presents itself again, I will choose the higher path, the moral choice, i will Do The Right Thing.

yup

anything i do at 6am is highly suspect. just saying.

dammit.

per a call i got about a half an hour ago, i will now be going to sleep via:

morning missed

Starting my day with this:

Then will move on to this:

Yeah, still can't shake it off...trying to, trying every way i know how right now.

reminder:

Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. -Ralph Marston

'tis the season...

I have this way with certain geeky/arty/smart types - maybe it's the old "birds of a feather" thing. Lately, been closing shop with Fair and all new rituals are occurring....better than previously in our story though, both from a financial standpoint, and from a physical/mental standpoint (not near the liquor intake) so that's been nice. Last night, I was rocketed back to 1983 (yes, EIGHTY THREE) while I looked on (well, I played too, but was so out of practice, i didn't make it past the first screen) as he fucking KILLED at the table version of Ms Pac Man. I literally swooned as if Bradbob was sitting across from me again at Godfather's Pizza. It was crazy how watching that game brought back all these sense memories of being at the arcade next to Moviola for hours at a time, playing that game over and over because it was the only one none of the boys played and was always open. Fair got to screens I'd never seen before! He got to the point where the power pills don't work! And I enjoyed every second of it! If there was ever, ever, EVER any doubt that I am a geek, it was removed last night. Punk rock dork, full-on. So much fun, and no annoying hangover, or random bruising.
Fireballs consumed: 2

Ok, not a bad evening...

Spent all day cleaning the apartment (while periodically surfing the internets), unpacked some of the stuff I lugged home from storage, and then went out into my neighborhood. Pioneer Square is awesome for a lot of reasons, and tonight featured a few: the lighting of the Christmas tree on Occidental Square was accompanied by a dog costume contest (yes there were many Santa hats, reindeer antlers, elf sweaters, ugly xmas sweaters, and also what appeared to be holdover actual costumes from Halloween ((a bassett in a cowboy hat, for instance), dogs of all varieties assembled for the festivities, and then a pet parade. Additionally, the First Thursday Art Walk was tonight, and while I didn't go into more than a couple galleries (my tolerance is low for the crowds, not the art) I did stop into my pal's shop where they were featuring an artist friend of theirs who does fantastic wood-block prints, mostly of animals - I had seen them while they were hanging them on Tuesday, and there were plenty of people, plus champagne, beer, cookies and of course the Shop Kittens, Vito and Ivar who have become these amazingly soft teen cats who are the healthiest most well-adjusted cats I've ever seen.
I hung out with C mostly, and he showed me his latest thrift finds, including this spectacular "Robot Chef" broiler/toaster/rotisserie/fryer from the '50's, never used...so awesome.

Then while chatting a woman came into the shop with a beautiful Husky and was asking D about dog sitting, and he tried to steer her into a sitting service and she was adamant that she didn't want that, and somehow my gut wanted to offer to do it (I did sit several dogs in SF, though always with Scraps and all elderly), so I approached her, and trying as much as possible not to sound like a complete dog-abducting psycho, I let her know that I was interested, and that I lived close by. Turns out, she's actually looking for someone to take the dog in (she'll be gone 5 weeks) not to just come by and feed & water. Dog is just 8, needs no meds, just walks and is "totally apartment trained". She sounded interested (she was honest to tell me she couldn't pay me much) and so we exchanged information - so I might be fostering (kinda) a Husky in February! Kind of cool, and might keep me out of most trouble for a bit.
Then, in another bit of neighborhood karma, my favorite Restaurant Hostess (and GF of J, our indie bartender) stopped in with her dog, and so we chatted for about a half hour, as she isn't working at the restaurant anymore. It was nice - and even a friend of C & D's who I've met a bunch of times now stopped by and it was just good to be among friends. I know that sounds silly, but I am still getting used to actually having a neighborhood, of being social again. Sometimes I feel so out of tune unless I'm in a bar or with the usual suspects...anyway, it was a nice evening, and didn't cost a penny. So, yay.

yes, just more random ephemera....

...yes, it's come to this: Grumpy cat meme re-posting.


(via buzzfeed.tumblr.com)

be cool, 502 goes into effect today...

YOU GET PINCHED, WE NEVER MET. YOU GOT ME? YOU FOUND THIS ON THE STREET.

(animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

also...

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” - Albert Camus

xmas

Not my favorite holiday by any means, and this one isn't shaping up to be much better...but this made me grin, cause it is without a doubt my favorite of all the holiday shows. All hail the Land Of the Misfit Toys and skinny Santa and a reindeer whose nose glows. Yeah. This.

done

i have nothing else to write right now. It's faster than the hiphop, but its feelings are no less real. Poets come in all colors.

More. Later, different; perhaps. Usually.

yes, again.

I love this version of this song. Always, but especially, now.

from time to time...

I drink too much. And I blackout. Sometimes, it's not a big deal - I'm in a place where everyone else is in that mode too, I'm with someone who is watching out for me, or I already have a plan for Home. Or I'm with Charles, and we are cavorting, or I'm at SG's and we are *watching movies*, stuff like that. Sometimes though, I do stuff, in that blackout, that I regret. Sometimes it's physical stuff, "hey look! car made it home, parked in its spot AGAIN"...and sometimes, like today; I piece together phone notices and drunken posts that I left as drafts...I realize I crossed the line (again). I have been very lucky lately, and in all Fairness, have been given a little help (still not sure why, but he's a good dude) - my car has been in the garage all week, and will hopefully stay there for another - so at least that isn't an issue (yay! living downtown!) but, I apparently yelled at someone via phone, who I very deeply still care about, [though hopefully for him it will subside eventually, and I'll leave him alone] ((though:MCWGITW vs. SG...)) for 6 minutes last night, and don't remember any of it, and can, unfortunately, imagine what I might have said. Which is painful. I called tonight, and am either blocked or his battery is fried. I'm guessing (a . And that kind of thing is the sort of activating incident that AA folk call: bottom. Again. Yay, me. It may not take the court to get me into a room this time.
Yeah, that thing. What's weird is this doesn't really happen much, but right now, all stars are aligning to show me that....that it's going to be a dry january at the very least. I have been playing loose and free with the rules, again, and it's falling in on itself (on me).
Time to move forward. Enough grovelling and feeling sorry for myself about smrge. Hey, check it: 28 years old and Fair. We watched the Lakers, had a fireball and a pabst and talked about crustypunx. It just keeps being awesome. Stop whining.
Oh, except shoulder is for all intents and purposes: jacked. Ice. and Jameson..
But, just so we are clear: this band belongs to The Stray the way The Replacements belong to MCDITW, or Wilco belongs to smrge, or DOA to Mike. Sometimes shit just happens like that, it touched a nerve, i needed a touchstone. Now, there's nothing else, it informs so much of what is RIGHT NOW.

;

injured reserve

Home with an crazy painful rotator cuff that's radiating down to my elbow and wrist. Had every intention of going to the storage facility to retrieve cooking stuff and some books/fliers that people have asked for (oh sure, now that i'm not sitting on all of it, suddenly everyone wants a piece. Plus, since my computer has gone belly-up everyone seems to want all my portfolio stuff as well). But a short walk to the drugstore on the corner for coffee filters (and kleenex, etc) and then a walk back home to grab a sandwich at grand central (won't do that again. it's either delicatus or subway, depending on the cashflow) and i was done. the thought of dragging stuff out and into my car and then out and into the elevator, fuck it. I am just gonna have to cough up another $134 and hope i can get shit done next month. which sux, because i'm living really close to the wire again, and it's depressing and stressful, and to be honest, it is the very, very worst part of being alone.
Anyway, working an extra shift tomorrow too, so hopefully i won't fall too far behind the 8-ball.
Yeah. Yay. Bought some sleepytime tea though, because i think i'm in for a dry spell shortly.
That'll be fun.
Did amazing apple crostadas at work last week - i'm pretty adept at working that dough, like riding a bike really. Also SG rang again, was gonna go over but both of us were a little too spent...but at least there was contact and communication. Can't say the same for my former coworker, who has avoided texts, and only recently answered the phone to tell me he was working (which I understand, so I hung up quick - I just had no idea he'd be working as we hadn't talked in ages) and then last night, when he called back...well he said it wasn't from home, and unfortunately - if he was in that part of Kent...I couldn't be of any help anyway - and it sounds like he was with someone new anyway, and pictures he posted from the evening appear to indicate he might be working for GMB, which is ironic on so many levels. Sort of like these Slayer Xmas sweaters.

Cest la vie though, you know?

chchchchcanggggeeees...

Looks like I'm going to help my pal, who once upon a time booked our European tour, and who I have since had a wonderful, intertwining friendship with, edit his novel that he completed last month. I'm really stoked - because he's done something complete (like he does, seriously, this guy is amazable in his ability to start and complete projects. He has always been an inspiration in that way...) and is ready to share it, and is mature enough to know it needs another couple of eyes to check it out.
Plus, I love editing. Plus I have time, and it doesn't cost anything to read his stuff (or the 4 other books and journals I have sitting around)...plus it might just kick me in the ass to get to the whole writing for real thing. So im stoked, read the first five chapters last night, and am encouraged. Also, he's currently in Berlin, where I'm hoping to go after London in the Fall of next year.
So, that's a thing.

tableside

It's been a minute since I have been asked to go out to a table - I mean, I've gone a couple times when I've had friends in, but that's different. Last night, it was a 3-top, at 7, one of our (in my opinion) better tables, because it's a booth, with a window, and you can see the kitchen. Anyway, they apparently loved the meal, and new server R (who has been kind of ping-ponging in and out of favor so far - he can be very pushy and high maintenance; but does tend to sell specials and likes to run his own food...when he's not stealing off of other tickets...anyway) pulled me aside to tell me that they were raving about the cheesecake, and wanted to know what kind of liquor was in it, etc. I started giving him the breakdown...and he rolled his eyes and asked if I could please just come out to the table, they would really appreciate it.
I literally haven't done it (that style, occasionally i'll get people in the bar who will compliment it or whatever) that way, since Pangea days. Not gonna lie, my ego needed a bit of a boost, and having a man kiss my hand and his companions shake my hand while showering me with praise was a nice lift. I mean, I worked hard on that cheesecake, it is my signature dessert, and hilariously they were convinced it had triple-sec in it.
(It did not. As Dewie so bluntly said "It's topped with motherfucking tangerines. Of course he thinks there's orange liquor in it.") But it was fun to watch their eyes glow as I described the process and the simple ingredients...I wrapped up as I always have, saying thanks and that I'm glad they enjoyed it - I love what I do, and I hope it shows. They agreed it does.
I do love what I do. The venue is always a challenge, and lately, physically, the achey breaky part of 10 hour shifts on your feet in the blasting heat is certainly wearing on me; not to mention the lack of financial compensation. However, I can't imagine going back to sitting at a computer all day listening to architects, or marketing dorks harrass me about color matching, or fonts being embedded or all the other ridiculous nonsense I used to deal with. Moreover, I am glad I'm not a GM at a mobile artisan food company, trying to juggle crazy personalities and make a business successful in spite of the owner's willful disrespect for humans.
Though, I do miss a good grass-fed beef hot dog, and still dream of a porchetta sandwich that isn't made delicious via the sweat of abused indentured slaves.
Anyway, it was a decent night, one of two this week (and next) that I get to do with just me and Dewie. We always have our Mondays, but yesterday (and next Sunday) we'll be doing two-fors. Having a nightcap at the end of the night with just J at the bar (no more riff-raffy dudes hanging out now) as also good. Me and Dewie talking shop about ovens we've worked with, and J discussing all the change that has happened. Good, calm night. It's about time, I suppose, for things to settle down.

yeah. this.

“I’m just very, very fond of you.”

—	John Green, A Fault In Our Stars