el dorado

At the behest of SMRGE (and my own nagging conscience) I set the Rickenbacker out of the case and placed it on the stand tonight – where it admittedly hasn’t been at all in this house , (I have taken it out about once a year, just to dink around when drunk and melancholy about a life once lived) though it did live out in K2’s house and in the townhouse (where it stood sentry in the extra bedroom, where Scraps chose to sleep at night once she became too sensitive to sleep on the bed with me). I kept it out like a piece of art though, rarely touching it. It was just comforting to have it there…for a while. I had the SG out as well, and for almost 3 months, played the 3 chords I knew, and strummed like crazy. I had to sell that guitar though, because the only real history I had with it was entwined with SMRGE and I was in the business, then, of un-entwining. Also, I needed cash. Two of the great truths of musicianship, poverty and instruments as short term equity.

I would never sell the bass. It is…a singular reminder of a time and space that I inhabit always. It was my passport to a life I never imagined living, and even now, sometimes feel like it’s something I read about once, or a movie I saw a long time ago. The history I have with it, is all mine, with plenty of guest stars along the way, but the memories it evokes are not bound to anyone else or place, just me, and it together. As SMRGE reminded me this evening, an old friend who has been through so many adventures.

It is the only bass you see me playing in photos (though I also briefly had a baby blue Epiphone, and also very, very briefly a Fender, but both felt so foreign and I never really felt the need to have a “back up “ bass, so I shed them both in short order) – with the exception of the one photo I have of my very first gig. My very first gig was opening for DOA at the Depot in Arcata, California.

That show I rocked a ¾ size bass that was I believe gleaned from a Sears store in Eureka, or somewhere similar. It was all we could afford and enabled me to learn the songs a little faster. I played with DOA three times in the first year I played in Agent 86….and then once more in Seattle…and then never again.

((Joey is selling the DOA van (“Reid Fleming”) – they’ve had it for 23 years. I remember (and experienced one of my earliest sensations of dying while) riding in the step van they had before that. It’s amazing to think about those times. Visiting Vancouver was one of the great early joys of my punk rock life – visitng the World’s Fair with DOA’s manager Ken, and his girlfriend at the time, Kris. Watching fireworks from Dave Gregg’s front porch just across the road from the Expo fairgrounds. As we drank beer and talked politics and did various controlled substances, I remember Dave telling us that everyone one of the fireworks was the cost of a hospital bed that the government was spending.))

The Rickenbacker found me wandering in a music store in Dupont Circle in Washington DC. We had just relocated, and per usual, we were hunting for a drummer and a practice space. I hadn’t planned to get a new bass, but as I recall, when I was cajoled into trying out basses, it was the El Dorado that called to me. Heavy, and with a completely different profile than the typical Rick basses, it also sounded incredible through a Marshall, a warm sound that I like to call brown. It made me feel feminine, that bass – I felt like I was rocking a bigger instrument, that it could protect me from the onslaught that might come. I liked that no one had ever seemed to have seen one before. I’m a sucker for unique looks.

What’s hard about this is that…I have all these really brief memories of so many shows, but not a lot of coherent ones. What I suppose is most important is how comfortable I became with that bass, even if I wasn’t comfortable with the actual playing of it. That sounds odd, right? That I was comofortable with it, and yet not? Put it like this: when I knew what I was playing, there was nothing better than making that sweet rumble, and of having its weight around my shoulder.

So many stories, and yet it’s all fragments. What’s most pressing right now, is getting back in touch with it – I have been considering all the different things I did to try and ease the pain over the years, and one of them was to set aside my personal connection to music in that way. My appreciation and love for instruments and the people who create with them is still alive and well, just not especially well-tended. That is changing, things are reawakening all around me, and for that I am pleased.

Just a quick shot after Titi's goal today against Sunderland, but all my favorites are here, Bacary, Rambo, RVP (can't see Verminator's face,but just knowing he's got the same smile as the rest of them) and Arteta, who is fitting in so nicely! It's just awesome to see them react and be happy as a team, because early in the season, there was none of this. 13 more games guys, let's do more of this enjoying-playing-our-game thing.

Yes, this is what is commonly known as "food porn" - but for me, it's actually even more than that. It's a reminder of what I aspire to be within the career of "cooking".
No, I don't fancy myself a molecular gastronomist or even a pastry chef who builds architectural wonders, and the reason I admire people like Chef Achatz is because of their approach about eating. About what it means to enjoy, and most of all, experience food.  When I watch this (or any of the Next or Alinea videos that are uploaded) I am not simply struck by the beauty of the food, or the presentation - though both are, admittedly wonderful and certainly inspiring in terms of technique.
What gets me worked up, almost to the point of tears, is the intensity of the kitchen. Of knowing how much effort, practice and concentration is needed to execute at that level. To bring the concepts to fruition requires not only the most stellar products (the height of the season, carefully transported and stored) and technique knife skills that honor the product and don't waste the animal's life, or break down veggies into uniform and perfect pieces; using temperature to bring the item to it's fullest potential, (cooking, or not); being able to time everything and get all the dishes for a table ready to go out at the same time..the thing that I find most romantic about it is The Dance.
That is, the getting through the day, through prep, through service, through the breaking down of the stations. In any kitchen, it is a wild ride, busy action, people under pressure to get it done, get it right and get it out. The intensity is addictive, I find. In the better kitchens I've been in, when everyone shares the same level of commitment to the food and to the guest, it is particularly acute. We specifically call service a Dance, because usually, you are in a small place with several people, all trying to get things done with fire and knives and plates and people calling orders, running out of things, dishwashers darting around to pick up dirty dishes, and cooks locked in on their tickets, juggling 18 things at once and it literally becomes a dance as you negotiate your way through the night.
When I watch the video above, its the shots in the kitchen that make my heart flutter - to be a part of a team that is so focused. Surely it's as exhilarating as it is exhausting. There are some videos where more focus is on the kitchen itself, and what strikes me is the quiet - there are well over 35 people in that place, and it's like a library - and I do mean library - people are busy, busy studying, paying attention to their work. I've been lucky enough to work in a kitchen where creativity and focus were primary motivators, but it was a small crew and a blissfully large space (I had no way of understanding at the time how lucky we were working in a kitchen with wide aisles, skylights and room to spare). To watch the cooks at Alinea, all going about their work in what seems like a seamless precision - it makes me giddy. It also casts my current position in a shadow. What I desire, versus what I have. Having had a taste of those sorts of kitchens makes wiping the dried mashed beets off the handle of the mixer and finding the uncovered half-empty container of sliced red onions left amongst the cake pans by the guy before me in my station makes keeping my motivation a bit of a struggle. I know that my expectations aren't shared by everyone, and Life is not a wish-granting factory. However, if there are any wishes left in my queue - I'd like to use one up on being able to land in a kitchen with pride and focus in what they do. In a kitchen that has a mission to create an experience for the guest. Chef Achatz, who has captured the sense of whimsey and technique - has brought many facets of experience to fine dining, I most recently read that he was working on a way to incorporate music into courses - as you would with wines - different music evoking different emotions linked to the food being presented. It's the antithesis of mobile truck food, and yet it isn't - it's a way of offering an experience, unique and special to people, and I think it's an amazing way to approach it. I suppose this begs an Achatz appreciation post - which I guess was where I was headed...but mostly it's a mash note to the ideal kitchen. As I get ready to move on again, and find a new place to ply my trade, I want to reawaken my original mission statement for myself - and to keep true to my values. Currently, I am lucky to be working with some good quality product, all organic, if not always completely seasonal. It's missing though, that one piece - the vision, the creative unity of the crew producing the food. Without dragging out older, less delicate kitchen cliches (let's just say that Chef Bourdain's masterwork, Kitchen Confidential is just that, and for good reason) I want people who appreciate the idea that prepping your own mis-en-place is important: if you spend 20 minutes mincing shallots, you are a hell of a lot less likely to drop them on the floor or dump them in food indiscriminately. That's where I want to be. I don't expect to ever be at the level of a kitchen like Alinea or Next, but only because I got such a late start in this career - however, I know for a fact that there are hundreds of chefs in Seattle who share my core values - I just have to find them and make my case to be a part of their team.

ping pong

Hey! I posted over at the other one tonight, cause of context and stuff.

In the meantime, this is just one more reason to love Ira Glass:

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”
― Ira Glass

I'm thinking about some stuff...

...still haven't got it all worked out yet...

but it's in-process, which is pretty damn exciting.

seasonal offering

Okay. The new cupcake mentioned a while back (this is seriously the first time I have ever demoed an item so far in advance - it feels like a million years ago right now) made it's debut yesterday - and apparently was a resounding hit.
Go figure, I was not as stoked as one might imagine (you might want to get a cup of coffee now, cause there's gonna be some kvetching for the next couple of  'graphs). Mostly because, while I'm happy with the idea, and the execution (that being a rare case to begin with) - I don't think it's a great cupcake. To be honest, in terms of taste, I thought the chocolate peppermint "hot cocoa" was far more interesting, and thought it had a better look. This, the "schoolyard crush" or "pb&j" as it was dumbed-down to for ease of use, is a simple vanilla cake filled with cranberry-orange jam, topped with peanut butter and the candy conversation hearts I made to garnish.
It seemed though, that not one person ever tried the previous seasonal offerings. Not one front of the house person, not one cook, not one cafe manager ever tried the damn things. They didn't seem interested. Same with the gingerbread, the filled halloween one we did where i made the sugar skull garnishes and even the coconut-lime, which is on the permanent menu now, I'm pretty sure most of the staff has never tried - luckily a few customers have made a point to share with me how much they like it.
Today though, it was completely different. I had a manager and three staff members all tell me how great it was - one guy told me it was "a yummy explosion in my mouth" (??!!?). The cafe manager, who has previously been a bit of a thorn in my paw about trivial matters, was elated, telling me she had "fantastic feedback about the new cupcake" which I take to mean one of the owners must have eaten it and liked it.
Now, I don't want to seem like a complete egomaniac, but of course they did. I do not cook crappy shit. Or, if for some reason i'm having an off night and i do, i destroy it and do it again until it is amazing. Because that is how i was brought in, it's how i was trained, it's why i do this. Nothing will get me to be a jerk to a server faster than them asking me if something I created (note i didn't say "made"; sometimes, i gotta cook stuff i didn't create, and it's not great. that's a different thing)  "is any good."
The delightful (normally, anyway) Hector said that to me today, after his coworker made the expolding-in-my-mouth remark, and i responded as i am wont to: "No Hector, it sucks. because that's what I do, I make shit food for you to sell" and dutifully rolled my eyes. Is it really any good? Am I a clown? Do I amuse you?
It was not a very Buddhist reaction from me, to say the least. He grinned uncomfortably and backtracked, stammering a little, and I realized, fair enough, some of the stuff we bake is kind of dull (again, not the stuff I created, and I assure you, I am working my way through tuning all of those recipes) - so i relented and told him how I created it ("awww, that's so great") and that i made not only the cake and garnish, but also the jam inside - we purchase jam for the cafe for other uses, (not baking!) so that seemed to be a big deal for him as well. It's always interesting to me how differently people react when you share information about what they are eating and it allows them to appreciate it more. I had a call from another cafe manager, who also said that the staff had tried the cupcake and though it was amazing. A pattern was emerging - suddenly front of the house staff were tasting things! holy crap batman, we may have progress!
I have been mentioning to the General Manager for some time that I though if the staff were more familiar with the products they'd be able to speak to guests and sell more effectively. Apparently someone finally bought it. So, chalk one up for our side. Go BOH!
One of the things i miss most about a full-service restaurant is Line-Up. Just before service, better restaurants will have all the staff come together to go over the menu, any additions/subtractions, wines, etc. The kitchen usually provides a sample of the specials so the servers can understand the plates and taste the food, ideally so they will be able to speak to the customer with some sort of understanding of what they are presenting.
Especially at Lantana, where we had an especially fun front of the house, line-up was the best part of the night. Most were really into food already, and if they weren't they wanted to be. It was always great to set the evening's specials out, have them ooh and ahhh, and taste - answer any questions, and then send them off to the dining room to be the ambassador for your dish. Nothing better for the ego than having a server come back breathless about how much the table loved it, and could you come out, they'd really like to meet you.
Yeah, that's a thing that used to happen. Now, sometimes I'll be in the dining room doing my production plan for the evening, and a server will direct a guest to me, and they will tell me how much they enjoyed a cupcake or something. It's nice, but different. I yearn to be back in a busy service, adrenalin pumping until you're finally done (and as the pastry person, you are always the last one done) and then that wash of exhaustion, relief, and victory (if you're lucky) once it's over.
Sure, it's self-indulgent, but when your mission statement is to provide guests with a fantastic dining experience, and you do - then it's worth being proud of, I think. All I can hope is that we can move the cafe staff up a little notch in the art of appreciating food and understanding the effort that goes into what we, at least are doing.
Hopefully.

profile of the hidden talent

Interestingly, it would appear that action does, in fact breed more action. Lately, as I'd been posting more frequently due to a recent upsurge in my hopes and dreams for the future (!) and as part of an overall attempt I had started in December to try and drag myself out of a bit complacency that had set in as the new job became normal, it appears this blog is getting more hits.
Granted, it could be just posting Tim Minchin's name, or videos, or linking to David Tennant photos, the Arsenal mentions, or maybe even a certain special someone doing some research...at any rate, the blogger stats aren't very detailed, and all the referring sites seem to be horrible pop up ads that are probably infecting my computer, but still, there's one bit of information that's kind of interesting. It would appear I'm getting hits from Russia (the former Soviet Union if the crap referring map is to be believed). So, this one is for you guys. I need to talk about your National Team captain and Arsenal midfielder (though lately relegated to the wing, which he clearly hates) Andrei Arshavin.

First off, I love the Little Russian for his character alone. His website (http://arshavin.eu/en/discuss.php?fid=15) and the "ask Andrei" section is pure gold. He is a funny, somewhat acerbic guy, and his pure Russian-ness is fantastic. It never stops being amusing. Few footballers have that sort of genuine, honest personality, much less an ability to laugh at themselves. When he was a student in St Petersburg, he studied fashion design, though football became his focus. He's a talented player, tough as nails (famously saying he "heals like dog" when he literally was playing with a bleeding foot a couple years ago, staying on the pitch to continue the match after having the docs just wrap his stomped foot up so he could play on) he's inventive, quick, and low-to-the-ground (ok, short) who, on a great day, moves like that Messi kid from Argentina. he's also the Russian national team captain, and once scored 4 goals in a single game for us against Liverpool:

That, however was 2009, his first year (mine too!) with Arsenal...and it hasn't been the same since. He's gone through a couple of dips in form before, but recently it's been really bad, and it seems the home fans (Away fans would never do this, I suspect) are booing him now. Terribly sad that the crowds can turn like that when a player has a bad run. Sure, they are professionals and should be expected to give 100% all the time - but what if this is one hundred percent of what Andrei can give right now? If he's as sensitive as the rest of the players seem to be, certainly the team crisis has affected him. Surely he's got to be wondering why we haven't brought new high-quality players in and instead seem to be trying to garage-sale our way through Arsene's last season(s). Or perhaps it's his homelife, reportedly he's never been especially happy in London (though he's said differently in the press last year)...maybe he's just sick of playing out of his natural position, no matter how brilliant Arsene's plans are. We can't know. But to hear any of our players booed, in the home stadium is disturbing. It happened to Eboue, who was driven to tears after fans went ballistic on him when he cost us a close game; and then slowly but surely battled back into the squad and into the fans' hearts as a sort of a wacky mascot/squad player, who later inspired the Cult of Eboue (when the fans would sing "we've only come to see Eboue"). True, it went back into a slump as the numbers of mistakes grew again, but he was never booed as savagely as after that first incident.  It also happened to Alex Song, who was simply didn't have a match of experience to go with raw talent, and would make horrendous errors and would be booed...now, he's considered a linchpin in the midfield, though he still only scores the occasional goal. Now Alex Song Billong has songs sung for him by the crowd. For both of those players, it was early in their careers; however, with Arshavin, this is in his sunset period - he's almost 30. He won't likely go to a bigger club after Arsenal. He'll probably just go back to Zenit, where he came from, and it's a shame. There is so much potential in our number 23, and yet, it continues to be untapped. What will it take to get Andrei to rise, phoenix-like from the ashes of the last couple of seasons, and start creating the goals that he was known for when he arrived? What can we do to wake him up? Or will we just have to wait until he hits the very bottom of whatever unfortunate situation that is keeping his head out of the game (and him out of interviews)? Will it come soon enough to gel with the current incarnation of the squad - one where he should surely be at the top of the pack in terms of experience and talent? Here's hoping he comes back, because when he does, it will be a treat, that much we've seen.

It appears that I blog in the same way as Arsenal currently plays: somedays a wonderful achievement, a win that seems effortless and based in an innate natural ability that comes together to produce the desired result. Other days, it's as if an odd performance anxiety has set in, or a malaise that it will "just happen" if one simply shows up.
Yeah, the last week I kind of lost my shooting boots. It's not as if there's nothing to write about. In fact, there is a revelation that taps into one of my most basic beliefs and also causes (if that's a word one still uses these days) - the plight of Planned Parenthood, and currently, in light of the Komen Foundation's revelations that they don't support funding for Planned Parenthood.
There are few things in this universe that incense me more than the issue of Planned Parenthood being funded, and in conjunction the political conservatism that has made it normal to use the phrase "anti-abortion". Seriously. I have given up most fights, but this is one that really fucking pisses me off. As if anyone is "pro-abortion"  you useless, bible-thumping control freaks who are so busy calling people names and fighting for the "rights" of the unborn; who you promptly abandon fighting for as soon as they become "born" and need the right to be fed, housed, educated, employed and see the doctor. I am not a fan of the word hate, but if there is one aspect of American culture I hate it's the remedial christian dog-and-pony-show that masquerades as a conservative political movement. Hell, I'm just gonna say it: something seemed odd about the Komen Foundation from the get-go, and I think it was the emphasis on pink shit to buy "in support of breast cancer awareness" - which seems more than a little convoluted to begin with, or perhaps the huge amount of money a person who wants to "walk for the cure" has to provide up front to participate. That's right, Susan G. Komen's peeps have set a minimum price you must pay in order to participate in their particular fundraising and awareness-raising. Because it'd be crazy to have people who only had a few sponsers and could only rustle up $300 to donate while they walked the 5k or whatever participate, spread the word and PROVIDE FUNDING. You wouldn't want just any old supporter of breast cancer research out there representing your precious pink ribbon now would you?
Also, if you don't set those minimums, how on earth will the office space and company cars get paid for?
It reminds me of Jim Bakker, who I have gone on about before. Even Bakker was more honest than the Komen Foundation, who takes money "in support of women" and then actively avoids ensuring the actual, tangible healthcare support provided at reasonable cost all over this country that Planned Parenthood provides. I don't mean to get too graphic, but damn, do you know how much a mammogram costs these days? It's no joke. Pap smears? Simple treatment for infections?
At least Bakker told you up front: you give me the thousand dollars, I tell God to reserve a place in heaven for you, and you get a timeshare at bibleworld or Heritage USA, whatever.
Dammit. I knew those pink ribbons were bullshit, and even typing this now, I realize I should sit quietly with it and reason out a better presentation of my feelings, but to be honest, it's difficult. I want to write something now. I've seen links everywhere, drawing attention to the hypocrisy that is the SGK Foundation, and so that's a big win for the internet. Word (via NPR) is there has been a donation spike to PP which is even better, and as much as it always seems to take something like this to get people to do it, it turns out that the bulk of the people in this country do in fact support a woman's right to choose healthcare options from several public providers. Better still, it also seems to be sick and tired of giant "foundations" raising money for research and yet mostly using it to sustain the foundation staff. All on the back of the people who have been affected by breast cancer..
There are other organizations this sort of thing happens to - but few are as horribly flawed as this. So much effort, so many glitzy ads, so much branded merchandise - is anyone really surprised that it turns out the only think SGK Foundation is truly trying to promote is iteself rather than the actual safety and health of the women they pressure into their pink-baseball-hat-wearing army?
For a much more eloquent and well-researched piece on why SGK Foundation is just another example of corporate greed using fear and guilt to raise funds to keep themselves employed, please go here: http://www.ginandtacos.com/2012/02/02/race-for-the-cure-to-being-relevant/

Segovia, Spain. On the to-do list...

Love & Marriage....

So, yeah. Marriages end, or break down - Seal & Heidi, Russell & Katy, Blurb & Dooce, Demi & Ashton, Kim & Thurston...and what always sort of sticks with me is how it apparently can happen to anyone, no matter how "healthy" or "happy" they seem (or how rich & successful). I am, in a very, very unexpected place right now - a place most people tell you is a fairy tale, and impossibility. A place that some people do visit in their relationships - my parents even, though it was a far less protracted split/separation that happened after he had an affair, she kicked him out, he slept on the boat for a couple of weeks, had a bit of a think about things and came back. She loved him and forgave him, and trusted him when he said he wasn't going to make the mistake again, that he realized what was important and what he truly wanted. The good news is that they were infinitely more happy together after that, sharing their lives and interests in ways I had never seen them do as a kid. The bad news is that his history of ignoring his health bit them in the ass, and he was gone at 58. However - at least they had that time to be together, happy, and loving; and not angry and hostile fighting it out or lonely and bitter apart. There's something to be said for living in the present, enjoying the time you do have together, if you are able to.
I would be remiss if I didn't note the stark parallels in my own personal narrative right now. My willingness to bring my ex-husband back into my life is based in the simple fact that I loved him dearly when I met him, though I wasn't completely able to functionally do it, because, simply put, I wasn't too crazy about myself. Sure, in the abstract, I'm suitably enamored of my personae, my ability to take on challenges and survive. Blah, blah, blah. But, that sort of ends up making you a bit of a lab rat, waiting for the next mystery dose to see what the effects are. Doses administered by others.
It would be lovely if we all came to relationships all shiny and new. But we don't. When we are young, we are products of our parent's relationships, media input, of hideous playground hijinks and highschool pressure. As we connect with people and disconnect, we learn a little bit more, but we also put on a little bit of armor each time, to protect us from being hurt in the same way again. That's where it gets tricky for me. The armor. Mine was papier mache - his, lead. Mine looked plenty strong, but in reality was useless. His was heavy and poisonous. No matter how hard we tried to let the connection grow, it seemed our separate poorly constructed armor made it impossible.
In the end, people seem to split up when they just don't know what to do anymore. At the very least distance can give a chance to rebuild, to rethink. Most people, it seems just move on, find a new person to be with, and that works - I know a lot of successful second marriages.What I'd like to know, though, is how many people reconcile. Reconciliation is a risky choice for a lot of people - it requires admitting bad choices, understanding the pain of what you've done, but also, it can be such a strong foundation.
As I said in a text to SMRGEv2.0 yesterday it is "epic" - and he responded that we "are lucky for what a lot of people lack" - because - we've both been through some crazy bad shit and can share that experience. Having apologized and expressed his desire for me to know that he was wrong and that we did have something special, that's a crucial choice, a decision that opens up a whole new road for us to travel.
We can rebuild the relationship and learn from our past, how exciting is that? Pretty fucking exciting.That, folks, is evolving. It's learning and living and not staying in a morose spin of depression and frustration. This is about living.
The issues he deals with are his own, and I know now that all I can do to really, truly help is to live as well as I know how, and to share that with him. It's strange to be in this place now - I've said before, I had never, ever expected him to return, convincing myself that I had been misguided in my choice; that my ability to understand what was important was faulty.What is unfolding now is another journey, made difficult by distance, but also, because it does require more effort, perhaps a good thing. To fall into each other's arms again immediately, and not explore the ouchy parts of our shared history (and the ouchy parts of the history in between) is to possibly ignore what might have made it crumble before. Certainly, it wasn't my idea to split - but the situation was so tense, so angry, so fraught with miscommunication and almost a panic, that I couldn't do anything other than go along with it.
So I did. The thing is, and it is so scary and painful to believe, but it seems, now, to have been the best thing - for me, anyway. I awoke from a stasis I had been in for quite a while, trapped in this dilemma of what I was going to be without someone to define it for me, a dilemma I had been dancing around before I met him; starting certainly when I left Eugene and returned to Seattle in '94. I had let circumstance rule the day for so long - and now, now I want to continue to make decisions that offer me chances, offer ideas, experiences, I want to share my joys and my pains again with someone I, at my core, have always loved. The fact that that person is also the person who caused me to go through a lot of anguish and rebuilding, is actually quite encouraging. That there is a deep investment between us, it survived and is looking to flourish. It occurs to me as well that I very well may now be much more of the person he fell in love with initially. That becoming comfortable with who I am, with what I enjoy and care about - which are all born of the core experiences I'd had up until meeting him has got to enhance this new chapter. It's difficult to get it all down - but I'll keep trying, as it goes. As the dust settles a little and things fall into line - as I try and move forward my plans to get back to the place I love...
A few years ago, when I found out that Kev & Al had separated, I remember this crushing feeling of "wow, if what they had wasn't LOVE, then what the fuck is?" and interestingly, in another universal parallel, they are back together, performing, making art, having pets, and so on...all the things they do best. They seem to have that balance; the balance that is, obviously, so hard to achieve for most. They had to take some time away perhaps, to get the perspective. To understand what is important to them, to know how they want to live their lives together. To know that in the end though, they came back to each other for whatever their reasons are, is encouraging.
I am excited to be able to contribute to a new and hopefully better chapter. To have a chance to be part of the partnership that I believed so much in 10 years ago (ten....years....) that was mired in so much...muck. This has been an amazing couple of weeks, and with some luck I'll be able to document it a little better each time.
30 days, and counting.
Back to more Whovian-Minchin-Arsenal gushing, I promise!

fan-tastic.

Being a fan. Fan is short for fanatic, right? I mean that's where the term not the word comes from. I have been what I consider a fan of things before: bands, movies, authors...and lately, a simple scroll through the pages (especially recently) of this blog will tell you that I've even become a very specific or passionate fan of things like Arsenal, (as poor SMRGE experienced this evening after asking how our team did today, and I responded at such a pitch that I literally had a little head rush when I paused for a breath) and it's been a bit of a lesson in the depths of fandom, of nerdom, of just general hobbyist thinking. A bit of a switch for a girl who was pretty sure being part of any massive group-think (yup, that's how I spun it in my little head) was bad.
Here's the thing: I find TV show fandom really amazing. Right now, on my Tumbler, fans of the Moffet/Gatiss version of Sherlock are blowing shit sky high about the last of just 6 episodes. I mean rabid, constant posting about every minute detail (charts and graphs of fall speeds and velocity from buildings, hair styles and longing glances, teacups and bathrobes) of all the episodes, and enough screen caps and .gifs to literally make my eyes tired and head hurt from squinting at the tiny captions. Though, yes, I did watch all the episodes and will probably do so again, as the writing is pretty amazing, and visually still innovative enough to not be boring - though eventually, the texts on screen, and Sherlock doing his air-touchscreen thing as he thinks through solutions may get tedious. Until then, though...I'll keep watching, and be a fan, from a safe distance.
 "Safe distance".
I suppose I use that phrase because sometimes the intensity of fans, especially here on the world wide internets mkes me feel oddly uncommitted. Sure, I've spent more time than is prudent on YouTube watching clips and videos of shows and performers I enjoy, and I read and listen to a healthy amount of Arsenal blogs and podcasts, and yes, I check for Alan Davies tags on Tumbler, and just recently acquired a Dalek "To Victory" poster, though it occurs to me that it might be time for my living space to not revert back to the "university chic" look that I cultivated for so long....
Anyway, being a fan of something has always been interesting to me, and for the longest time, save for a couple of punk rock mainstays (Kevin Seconds and Aaron Cometbus) I'd pretty much stayed fairly middle of the road when it came to fandom. Only as I gain more mileage, do I seem to hone in on subjects with more verve and commitment.
I've never been to a convention, of any kind. Though, I've dabbled in comics, with a firm love of all things Jaime Hernandez, and my understanding and affection for Tolkien's classics is also well-set. To go that extra step though, to plan vacations, to spend money on cosplay and the time to create .gif sets, and all the posting and conversations, plus just the actual time it takes to watch shows...how DO they do it? Being a fan of people who inspire me is easy enough, but to commit to the sort of real-life actions some fans take is pretty amazing.
Case in point - my coworker, who is what is apparently known as a "Gleek", a huge (she describes herself as "pretty obsessed") fan of one of the cast members in particular recently took a weekend trip to New York to see a Broadway performance of one of the castmembers (not even her favorite! her like, second favorite! OMG!) and then flew back in time to be at work last night (our "Monday").
I'm impressed on several levels. The first is just overall inspiration - she had saved and was planning a trip to Mexico in March with some friends, but it fell through and she found out about that on Thursday (our "Friday" if you will) so she began to think about what else she'd like to do, and decided she'd like to see this cast member in this show on Broadway (she is also a huge fan of musicals, so the pieces do fit together), but didn't have actual tickets to the show in question. However, savvy enough to know about the possibility of cancelled tickets on show day, she booked a flight, a room, and headed to NYC alone, just a carry-on and her intense desire to see this happen.
And it totally did - she got the ticket (apparently even a pretty good seat in the orchestra), saw the matinee performance, and then took in a second show that evening that had been recommended by another member of the Glee cast. She battled the bitter NYC cold, but got some food, saw some shows, and flew back -all spur-of-the-moment and totally had a great time.
I really think that's kind of fantastic. Sure, there are hours spent online on message boards, cruising blogs and Tumblr and Twitter, but when being a fan of something actually inspires you to get out and experience the thing that you enjoy the most about your "thing" (for her, it's musical performances) I think that's the best-case scenario. It's why I want to go to the Emirates - as I was sharing with SMRGE last night while he was perusing the Arsenal site - I gushed so incessantly I actually gave myself a second headrush talking about visiting  "my" team and what it would mean to me. To be able to attend, to be a part of that human experience...I imagine it will be like going to a show by a band that I adore. I don't care if we win the game I go to - I just want to be among the fans, among people who love the team (so I guess, given the state of Arsenal fandom right now, it's a good thing I'll have to wait until next year to do it) watching them play live, being caught up in it.Having that experience. I understand that desire, that affection for something now in ways I never have before.
There are lots of ways to be a fan I suppose, and lots of things to be a fan of...people and ideas that capture your imagination, who inspire you to think about things to explore things and ideas. That seems like the best part of being a fan of anything.

currently...

Highly Anticipated Tim Minchin Appreciation Post

2011 was not a great year. I mean, it wasn't like 2005, a great year that saw me graduate culinary school top of my class, get a job at the dream restaurant I'd hoped for, and reach a level of physical fitness I hadn't seen in years. Though, it wasn't as bad as 2007, the year my best friend's stepfather killed himself, I wrecked my car, careened madly though my first job as an "executive pastry chef", and I filed bankruptcy. 2011 was just a year where consistency was the goal, and as always practicing the patience to achieve it was the primary activity. It was the first calendar year without Hopey, as well. My first whole year without dog. Which is, of course, god spelled backwards.
2011 was also the year that I became fully aware of Tim Minchin, and it was easily one of my favorite things to have happen all year.He describes himself as a satirical musician, and also as an atheist and rationalist. That was originally what brought him to my attention, a British vlogger's site (it's true, I have no business watching 20-something UK uni students video blogging about their Time Lord Rock band, but it happened, and it led to the discovery of a unique, witty, and amazingly talented musician, so, you know, pffffbt) that  had mentioned him, and initially the song "White Wine in The Sun" (which I posted yesterday) a song I'd been hearing references to throughout my....uhm, survey of British TV I'd taken to indulging in between Arsenal games.
((sidebar: hey, adorkables? My delightful team of bi-polar-footy-boys? You are, all 23 of you, including King Henry, killing me with your inconsistency! Losing to Swansea? Did you think because you were in Wales you were on vacation? It's a good thing there are some lighthearted videos by Tim Minchin available to help bring a smile back to my face after such a sad, sad performance. 10 points behind Spurs? I feel like you all need a big hug. I'd be happy to oblige. Just saying. For the team. Call me.))
"White Wine..." is a fantastic example of Minchin's talent. The song starts out as a satirical indictment of Christmas, from his atheist/rationalist perspective, for which he draws lots of attention. It is witty, and disarming, as he sings about how he genuinely enjoys Christmas in spite of the hokey religious characterizations and horrendous soul-sucking merchandising dog & pony show. As the song progresses, he begins to fill in the emotions of what christmas really means to him, and it becomes a touching, sweetly genuine song of love for being amongst the ones you love and who love you, unconditionally. As the song finishes, every time I listen, all I can think of is "yes, that is what Life is about, not all this other dreck", And also, "holy cow is he fun to watch". You see; as he explains in interviews, Tim wears eyeliner and shadow onstage, and rats his hair because he is a piano player, so isn't able to use grand physical gestures to an audience; so in order for his expressions to be easier to read (and even more engaging) he uses makeup. Regarding his "look", he talks about how when so many of his songs (I'm not sure of the percentage, but I'd be willing to say its almost at least half) are about controversial issues like religion, it is easier for the audience to be receptive to ideas if the person presenting the information is more of a "character". It makes sense, and when you watch clips of his live performances you'll see all that. I am also quite fond of  his dead-sexy intelligece. His songs are intricate  (well, mostly, that one about the Pope not so much, but hey, everyone needs an afternoon off, and really, what more is there to say about the motherfucking pope?) prose set to music (again, mostly, with a couple exceptions) which tend to start as a seemingly straightforward sarcastic toned poke, and end up a well-crafted statement of a core belief in oneself and in figuring it out for yourself. Sometimes they take the long way around, like "Prejudice", where what starts as something you think you know, a song about a subject that seems so obvious you find yourself tapping your foot and thinking, "what could he possibly say about this that hasn't already been said" and then a little flipping of letters, and it becomes a song about something else altogether, and yet not. It, for me, becomes a song about how words get turned into things that people put weight and meaning into. How words can be hurtful, and yet, in the end, they are, after all just words that people make rules for using and create cultures around. I enjoy Minchin's approach to science, writing songs dispelling new age nonsense, and hopeless religious affectations.
It seems so amazingly refreshing to see an artist present views like that - at least here in America where if you approach that sort of subject matter and try and get people to laugh and think about shit at the same time, you generally get buried. Although he's Australian, Minchin has become a huge presence in the UK, where he now lives. In the UK, 43% (or so) of the population identify as atheists. As a kid who decided on her own at the age of eight to stop saying "under god" during the Pledge of Allegiance ((look it up....oh, wait, wikipedia is down, YOU CANT...oh, the youth....)) because it made me uncomfortable, that is a huge hook. Uncomfortable how? Well, I was raised in a family that didn't go to church, for a litany of reasons. Even at that young age, perceiving how serious people seemed to be about church (even on shows like Little House On The Prairie) I felt uncomfortable referring my loyalty to this god that I didn't know or really understand how it worked. Much the same as today, and as reflected in Tim Minchin's songs, I still don't see any tangible evidence of this god that we are supposed to listen to, yet I can't hear him. How do you follow the instructions of anyone you can't see or hear? It just hasn't ever made any sense, and suddenly there's this great musician who's smart and has a great sense of humor and he writes these songs....just so very good. Plus he also writes sweet love songs with clever and even sort of snarky lyrics  like "If I Didn't Have You", or "If You Really Loved Me" and his onstage personae is so genuine, so engaging, so completely geeky (such a Rock and Roll Nerd)  that honestly, I find it futile to try and resist.
Also, he's a really versatile musician able to switch genres with grace and aplomb. Yep, I said aplomb.
I look forward to him gaining more recognition, to a US tour, and to see him more often in general, and to hear his new music. He, like Eddie Izzard, is an artist who raises the bar, who nudges you to learn as you are entertained, and for that, in a year that lacked a lot of entertainment, I am very, very appreciative.
This one is another of his sweet ones, but still though...Here's to 2012's discoveries.

So, there's this cat. I first noticed it in my back yard amongst the squirrels. Previously, I'd had a pretty regular squirrel visitor queue (look, it's dull without a dog around, squirrels are like tiny little dogs who can hang upside down on the trunk of a tree and slap their tails when they bark) ((no, seriously, they bark)) for a while - ever since I started leaving old baked goods on the fencepost for them. Squirrels, I'm sure it doesn't suprise you, love baked goods, cookies, muffins, scones. Also avocado pits. But I digress.I had been tossing stuff to squirrels for a few weeks when I noticed a squirrel perched on the fencepost chattering  so loud I could hear him in my bedroom. I peered out the window into the foggy backyard, and there was a grey and white long-haired cat munching away on a scone I had tossed out there for them earlier in the morning.
I'll type that again, just in case it's not clear: the cat was eating the scone. Not just picking at it or licking it, oh, no, that cat was scarfing it like there was no tomorrow and the squirrel was having a fit, slowly creeping down the post and towards the cat who would throw a mean side-eye and twitch its tail and the squirrel would flit around to the other side of the planter box. For the next couple days, I would specifically throw other items out - but ol' Sconey only likes scones. I assume it's the cream and butter in them that makes it so appealing - but the cat isn't starving, by any means. I see it around the neighborhood, so it's just one of those outdoor felines who wander from house to house, culling the best grub.
On Xmas when the cat appeared to be sleeping at the foot of the tree in my yard (it's funny, it's taken a year for the critters in the neighborhood to agree that the crazy grey dog who cant hear is no longer going to come skittering out onto the deck when she sees some sort of movement) I wished I'd had some catfood (I was home alone on Xmas, but totally ok with it, actually. I mean, I was a little homesick, but mostly just enjoyed the quiet day off, making tiny paperchains & decorations for my tiny little live tree and cooking a little meal to enjoy after all the requisite phone calls had been made) .
Karen had suggested just getting a cheap bag of food, if I was at all interested in making nice with the cat...which I kind of was. Anyway, I didn't have any scones left from work, nor any catfood cause I hadn't actually thought that plan through, but I wanted to give the cat something - it was the silly holiday of giving, right?
So...I opened a can of tuna, and proceeded to create Addict Cat. Addict Cat now sits on my back fence staring intensely into the window waiting for more food to be put in the dish. We haven't had as much extra stuff at work, so the cat hasn't been getting the scones anymore, but instead I've given it the giblets from chickens I've roasted, chicken, more tuna, and yeah, I did finally break down and get some cat food.
Both wet and dry - I know. So far, Addict Cat just hangs out on the deck after eating - I haven't been out there much because it's been cold lately, but I imagine if its pleasant enough one morning, I might go out and have coffee with him/her, just to see how it's going.
*coming soon, a long overdue Tim Minchin Appreciation Post, until then:

According to generally accepted Whovian definition, Eleven is officially my Doctor. That is, he's where I picked up the story. That's right, I jumped the Anglophenia Express at Arsenal Station and headed via the scenic route to Cardiff; via Jonathan Creek, Peep Show, Black's Books, Green Wing, Pulling, Coupling, QAF, QI, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Grandma's House, Mighty Boosh and various sundry British television shows, not to mention the others from my childhood like All Creatures..., Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, or the Young Ones. Doctor Who though - I mean I'd had a basic idea about the show based on hazy memories of snowy PBS channels and shows with echoey sets, british accents, arch costumes and the giant albatross of SCIENCE FICTION SHOW dangling off it. I'd heard the fandom were like Trekkers (I know they don't like to be called "ees") and so just let that vision of the show and its fans sit, occasionally referenced but never really experienced.Until last spring, when I found myself swept up in a marathon of the latest Doctor Who series that was leading up to the newest season. I found the writing funny, smart, and at just the right level of sci-fi to be engaging without being irritating. Matt Smith, as the current incarnation of the Doctor is so geeky-quirky-smart-funny-offbeat that it didn't take much for me to get hooked. I'm a sucker for the quirky geek genuis-y types. Stephen Merchant writes so well, has a Sorkinesque ear for dialog, it was like no other Doctor Who I'd ever imagined (I'd always pictured them being written like a cross between Brideshead Revisited and Star Trek....yeesh). The current plot arc is twisty and romantic and a bit of a puzzle and has an genuine sense of play about it while still being also scary in the way that shows like The Twilight Zone could be. Humanity. I didn't know that it's always been a theme in Doctor Who, the show that will celebrate 50 years on TV next year, but certainly would explain it's longevity..
After catching up and completing the newest episodes, I was left wanting more...so much of Doctor Who concerns where the character has been and who his companions and enemies are, that I decided, after much reading that I'd go ahead and start watching from the most recent reboot. And, like that, Nine became my new curl-up-and-watch pretend boyfriend. Even after just watching "Rose", I was drawn even deeper into the mythology, because it was if I had travelled in time - now I knew what this character's future held, but I hadn't seen all his past, it was the most ingenius way to watch TV, so different from the way most shows are structured.
That's a big part of why I enjoy the show so very much, that it has the ability to be so many things, and, as done by Russell Davies and Stephen Merchant, spoke in a verancular I can absolutely understand. Intrinsic, even if it is very, very British. It also has a universal sweep (literally like The Universe universal, and figuratively), and it always has that storythread of investigation and discovery. Of people and beings trying to get along as they go about the business of living. It's good stuff, and though I find Billie Piper a distraction, I think the character of Rose was one that certainly we never see in America of British young women from a specific social standing. Martha, a med student is a little more familiar; and Donna, brash and impulsive and not the typical pin-up model, but was smart, strong and best of all a genuine friend of the Doctor. I'd never seen characters quite like that in US shows before.
What it still comes down to most of all though, is how can you not like a story of an amazingly smart and dashing guy in a time machine racing around the universe having adventures, and usually looking for some company, cause it turns out he's a little dark on the inside as well. The Tardis could show up anywhere and the more episodes I watch the more comforting I find the show.  It hit all the major buttons for me last summer as I settled into a new job and into the Definitely Not Dating column again. Just in time to move into three seasons of David Tennant's reign as Ten. Previously I had actually avoided the reboot because he was so ridiculously good looking it seemed hard to imagine the stories could have any weight or interest. I was, happily wrong (ok, there are a few weak episodes but overall, great stuff, with special effects really finally catching up to the writing).
My absolute favorite thing about Ten is him as this Converse-clad Time Lord who is at both a genius and a goofball. With sticky-uppy hair, no less. He also has a temper, and a code of conduct, but is impulsive and tends to have to tell people he's sorry a lot. Ten has several catchphrases, but my favorite is "Allons-y!"
Which is, of course,  French for "Let's Go!". It's a phrase I embrace, and to see it embodied in a TV show is encouraging. I think people should be encouraged more to give things a go. In the face of a stiff challenge or unknown future, isn't the best thing is to get in it, try it, see how it fits? Give it a whirl, see how she flies.
One of the things Doctor Who seems to always do when he is confronted with aliens from other planets who always seem to have a penchant for having Earth as their own, is that he asks them what is wrong and how can he help.It's a value that doesn't get taught much, to ask how you can help, and then to try and do something to be helpful.
There is a great sense, to me, anyway, that the Doctor knows about risk (and maybe that's a British thing and happens to a culture that made it through the Dark Ages and the Blitz) and looks it in the face and says it anyway: "let's go!" Interestingly, Eleven says "Geranimo!" which, is essentially the same thing (though with a decidedly American bend) - lending itself to the idea that the Time Lord, in any of his incarnations is a creature who understands the meaning of living in the present more than any other, specifically because for him, time doesn't move in a simple line. He (and his companions) are always living in everyone else's present, which is a fun, existential quirk for me, and keeps me hooked into the show...but most of all it's the way that the show seems to encourage discovery of not only planets and creatures but of the characters themselves.The junior executive anthropologist in me digs that.
Throughout the fall and holiday season, I had actively been working allonsy into my repertoire and, as usual, the Universe has responded in kind, almost saying: "Ready? Ready to see something amazing for real?" and all I can say is: hell yes, land that Tardis here. Let's go somewhere cool. 

I mentioned the return of Theirry Henry to Arsenal the other day. Photos are flooding the interwebs, and it's surreal and wonderful, to have the mythical talisman captain back is huge. To have it be now, when Arsenal is at a nadir of confusion and struggling to be cohesive is even more of a gift. Love is such a strange emotion, one I normally hold at arm's length and wonder what sort of trouble it's going to get me in THIS time. Loving Arsenal, with all their epic brilliance and silly juvenile mistakes in the last couple seasons, has provided notes for how my understanding of the many layers can work. For me to say I love a sports team at all is still a little shocking when I think about it objectively. But, when I say it now, it feels as natural as anything in the world. Of course I love my team - I have come to know the players, their quirks, their struggles, the manager, his battles and failures. True, I've never been to an actual match, but I have watched live on mornings with a hardy band of like-minded people, and it is fun.
This was news to me. Having been sure for so long that I was a fully self-contained unit who couldn't be swayed by group activities, especially sports. Somehow, I seemed to conveniently ignore that being in a band was being on a team. That I was learning about how team psychology works, even though I was blissfully marching along thinking that we were simply like-minded individuals doing what we loved to do for people who would dig it.
Henry has mentioned that he comes back to Arsenal with a love for the team that he didn't have the first time he played for us. Which has struck me as interesting, and somewhat amazing given the timing. What does he mean now when he says he loves the team? He played 8 years for us without loving Arsenal? Maybe he played because he loved to play, and at Arsenal he played and was successful at the top level of international football. However, he still chose to leave.He didn't completely love the team, didn't appreciate all that it offered all that it represented. I would love to ask him when his feeling for the club changed in such a subtle, yet seismic way. Surely, he had a love of the shirt, of being proud of being on a winning team, but to love Arsenal, to use that particular word...it is interesting, especially given I'm talking about a sport here.
It occurs to me all these years later, that following a sports team manifests a kind of love I have encountered before, but didn't realize. They provide an emotional connection, the games provide performance, drama and a story. Sure, I knew that a bit in my head, but only recently have I come to understand it in my heart. When I wonder what the hell is going on at the half of a game in the dressing room on a match day when we are losing, now I think about arguments; or worse stony silences in band practice spaces. What I'm trying to get at here, or get back to - is the idea of love. How it can be so many things. You can't love or hate something you don't care about. You love because you are invested emotionally. To be invested is a risk, and it might be heartbreaking - watching Samir leave Arsenal in the manner that he did was so depressing, having taken him into our hearts as a rising star, singing songs for him only to watch him turn on a dime, for...well, a LOT of dimes. His loyalty to our club wasn't there in the end. On the other hand, Henry has always been the most class of acts, who moved on from the club at his strongest, and has always been civil and fair to his former team, and in recent years as he talked about coming back, about possibly returning to be a part of the team again, you couldn't help but wonder: would it be the same? I'm so very interested in what has prompted Henry to be so enthusiastic about how being a fan, a lover of the team has changed the way playing feels for him. his desire to help the team again, he said was a big part of why he wanted to return
Ultimately, could the Boss not accept Theirry when he expressed interest in playing for Arsenal again? How could you not say, "Ok, Titi, you are older now, and you left us when we needed you most, and it's been a tough go without you, but you want to return, and you have played in Barcelona, you've been slogging it out in the horrible wilds of American footy, where no one appreciates you and you are losing your lustre, so yes, let's do this, let's give it a go again, bring your talent and your experience back to us show us again who you are."
Our current team, which is a strange mix of experienced national captains and a bunch of really talented but underexperienced kids who have been fighting for every victory tooth and nail, need a rallying point, something to agree on, something to work with. Theirry, brings this in spades. And, if his homecoming goal is any indication - it's doing him some good as well - his touch was brilliant again, he hasn't scored many like that in the 2 seasons he's been in New York, where he seems to be just a placeholder and name to attract butts to seats - you know: "come see the former legend". However, just one game back home at the Emirates, the stadium his Invincibles Team built, and he was back on form. There's a lesson here, right? You can go home again, once you've traveled where you need to so that you appreciate it as your Home. Theirry said it himself in the post-match interview after Leeds: he said it was very different playing for Arsenal as a fan of the club. When he was here before, he was, yes the captain, but he was "from France" and hadn't grown up following Arsenal (like, say, Jack Wilshere, who joined the Arsenal youth squad at 9 years old, who is destined to follow in Tony Adam's footsteps, though he's only just 19 right now), and when he thought he had done all he could do with us, he left. He went on to play for Barca, where it wasn't quite the same, he spent a lot of time on the bench in his last season there, they never used him as they could have, and seemingly lost his fire. He moved to the NY Red Bulls and everyone wrote him off as clearly not having "it" anymore.Like Bex but without the social calendar. It's an incredibly risky thing to come back to the Premiere League - the most competitive in the world. He had everything to lose, he'd be that guy who tried to regain old glory and failed, But he took the risk, he came back to us and put the kit back on...and fucking scored the winning goal in a cup playoff game. What more could you hope for? Surely, it's got to make him feel great about taking the chance to up his game, do the work and come back to the club that only by leaving did he grow to love more than any other. For The Manager, for Arsene, it's similar - it could have been looked at as a desperate bid, bringing back the guy who left, the guy who thought he was done with Arsenal, the guy who could be on his way out, trying to recapture old glory only to be an embarrassing joke. Many people in the press characterized it as Wenger's unwillingness to move on, to try and buy newer stars to do the business he needs to do. But Arsene Wenger is not the usual manager, and he brought Theirry back and it appears to already be good for everyone involved. Sometimes, love is risky, but as I think we are all realizing, totally worth it. Henry realized how important Arsenal was by leaving, and we realize how exciting his talent and potential are once again. It's an exciting time...

Chef Guy, when he was in one of his rare complimentary moods as we worked together, would often tell me I did nice work with the menus I created. Most recently, he told me that he was always impressed my whimsical approach to designing items. It sounds weird, right? Designing a menu item. I mean, it's easy to say: come up with a new flavor of cupcake.Then you flip through a flavor list, and pick and choose.
Not me though, I'm one of those people, those people whose approach to food is not just executing recipes. Though of course I love a good classic like everyone else - I know the intrinsic value of making creme brulee twice a week. The zen meditation and balance of getting the anglaise to just the right consistency and then pouring it carefully into the ramekins in their water baths, covering, cooking ever so carefully so that you get the smoothest silky custard ever.
I had a knack for it right out of the gate. Also do well with souffles. It probably shocks no one to know that all the baking items I do best with are the fussy ones - and fussy meaning petulant, not tidy, though I work amazingly clean for someone who abhors doing dishes in her own home. Anyway, baking was never supposed to be part of the plan, it just sort of dropped in my lap because, frankly, none of the line cooks ever wanted to do it. Even the ones with mad crazy skills in it, like CG, didn't want to get caught in the pastry ghetto.

I jumped at the opportunity to try new things, and especially given I was in Fresno, but in higher end restaurants - when I look back at some of the stuff I attempted and pulled off because I didn't know enough to be intimidated but did know enough to be dangerous...it just blows my tiny little mind. I have to own the fact that the first time I cribbed Thomas Keller's famous "banana split" I did (had to, I was working in CG's kitchen and he was a Keller acolyte) give props to where it came from. However...when I moved to the next restaurant, and got promoted to Pastry Chef when the blonde bombshell who had gone to pastry school bailed to return to the rough and tumble world of insurance sales (admittedly, better pay and better hours, but holy christ, all the soul sucking boredom!) I busted it out again and didn't mention where the idea came from, and the clientele were food savvy enough to be impressed, but not savvy enough to know where I'd pulled it from (to be fair, the banana split isn't his most well known, that would be "coffee and doughnuts" and I would have never done that one)...and then inspiration mainlining Claudia Fleming's work at Grammercy Tavern...my motivation when I decide to create something is to work as they do - as most people do at the higher end spots do now...though sometimes the pastry chefs don't quite get into it as much.

This is a very longwinded way of getting around to the fact that I hit (another) home run today, and I hit it with my least favorite bat: the cupcake. Cupcakes are really the only flexible item in our current product line in terms of working seasonally (which is my ethic) so I've tried to embrace it. I approach desserts as creating an experience for the person eating them. I want there to be a wow moment, a connection to a memory, a message from me to them: check this out, look what I made for you! Also, I try to be a little clever (or whimsical, whatever) and as I work on a concept, I don't just slap flavors together like legos. Usually I'll think about the season, what's available, what are people eating typically? What do people like? Then, I bounce ideas around until I come up with an idea I think I can execute. For cupcakes, one of the more unique things I do (and Shaggy, my executive chef pointed this out today again) is I'm kind of a geek about garnishes being both edible and handmade, if at all possible. So far with the exception of the candy cane in my "hot cocoa" cupcake (chocolate peppermint cake, dark chocolate ganache center, marshmallow cream frosting, and the candy cane as a "straw") I've been able to do that. I candy lemon zest like a pro (wait! I am a pro! yay!). Sometimes the ideas are very product oriented - a coconut cupccake, filled with a lime curd, topped with vanilla frosting and rolled in toasted fresh coconut, and I like those as well. Halloween it was chocolate cake, peanut butter cream filling, frosting tinted orange, and then topped with tiny sugar skulls I made. Tiny gingerbread men for the gingerbread cupcakes.
Today though, was the culmination in my most recent venue, of showing my exec what I do. I gave it a name ( i always give them names, but don't always tell him that, as not all our front of the house kids are that on the ball to get a concept for a cupcake): "schoolyard crush" as it's for valentine's day. I had used the fresh cranberries that came in one week to make a jam, so that they wouldn't go to waste. I was sure I could use it in a cookie or something. When asked to do a new seasonal cupcake though, I switched gears. Of course I immediately went for pb&j, as it's a classic combo that is a winner virtually all the time. How to do it better though, and how to tie it to Valentine's Day? Pb& j....makes me think of lunchboxes.....gradeschool...valentines...those cruddy candy hearts...bingo. Vanilla cake, jam filling, pb frosting, and I'll make the candy hearts (never done that before!). And that is exactly what I did. Shaggy was so stoked. When I presented it - he asked me about the hearts and if they were fondant and I said, well, technically that is probably what it is, but I made it from scratch and he side-eyed me and said "You're crazy, that's out of control" and smiled. When he tasted it, he said (about the hearts) "Wow, they taste better than I remember them" and smiled. That, kids, is the money shot for me. I don't get to go out in the dining room anymore during service to have customers tell me how much they loved the Tuscan Cannoli, or the "Beer & Pretzles" (Guinness flavored ice cream and housemade fresh pretzels...yes i did) or whatever crazy shit I decided to do (I once offered "Oreos 3 ways" without using a single actual Oreo, but creating them and the flavors in different forms on my own) so when I can make Shaggy (that's not his name, but it's similar, and he bears a striking resemblance to Scooby Doo's pal, and has a nice pastry background himself) smile I am stoked. He totally got it. So did my pal Suse, who is also part of the bakery team, but her German background and experience has her do more cut & paste sorts of things (amazing technician though, she is incredibly skilled).
Ok, enough rambling, it's so hard to stay clear when I start talking about this approach to food - I'll get it clear eventually.
Or at least, get the introduction to the second book done. One way or another.
Anyway, "schoolyard crush" feels good and appropriate right now. So good. I love that word "crush". It just sounds fun, nice, sweet. Crushing on someone is fun.
See, cupcakes can be fun, and metaphors, woot!

Right, so meanwhile, over at the Emirates... a place I have been not suitably attentive to for a couple weeks now, save for the occasional Ramsey fan girl blogs I check out...and recent events have distracted me even more. However...today Arsenal were playing Leeds in the 3rd round of the FA Cup (the only thing left for us to play for this year - Man City knocked us out of both the Carling cup and are dominating the PL with Man U, we might get past Milan in this next round of Champs league, but with our current form, it doesn't look good. And, even if we do get through, we'll only end up losing to Barca or Real, so you know, yay.) Admittedly, I was unusually iffy about the match today - even though Titi was set to be on the bench today. The legend I'd never thought I get to watch play for Aresnal again, was playing again. Plus, my pal Tommy, who I haven't seen for a few weeks because, like every other person on the planet - our schedules generally conflict - actually they parallel, but i have to be on the last train at 12:30 or i'm toast and so haven't made it to his spot on 24th and Mission on a night he's open, unless I go in to the city on my day off, and i try to avoid it in an ongoing attempt to save cash to move home, and also, there's the part where i like to do dink around at home, like this weekend, banging out the first demo of the conversation hearts... *sigh* *home* *sea otters* *mittens* My bad. Where was I? oh, yes, so Tom asked me to come to the pub and watch the Leeds match today. I arrived late, he left early. The bulk of the match was tedious, but holy cow, that one half-minute? Song passing to Henry, and him just guiding into the lower right corner like he'd always done (so they tell me, i've seen it on Youtube of course...but that's not the same) - and the pub was dead, but that totally brought it to life (in my estimation). It is even more emotional to watch clips online that people took in the stands, the jubilation....so intense, so warm. Everyone so crazy happy for Titi, for the club (we'd surely win now!), and just the poetic nature of the event. He was wearing the 12, literally, he's our 12th man now. It was his 12th goal in his 12 games against Leeds, in 2012. Numerology is silly too, but the coincidence is pretty crazy. It was also his 12th consecutive goal in an Arsenal jersey (the footy kids, they like their stats just like baseball freaks!) I love the Arsenal so much because it's a club filled with epic stories and characters (yes, i know all the clubs have them, but do they have 125 years of it? an Invincible Season? Ar-mutherfucking-shavin? ) - I listened to a Desert Island Discs episode with Tony Adams, who I've heard all about in podcasts and interviews: the Player's Captain, was known for his drinking and playing, his drive and determination, all of it. Listening him talk about his favorite music was so enlightening. He had awesome well-rounded taste, and picks that seemed to underline his sensitive nature and love of how music fills in your life sometimes. Ok, most times.I love that show, and the fact that they had Tony Adams on was a testament to his impact. I haven't seen another episode featuring a football player. Thierry Henry seems destined for that cultural nod too (guess that's why they both got statues this year), and already is a legend who is still playing. Plus it was against Leeds, it should have been a no brainer, and it kind of was - at least for those watching on another continent. So frustrating when the play is dull and you can't be there to see all the players, their bearing their demeanor. I so very much want to see Arsenal play in England, ideally at the Emirates, but I'm not choosy. I's be stoked, even if it meant being in the away end at Stoke (then i could lead a chant calling for Shawcross' head! because there's only ONE Aaron Ramsey). But there's this connection I feel with them with the supporters of this club because they all seem so different from other team's fans(see what i did there?), and it grows stronger, each season that passes, no matter how we finish. The heart and characters in this team is amazing. It's tough for us now, so many injured. I'm sure Bac and the Verminator want to be back soon so they can play with Henry, and poor Jacky! You know HE totally wants to get in! Anyway, it was a good finish to a lackluster game up until that point. Tom and I need to meet up again though for the whole match, and of course, a sandwich from Molinari's ideally, on a day I don't have to go to work after so I can enjoy my Guinness with the goals :) So, the final was 1-nil o the arsenal, we move to the 4th round of the FA cup and face Swansea on Saturday. And, my fantasy team is still at the top of the Cutty league, and in top 5 in two others, who'da thunk it? Not me, not in a million years.

Well, that's just about right. It appears deleted the last post - the one about the bully. Dammit. I wanted a raw record of that. Can't seem to find a way to get it back. It would appear there is no dumpster diving at Blogger. At any rate. I've got a (I think) Thompson Twins song in my head today "What is Love, Anyway?" at least I think it's them, if not, it should be....cause it's a ridiculous bit of 80's new wave, but appropriate. anywayyyyy....
This is the question of the day when the universe/rollercoaster/life slams you right into a sharp turn that apparently you didn't see cause you were busy looking at the kid next to you who looks like he's gonna hurl. What? So, there I was, minding my own business, skulking around that Social Networking Site and see a message from an account that appears to be in a foreign language. Thinking that it's either the Nigerian Prince nagging me about sending my checking account info so he can wire the fortune to me, or another international Arsenal account...I click on to read. Oh. and it was Latin. I should have known immediately.
Interestingly, I didn't (so that's good, right? That I'm not constantly hoping for someone specifically to contact me out of the mists of time) know. I read the first lines, about how if I ever wanted to hear a funny story...about how wrong he was, and right I was.
And my hands started shaking. Then a mention of the post about the bullying. Holy fucking cat's cradle bird on a wire cows wearing sunglasses........who reads my blog? I for a fleeting moment thought it might have somehow been someone on the train that night, it was so fucking far out of left field.
It was ex-SMRGE. Apologizing, after I said that I would certainly listen to a doozie of a story, knowing full well it might not be anything even remotely similar to that I had often daydreamed about him telling me on the fateful day that we once again spoke.
It was an apology for the way he treated me. That he had recognized (after 7 years with someone else) that he had made a mistake. It was....unexpected. I mean, that shit doesn't ever happen, even in movies. Or at least the movies I watch. Wait; did Mrs Doubtfire end with them getting back together? I can never get past him vacuuming in the old lady outfit....so maybe it does happen on occasion. But not to anyone I know.
Your ex-spouse, the one that left you never ever really comes back and tells you that he was a complete jackass and wishes he could turn back the clock. Sure they might think it, and I think we all hope in the back of our little mind (the mind my therapist gave the book "The Princess who believed in Fairy Tales" to for homework..) that they think it all the time as they flounder away in their shiny new life.
I mean, we were together almost just half as long as they were.
I stood up and immediately was a little dizzy. Sat back down. Stared at screen. Re read the note, and then as i was rereading, he sent another follow-up sure that he hadn't done the right thing. I started typing.
He did do the right thing. It is the right thing to apologize when you hurt someone. It's even better to try and make something good happen to sort of counterbalance the damage. Most of all though, it's about taking responsibility for oneself. Cannot stress that enough kids. The only way to heal the pain is by talking about it, getting it into the sunlight. We followed the brief exchange of social networking messages with an actual phone call.
That was weird. But weird in an exhilarating way. In hearing that voice again, marveling at it's resonance and familiarity, and yet the style of speaking had changed a little, and it was interesting.  He was very excited, and it was flattering to feel like he's actually found it important to make contact finally. We talked about what had precipitated it, how he felt, how astonished he was that I'd be willing to talk to him. That I didn't just hate him.
I don't have time for that sort of hate. I find it an emotion that is only useful when having to power through a major physical challenge - like nine months of culinary school in the morning and working at night. Of course you will do damage...I ended up often listening to Dave Matthews at one point and have vivid memories of early morning sunrises on my way to school with his live stuff playing to get me...god, what did that get me?
Oh yeah, straight A's 100% attendance, an awesome externship, and great jobs. oh, and that one instructor fired. But he had it coming.
I told him I knew he wanted me to be mad to berate him...but i'm not feeding that parasite that's leeching his soul. Nope, not gonna do it (also: i yelled shit in the car at him quite often. got it out of my system. that's key - seemed kind of retarded at the time, like this couldn't possibly do any good, but it did. when the time came, i'm totally able to be in the moment and appreciate it for what it is: a great show of effort and determination. Both things I am fond of in this particular human). That he places value on the time we had together is heartening as well, though of course will always be a little befuddling, given how it all went down. As part of our chat became tonight I think. But that's why the talk is so good, to sort it out.
The phone call was 3 hours. The next night of IMing, 6 hours and tonight again 3. I have a lot of feelings doing a little dance in my heart at the moment and the one predominant thing is "give it a chance" because I won't know if it's real if I don't try it. You have to give people second chances. It's why I moved to Eugene with Mike. It's why I let CG come stay with me here in the East Bay. It generally, in my experience, doesn't actually work out even the second time round...but I keep hoping. Cause I want (have) to believe that people are good, and that they want to be better. People are so generally shitty to each other so much in this world, if someone is willing to make a change and be nice, fuck it, I'm in. It's DIY, do. it. yourself.
There is also a small voice going "woohoo!" at all of this, if only because...it's just kinda nice.
All the advice I've been giving eSMRGE is for my own benefit as well. I need to remind myself what works and how it works. This is all part of an amazing confluence of the last few weeks, with holidays, geekness, job stuff, and tim minchin, all playing a part in 2012 coming in like a motherfucking lion.
Oh, and also, I remember it as him asking me out the first time. He was the one skulking around the color room chatting to me a little bit more each day.
I got the hopey tattoo literally just before I met up with him . We went to a diner. We talked continually for  hours that night. Hrm. 
Again, I'm not sure where it's all headed, but I'm curious to find out.
I'll keep us posted.

So my British fixation has morphed into the be-all and end-all of all good geekdom. Doctor Who. Now, I have been aware of this show, it's cultural importance in both geek culture and basic Britculture since I was old enough to know that PBS was on channel 9. (For reasons still not completely clear to me even now, up and down the west coast, channel nine always seems to be the public broadcast system network. i know basically, the allocations to major networks, sort of like football numbering, go to most important stations, and that there usually are the big three, two locals and then it gets iffy, with nine always seeming to host the shows I adored: Zoom, and the Frugal Gourmet.
At any rate, as a kid in Seattle, via antennae (look it up, it should be right there next to "dial tone") we could also get canadian stations, which meant I could watch not only SCTV on weekends, but reruns of the Monkees on weeknights. I lived for that shit, and, in my twirling of the knobs also found Monty Python on PBS (pretty sure it was pledge week the first time) - and was mesmerized. So many things being made fun of, so witty, and: cardinals! They were making fun of church people! And dead parrots. Anyway. Amongst all that, I would occasionally happen upon Doctor Who episodes. I am not gonna (nor am I capable, actually) sugar-coat it: the production value stank, and in a way that wasn't easily dismissed like it was in Monty Python or even, later, the Young Ones. Nope. I'm pretty sure it was my lack of passion for Sci Fi that kept me from latching on to the shaggy haired, long scarf wearing Brit who seemed to always be trapped in a plywood garage with blinking light machines. So, for years, and years, and years, I dismissed it as the kind of canon, like Star Trek (aside from New Gen, which at least caught me for a little bit in its peacenik story telling, until it went all Borg=God=doom thingy stuff and Whoopie as a bartender in space. WTF???) just something i wasn't ever gonna get.
Until a brash former footbally player in a bowtie and a writer/producer who wrote Queer as Folk took the reins and rebooted it. And they were able to up the production value to at least make crazy sci-fi nonsense look good.
So, yeah, Matt Smith is my Doctor, and I'm fortysomething. However. He (and Mr. Merchant) have led me to watch the whole reboot from 2006, and i get it a lot more. I hesitated with Tennant, because to be honest, I wasn't sure anyone that good looking could be anything other than...well...sort of like John Barrowman. However, the tenth doctor is amazingly well written, and David Tennant is a better actor in most of the situations (save when he's rising christ-like in golden rays, then, ick) than almost all sci-fi actors I've ever watched (which, admittedly, isn't many). But Eccleston, he's frigging gold. So good at capturing the inner mayhem that if you really think about that life, the life of a timelord, what that must be like. He's cheeky, sexy without being full of himself (tenth...) and puts a spin on that blonde botox queen chav companion that is missed in the next 2 series.
Yeah, I'm not a Rose fan. In fact the whole series could do without the pining for Rose nonsense that really dampened the Martha stories. She was an amazing character, and to leave her in the dust is kind of a continuity glitch.
But whatever, apparently in sci-fi fandom, you let that shit go.
So. Anyway, I like Donna, and Micky and find Captain Jack a nice camp distraction, though can't make it through a whole episode of Torchwood because his fucking jacket is ridiculous.
It's tv. It's winter. This is what happens during the interlull. Good news: we beat Norwich, and I'm going to be back on 3 games a week until christmas, yay! less sci-fi, more footy!
Yay. Also, Brits. Enjoying learning more and more about them all the time, and not just on TV. More about that next time, if I can keep calm and carry on.

Previously on social networking sites...

You can have this social networking nonsense. This week the big blue F did a number on my head twice. The first time it was with the most bizarre coincidence and piece of evidence that the world is far smaller than we think it is, ladies and germs. Check it: a very old punk rock pal who I knew casually in DC through our bands playing together and what not. Yes, he was a drummer, but that goes without saying right? Anyway, he was the sweetest of the bunch and a unique kid whose name stuck with me long after I left DC. Also, his band was crazy fun, smart, and yeah, even, after much effort, became part of the big D. Anyway, flash forward to reconnecting with a bunch of those same DC folk (though he was originally from Little Rock, and was currently in Austin) and truth be told, he didn't remember me at first, but when reminded was very nice and we occasionally exchanged comments on posts, etc. This week I woke up, checked my fb account and was shocked to see photos from his somewhat blitzkreig wedding - that is, he fell in love and they got married almost immediately. That wasn't the shocker. The shocker was a photo of the happy couple with a woman who looked oddly familiar....glancing down at the tag, it appeared this best friend of the bride had the same name as my ex-husband's replacement wife for me. Turns out, it was her. What, I ask you, in the name of all that is cool in Gallifrey, the hell? How is that possible? Of all the people in the world for him to marry off the cuff? Of all the people in the world for her to be friends with? Of all the people to be married to my ex-husband who appropriated my punk rock life story to impress the very woman in the photos? Oh, for crying in the night. Then, minding my own business (because really, it's the only business I should mind) I again peruse fb to see what's up...and there is a brief mention of happy birthday to a former coworker and pal musician from DC posted by a good pal. Turns out the person died 4 years ago, at his own hand. I think I knew he had died (or had suspected based on some mentions by others) but officially found out that one of my sweetest most honest crushes from that era had not so easily shuffled off this mortal coil. I immediately went to a photo I had of him, a lovely one (like many I took at the time, back when I had fire in my eyes and a darkroom in my basement) and scanned it and sent it to the friend who made the post - I asked how/what happened? How could this beautiful, talented, sweet-hearted guy be gone?
And I got the news. I have to say, neither of these things is singular, there have been other reasons to unplug from the sham that is thinking that fb is actually manifesting actual friendships (though I know of people who have created whole new lives by surfing to find their old flames, and it's worked out for them, so...you know, all right for you two) but I think I'm done. I think it was better when I left a place and time, and didn't revisit it until it was meant to happen. This social networking feels like a crutch...maybe I'm doing it wrong or something, but I feel like I'm ignoring real people, real experiences...I miss the days when phones were attached to walls and tv was something you used to drown out the housemates.