argh.

Foul mood all night, Thursdays are the worst. Sure, I do it to myself; I go all ballistic over shit I have no control over (other than my own willingness to be an idiot) - I need to figure out a way to pull myself out of this tailspin. I just have been really lucky in the last couple of weeks, having SG swoop in at just the appropriate time to keep me from feeling like...like this. Anyway. Got kudos for the radish tweak to the baby lettuces, and am trying to give Sous Matt the support he needs in creating the kale & squash salad that we think will replace the caprese when the heirlooms finally bite the dust. I think I've got a dumbed-down version of the dino-kale ready to go, using his apple cidar vin dressing. Also: made the stupid italian stracciatello gelato that everyone is all hot over. yawn.
anyway, need to go mainline some sad bluesy shit...but this is it, this is the song that says what is in my head right now, by the man who seems to know just how to...say what this moment feels like right now, with 'zac-less thoughts racing with the demons who hold court in my head already..
attachment is my war.

Vito is all about business...

in a half-assed attempt to be less like Ivar and more like Vito, I have started making purveyor calls - just to produce and bakery, but still. Menu changes are in order, and I've been putting it off for far too long and need to do the appropriate research and trials. Must channel CG. Must get back in the game. Must not let myself be distracted so much.

That said, hanging out after last night with Dewey playing pinball and talking hardcore was good (almost) clean fun. As it should be.

huh

UK and Malaysia? odd. But ok. So, here's the thing, The Stray, who was indeed working tonight, (which was uneXpected) asked me to go in on stuff that i generally don't go in on, especially in this town, but it was his birthday, so what the hell, even though he and his housemate took off, i still played pinball with Dewey tonight, and it was awesome. So much talk about hardcore and punk rock and just easy stuff. I love this place so goddamn much. So, yeah, that. For the history book, or paper trail, or whatever happens after this: I made an amazing palate cleansing sorbet tonight, cucumber-lime-mint; and everyone was all aflutter, and  The Stray, after tasting said "can I keep you" and I said, on reflex, because it would be nice if he did: "Yes. yes you can" and there was silence after, of course. A quick hug and kiss goodbye tonight, but still. A unicorn, a comet. Like Charles says...you just don't know what you are doing to make this happen, but you enjoy it as much as you can, cause you know it will not last forever.
Let it go. I will . But damn, that was fun.

If you don't learn from your past...

One of my most lucid posts happened this year on January 23rd. Rereading it today is ultimately why I do this, this writing thing. Sometimes I make sense. Sometimes, documentation is helpful. Sometimes it's just killing time, and often it's simply a confessional, which keeps the guilt that destroys my psyche at bay.
From that entry:
"I would be remiss if I didn't note the stark parallels in my own personal narrative right now. My willingness to bring my ex-husband back into my life is based in the simple fact that I loved him dearly when I met him, though I wasn't completely able to functionally do it, because, simply put, I wasn't too crazy about myself. Sure, in the abstract, I'm suitably enamored of my personae, my ability to take on challenges and survive. Blah, blah, blah. But, that sort of ends up making you a bit of a lab rat, waiting for the next mystery dose to see what the effects are. Doses administered by others."

Last night.

Post-getting my ass kicked at work on an insanely busy friday that had me going until past midnight, constantly...i find myself curling up with Radiohead, missing my stray something fierce.

one more chorus...

So many feels right now, and kind of trying to sort them...another few days of adventure, danger, romance and lust. Couple of after-work nights with  The Stray and Dewey, the second of which saw  The Stray and I returning to the scene of our previous antics, and me getting worked hard on the dining room floor of the restaurant. Am sooo frigging sore, all over. Probably stepped over the line last night by going in on our night off and him being so drunk. He's there now, working, and is without a phone...anyway. Lots of emo last night too, but good action, good after, and the cuddling to radiohead melts me. dammit. i seriously don't know where this train is going, but he also was a little squirrelly asking how many blogs i'd written about him, etc. It's there if he wants to read it, and it's nothing i haven't really already said to him. It's just all about context and references, but ultimately I write for myself.
oh, and tuesday he slept through C and I painting the apartment. Best moment, C turning to me and saying "Just out of curiosity, how long does he sleep for" (this at about 4pm) and I told him "I honestly don't know, I usually roust him at 2, but today is sort of an experiment."
He got up at about 5 when C was almost done and had bought beer...just for the record.  The Stray is without mobile communication tool, so i hope he found a way home tonight - . Or, he'll find a place to crash via Hula. But the first seems most obvious...unless he finds his housemate...(or mom?) dunno. I should defo not be thinking about this tho...

walk it off...

...yeah, so, me having feelings is a real pain. Let loose some emo last night that i shouldn't have, successfully destroying what was left of that thing we were doing....I can be a real jerk. Feel like I can't even apologize because that just makes it more of an issue. I knew I shouldn't get attached to it, that it was a comet, something that only happens once in a while and doesn't last long...but I let myself feel anyway, and all it does is end up feeling empty, hurt, and ultimately me completely incapable of having normal human interactions.

Affirmation: The past is beautiful. And mostly a lie.

speaking to soon jinxes it

because it is, ultimately. 

but it appears that it's all done for real now. back to our previously scheduled grown-up life.

look, everything changes

Affirmation: It’s okay to take something to sleep. You look like 
hell you could use some sleep.

got the paint swatches and everything...

Affirmation: You can do this. Whatever this is looking like today.

i'll sleep when i'm dead

WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE, MAN. JUST HOP IN THE CAR AND GO, YOU KNOW? NO FORWARDING ADDRESS, NO ROAD ATLAS, NO LOOKING BACK. LET’S JUST HIT THE OPEN HIGHWAY, THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND, SIEZE THE MOMENT. 

OR WE COULD GET SOME TATTOOS, YEAH? LET’S JUST GET ALL INKED UP AND START CARRYING KNIVES. LET’S LIVE OUTSIDE THE LAW. WE CAN CARVE A TRAIL OF BLOOD AND FIRE ACROSS THE AMERICAN WEST. DIE SOMEWHERE IN THE BADLANDS, CUT DOWN IN A HAIL OF BULLETS.

OR CROSSFIT! WE COULD JOIN CROSSFIT GYM. THEY JUST OPENED ONE NEAR THE PANERA BREAD ON 6TH. HIGH INTENSITY INTERVAL TRAINING. KILLER CARDIO. FINALLY SHED THOSE EXTRA POUNDS.

OR, UH …

OKAY, LOOK, I’VE BEEN ABUSING METH PRETTY REGULARLY FOR A VERY LONG TIME, SO IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BETTER IF YOU DECIDE WHAT WE’RE DOING TONIGHT. HONESTLY, I DON’T CARE. I’M DOWN FOR WHATEVER.

never assume....

son, i have t-shirts older than you are...

This was pretty much my theme song for the whole X-capade, (but could be appropriate for vast swaths of my existance as well) which certainly seems to have come to an end...still, i learned some new stuff, did some new stuff, so it's cool....my heart can't do day after day like that, but it was a fun go there for a bit; memories of Shay-style excess, but without all the seamy details. He even drug me to karoke, which was actually kind of interesting (and he's really frigging good at it), and then just some fun running around.Not to mention, the action was literally the best since....Chris maybe? and that initial part where we were cuddling and stuff, that was really nice to have happen naturally....yeah.

wow.

...After hanging out with my pal Charles, totally cool with the break from The Stray  for these couple of days off. I assisted Charles with the adoption of two shop kitties today, and totally because I just decided to head over to the store and see if he wanted to have a beer or something, and then I found out they were waiting to find out if they were gonna get these kittens, and they did, and the rescue place ended up being literally 3 blocks from where smrge and i used to live in ravenna. amazables. then we went back, played with the kittens, and then went to the Central for beers and burgers. Such. A good day. and after a solid week of fucked up ness, it was soooo welcome.

Back to work...

"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned." - William Somerset Maugham


...been an interesting week.

4th and ten to go...

Yikes. Three turned into day four, and as Rob and I were unable to meet up before his flight out due to traffic and forest fires and a car rental agency snafu, i went back to sleep.  The Stray and I arose late in the afternoon on a mission to find speakers for my shit computer (as he'd been screening rap battles the last couple evenings and some of the vids sound are crap, and my laptop speakers are toast too) he suggested a pawn shop on Pike on the Hill, and so off we went.I hadn't been in a pawn shop in a while, and certainly not one in hipster central...so after i spent $15 bux on some portable speakers, i couldn't help but troll the guitars. X was outside (it's totally not his gig) having a smoke, and i looked around, found a well-worn SG (gonna guess early '90s maybe) for $845. But I didn't even hesitate to take it off the rack and play it. I looked at a couple of basses, looked at some Fenders (just for kicks) and then left, full of malaise and longing.
That, however was crushed by a suggestion to hit Beth's for food (our first of the day) - so we cruised out to 99, and ate omlettes in the emptiest Beth's I've ever been in. Our server was groovy though, and we had some fun, even got the crayons to do a couple drawings. i did my usual smiley drunk punk face, elaborated a bit in style and captioned it "So. Many. Eggs"
He did a cool little hip-hop skull thing, that I dug so much i shoved it in my bag, which seemed to wig him out. It's hard cause my apartment is so empty he can't see how much stuff I accumulate in terms of personal keepstakes.
It's in a weird spot right at the moment, he and I. Me, because there are aspects to what is going on that I recognize and are a wasteful. I am walking a thin line between Shayesque excess, and some sort of weird understanding that even though the action is great - it's already changed, and I may have been too honest too soon, but it's strange. For him, it's surely a case of digging me intellectually, and in a physically compatible way, but not in an "in love" way. And again, as I have come to accept, it is because of how I look. And understandably, this kid can rock any hottie he wants. It would be full-on Harold and Maude (or worse, Graham and Sharon-type) shit otherwise, right?
Dunno. More for the hardcopy journal, and maybe that other spot I write sometimes.
Anyway, the bite at Beth's was good, and another successful run to an old spot to purge ghosts (that's why I like Supernatural so much, is because my life in the last months has been pure demon slaying and ghost encounters). Then we cut over to Ravenna, to pick up coffee beans and, of course, beer. He wasn't gonna stay, in fact, he really needed to hit the road, but came back again anyway. We drank, set up the speakers, watched more of his, and then he finally asked to see some Doctor Who, and so we watched the first couple of episodes until his roommate called as he was getting off work to give him a ride back to the boondocks.Oh, I also did his laundry. Cause i'm like that.
Anyway, it's all a bit weird, and still silence from SG, so I suppose the worst case scenario has in fact unfolded, but, I just can't worry about it much anymore. I'm so unsure how to feel in this situation - so amazingly scared to act on my instincts, unless all my barriers are down via chemicals, which isn't making stuff better, ultimately. Anyway, back to work tomorrow finally.
Oh, and got the job offer from GMB at new place with benefits, 401k, and a raise of a buck and a half, but i'm just not into fucking changing jobs again, starting over again. being in a closed kitchen, again. So, i'm gonna piss him off and say no. But I just want the crazy autonomy of what i've got now, cause i think i can grow it once i get a routine down. Routine. And what would help that? yeah, not partying until 6am with the busboy.
Crap.

what goes around...

“Now so many stories never get told. Why? Because people are scared to tell them. It’s one thing to show off faded Slayer tattoos and pass around photos of yourself in a different stage of life, wearing an Army uniform or wedding dress. But if your old stories and pictures are punk, everyone runs the other way. “Oh no,” they say. “Not another jaded blowhard talking about the good old days.” It’s sad because for some of us it’s impossible to talk about our personal history without talking about the past, and punk.”

—	Aaron Cometbus, from Cometbus #45

third time is a....

X3  last night, up this morning with one of my favorite activities (and his too, of course); then multiple cups of coffee, amazing conversation on the couch and sharing of Macklemore (me) and Tech N9ne (him) vids  and other musics, deep thoughts about religion, world environmental situations and the plight of the poor, so much resigned passion in him, it's pretty incredible, and in such an interesting package....anyway, then grabbed lunch across the street at the little cheesesteak spot (his suggestion), and then I walked him to work (we strolled via Alaskan, by the waterfront, ducking into alleys and cutting through the market, laughing the whole way, keeping on western all the way to belltown from Pike Place Market, to the corner of Wall where I got a quick hug and kiss bye). It was fun though, and so weird - to have some one impulsively grab your hand when you go to  jaywalk together, those little things you think only happen in movies - I'm so shocked and jerky about it, I really am more damaged emotionally (and thus physically) than I thought. Dean though, is correct.

my life as tetris

Or something like that. So after meeting up with Rob,  The Stray comes calling that evening after work, and he came over and we drank the expensive champagne that he brought, got a bit more beer, watched some wacky YouTube stuff ("You know who Childish Gambino is? WHAT?") and then....did....not...sleep.
Yikes. I let him stay over, and even left him the key to lock himself out - and having his caress in the morning, just even lying in his arms, fully knowing the parameters that exist, and listening to him tell me all the things i (and he, clearly) know I want to hear was, admittedly, a bit mind-blowing. If only because I have been traumatized by emotionally and physically frigid guys, and this kid (much like Rob, actually, sexually active waaaaay early) is insatiable. Which is what I thought I was. Really amazing though to wake up with him next to me. Wish that could be the case all the time, but I'm beginning to really embrace that I'm not the one they ever choose over others. I am a raft. I help people get from place to place. And, in turn, they help me experience life. And relieve stress, sometimes.
Heh. At any rate, he didn't come over tonight, and that's probably good, because trying to sleep with an amazing man in your bed is difficult. Well, it is for me, anyway. Just happy he digs cuddling as much as the other stuff :).
We worked together that evening, and I thought it went well, though I was a little spiky (not to him, to Headserverzel) and while there were subtle caresses early in the night, towards the end of the shift, as he made plans to go play with his friends, it passed. He was working really hard to get in ChefMatt's good graces last night as well, and he seemed to do a damn good job.
Yeah. And apparently that WAS the second time we *danced*. At least I remember this one.
Yeah. we'll see what happens next, cause I literally don't know; and also, these "russian" page hits are kind of freaking me out.I feel like they can't really be from there. Damn you, internets!
Yeah.

drummer de jour

Ah, Rob. One of the all time best hits in the history of Drummers I Have Played With (DIHPW) and had a great evening catching up with him tonight.Really, really good. So many laughs. Such good beer. So good to know people and have this immediate connection. Yeah, I'm a bit giddy, in the best and not unsavory way. really, really good to see my old pal, the kid who was able to make me feel better about myself when NO ONE ELSE COULD.
He's off to a week at Hops School in Yakima, but if I'm lucky we'll be able to meet up again before he heads out - I'd love for him to grab dinner at the restaurant on Thursday. I really know some awesome people, so very thankful they are in the majority.
(this photo from our US tour in '92)
#goodlifeinaday

to be clear

...

...and, again. Got some better intel from the missing evening with The Stray, and while digital documentation (photos! damn these kids! this is why i'm glad there weren't cell phones back when i was...when i was) exists, and some stats remain foggy, it does appear it was fun. Might even meet up with him tomorrow, but first: Rob is coming to town tomorrow!!! So stoked, one of my _favorite_ drummers (yep, that means exactly what one would expect it would mean....him, Rodney, Chris...all special). Billy, almost special (sorta-special?) Rob Smith, turbo amazing, but never actually special. Eric TD appears to be the coolest of all of them...except Mr. Flame, but he's in a class of his own. And Jules, well, she'd probably be special if i went that way. But I don't. Anyway, more fun and adventure. Also, tonight, owner Michael, really pulling out the stops, and The Stray being as sweet as they come. I'm pretty sure M was herding me because he saw The Stray and I talking, but again, I just seem to gravitate to the emo 20-something guys. Or they gravitate to me? And this one? Spectacular. I mention this because i barely mentioned it when it happened in Fresno, so....uh, savor this because it's real, and it's who you are. Who I am. No game, Interlull this weekend, but that's good. The Stray wants to come watch movies too. And the comment that made him get all bashful? When we met in the pass early in the evening tonight and we bobbed and weaved, and I said my usual "Let's dance" and he goes "let's do it" and I say "again" and he totally gets goofy. To the point of mentioning it while we were having beers.
Ok. Enough. But still, helps curb the throbbing pain in the side of my head that stems from an amazingly torn apart heart. No amount of booze or whatever is gonna help this mess. Trust anyone, ever again? Unlikely.

Face this onward now.

admittedly, the sunglasses indoors are unfortunate. but, we all make mistakes, and have been that hungover, right?

...

destructing myths

Starts in my head, apparently. Have let the Tasmanian Devil loose a lot in the last weeks...and the problem always remains, compounded by the most universal of all: where is my car? Yes, my life sometimes resembles an Ashton Kutchner movie in that now that there are separate storage facilities for me and my car, I have, more than once now, awoke not remembering parking my trusty punk rock soccer mom car for the night. Especially disconcerting because of the whole entry/exit process is kind of extensive.So far though, i keep finding it right where it's supposed to be...but those odds get longer each time it happens.
Kids, this isn't any way to live your life. I mention it here to remind myself to get a grip: if you do not learn from your history YOU ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT. Doomed being the operative term.

Truth. Plus, if you drink and black out, you can't remember what you said or did to engage radio silence from your movie buddy, or any of the seemingly amazing details of bringing our favorite busguy (X) home with you and a bottle of champagne. Yeah, good work brain, good work just flipping the "off" switch, way earlier than ever before. Perhaps it's because I have fewer brain cells left? And, the aftermath - literally my brain felt like it was swollen and even breathing hurt all day yesterday. Piecing together the events of the night before? That's the business of 20-somethings, shouldn't be mine. However, even when SG and I have movie nights, we tend to let the 20something parts of our ids take over too - and...well, I may have fucked that up for real this time. But, as my brother keeps patiently intoning: you are not to be in a relationship anyway. Rebuilding. Again. Being emo about someone only leads to trouble, it seems. So obviously I went for the next *best* thing, the sweet, handsome, lovely baritone-voiced guy I work with who is certainly young enough to be my son. De ja vue, indeed.
Additionally, nipped a bit of my thumb off at work, and then promptly grabbed a hot pan with my other hand. Genius award grant money should be pouring in any minute now....rough transition at work, ton of expectation on the horizon, which is fine and good, but my inability to focus currently is an issue. Raspberry scones on the fly :)
Need to get back into that mode, enough dinking around playing rockstar.

“When you acknowledge that there is nothing repulsive or unforgivable or shameful about yourself, it becomes easier to be that authentic person and feel like you’re living a less performed life.”

—	John Green

friends with benefits

HEY PAUL. HOW’S IT HANGING?

PRETTY GOOD, PETE. YOURSELF?

NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, OLD BUDDY. I’M ABOUT ONE MORE 60 HOUR WEEK FROM NIBBLING ON A SHOTGUN, AND I WANT TO GET DRUNK ABOUT IT.

WELL, I’VE GOT OVER 60 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BOURBON BACK HERE, PETE. YOU’RE WELCOME TO TRY THEM ALL. I HAVE YET TO MEET A PROBLEM WHISKEY CAN’T SOLVE.

YOUR EX-WIFE AGREE WITH THAT OUTLOOK?

YOU MEAN MY EX-PROBLEM, THAT’S NOW SOLVED?

YOU’RE A GOOD BARTENDER, PAUL. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT POURING DRINKS. THERE’S A PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECT, PLUS A GOOD DEGREE OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH A COUPLE OUNCES OF BASIL HAYDEN’S?

SEE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

(it should go without saying this is reposted from animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

pound of life

...yeah, Adam strikes again (which is funny, cuz of the Strike Anywhere connection, right?), emo right when and how I need it. Yay. Battling with not being sick today - but got out in the sun, ran errands, bought the hot black elixir of life beans (from Fonte this time 'round, since I have a meeting with their GM on Monday, I thought I'd stop in and take a look, and check their wares), kept car safely locked up, and am just honestly enjoying the play of light on the Smith Tower. It's a really beautiful building, with all the details, watching the sun move across it (and the other buildings in my window) is a bit wonderful, and has even got me reconsidering drawing. Also, chucked more stuff. Met my neighbor (to the right of my door) who has the same name as me, it turns out.
Tomorrow's match is a 5:30am affair, so I won't be at the pub...but will certainly listen/liveblog it, cause it should be a good one, and I haven't figured out a cable option that doesn't require me committing to an insane sports-channel-add-on-fee yet.
Not going to Bumbershoot this year - just really not that interesting a line-up for me, and it seems like fewer venues. Dunno. SG is working his usual stage - a bit over a decade ago, I remember seeing him at 11am on a Sunday at the Flag Pavillion; during a 'shoot, classic stuff. Also, that was the same year I stumbled into Juno and had my life changed, the very same venue. Horrible long plasterwalled box, but always a lucky place to see bands for me at that festival.
Damn I miss those bands so frigging much.

 I know it's getting time to get out and see more music again, now that it's within easy reach - gonna wade in slowly though: Bob Mould and the Old 97's....and then go from there.

SEVEN!

"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." ~Andre Gide

day 6 of 7 at work

today is day 4 of 7 in a row...

...but boy the overtime on the check will be delightful...

Also

Yesterday, during a run to storage and such, I managed to finally dig my iPod out from the frame of the seat of my car, yay! It's like a totally new thing! Can delete music off my phone now.
as of today:
Among other things. Because if the kid believes what her dad is saying is the truth, than it is the truth. and i need to let shit go. again. but, whatever. i tried. i tried every way i know, every way i could think of, and it wasn't enough, AGAIN. He can say that it isn't about me, but clearly, IT IS. In a month you changed life paths with someone you barely know. And threw me aside like a fucking kleenex. The one who fucking broke her spirit trying to make things right with your kid, with you, with the world she knew. And, apparently, World: THAT MEANS NOTHING.
Note to self:: it means nothing. Wait for people to cater to you, apparently, is the message here.
Total bullshit, but i will not be held hostage by social media, and watching people live some sort of crazy online lives. And posting senseless memes. I have brits to watch, winchesters to devour, so whatever.

i think i understand my own mindless doodles finally

Skylines. at night. holy shit. i think i will treat myself to the Bob Mould show next month. So there.

Hometown ghosts

Spending the day (monday, actually which i was called off on so i could work this weekend instead) wandering the city does not suck. Got business stuff done and made some staple purchases, coffee beans, a book, and the like. Sipping coffee outside a cafe is like Paris except I can unfortunately understand the pointless gossip of those around me. Have lost more of my own physical bulk as well, though still above fighting weight, but returning to regular walking is clearly making a big difference. Met Smitty for happy hour beer later in the afternoon, touching base with K2, Charles etc in the interim. Happy to not be a hermit. I like walking. I like living alone. I like not worrying about if someone loves me - knowing that people care: better. SG is off in the mountains for another week, his yearly trek with his father recharging and flyfishing. He called yesterday to say hi from a place he finally got cell service (though the whole goal is to be outside of those areas to begin with) but it was nice to hear his voice.

Oh. And there was this weird thing, when i ambled through Pike Place Market the other day, and arrived at Myrtle Edwards park (just past the craft shit) I turned and walked to cross the street and I swear to the mother of KevSecs that Shay, or a reasonable facsimile of him 10 years down the line was sitting dead center in front of me on the back of a bench. Had sunglasses on, staring right at me, no expression at all. The uh, "stoic" one. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my heart skipped a beat, and not in a happy "OOOH! YAY!" way, but in a "Holy. Shit." sort of way. Which is to say, exactly like the last time I ran into him on the way to work at Repro, and I was freshly married and living sober (hrm, sobriety doesn't always lend itself to clarity, one realizes on reflection, but I digress). That was a weird conversation then, and I had passed him on the street a week earlier before we actually came face to face and spoke that time.
Yes, yes, it's the Market; it could have been any number of Native Guys of a certain vintage, with sunglasses on, wearing the same cargo shorts. With that exact hair, and that exact build. I did 3 double takes, willed shit to evolve, and nothing happened, so I'm gonna assume it was, literally, a ghost, because the fourth time I swung my eyes around he had vanished, much as he often did, in that typical damn raven-y way that also ends up with sage appearing in my mailbox....and (holy shit!) flowers on doorsteps (two days in a row there were roses in the entry way of the building I live in, not on stems, but the whole flowers, set in a row on the front window ledge. First bright crimson ones and the second time a row of yellow ones); but I sat there for a half an hour just staring at the Elliot Bay, watching, listening, and feeling. It was good to have my cage rattled a little. Complacency breeds stupidity and self loathing for me, so to be engaged in the world seems to do wonders - newsflash!
Weird, and yet, exactly why I moved back. I have so much more ease in my being, trying to figure out new ways to look at old problems, wondering what might be possible. I am who I am. Before I have been scared, intimidated, sure no one would "get" me. Even recently, I let the lessons learned in Fresno fade, and it bit me in the ass. Clearly, growth is the preferred direction for me. Sometimes I grow slowly, and sometimes it's lightning fast. The rollercoaster analogy has never been more appropriate.
Now: I get me. You get what you get.

I broke down and gave into a craving for scones yesterday - we had fresh huckleberries in the house so I used those - they turned out amazing - like turbo blueberry scones. Everyone went crazy for them, which is always funny to me, as I thought the texture was a bit off - they were more like Suze's than mine - which would make sense as I used her technique for the first time, actually hand-incorporating the dairy into the mix and then the fruit rather than just using the mixer.
Anyway. They taste really great this morning with coffee & a clear blue sky out my window, all I need is a feral cat to swing by and growl plaintively....

sunday political commentary

IF YOU THINK DRIVING TO A MEDIOCRE CHICKEN SANDWICH JOINT AND PAYING MONEY TO SHOVE FRIED BULLSHIT INTO YOUR HATE HOLE IS THE BEST WAY TO ESPOUSE THE CHRISTIAN VALUES YOU CLAIM TO ADHERE TO THEN I HOPE YOU GET THE MILLIONAIRE MORMON PRESIDENT YOU DESERVE.

(via animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

In breaking news, I have successfully removed the safety latch from my 12th floor window so that I might better enjoy the view of the Sound and also, the sounds of the View. Also, I could now drop small mammals out of it as well. Not that I would, mind you, but I could.
Also, this is pretty delightful :

Though I'm not totally sold on the dark bands on the new kit, but whatever, TV could be wearing a Snuggie and the skipper's band and it would be fine. RVP and Song are gone, which again means the loss of a great song ("Alex Dimitri Sonnnng Billlllong") and, well; a tall Dutch goalscoring machine who admittedly deserves to win at least one trophy before he retires, having been jacked for pretty much everything else in his career. (Though a not-so-secret part of me does hope his chocolate leg makes an appearance for Fergie this year)
So far my fantasy team is tanking in points my hesitancy to choose Nasri in particular botched it for me. Little bastard, scoring in the first game. Ah well, I'll tweak it next week. I'm mid-table in all leagues.
Also, there's still Arshavin. Let the Russian pagehits continue!

new season

...and Fado, a mere 3 blocks away, shows the games live. And I have Saturdays off still. And, I can hear the Sounders' Supporters rally, beffore the March to the Match on Occidental, not to mention the singing and chants from the stadium itself. Kind of amazing. If I was in Islington, it'd be Arsenal chants. Might have new job already - though it's a bit early for me to leave this first spot, if the opportunity is better $-wise and doesn't involve me baking full time in production mode, it would mean working 8 blocks away, and I'd kind of dig that. Plus new place has medical and 401k and opportunities for other locations to be established. Sweet. Loving all the other downsizing in my life right now, less stuff, more feels. Really good. Happy the footy is back on too, and got my wireless hooked up with just hours to spare, woohoo! Back to more regular posting - relying on mobile for blogging isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Born on this day.

So, I get to pat myself on the back, as last fall I promised myself I would be in a new apartment, in downtown Seattle before my next birthday. I did it. By the skin of my teeth, but I did it. I moved up when I planned, I stayed with the brother as long as planned, got to fast track the youngest nephew into my world, got a kick ass job that looks already like its going to transition into an even more kick ass job, already! I mean, that always happens, but this time in less than 90 days?!? Wtf? I mean, it's in progress, I'll probably finish the year at this spot, but then it's off to secure my future, and work 10 blocks from home! Woot!
Also the visit from Dawny has been fantastic - we picked up where we left off, we had great fun, and she helped my slay a demon by fixing the Hopey tattoo. Not only was it sloppily done (because I was in a hurry and went to a guy I didn't know to do it) so didnt hold up well, getting all blotchy...but it's te time it represents. I got that tattoo the night before my first real date with SMRGE. That period, that season has passed...but I love Hopey, I love my history (even when it is appropriated by others. I know who I am, what I did, where I went and what I mean to people. You can glom on to it and repackage it as your own, but in the end, it's just more false bullshit) and I wanted to also memorialize Dawn and I reuniting, so I asked her to frame Hopey in her signature Victorian-y swirly black fine line filigree work. It's fucking beautiful. Changed the energy of the piece to what it should be: a celebration of my best friend, my life experiences, and my love of punk rock. It is no longer a sad stamp of a hasty decision. Best birthday since getting the invite to stage at Upstairs. Yay.

Affirmation: I am good.

for your ears...

sounds great at night, staring at the skyline. helps. heal. wounds:
alabama shakes at the Newport Folk Festival
Eight more flavors of awesome. Things change. Hold on.

Sometimes all it takes is a glimpse of something in the right place at an unexpected moment. This time, it was a mail truck coming out of a street onto Highway 9, which I had mistakenly decided to use as "the scenic route" today - and all of the sudden, in this area I grew up in, on the roads with no sidewalks (much less shoulders) with greenery that grows to your waist in all directions, even at the height of summer, during a day where there were thunderstorms while the sun shone I was hit with this intense feeling of nostalgia. Nostalgia for waiting for the mail to arrive.
It's weird, as I think about it, how important the mail has been in my life. When I first moved to Seattle from southern California with my family, I wrote letters to my best friend every week. I journaled incessently, and subscribed to Rolling Stone and Creem. Even when I was younger, and we moved from the suburbs to the ranch community in the hills outside of LA, I had a subscription to Tiger Beat and also Dynamite magazines, that I waited on with such anticipation. I read them over and over, memorizing all the latest news and cultural ephemera. When I began writing letters regularly, in junior high, I realized that much communication among punks and creative types was happening via letters and fanzines: which could be as simple as copied sheets of paper with photos taped on, loosely modeled on the newspaper layout I was learning in school in both junior and senior high schools (yes, AV and Paper Staff Photog nerd, that was my gig). I started responding to ads for pen pals in zines and magazines like Star Hits (yes...the '80s were a magical time of foppish brit-teen mags and skater 8x11's folded in half with one staple in the center). I lived for the mail to arrive, letters from friends, magazine transmissions that would link me to what was happening in music and politics, and even ordering things like records, sunglasses, everything I could. Every day I expected something, and knew what time (generally) the mail would come...in the summer, waiting patiently, tiptoeing in bare feel through the carport to see if the flag was down on the mail box yet (because usually I was sending something out into the world as well). I had a small thrill early in the days of MTV when I actually won a free xmas button bearing the simple M on a green background with the candy-cane "tv" logo - it was a prized badge that I wore constantly...until I gave it to a boy I liked, setting a tone for my romantic endeavors that still rings true to this day. Hey, Ty Moe, if yr out there, I want my badge back!
Anyway, as I drove I thought about how I don't look forward to mail much anymore - generally the only mail I'm happy to receive involves some sort of monetary exchange...I do love sending packages and letters though. I sent an awesome Valentine's package this year. Not that it mattered in the long run, but it was so fun to put together, and brought back that thrill of wanting to surprise someone special. Dawn, who I'll be seeing in a couple days, and I spent years sending packages and flyers and odd cards and found objects to each other. Darell and I would exchange multi-page letters every week - I remember vividly getting stressed if more days than normal passed before something arrived: was it lost? Being in a band, we booked whole tours, and did the bulk of promotion and communication via the mail. Interviews. Selling records, all of it.
I dunno where to go with this right at the moment, but I just had this intense feeling of pity for people who haven't known the joy of expecting mail. Of communication in that way, the lovely excitement of holding something in your hands that someone wrote, to you. Of their feelings on paper, to be read, and re-read. Art and trinkets to be shared, displayed, treasured. In this age of amazing technology, I miss the rush of expecting mail, of having something to look forward to...yeah. More soon maybe. I just will miss the USPS when it's gone. It's amazing that you can put a piece of cardboard that you've written a message to someone on into a box, and that it will travel around the world. Amazing. That sort of communication, that sort of connection seems archaic, I know, but it also seems so much more...what? Genuine? Not that I don't love the speed and ease of the internet and cellphones, etc, and am glad for the people it's brought back into my life...it also has taken some of the mystery away as well, some of the romance of sharing bits of yourself over time and growing close....its not better, its just different, and like so many things will merely be something I remember from my early life just like my parents remember when radios started becoming replaced by televisions. Only way, way faster.

Luckily, I have plenty of Supernatural to get through before this happens. Also, K2 coming in October! The hits just keep coming!

same as the first time....

“Growing up, you make all sorts of rules and morals for yourself that are based on arbitrary concepts and assumptions, but not on real experience. All these rigid ideas about how to live, the way relationships should be, the way the world works. Especially when you grow up punk. Then experience comes along to make mincemeat out of your morals. Everything does not fit into your pre-packaged plan. Everything you rallied and preached against now seems sort of warm and cuddly.”

—

From Cometbus #41 (1997)

can't help it; makes smiles.

THE SUBLIME BEAUTY OF THE NATURAL WORLD IS FUCKING OBNOXIOUS.

via

daily events prompt no response from populace....still.

current feels

i see london...

I'm not a big fan of the Olympics, as it seems very forced and farcical given the hostilities around the world and the fact that for two weeks everyone pretends to get along, for the sake of sports (?) - though it does provide some diversion and of course this year i recognize some of the soccer players in all the different national team's names, but sorting through the ephemera of news-y stuff, i found this (2nd of two parts) bit of video about the bell built for the opening ceremonies, which is the largest harmonically tuned bell ever built...pretty frigging cool:

So, in the industry, it's known as "in the weeds"; for me, it was wigging out, full-on, channeling some serious evil CG mojo, because every time GMB joked about not burning a pizza...i inevitably did. And then, I swear he was calling tickets willy nilly and changing his mind, but you can't challenge a chef mid-service, so i just put my head down and plowed through. Horrible, horrendous night. I have grown to really hate Thursdays following He Who Is Supposed To Be Fired. Yeah. I was behind the 8-ball to start with, and it just got worse when GMB got pissy. Anyway, the beauty is that eventually, I get to close the station, have my beer and shot, commisserate with Nathalie, (and, it turns out, Xavier, who chatted a bit about Ashley which was funny and nice, and the back rub was appreciated as well :) and then going home listening to KEXP, where they were playing "In A Big Country", which made me smile like crazy. Goddamn, I love this town.

Not that I was a huge Big Country fan or anything, but that song is so evocative of my formative years in this town, and having been in contact with the OK Hotel about renting a place there, and telling them how much living there would mean to me...I dunno, I just couldn't stop smiling, all the way home. What a fun song. 4 minutes home, how great is that? And soon, no more driving...I hope. Unless the buses are really sketchy. Gonna try it out next week, but I needed to be in early today. So. Yeah. That.

 

weds night meet up

with charles and lia, sushi, new spot on the Hill that I wasn't stoked about. Meh. Back to Ha Na for me. Strolled around though, such a beautiful night, the three musketeers back in business, stopped at the new place that sells premade local stuff and has a big grass cow in front (photo ops! sent immediately to SF!) and as we were walking back we ran into Todd and Fisher, so that was nice too - catching up and laughing.
More later, certainly. Bummed I just found out about Ok Hotel being available to live in now...but maybe next year or something...we'll see, though i'd really not have to move again for a while.

and this.

Ok, so I had to get blindingly drunk, crash at Sous Matt's house, and drive home this afternoon to find my recipe book lying on the floorboard of my car, behind the passenger seat. WTF, Universe? I tore that car apart (or thought I did) a week ago, and then, when I finally behave in a (somewhat moderately) responsible behavior (for a change) - it comes back to me.
I'll take it. Horrendously hungover though it is my day off....yeah.

blogging is for this.

WHAT ARE YOU? ARE YOU COFFEE?

DON’T TALK TO ME IF YOU’RE NOT COFFEE.

NO, I MEAN IT. GO BECOME COFFEE OR FUCK OFF.

(animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

in another example of the universe having a go at me, i seem to have lost my notebook - the one that has 8 years worth of recipes, ideas and notes in it. The closest thing i have to a bible. I wasn't even drunk. I merely put too much stuff in my poorly-packed bag and apparently it fell out either between the restaurant and the car (literally, 500 feet) or the car and the apartment (about 1/4 of a block). I am heartbroken. Luckily, it's not only a feeling I am familiar with but also one i have tools to deal with now.
The Chelsea match was fun - I wore my Arsenal kit (I saw 3 others in Arsenal gear, one Liverpool kit, and several Barca shirts among the SEA of Chelsea kits, which was shocking) and was told "You are really brave!" and then a couple of high-fives (the anti-chelsea contingent!) and a couple of guys in the beer garden even gave me a "C'mon Arsenal" (which, while it sounds like a dig, is actually a chant we do when we are down or on the backfoot mid-match) which totally made me smile. The sis-in-laws friends were nice and the seats were great. It really, really, really makes me pine to see my Gunners live - you really can see everything, and hear them too.
Met up with Charles pre-match, and got in trouble with his *wife* who told us to "go play outside" the store, since we were just hanging out in the back area chatting while Charles painted the walls and did his magic genie remodel thing.

After the game, headed to West Seattle for movie night. Tried to watch a Liam Nieeson movie, but ended up  with the Winchester boys in the background, after i got a scolding for watching episodes out of order (can't mess with the canon, I should know that as a Whovian:). He also told me about a show he's (finally) playing in Stanwood, showed me his new bike (not a euphanism) and of course, videos of the kid and the usual etc.

annnnnd....

Rob, Boy DC Drummer is going to visit in September!!! Stoked! He and I got along really well, and he hung in through the toughest times; did the full US Tour and the 2nd Eurodisastour with the Norwegians, so when we got in touch a year or two ago, we spent an easy 3 hours on the phone the next day. He brews beer for a living now, and is coming to Washington to go to a hops festival in Yakima, which is cool. Holy crap, this is amazing. My life is unfolding in ways I hadn't imagined. I thought all these people were lost to the mists of time! Plus, my new pals like me too! People love the food I make. Had a woman make a point of coming to my station to compliment the calzones. And bought me a glass of wine. Totally awesome. i get lots of dessert kudos, but that was particularly fun one being for savory stuff, and  because of the rep the calzones have, especially between Candance (my favorite of our bartenders) and I...we got caught snickering, but saved the situation, and turned it into a free drink for me, and a great tip for her. GO GirlPower! Yeah, and she and I had a spirited conversation (about boys, of course) tonight after closing. I work with some awesome folks this time around. Happy. 3 days to new digs. YES. But tomorrow: Chelsea vs. Sounders. Woot!

Mom and brother had a great time, loved their food (halibut with beans and gnocci for her, buccatini for him plus antipasti, the roasted green beans, duck pizza and dessert sampler), sat at my station, and it was awesome, until we got hit hard and then I had to focus. But still, so great to make people I love feel good.All the servers were awesome ("Your family is so nice!" was the consensus) to them (they had a rough night otherwise) and yeah, I picked a good place to work. So stoked. Sous Matt was so sweet and complimentary when he spoke to them, and I even introduced them to Claudio, the backbone who makes our pasta, cheese and crackers, and does the dishes, yet rarely gets any kudos. It was fun.
Also, got the request to come to West Seattle, but ultimately, the wear and tear of the WestSeattleFest kept us on the down-low, but it's ok. There are plenty of episodes to watch :)
(Tomorrow is actually better for me anyway).

Never get tired of homes with these lying in wait....can't see the headstock that has an odd tuning key because apparently this special issue model is especially hard to replace parts for...nonetheless, pretty lovely, and chicks dig scars :)
Also, looking forward to service tonight - Mom and Scott are headed down to the restaurant - can't wait for them to see my new digs....as they were also visitors to Lantana as well (though not together, which was pretty cool too) so they have some context. The big leap will be when Mark & Co show up, as I trust he will hit it off with Mike The Owner like crazy, but tonight is for the A Team!