I am a good cook. Which makes sense, since I spend the majority of my waking hours doing it. It is, and honestly, always really has been, my hobby and more recently; my profession. Today, in a kitchen bare of a lot of ingredients (payday is Monday, and money is tight lately) - I made a fantastic tortilla soup, which I just upgraded to black bean & tortilla. Made the stock from scratch, which I do regularly now, accumulating carcasses from the inevitable rotisserie chickens I buy (back to spending money on them, but the emotional cost of getting them for free made everything I made from those Roti chickens taste like doom) every week. I've got the method locked in, and I think HRH Keller would smile on the fact that I literally cook this stock for 48hours - at a bare simmer, adding water when the pot cooks off to half way - typically three times. Carcasses (including wing tips, pope's nose & neck) go in first alone for the first round of cooking down 50%. Then I add water back to the top, add carrots, celery & onion (though not mirpoix, just rough cut of all of them) and back it goes to the low, no bubble, just steam rising and movement below surface simmer. Overnight usually. My landlord would probably freak if she knew, and I often wonder if she notices any difference in the gas bill...at any rate. I always do it on my weekend, starting on my "friday evening" day and cooking through to my "sunday". I use the stocks for lots of stuff, but mostly soups, and usually I buy produce specifically for them, but this week, I was a little short of cash (yes, even for produce) and it was raining like crazy, so I did a cupboard dump. Cumin (no cilantro or coriander in the house, need to fix that last issue, also no oils, either olive or canola, though I did have duck fat, so I sweated the onions in that), paprika, garlic, cayanne, a little tapatio, some oregano (italian seasoning, but just a pinch) salt and pepper. Fresh toms that were about to turn, and an onion. can of tomato sauce, and then patience. I will never stop loving the delight when I taste something that I scrape together like that. Didn't do any baking this weekend, but brought a lot of the stuff I did at work home, so no reason to heap piles more sugary shit onto my shelves.
Just wanted to get that down. Nothing earth shattering, just a note to self about how I'm getting through the Arsenal off season. Watched horrible USMNT vs ESP, ouch. But, on the other hand: Iker!! in the US, but he only played a bit of the last half so that was unfortunate. Though at least the tv cameras knew to keep him on camera as much as possible :)

Apartheid

It's amazing sometimes, to stop and think about how much the world has changed in the last 20 years. I guess this happens to everyone once they pass the old #40 in the rear-view mirror, and more and more I find myself thinking about how different "the kids today" are. Not just in that they don't know the power and excitement of receiving a letter - I just recently started a pen-pal exchange with my 10-year old nephew, and he had no idea what a post card was. Today though, it was an exchange with my 25-year-old coworker. She's a firecracker, and loves the punk rock (as she knows it, though she continues to blaspheme my generation's leaders, but whatever) and considers herself political: vegan, environmentally conscious, female-powered ("i spell woman with a Y" etc)...however there's this thing about history. In passing we were talking about our banks, and I mentioned that I was with Chase currently because they had bought out my previous WaMu, and was headed to Bank of the West because I wanted a smaller entity, and she told me she left WaMu and went to BofA, and I, as a reflex said "Oh, I left them when they refused to divest." Because I had. 20 years ago. Of course I changed a lot of stuff, stopped drinking Coke, protested our campus into not buying IBM computers, etc. But it was her blank stare and her question: "What do you mean, DI-vest?" And I replied, "From South Africa."
Still nothing. "Because of Apartheid, you know?" She did not, and seemed sort of perplexed. I haven't really talked much about this, about my politics, in a long time (when I talk politics, I generally do it to an audience who already knows where I sit, unless it's on the internet, and that I gave up a while ago, though I think I've tossed a few rants in here from time to time). I didn't want to rant so I just gave her the cliff notes. "So back in the late 80's when South Africa was having a financial crisis and trying to sell off their gold and get countries to invest in their country, back when Nelson Mandela was still in jail, there was, and had been in place for a long time a..." I genuinely hesitated, though why I don't know; "a policy called apartheid, separating the races systematically...and we, we protested it. We took the view that if we refused to participate in helping South Africa succeed financially, that would affect the people who were benifiting the most from apartheid, and ultimately, couldn't affect the victims as their lives were already desperate and horrible. We refused to buy things from companies who did business in that country...we protested to keep our campus from spending our student monies with those companies."
She seemed astounded that it would make a difference, though she didn't say so. She did say, how's that work? And I responded, Imagine if the Chinese decided to pull their money from America because they thought the US policy of allowing states to outlaw female reproductive services, was a civil injustice (not that the Chinese government would ever do anything even remotely like that, but I needed a broad example)? All that money just gone, Poof! Like that, sorta. The subject died off quick, and I didn't get a chance to say my favorite sentence in the whole world: I never ever expected to see Nelson Mandela walk out of prison, Certainly not become the president of the country that jailed him for 33 years, and yet, he did.
I know Leonard Peltier will not get that chance in THIS country. I didn't expect to see the Berlin Wall come down (didn't really expect it to be an issue at all, really). Some stuff you just do because you believe in it. I didn't believe I'd ever vote for a candidate for president of the US who would win. Even that has happened. What comes next? As crazy and depressing as things get, there are these, focused, blazing moments that make you feel like it's worth hanging around...so I do.
But the kids, what the hell are we gonna do about the kids? 20 years and apartheid is forgotten? Even last year as I watched the World Cup I was kind of awed by how distant it all seemed, was it really not a victory for humanity that they don't teach it in History? Or is it because historically it's linked to our own racial segregation and so we bury it?
Ok, that's enough for now. Sleep tight.

Oh, and there was an earthquake today - it was also supposed to be the Rapture, and to be honest, I was kind of hoping something would happen. Have been waiting for the baking system to collapse for a looong ass time, and when the house shook at about 7pm tonight I got a little tingly. But of course it was just a Caliquake, typical, but my first in this house. No angels, no fire, no brimstone. Sigh. I'm happy to go if the world ends, I have had a decent run and since the last couple years haven't been too productive, i'm ready to go. But I guess not. So: continue with the book idea and keep showing up to work. Maybe get another dog. At least until whatever day NEXT year it is that the world is supposed to end.
Again.
Also, shout outs from favorite DC drummer and ex-Roli New guy today, and of course, the delightful Arsenalboy so that was nice. Sad that the season is almost over, and not sure what I will do this summer to keep myself amused without a World Cup to organize my days by.
Ah well. Continue planning UK visit I guess.

So, it was inevitable that the Universe (or, The Life, as my good pal Dario calls it) would pair me up with a 25-year-old female vegan punk rock baker as my new coworker. Yep, it's as if every cliche I hoped to avoid has come crashing back. However, it's led to some interesting introspection on my part. Not that I haven't waxed on about how punk rock has evolved and become mainstream as I've watched it happen. Hell, I remember the first time I heard Green Day on the normal radio and was pretty sure I was hallucinating. Now, I mention that to the Vegan Bakeress (VB?) and she tilts her head like the RCA dog (wow, could I pack entries with more outdated references? sheesh), and doesn't quite understand how that could be earth-shattering.
No, not the damn music, the fact that there was actual punk rock being played on a normal radio station in a place of business. Granted, it was a Kinko's in Seattle (Capitol Hill no less, but still) but that it was followed in close order that week by the debut of a Bad Religion song about blew my doors off. Oddly though, the fact that it must have been old news by the time I heard them on the radio (as I really didn't listen to a lot of radio save for what used to be KCMU and is now KEXP) it still made be take notice. Our bands were getting played. Bands I'd played with. That it is normal for every little band to kick out into the stratosphere tells me something about the change in the Universe. What that change is, I'm still trying to wrap my head around. But it's odd. To hear VB talk about how she owns a house and is vegan and loves Henry Rollins. Then tells me how her "childhood idols" like Kev seconds are "fat and old." Childhood idols? I got a little tense and warned her not to take Kev's name in vain around me: her childhood idol? My frigging hero. Role model. Something like that. Then she shares her inside knowledge that Ian Mackaye (which she mispronounces, just like all good West Coast kids) once drank a beer. I can barely contain myself...and my mind wanders to years spent at d.c. space, reading MRR, playing crappy little shows, spending months of my life in vans....of group houses, and community center shows...of band arguments, practice space payments, and various retail jobs with other musicians. So much of my life, as we were living it, feeling so out of the loop, so outside of the norm, even in Seattle at times, unless you were on the Hill, it's amazing to me now how normal it all is. I'm still having a hard time putting it into words (having a hard time with that a lot lately. kids: don't do drugs) but there's a strange sense of achievement and disconnect. These kids, with their stretched earlobes and neck tattoos, having no idea of their own history. Of not knowing a time when being punk rock was not about a look or a style, but the lack of said thing. A quick browse of facebook or youtube and you look at old show videos from back in the day and you see such a cross section of types going to see shows, all unified by the fact that they simply didn't fit in anywhere else. As if punk rock was the Ferris Bueller of sub societies in youth culture. Now, thanks to the internet, everyone has a niche and they get to celerate it, but it makes me kind of sad too. There isn't a lot of romance in it. In trusting mailorders to europe, penpals you wrote to three times a week, writing letters at all. Buying actual records. Sitting and listening to them as you paged through MRR or Factsheet 5. I want to be more eloquent - I wonder how many other not-famous-but-once-active d.i.y punk adults are out there struggling with this. Why am I struggling? Shouldn't I be delighted? Stoked that we clearly made a difference at some point? Yet, Republicans still want to yank Planned Parenthood funding and reality TV is all the rage.
Progress?

So. The more things change, the more they stay the same. New kitchen and I'm settling in. It's an interesting set-up, we cook after the restaurant closes so it's just a couple of us bakers, and lately, just me & an intern, as my 25-year-old "boss" has taken a sick leave (and she's only been on the job for 3 mos), reminding me a lot of 5, and we know how that worked out. Better news still is that when my pal gets back from Germany, things could get even better, and the Manager of All Locations (let's call him: Mac) has already expressed interest in my gallettes. Which would be awesome, but right now, in production mode, I don't see it happening very easily. Plus, transportation could be an issue. Last night, all alone closing, I ran into a massive time crunch and realized I left a roulade in the freezer.But, you know what? I'm human, and at least nothing was burnt. Yeah. It's a good kitchen though, very SF MexiMafia, but I'm getting a feel for it. Not having my own transportation blows though, as I would have stayed as long as it took last night if I didn't have to catch that last train. Anyway, it appears so far so good. I just need to focus on shit. As per usual. Really miss the dog like crazy right now, but it's better she's not around really, because the hours are kind of crap. Well, actually, maybe not. She'd sleep all night anyway. Whatever. I'm just a little lonely. Had a brief discussion with CG while he was on the road, but it was, as per usual because he was lit up like a pumpkin. Many things were said and promised (as usual) and then 4 days later, he has no recollection of any of the conversation and texts me asking the same questions he asked when we spoke. Typical. Why I fall for this routine time and time again is just another indication of how useless that relationship is. Whatever. I know how I feel, I know what I believe in, and if I can just keep my standards to the level he instilled in me, that will be fine. It's perfect: he can't bury me at work anymore because he isn't there, but he can inspire me, because my recollection is obviously better than the actual product. So glad I'm not involved in the crazy chicken business. All those markets open, what a nightmare.
So glad to be done with that. Today: big production, long, long night, but then, I'm off!
Payday is tomorrow, but I think I will just leave it until Monday - better not to spend it anyway, yeah? Hope it's enough. Otherwise, back to the EDD.
Also, Schwartzenagger thing is funny. Once upon a time I would have written an entire post just on that. I'm kind of glad they are getting divorced, as I never believed in that marriage to begin with, and his inability to honor it is pretty classic. It's amazing that no one seems immune to having shit fall apart.

Aaaaannnnd, seven days later I'm fired. Over a disagreement about my management of CG, but ultimately, about Boss not liking the way I work, or more to the point, the way I interact with him in conjunction with the fact that I'm not a desk jockey of any merit. So when he told me to leave, I did. I probably shouldn't have, from a purely financial standpoint, but, emotionally, I was a disaster and getting worse. I couldn't focus. In fact, in record time (as usual) I found myself in a kitchen again via a pal I made while managing hot dogs, and my almost 3 years of random drifting has clearly taken a toll on my ability to focus. Which is ridiculous, because I literally HAVE NOTHING else to think about, and I'm still doing stupid, stupid shit. But tomorrow will be better. It's just amazing how far removed I feel from everything, and that I let so much stuff frigging blow my plan. At any rate, I just need to DO this for a while, get back in the swing of things. Realize that the 5 years I had of "dues paying" really wasn't. I wrote mostly my own check and got really fricking lucky so now it's go time. Production Go Time. I just can't help but wonder if CG is now comparing notes with Boss on what it's like to try and work with me because I'm so "intense". Whatever. Intense. As if. I never felt comfortable in that job and it simply was not getting any better no matter how hard i tried to do things. Sure, he was kind, on the back of being a total jerk, but whatever. Now it's an almost all-female group (!) and it seems like it will be ok. I hope. Yeah.

This is the part where I regurgitate the feel-good platitiudes...sorry, affirmations. One day at a time. Keep your head up. When a door shuts a window opens. Nothing good comes easy. Through pain, we understand what joy is (I kinda free-formed that one), etc. Not gonna lie. It's been a rough week. Two weeks. Month? Even an awesome pen pal can't take the sting out of a soul-sucking job. There is light at the end of the tunnel (ooh, another one), maybe. Have been launching resumes out at a steady clip, trying to get back into a kitchen. Not gonna wimp out this time. Gonna go for it. Might be getting it through a contact I made at the hot dog thing. So I don't suck. Which is nice to remember, because I have felt totally like the peasant standing in the river as it rises to just at her nose...she can't swim, because the water might cover her. She just tries to stay in place while it flows past, hoping it doesn't rise any further. It's going to get worse over the summer if I stay here and Owner2 has made it clear he has no confidence in me. Maybe I should have fought harder for the festival today, but ultimately, why? So I can watch it go to hell? Sure a victory would be nice, but I'm kind of at a cut-my-losses stage. They won't fire me, and that's their mistake. I won't just storm out, and I will fucking milk it if i have to. Because ultimately, I'm alone, I have to look out for myself. So many moral issues I have. So many tedious issues. The saddest part is having CG come into the place, and I won't be able to stay. But that's part of it too - it breaks my heart to be around him. Again. All the scar tissue that had formed is gone, and it's just another raw nerve to go with the trauma of hot dogs, the death of the real dog and the loneliness of being so far from family and other than the big K2, friends who really know me.
I miss Seattle. Though if I take another new job I'm not going anywhere. Crap. i really wanted this to work, but it hasn't ever felt right. At all. MUST make it right.

Dammit. When I say i love food, i'm not kidding. i love making it, eating it, shopping for it, reading about it, breaking it apart, and hell - it turns out, i even kind of like serving it (matt and christian are spinning uncontrollably; not in their graves, but possibly in place, as I type this. i am, in Mia Zapata's famous refrain "NOT a (server)". But yeah. it's becoming crystal clear to me, with the help of CG in his reprisal of the role of "Chef Guy" that I need to get back with the food. Sweet or savory, but as I waxed on about my Caprase at Lantana, seriously, I missed it. I miss building those salads every night. As I spoke the words I felt this low-level rush of adrenaline. of that push of service, that joy of Craig coming back to tell me how blown away the table was. How I KNEW it ruled., When you finish a plate that is spectacular - I fucking miss that sooooo much, and cannot express it to anyone other than CG, and he can't hear it , because his life is so much more complicated now. Which I get, and which is good, in that his razor sharp anger isn't targeting anymore, and that is nice. I like him so much now. It makes going through all the nonsense before ok, and I'm glad, because all I ever wanted was to work with him on a level playing field. And we are almost there. Maybe. if I don't get all dragged into some sort of crazed pen-pal relationship with a guy I might just talk to on the phone for the first time soon. It's all so "Gavin & Stacy" but subbing out the Tottenham for Arsenal, and the Wales for the Bay Area. Odd, but ok, I guess. It's gotta happen somehow. I just...am torn, and can't talk to my old pal in the F-no right now. It's outside that realm, and she's seen me fall so many times, I don't want her to offer solace. I need to do this without her, though it's odd to even type that, much less accept it as fact.
I'm aware I'm self-involved, and when we broached the "mama" issue in a drive-by conversation today, fucking CG was ON. It was amazing. Where he would have previously pounced for blood he let it go. Awesome. Aces. Him=happy, pretty awesome. Him with the SwissTasmanianDevil for a week - who knows? Whatever, just keep gettin up every day. When I told him my brother told me to "keep my head up" he had an interesting repsonse, and it made me hesitate.
I'm amazed at the caliber of people I get to meet. Sure, sometimes it takes a bit to get to them, but it's never uninteresting. Currently dealing with my Commissary manager, A, and things are taking an odd turn. If it was the A(dolpho) from Lantana, I might understand.
Wait. Maybe it is. Wife, Kids, christian. Blow job in the walk-in next? Yikes. See, you can't make this shit up, and I need to get back to work on the manuscript. Or spec script? Hrm....

It's true - I don't watch the news anymore. Not even CNN (which used to be on continually when I was dating SMRGE, though we toned it down when the child came to live with us...oh, so much of that gawdawful japaneseinspired cartoon tripe...what was her name? can't remember now, but it will come to me shortly, surely *sailor moon, it's name was sailor moon). But I do watch the Daily Show, which is like news, but with my filter on, so that's nice. And, of course, Jon Stewart is DREAMY. More dreamy than Cesc, yes. Right. So. I've been absent for most of the Libya debacle, save for the moments when my INSANE swiss boss starts using it as a metaphor for management styles. Holy crap. I literally stood back and let my internal monologue go into great detail as he rambled on, and on, and on. It was a typical anti-American screed. Which always makes me smirk because HEY! SWISSGUY! WHERE YOU LIVE NOW?...WHY??? if it's so goddamn great elsewhere (and of course, you'll get no argument from me, christ, if I could figure out a way to decamp to anywhere in Europe and live, I would be on the first plane out of here) GO. I am tired on the constant berating of my poor, sad countrymen (and of course, women). Tired of your ridiculous ethnic tirades, especially about the Mexicans who are the backbone of your company. Seriously. You, and your ridiculous Japanese wife, need to stop with the racial slurs already. It is going to come to a point where I will have to draw a line. I am already feeling a moral twinge, and it's getting worse. You calling people by your secret "Jalapeople" name isn't helping. You enabling flawed Kenyans, is only making it more painful. You treating me like a small chimp with cymbals is irritating, and makes me wish, for the first time in 7 years, that I'd never left reprographics. Nice work, Swissguy. Nice work
Wait, this was going to be about my lack of media consumption. Ah well. What I should actually write about is the guy, locally, who is hanging the "Free Leonard" signs in my area. The guy who I hope will be back on the overpass once the weather improves. The guy who is still committed to the fight. I mention it because I miss being committed to something, to change, to helping change come about. I almost feel like I'm not sure how to make it happen anymore, I'm so consumed and depressed by all these people having babies and turning the world in on itself on themselves, so that everything is about them, the wonder of their child.
And it seems they lose sight of the rest of the world. Which I guess is how it goes. And it means I need to remain sober and vigilent becuase who the hell else will? How does this work now>

I forget sometimes. That I have experienced some amazing stuff, come across some individuals who have touched me, and in turn, have let me know that I have touched them. I am a habitual leaver of people, of contact, of assuming that less is more, or that if they aren't reaching out to me, they don't want to be reached....yeah. What's got me on this tangent? A little light housekeeping (as, let's be honest LIGHT housekeeping is really the only kind I do) had me sorting through cds, and I found a compilation that Peter, the Lantana bartender had made for me. Now. I'm a sucker for mix tapes, and in this millennium have learned to accept cds as a reasonable (barely) facsimile. I love that I know how to spell facsimile because I worked at Kinko's. I gained so much from those years...
Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, Peter. He of the knowing glance and stories from volunteering in Tanzania, though, like so many of us misfit toys who ended up at Lantana, he was docked in Fresno for the moment. We had a good rapport (as I recall - though it's misty, I was pretty constantly pickled through much of that experience; including, but not limited to the evening of our official opening, when I was so literally hung over that I found myself on all fours on the brand new tiles of the women's restroom hurling my guts out, and staggering back to my station to work the shift pale and shaking, but finished it nonetheless. Imagine how amazing my work would have been, had I been sober).
Yeah, so, Peter. He was forever playing amazing samba and latin jazz stuff in his 2001-space odyssey bar. It struck me particularly because I had worked with a guy from Brazil (or so he claimed) named Fernando at a record store called Nobody Beats The Wiz when I was in WDC. Fernando wore a slick eurotrashy suit to work every day and sold cds like a mofo to yuppies who wandered into our Georgetown store during their lunch. In the passing hours of the day he introduced me to everyone from Sade to Gilberto Gil. it was awesome, and as has often been the case in my musical education, I learn best from people who are passionate about what they listen to. To the point of even listening to and appreciating TOOL, but that is another story altogether.
The pre-service trips through the bar I would make - generally to communicate the specials of the day, as I reigned over both appetizers and desserts and took an odd and bizarre pleasure in making sure the front of the house could explain my shit, were always punctuated by a lively conversation with Peter where he, like Ryan and a few others, would quiz me about the food. My compatriot, the Executive Chef, the delightful Ray, wasn't quite as intense about that, though he was certainly intense about his food and getting it done. He also looked great in his whites.
Again, another story for another time. My point, if there is one, is that there was a cadre of young males (my favorite demographic, in case that was in doubt...) that were interested in food, and looked to me as their source - and, while I had only so much experience, what I lacked in actual miles logged I had more than made up for in passion and an adaptability with recipes. I tweaked the hell out of everything I was curious about: French Laundry ideas? Yup. Chez Panisse inspired? Yup again. Both Ray and I were skating along, making it up as we went, and getting away with it for quite a while (well into a year plus before I bailed), and honestly, all I was trying to communicate to the FOH boys was my passion for amazing food, great produce, for caring about what you do versus the shit you sling at Claim Jumper (not that it's bad to do that, after all, you gotta pay the rent sometimes, but for us, then, it was all I lived for, and since I couldn't be working at those dreamy restaurants, I was bound and determined to create the experience for myself, as best I could anyway). It worked, and Peter seemed quite taken with my rabid devotion to the farmer's markets, and made me several cds of the Brazilian music he favored. Later, when I moved on from Lantana, he gave me a fantastic book about heirloom tomatoes (the holy grail for me, which I expressed eloquently in a fantastic caprase that still makes my heart swell, just thinking about how beautiful those plates were, how fantastic they tasted....argh). So I was reading his inscription to me in the book and it, like so many similar things made me wonder about subtext, about my inability to act on things. There was an amazingly drunken evening that finished at his house - I awoke in a room I could barely remember being in, and I was alone...it was typical of the time. We were so close all of us, when the restaurant started, and then like so many relationships it all fell apart. Ah well.
I still have the book, the cds and warm thoughts again.
I was going to wax on about the significance of mixtapes/cds, but maybe next time. You know, I've only made one for anyone else (CG, of course) - didn't even make one for SMRGE...but have had many made for me. Kind of miss music as communication. Remembering now the FOH guy at Pangea who until he heard me listening to the Get Up Kids while prepping one afternoon, kind of hated me a bit because I was pretty rough on him - and he immediately opened up, and a day later came in with not one, but 3 cds for me. Funny, really. When I get all wigged out about being alone, and about not being very successful with personal interactions (which is easy to do when everyone you have an actual relationship with ultimately leaves you and goes on to find their actual soul mate & true happiness, and yet you continue on, wondering what the hell it will take to understand the reality of what is going on around you...) it's good to remember that some people do dig you, or HAVE dug you. That every now and then, you'll get a phone call from a long lost pen pal, or an email from someone you love a ton but think has forgotten you...it's why I keep getting up every morning, even though my dog is gone and my job is lacking and I'm struggling to find that outlet, that thing that will let me fly again. Or something like that. If you've never lost, never hurt, never failed, how can you know what success feels like, right?
Yeah.

Turns out i'm still a pretty good pen pal. Arsenal fan and now new pen pal (ok, not pens, but email, but it's the same sort of exchange, and we do actually send packages in the mail too - which is awesome and fun) Simon is all that's keeping me in the mix right now. Haven't mentioned it to anyone, seems a little goofy. i mean, sure, I'll tell my best pal, but otherwise, it'll stay on the DL (except for shouting it here, into the ether!) until it manifests itself. But for now, he's funny, smart, loves Nasri & Sagna, lives not far from Emirates, and...at least in the photos, nice to look at. Haven't spoken on the phone yet, and I'm completely happy about that. In no hurry, enjoying the flirting, the mystery, the discovery. That part where everyone unloads all their baggage in one longwinded night, that's bullshit, and I'm glad for there being thousands of miles for now, something to look forward to is good now. It's what I need, because I'm floundering here and need something to take me outside of that seems to be this spiral. My goal is to meet, there, not here.
Not here, not now. There, not too far from now, though.
*sigh*

It was a whim. Like most things I do, it was impulsive, and the immediate rush when I received a phone call 7 minutes after sending off my resume clearly blinded me. Or, I have effectively lost any and all ability to focus. To set goals. To fucking STUDY, and PREPARE. Jeezus. I had to call back within 5 minutes because I realized I had neglected to remember the caller's name, being so blown away by her immediate response. So, that clearly set the tone. I tried to convince myself last night that it wasn't a big deal; "Well, at least she'll think I'm honest and can admit if I've left something out or don't know something." But tonight, at the interview. Who have I become? Stammering, unable to string together coherent thought, unable to effectively communicate what desserts I like to make most? What inspires me? What doughs CAN I make? She says "pate brisee?" and I fumble around like a 15-year-old at her first kegger. Pathetic. Then, have the temerity to say what I want out of my job is to "be happy" jesus christ, that would put the fear of god into any interviewer, me especially? WARNING: highly combustible ego ahead. Yeah. Top that mountain of shite off with a ridiculous monetary demand (which isn't, really, or shouldn't be, but in Berkeley where surely there will be a 26 year old with 4 housemates who can live on $12 an hour, i'm toast). I felt it going down the drain as it was happening and began grasping at straws, but she let me down gently. I don't expect to be asked back to stage, and so, all I can do now is to take this experience into the next one. PS jackass, don't just BRING your book, REVIEW it. Prepare for the interview for the love of Kevin Second's mother!! On that note though, she did seem to be amused that I was in a punk rock band for 15 years. Yeah, big whoop. I am going to die alone in the gutter, penniless, wishing to god I spent less time reading twitter and more time in the sun. What the hell is wrong with me?
Also, back on the wagon again. Well, mostly. No spirits, and am 2 beers away from being clean and serene, AGAIN. Well, clean at any rate. serene? yeah, got one day of SRM in before that went to hell. Tried to meditate in the morning, and all it did was almost make me fall asleep on the drive in. Nonsense, it's all nonsense. Also, should have accepted the offer of a sandwich from potential employer. WTF? I just didn't want any of them to have to make me anything. Ah well. Nice neighborhood though - I suspect it's where my boss and his delightful japanese wife & child live. Ack. how awkward would THAT be?

Ok, so that was getting things off to somewhat of a morose start last night, but what the heck. So. We've got apocalypse stuff going on all over the world, and so I'm taking refuge in British sitcoms, and British football. That's right, I'm gonna be that girl. If I lived in England, it'd be really scary, but luckily (?) I don't, so it's just a mild obsession, though, granted, one that doesn't have a really positive outlet. That is, that I could physically attend games with other humans, go to pre- & post- match gatherings. As it is, I can only join other american fans for live broadcasts in pubs at 7am. Which is excellent on matchdays i don't work, and was wonderful for the first part of the seeason at my other job when I was typically off on Tuesday and Wed, both midweek days that games usually were broadcast at 11:30am - Guiness for lunch and breakfast - how can you not love a game like that? sadly, I changed jobs, and rarely am free on a matchday, and don't have enough seniority to be able to duck out. Boohoo. Anyway, the boys (the Adorkables, check //kickette.com for more fun stuff like that) are having a rough go at the moment, but I hope to be able to ramp up some useful commentary soon. Currently, I'm still pretty new to the whole endeavor, and so I refrain from a lot of ranting.
Leaves time for the whining about my job, and being lonely in the Bay Area, as well. Yeah.
So anyway, British TV. Liked Skins more than I should have (being as I'm 3x the age the target market is, but so well-written, hard to pass up - plus: teen binge drinking and drug use, how is that not entertaining? Plus also, british teen slang, yay! So there's that. gavin & stacy, of course. And then Peep Show, which then led inexplicably to a barrage of Brit panel quiz show - the most epic starring one of my favorite Gooners, Alan Davies. So that's fun. And of course, regular doses of Top Gear (oh, the Hamster makes me all gooey!) and an older show, Green Wing, that features two of the main actors in the new show Episodes. Yeah. Loving it. Loving the fact that "fuck" is used easily, that slang is creative, and everyone, even dim soccer players like John Terry sound more intelligent with an accent. Better still are the international players, like my favorite, Bac, who are, say french, but have adopted britenglish. Love it!

in memory of Hopey

Just a quick note to try and jumpstart this brogmess....still miss the dog, and though insensitive jerks who try and tell you that certain forms of life are more valuable and meaningful than others - here's what I know: that dog became a part of my life, intrinsically when she was 7 weeks old, 17 years ago next month. I spent her entire life with her (save about 3 weeks when i was away, when she either stayed with my mother, or with my housemate, but never in a kennel); walking her for real twice a day, playing with her every day, rain or shine, horrific life circumstances or no. She was with me when my father died, when I got married, when I got divorced, when I was diagnosed with cancer, when I received my DUI, and every other epic moment. She was the bridge that transported me from one life to another. And now, she is gone. You can think that her life was worth less than that of a child, but for me, she was the center of my world, and to lose her is still heartbreaking, almost 5 months later, I can barely write words without completely dissolving into tears. I write this for everyone who has chosen not to have children because they wanted circumstances to be ideal, and understand that to take responsibility for another being (canine, human, or otherwise) is a real and honest undertaking.
Yes you can leave a dog alone in a house. People do it to kids all the time too. It's not rightin either case. We should celebrate everyone who values companionship, responsibility and love. Let's stop belittling people who have chosen not to have kids as not "experiencing the greatest joy in the world" - there are great joys for everyone, and that definition is limiting and often hurtful.
I'm sick of watching people blunder into parenthood and then lord it over others, when those of us who have chosen not to follow that path have to constantly explain themselves, as if we are defective.
Anyway. This morning, I miss Hopester more than ever, her wise acceptance and steely perseverance is missed night and day. I am glad she is out of pain, and hope that soon, the pain of being without her will fade as well.

Wow. It goes from surreal to just plain silly. New job, and hitting at a very intense time, and as always in food service (i'd say the kitchen, but in this instance it's at "the cart" every little thing makes you (ok, me) feel like the biggest jackass every. doesn't help with micro managing bosses (though, and i think this is a reflection on how far i've really come) you know yer gonna get shit for dumb stuff all the time. the thing that always really pisses me off, is, of course, nepotism. especially when other people, who are merely temping get all full of themselves, which brings me to my other point: wait, it's still favoritism. Yes, the woman who's known the boss linger, yet makes the same bullshit mistakes i do (worse, she really botched the tickets at the end of the shift) doesn't even get a blink, but i get a severe lecture on slicing buns ("perfectly in the middle") ((a: as if anyone ever does them all that way and b: buns are not static. some are warped thicker at one end, etc. NOT ALWAYS GONNA BE PERFECT. New boss though is the king of personnel, and his little asides and tone of voice and phrasing isn't helping: i know he's pissed, but he, unlike others, really undestand tdamin servers.The power of phrasing and communication. so that's cool.
Also, tips are nice.
Meanwhile, while I get all pissy about work, let's change topics to something better: namely that my pals Michelle and Kyle from KMK, Felix (from the Vinyard FM) and even DARIO (that's adam to me but Dario! for effect stopped by. That part was tragic, because Adam is like family almost and it killed me to not be able to hang out with him. But anyway, at least i got the hug (and some arm squeezes, and there was an awkward moment of almost kissing. strange. yeah.

Just for old time's sake (and to give a break to the whining i've been prone to lately, the Five:
. What do you do for a living?
I am a cook at a shelter for homeless and abused kids.

2. What do you like most about your job?
I am able to combine my love for cooking with an intense desire to do something to help others in need.

3. What do you like least about your job?
Being a non-profit means paying a less-than-living-wage at this point.

4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____...
there's been a lack of planning by management, but honestly, i haven't had a BAD day yet.

5. What other career(s) are you interested in?
Photographer for National Geographic, of course!

and then it all turns to shit, and quickly. i bought the whole long-distance i love you thing, until i found his personal ad. what a cliche. calling me all the names he is in fact living up to right now. he doesn't love me. doesn't care about me. and once again i am in a monetary hole, and alone. how is it that i keep doing this over, and over? dunno. better job with no real pay right now, but that looks sketchy. dunno how to pay for school, and well...it is all almost too much to even write about anymore. again.

whatever happens now, happens. it seems good, the way things seem to be finally making sense, as if all the pain and drama and confusion are finally distilling into something concrete. but, ultimately, what it comes down to, as it often does, is my self esteem. the confidence to keep on in the face of my entire life just blowing apart is not just character building, but solid proof that I can do whatever i set my mind to do. the key is deciding what to do.
right now, SMRHE is off rocking. wish i was too, but then, also, having a new life is promising. might have a new, scary challenging job. that would allow me to save up. to go to school, to go to europe, to...go. and that's what i want to do - GO.
p.s. bill murray still rules the school.
oh, and my fresno scene report was well recieved by j, which bodes well for the future, i think. i've been here before, it's not so bad.

For a minute there, I saw daylight. Went to the 'Nats show as a final live show in a populated area before begining the long, cold, isolation excercise that has become my month east before heading south. It was a good show, though I took *Courtney* with, as she was the only person willing to brave the Croc on a Thursday. So that was kind of a drag, but it went okya, because after a couple of mixed signals, I coughed up the courage to approach SingerGuy and to make contact and it was good, and positive, and led to a sprited email exchange which naturally came to a screeching halt as soon as i mentioned the hurling/ridicule part of our night together. Damn MCWDITW, swear. And now I'm going back and forth about emailing a follow-up, but am certain that if i email it will look even more pathetic and desperate, so i guess i just leave it like i leave everything else. i mean, what to do? didn't go to the xmas party show as i was here in exile. am struggling with SMRGE and my feelings about this seperation. I want so much to be civil and understanding, but everywhere around me is anger at him. I don't even know really if i DO want to ever get together again, because ultimately, even if we do have so much in common - he's lying to me about receiving my emails and probably about the letters too - and i can't confront him about it, because, well a) im not supposed to know this and b) what's the point, beyond: hey he's lying to you to remove the responsibility of writing to you so THINK about that goof.
yeah. think about it. it's hard not to when it's all you've got time to do.
right. i lost my focus this weekend, ate enough to see on the scale (ulp) and so i need to get back into the zone.
also, the Eugene contingent is scary and rabid and a little troubling, but i'll bring it up with ken so that nothing is a huge suprose. he'll understand a quick SMRGE-reduction excercise - though if Xmas goes as i expect (will it? will anything go as planned ever again?) then i might not want to wipe that away - just like i didn't want UberEx to be the last taste in my mouth, i dunno if i want the Mistake I Made re:drummer in rad band i could have been with in seattle to be the last one i make.
y'know, writing in code blows. i don't know if i use the names if it will get hits, but after the diaryland escapade i'm scared.
ok, more blather later.

Woo, I'm soaking in it! Yeah. Not all that happy yet to be back in the pool of uncertainty, but paddling along nonetheless...and about ready to cuddle up to the new 'Nats cd for a good long time - it's definitely going to be the soundtrack for my transition. Painful, bittersweet, all of that. They play on the 21st (or sometime that weekend) and i think i would like to make that my last live show for a while - sure it'd be nice if it were a Juno show, but that isn't going to happen, so I'll go for the next best thing, possible collisions with the past be damned. I need to hear those new songs live. Then move on.
It's so hard for me right now, and as much as i want to talk to the people around me who care - my mom, k&k, my brother (well both of them, it appears - who knew mark would care so much? i bet he'd pound SMRHE into the ground if i said the word...weird) - but right now - i just feel so deeply sad. this is all such a bad move, but in my heart i knew there were big problems, and his constant declarations of unconditional love...weren't. And mine? mine were - at least as far as made to the person i thought he was. but now - and god, i hate that it's such a goddamn cliche...but it wasn't what i thought it was. i had clues, but ignored them, and in so doing, let a lot of this shit happen. i knew his heart is lost to the past (is mine?)...maybe we ARE too much alike to be able to function as a unit. I think we are going to have to get a divorce and that kills me. i knew it. knew it, knew it.
so sad. confused, and most of all: tired. i need a month off again. and then, it all starts new. again.
i am so very tired of reinventing my life. why can't i just be...just be. one last appointment (probably) with dr.s today, and then who knows what happens next.

So, yeah, it's really going to happen. Yikes. Meanwhile, let's commence with the Five:

1. What food do you like that most people hate?
Most people...tough, 'cause i like lots of things, but the thing that usually gets the most attention is eating whole tomatos like apples, i guess. i also quite like wasabi, but loads of people do now.

2. What food do you hate that most people love?
I am not a big fan of corn, except as a very fresh ear, or as polenta. Bot kernal corn - ick.

3. What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you?
Yeah, I'm not getting Justin Timberlake. He looks like Screech to me.


4. What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find
attractive?
Gosh, I dunno - Kevin Smith?


5. What popular trend baffles you?
The girls wearing their thong underwear out above the pants...don't get that or the whole belly hanging over everywhere thing.

Well, this very well may come alive yet, as i'm about to launch myself, once again into a new life, courtesy of the Slightly-Less-Rockin'-Than-I-Thought-Husband-Ever's realization that he needs to go relive his nightmare of 10 years ago and try to change the result. I, having nursed him through 3 years of self-examination and attempts at helping fix the situation, just can't go along with the program this time. thus, he will be staying in this city, and i will hit the road. first to ellensburg, to give some facetime to my mom through the holidays, and then headin' south to Fresno to enjoy the sun and fun of actually living in a place where i've got some real, non-substance abusing friends. woohoo. maybe back to school. maybe just another graphics job, but either way, i'm pulling up the stakes, packing the tent and hauling the dog&ponytail show back on the road dammit. i've been here too long anyway. truth be told, i really did have delusions of doing this with my husband, but cest la vie, yeah?
so on to the pointless drivel:
1. What was your first Halloween costume?
Photographic evidence reaveals woody woodpecker, or possibly a bizarre fairy-ish get up, depending on the age of the photos. earlier than that, i have no recollection of, and my parents didn't go in for putting babies in costume.

2. What was your best costume and why?
I was Hobbes, and Mike was Calvin. It was perfect (though i was a bit of a rounder hobbes than one might envision) because it fit our demeanors and physical appearance (except mike was taller, but otherwise it worked) and i made my tiger suit: i dyed a union suit orange and painted stripes on it, and then did a little makeup thing with my face - i think the only fucked up part was the ears - i don't think i had the ears going on, but it was great fun. i even stuffed and made a tail, and had the best time frolicking about the party (a party full of senate interns, it ruled!) more tigger than hobbes by the end of the evening.

3. Did you ever play a trick on someone who didn't give you a treat?
No. But my brother was all about that.

4. Do you have any Halloween traditions? (ie: Family pumpkin carving, special dinner before trick or treating, etc.)
tend to avoid it altogether now.

5. Share your favorite scary story...real or legend!
hurmpph. don't really have one.

There's gotta be more to this than just knee-jerk reactions to theFriday Five yeah? Maybe. Maybe not. Still trying to finesse that part. Still trying...so much to say, especially after reading some Noam Chomsky and stuff - getting the gears churning. Ideas need energy and time though. We'll try for that this weekend...until then:
1. Name five things in your refrigerator.
leftover tomato soup
leftover parmesan garlic soup
capers
diet coke
cheese (three types!)

2. Name five things in your freezer.
ice
french fries
pizza dough
pies
mochi!

3. Name five things under your kitchen sink.
trash can
dog food
comet cleanser
murky stuff in the back....

4. Name five things around your computer.
lupe
coffee thermos - almost empty :(
plastic lizard with a girls head on a string
crazy clown figure
lisa simpson under a dome


5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet.
bandaids
wax
dog meds
smrhe's meds
baby powder

Just for fun, and because if i start a rant about the election in California it will just devolve into making me angry, and well, no one reads this anyway, so i posted it at the journal that still might get some hits...so yeah. here's a quickie Five:
1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones?
Occasionally. I usually get caught up in tennis, baseball and lately, now that it gets airtime, skateboarding and bmxing. Horse racing, but it doesn't get broadcast much. I've been to the track a few times, but i'm not much of a gambler so it gets old quick. Also, sometimes, i'll leave a weekend golf match on if Tiger is doing well, or they are playing in some messed up wind or something....

2. What/who are your favorite sports teams and/or favorite athletes?
I am a John McEnroe fan from waaaaaaaaaaaaay back. Still. Team sports don't really rock my world, but i have a soft spot for underdogs, so i like the Cubs and locally the mishap-ridden Seahawks and Sonics amuse me. I also have an affection for jockey Steve Cauthen, who rode my all-time favorite sports event: the Affirmed/Alydar Kentucky Derby. Oh, and i followed Boom-boom Mancini as a kid too. WEird.

3. Are there any sports you hate?
I generally kinda hate all team sports, cause i think they engender a herd mentality that's not constructive. Auto racing kinda mystifies me. Gymnastics and ice skating are pretty irritating as "sports".

4. Have you ever been to a sports event?
Sure. Best ever: John Mc Enroe vs. Jimmy Conners with my dad. That fully ruled.

5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play?
Nope. I liked basketball as a kid, but had no discipline. I was briefly considering softball as a teenager, but bailed. I'm not much of a joiner as far as that goes.

Generally, i don't like to talk about dreams, cause i'm one of those types who is pretty damn sure that no one wants to hear about your dreams (unless they were in it, in which case, it's still probably not something that you want to hear) - but since i haven't been keeping a paper journal for almost a frigging year now (sporadically, but nothing like i used to) where i usually scribble little reminders about them, just so that years from now i can go "wow, how funny that that is what was on my mind back then". So in that vein: note to self, 2 dreams of note in this time of working 5-3 with serious marital insomnia.
1) the croat makes an appearance of an amourous nature, but in another one of the almost serial "had no idea i was so into YOU' way. yum.
2) the B makes somes to me in my dream and once again tells me to knock off the bullshit. this time at some sort of parent-teacher thing (though whose parent i was i'm not sure. it may have been the Urchin, but not clear) and he came up to me in the back row, either with a skateboard or on his way to skate, and told me i had no business worrying about this shit.
i think anyway. i woke up feeling distinctly chagrined.
thanks b-bob.

Never got back to last weeks question, not that anyone is reading this but me later...but still. I have ideas, but it always comes down to Friday

1. Who is your favorite singer/musician? Why?
Such a hard question - especially now. But I think it still is Kevin Seconds - and not just because of the music he makes (alone and with 7Seconds) but also for the life he's chosen to make with it, which is pretty damn awesome.
I'm also quite fond lately of Jeff Tweedy, in all his incarnations band-wise. Definitely musically one of the most interesting guys creating stuff right now.

2. What one singer/musician can you not stand? Why?
Oh, sooo many. But Kid Rock. I just plain do not get that. At all. I get Limp Biscuit, but I don't get Kid Rock. But there are soooo, sooo many others. Mostly anyone who sings to backing tracks and doesn't make any of the music themselves - those are the ones I really have a low tolerence for. It seems pretty fucking insulting to the listener, like you'd need eye candy to listen to anything good.

3. If your favorite singer wasn't in the music business, do you think you would still like him/her as a person?
Well, Kevsecs probably isn't really in the business, but if he weren't I think I'd definitely like him as a person, maybe even more (would totally depend on how much more jock-ish he'd get, I suppose. Maybe punk rock saved him from a life of team sports and high fives.

4. Have you been to any concerts? If yes, who put on the best show?
Yes, plenty. Best by far: the Gits. Mia, Steve, Matt and Andy = best band anywhere.
Also pretty damn cool: Juno.

5. What are your thoughts on downloading free music online vs. purchasing albums? Do you feel the RIAA is right in its pursuit to stop people from dowloading free music?
I think I like liner notes and album covers, but you can't really appreciate that in the cd format, so I'm torn. If I could still GET LPs I'd say why bother with crap mp3s. You should buy albums from the bands - that's why I dig punk rock. Anyway, basically I think that albums should be bought - but that you should be able to download songs to listen to, because there are soooo many sucky bands that it's just not feasible to expect people to cough up $20 for a cd by a band they've only heard one song from. I don't think mp3s are high enough quality to pay for personally, nor are they user-friendly (for most people) so if I dig a band, I buy the album (but I try and get it used or real cheap). Best answer to this question: stupid record companies simply lower the price of cds to a more managable 8 bux. Cds would fly off shelves - but it's almost too late for that now. I think the RIAA is chopping off it's own hands by suing it's potential customer base. You cannot legislate the kind of conumerism they want. Forcing people to create new ways to steal music is all you're gonna do by taking legal action. I once wrote a rant about Metallica regarding their little threats on the downloading issue. What I said then
Bad Metal Band - No Biscuit! holds true still for me.

1. Is the name you have now the same name that's on your birth certificate? If not, what's changed?

2. If you could change your name (first, middle and/or last), what would it be?

3. Why were you named what you were? (Is there a story behind it? Who specifically was responsible for naming you?)

4. Are there any names you really hate or love? What are they and why?

5. Is the analysis of your name at kabalarians.com / triggur.org / astroexpert accurate? How or how isn't it?

1. What housekeeping chore(s) do you hate doing the most?
i dislike the bathroom. always have.

2. Are there any that you like or don't mind doing?
dishes. the kitchen is ok. though i'm not a huge fan of the refrigerator. (cleaning i mean. i dig cold storage for food)

3. Do you have a routine throughout the week or just clean as it's needed?
kind of a routine, but SMRHE does the house stuff (vacuum, sweep, etc) about once a week. kitchen every night. the rest, is as-needed.

4. Do you have any odd cleaning/housekeeping quirks or rules?
i freak out about grease on handles, and i'm a bit of a freak about how the silverware should go in (handle down, not headfirst - icky). oh, and i hate wadded up wet towels and washclothes - i have an issue with mold.

5. What was the last thing you cleaned?
animals water bowl this morning.

not a good week - though several times i've wanted to just pound out some words about repeated dreams involving the Ex, weirding me out as it's happened at least 3 nights in a row now (WTF? we're supposed to go see the band play tomorrow, so maybe it's all this dread about seeing that? i don't think i've ever seen them play minus me...deep, deep trauma) and then all the repeated listens of the cool 'nats song - and that makes me think about S more than i should...and up soon is b-shoot and as per usual, since i've had the pentultimate b-shoot experience with him i'm almost sure to be all moony on monday. and also there's certainly a chance i could see him as well - as it'll be wilco we go for and surely (though i'm sure he's seen them many times before, i can't imagine he'll pass up the chance to see them with rem too) they'll be in there...somewhere.
on that poignant note (hee!)
1. Are you going to school this year?
gosh, i've thought about it: culinary school. or trying to get a substitute teaching job. or even just a night class in writing or something. but i'm not signed up at all - cause it costs money. which we don't have.

2. If yes, where are you going (high school, college, etc.)? If no, when did you graduate?
no. graduated high school in the fine Orwellian year of 1984. Good year, turns out. I left college in '88.

3. What are/were your favorite school subjects?
English, history and electives, of course. Especially: t.a. in library and a/v (seriously!) in jr high; paperstaff and photography in highschool.
college? dug almost all my classes - except for the damn math. but that's cause i picked what i wanted to take. LOVED my anthropology classes and almost changed my major. also thoroughly enjoyed african politics and the anarchism seminar!

4. What are/were your least favorite school subjects?
math and science, but i lay blame with teachers on that. killed my interest, and not one person EVER mentioned what you could DO with a biology degree (like study marine life and shit).

5. Have you ever had a favorite teacher? Why was he/she a favorite?
Several favorites - starting with Mr Brunnar in 5th grade (he built my self confidence), then Mr Gray in jr high (again with the independant spirit and appreciation for wit and effort), and though neither of them probably even remember me, Mr Hill and Dahlquist in high school, for encouraging my interest in the world outside high school.
no female teachers - except Ms Atkins in jr high, her strength, power and abilty to articulate resonated in me, though she and i weren't especially close either.
other females? nope, not really. didn't really get into female role models ironically.

link, though i never post there...

1. When was the last time you laughed?
watching bowling for columbine, actually - the frigging south park history cartoon plus the crazy nichols man makes me laugh in between thoughful crying bits.
and the husband made me laugh out loud the other day. the dog makes me smile everyday.

2. Who was the last person you had an argument with?
husband, but it wasn't a big arguement. i had a disagreement with a salesperson at work yesterday, that almost qualified as an arguement - after repeating myself 4 times, i was on the verge of yelling at her stupid, dyed-to-cover-the-grey-blonde head.

3. Who was the last person you emailed?
eh, work: my customer service guru.
personal: debra. no one emails me much anymore.

4. When was the last time you bathed?
5:45 this morning. shower. i haven't had a bath in a couple months. i don't really like baths.

5. What was the last thing you ate?
oh, man, the new carmel apple flavor Luna bar. yummy.

boring, boring, boring.
there. that said, now here is where i would ramble aimlessly about all the junk that's rumbling through my head about the usual suspects...but won't cause that's boring too. considered actually calling a career advisor today. might still get around to doing it.
culinary school. that's what i'm thinking.
i mean, if i'm going to work to make people happy, under deadline pressure, then, shouldn't i be cooking instead of desperately trying to make machines do shit they aren't built to do? right. i mean, it'll be a shame i don't make cards anymore, but oh well...
or something like that.
five.
1. How much time do you spend online each day?
too much. added up - probably close to half my workday is spent online, save for the occasional (very occasionsl) days when i'm actually too busy to gon online. but generally, at least 4 hours worth of on-net time.

2. What is your browser homepage set to?
google.

3. Do you use any instant messaging programs? If so, which one(s)?
briefly used messenger and also that AOL mess, but i don't have enough buddies to be worthwhile, so i bailed on that aspect of online life.

4. Where was your first webpage located?
Microsoft's homepages, followed almost immediately by a diaryland site.
But Hopeyland was the first. There was an Agent 86 page too, that was really groovy, but when Microsloth killed their webpages, i hadn't backed any of it up (not that i had much idea how to at the time) and so it's all lost to the ether now.

5. How long have you had your current website?
My blogpage is about a year old i think. if the d-land one is considered "current" then about 4 years or so.

Some Five action, and then, maybe, more.

1. What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home state/country?
Golly, guess that has to be Portland, if we're talking home state (ack, how sad is that?) if we're talking country, then it's Iceland, but that was a decade ago. *sigh*

2. What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling?
Ooooh, let's go with waking up at the Serbian border, in a bus full of Norwegians as they discover that the 4-foot tall plants by the side of the road are, indeed, cannibis.
Or on that note: Serbian host telling me either a) "Would you like to see my kilo?" or b) "don't mind that guy, he's just a vetran from the war in Afghanistan, he's really fucked up".
There's more, of course. Like the old trucker who pulled over when we had a flat to let us use his compressor to pump our flat up.
The convenience store clerk outside of Sturgis muttering "Now I know why tigers eat their young." at us while we stood in line with filthy bikers. Soooo many options.


3. If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go?
All over...I'd start with hauling SMRHE to France, so he can smoke in public places, and meet up with Yann. Then to Slovenia, to show him pretty, and calm. Then Italy, to meet up with Adam, then Portugal, to lay by the sea, Spain to eat some Basque stuff, Bordeaux for oldtimes sake, Netherlands for SMRHE, and then I'd get going on places I haven't been. Prague, the Baltics, Turkey, then Tibet. Yeah, Tibet. Maybe some time in South America, like Costa Rica or something. I'd travel forever if I could.

4. Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car?
Crap. Car, I guess. I like to be able to get out wherever I want. Train is nice for speed and efficiency, but forget planes. Boring. Only to keep traveltimes within limits. If time were no object, a boat would be kinda cool. Sailing around the world would be interesting, though SMRHE wouldn't be down with that.

5. What's the next place on your list to visit?
See above, though what's on tap is a vist to lovely Fresno, California.

Get it? drum up enough nerve.
So darned witty.
Now if I could just remember the name of that guy I worked with at Tower with the crazy wild hair who I thought of when I saw a guy on the bus yesterday with the same crazed Einstien (but younger) hair...Dave something....gah.
And uhm, yeah. At a loss for what to write, yet thinking about writing constantly, what can that possibly mean?
Lazy?

Hi J,
Hey, M here (yer ex-drummer's ex-friend, and uh, y'know, stuff...) and I just yesterday got around to listening to "Golden" and the other stuff you guys have up at MP3.com, and just wanted to take a minute to tell you that I think that song is flat-out fantastic.
Seriously, the only thing I've heard recently that has caught my attention like that was recent Wilco, or locally, Juno...anyway, thanks for sharing your music, and I'm looking forward to hearing more new stuff.
Take care,
:)m
(not quite so punk rock anymore)

i just can't seem to drum up the nerve to send it directly, so i'll just post it. no one gets here anyway, right?

Finally:
1. What time do you wake up on weekday mornings?
5am(ish)

2. Do you sleep in on the weekends? How late?
As much and as often as possible - usually until about 9 or so - lately The Single Most Rocking Husband Ever has even been taking it upon himself to fill a nice thermos of fresh coffee for me so I don't have to swill the end of the pot he makes first thing...sooo sweet.

3. Aside from waking up, what is the first thing you do in the morning?
Walk the pup. Ok, first I get dressed then walk the dog, then make coffee, shower, make lunch, dress, then hair & makeup.

4. How long does it take to get ready for your day?
Approximately 45 minutes, including the dog's walk around the block.

5. When possible, what is your favorite place to go for breakfast?
I don't have a favorite place - generally I like breakfast at home. But, anywhere with good coffee (not Starbuck$) and nice sweets - muffins, etc will do. I'm also a sucker for hash browns - but am too lazy to actually get out of the house to purchase them. Me & TSMRHE dig pancakes at home, about 11am on a Sunday most of all.
Nope, we don't read the NYT in bed. Though it's a lovely fantasy....

"I am mindful that we're all sinners and I caution those who may try to take a speck out of the neighbor's eye when they got a log in their own," the president said. "I think it is important for our society to respect each individual, to welcome those with good hearts."

agh. is it really too much to ask that a president of the united states of america, however retrograde in his thinking he is, be able to speak his native language with some small bit of ablility?
seriously.

I don't remember where I read it - but it stuck with me: no one, seriously, NO ONE wants to hear you talk about your dream. Unless they were in it. In which case you probably don't want to tell them (unless it's your Rocking Husband, who delights in telling you about the fucked up adventures you seem to have in his subconcious, and even then, it's a bit tiresome) about it. Seems like i see more and more blogs detailing the dreams of their owners. Check it out people: not crucial. People want to hear about your reali-life (which is always more interesting than made-up shit anyway). Ack.
Ok. More later.

Five:

1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be?
What now?

2. What songs would be on the soundtrack?
certainly some 7seconds, some Jawbreaker, a couple of Nick Drake songs, and of course, some Gits fro the really intense parts.

3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?
Very grainy 16mm. Black and white. Because everything looks better that way.

4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc?
Janeane Garafalo as me, Ed Norton as SMRHE and, ahhhh, Phillip Seymore Hoffman as Mike. Yesss!

5. Describe the movie preview/trailer.
hrmm. need to think on that.

1. When was the last time you cheated?
Cheated. Hurmph. Depends on what we're talking about - but as far as a test, it would certainly be high school. But other cheating? I've never cehated on a mate (but that's because until now, I had never pledged my monogamy to anyone. and no one had ever asked it of me). I've cheated by maybe using the carpool lane when I was alone and in a hurry - something like that, which was a year or two ago.

2. When was the last time you stole?
Yeah, last week. I mean, did i take something that i didn't purchase and use it for myself? yeah. but office supplies are so damn expensive!!

3. When was the last time you lied?
Monday.

4. When was the last time you broke or vandalized another's property?
Sometime in DC (so like '90, or '91), I think - when I was slapping pro-choice stickers on cars displaying anti-choice stickers.

5. When was the last time you hurt a loved one?
Hrmm. I think maybe sometime last year.

why are they still letting Dubya speak? it's humiliating and sad to hear the president of the untied states of america, formerly one of the most influential and successful countries on the planet, sputter and jabber, while two feet away, a man who leads the other major empire-building bad-ass country (that's GREAT Britian to you pal) speak more eloquently than Duby ever could.
i mean, it's all fucking horseshit, but once again, Tony Blair, like Bill Clinton, demonstrated that an ability to speak clearly, persuasively, and passionately, no matter WHAT your message is, will always work. Always. As Marshall McLuen said, what, 40 years ago now? It's not the message, it's the medium.
I'm horrified that Dubya pronounces America "Umuraca".
Horrified.

Someday i'm going to figure out how to migrate the diaryland stuff here. And then, maybe I'll even figure out a way to archive it (back it up) so I'll have a copy of it. Meanwhile, the Five:

1. Do you remember your first best friend? Who was it?
Yeah. My very first, very best friend was Melody Santana. I played with girls who lived next door to me, but they were mean to me generally - Teri and Leah, so i didn't ever consider them "best" friends. I was about 6 I think. Kindergarten and first grade.

2. Are you still in touch with this person?
No. We moved when I was in 4th grade - I don't even remember if I wrote her letters or not. Probably not. Man, I remember going to her house though - it was full of people. She had a lot of brothers and sisters and lived pretty close to school (the opposite direction home from me).

3. Do you have a current close friend?
hell yeah. i mean, obviously there is the SMRHE, but then above and beyond the call of duty, is Karen.

4. How did you become friends with this person?
5th grade. She moved into the small hick town the summer after I did, so we were both basically new together. Plus we were geeky, and gifted, so we were paired up almost immediately. I don't remember exactly what brought us together - I think it was our teacher, Mr Brunnar - he paired us up for a project I think.

5. Is there a friend from your past that you wish you were still in contact with? Why?
Agh, so many. I often wish I still was in contact with Sam from Winnipeg, and then of course The Slovenian, and, uhm...well, Linda, who I worked with at Common Concerns...I dunno...so many friends. I never see Charles anymore, and miss him. I miss Danny from Eugene too. Agh. Sad.

How funny. Last weeks Five was about childrens books, and after reading some other posts (i totally forgot to link mine, but ah well) - there are SO many books I loved as a kid that I had forgotten about. The writer who recently died - the one who wrote a book about a duckling that I don't remember, but he also wrote one about a kid named Homer, and a doghnut making machine - I loved that book! And this morning - the book about Fredrick the mouse - with beautiful illustrations in collages. I had completely forgotten about that book - but I loved it too. I had tons of kids books because my grandmother, and elementary school teacher who retired just about the time I was born had stockpiled tons of them, plus my aunt, who was a school sceretary forever as well, also passed literally hundreds of books on to me (I wanted to say us, but my brothers ignored most of them).

Just start writing. This morning, gore-o-rama: two seagulls dragging a dead sparrow (or some similar-sized grey-brown bird) around, one of them pciking at it, then dragging it away from the other one who was doing the vulture thing where he remained just out of pecking distance, but close enough that if the other seagull got distracted he could easily snag the carcass. It looked like a fresh kill - or at least the open wound. Maybe the sparrow had been dead for a while. Did the gulls kill it? it didn't look smashed, so I'm thinking it wasn't hit by a car. Maybe poisoned? Bad dim sum? Eech.
Want to describe my morning, because i think that's a good practice, but want to get to other stuff this morning. Yesterday, at Dr. S's - good, but weird. I'm still avoiding the bulk of the trouble, and when she bunchs up her face, I can tell she knows I'm avoiding - but she's good at keeping the ball rolling with what I do give her. Yesterday, there was mcuh talk about the voices in my head and how hard tehy are to please. To the point of me avoiding shit in order not to fuck it up. But see, that still doesn't reconcile how I fuck shit up knowingly (like with MCWGITW - I quite clearly remember thinking to myself You shouldn't make this call. You know it will end. " But also thinking that I had nothing to lose, 'cause he was a done deal anyway. Married. Wonder how married life is treating him.) And all the stuff with Darren. Had forgotten a lot of that (though not the good parts. But the not-so-good parts, yeah, let those slip away.) Reading old journals - destructive? I often think so, but then, now, when I look at how chaotic things were (hard to beleive there was so much going on because it felt dead, or normal? or something) and how sad it all made me. I dunno. It's frustrating and sad - all that attention, but I drove it away somehow. Attributing it all to ugliness seems almost too easy now. But it's so hard to tell. Eventually i'm gonna have to talk about it. Not looking forward to that session at all.

Just not happenin' for me...and looking backwards isn't doing me much good either, but y'know, cest la vie and all...
Give the Five a go I guess:
1. What were your favorite childhood stories?
As a little kid - I dug Clifford and a lot of books my grandmother gave me (she was a teacher), plus stuff like "Heidi" and the "Secret Garden" (though I hated the ending of both books).
As far as books I chose go, I was hugely devoted to Harriet the Spy, The Three Investigators, and a series about a racehorse called Sunbonnet. though, really, I read just about everything I could get my paws on.
My favorite family stories were the ones my Mom told about the summers she spent in Oceanside.

2. What books from your childhood would you like to share with [your] children?
See above. Oh, and the Judy Blume books "Are You There God?" and uhm, "Blubber" and of course, "Forever".

3. Have you re-read any of those childhood stories and been surprised by anything?
I re-read some of "Harriet" when Justice was reading it, and was just as impressed now as I was then, though now, I see so much more of the stereotyping in it. Not bad - but the New York stuff, and of course, Harriet being the uber-Tomboy/Dyke. Heh. I always wondered where "it" came from.

4. How old were you when you first learned to read?
Dunno - I can't honestly remember not being able to read. So early - maybe 2 or so?

5. Do you remember the first 'grown-up' book you read? How old were you?
Jeez. I think it was probably the books by John Jakes - the trilogy that came out at the bicentennial - "The Bastard" etc (later made into a mini-series) that my grandmother had on the shelf in her bedroom. I read them while staying with her. It could have been something else - maybe like the "Thorn Birds" or "Coal Miner's Daughter" (you get the general feel for when I read it though - somewhere about 8 or 9 years old) or something - but that's the first thing I remember reading that was "adult". I was reading all the time though, so it could have really been anything.

What's it gonna take? I've got more time at work than I know what to do with, and yet nothing is coming from it...save an incredible amount of frustration. Carp. Crap. Whatever. Yesterday - agh. Even the day to day stuff jsut doesn't do it for me. Making a booklet doesn't do it for me. can't write a review. Agh. Agh. Agh.

Sheesh. Then Katharine Hepburn dies, and I stand by and wonder what will be left. Well, it's not quite that dire, but certainly, if there was one actress who, in my formative youth, really convinced me that I would find a place in the world (rightfully, or by virtue of some other twist of fate) it was her. Loved that woman, loved her in her trousers, her fiesty nature, her ultimate giving in to Spencer Tracy that belied her vicious streak. Something in her performances always struck me. And somehow, it was just really nice knowing she was still around, even if you never saw her in the media. Ah well. She won't be forgotten, that's for sure.
Check out Mopey's big ol' writer's block. Can't even scavange together a writing sample for a position at a local newsweekly. Lame, lame, lame. Haven't tried too hard though, and the suckiest thing is that I had thought about just writing up a review of a restraunt just to have, and if I had done that, I could have just fired it off. But No. I didn't. Let's see if the therapist can get that shit cleared up in my head. So far there's been no progress there. I mean on the motivation part. Communication has improved I think. And I feel generally better about myself. But there's still much work to do. What to do about all the ideas that cross my mind? Things that a couple of years ago I would have blogged my bloody head off about, but now, it all seems trite.
Gee, maybe it IS all trite.

Oh, yeah. So it's been a good week for a lot of stuff, but this monring's news that Strom Thurmond, america's foremost racist, misogynist, all around culture-Nazi has finally shuffled off this mortal coil gives me, not joy, but a sense that at least another nail in the coffin of the past is gone. Frigging that man sat and did damage in Congress for far too long. They all sit for far too long, it seems, unless they're good, and then they die in plane crashes.
And how pissed off is Dubya that the Supreme Court upheld the right of two consenting adults to have sex together behind closed doors, for crying out loud? Heee! Seriously, it's not too terribly (though Justice Scalia disagrees and feels that the Court was catering to the Homosexual Agenda, whatever paranoid fantasy that is) daring to say: yeah, you know what, civil rights do extend into the bedroom, especially in light of some retard state keeping laws on the books that legislate that sort of stuff. Crap. Anyone with any interest in personal privacy (and that should be EVERYONE) should be making a lot of noise pro-this decision. Seriously. You folk who say "I've got nothing to hide, so what do I care?' Yeah, you've got nothing to hide NOW, but jsut wait: if Ashcroft has his way, we'll ALL have something to hide. Take that to the (grossly overcharging) bank.

Argh! Something has been lost in the translation. But I suppose it's doing the job, so okay.
I put up some of the posters - and this morning I noticed someone had written "Amen!" on the one that said "Where are the weapons of mass destruction?" It makes me really want to put the rest up now. that will be my project this weekend, since it's free. I'm (we're) so poor for the next month or so, it's bad. If we didn't have a car payment, it would sure be nice. If we didn't see three doctors each, that'd help too. If i didn't owe two courts, 6 cards and various other people money (my mom, karen and ken) that'd be nice too. what the hell will happen to us when (if) we get old? I guess I just bank on that karen will adopt me, or something. fuck that. how bout something trivial, and diverting? the Five:
1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]?
The usual: working, trying to get smaller, therapy. Woohoo!
Growing tomatos, reading a lot. It's free, y'know?

2. What was your first summer job?
Babysitting all day for Jesse & Eric. I had to be there from 6am, until 4pm or so. I had to feed 'em, and keep them from killing each other. It payed well. I liked their mom, Paula, a lot. Watched a lot of MTV (it's first year on the air) and Love Boat.
The fact that Jesse was only 3 years younger than me (and a pal of my brother's) was, and is a source of great amusement to all who know us. Jesse, later to become a star bartender locally, would hail my entrance to his bar with a loud declaration that "All my babysitters drink for free tonight!!"
(cure laughter)
Now though, due to a bad call on my part, we don't talk. I should call him and apologize I guess. But he said some stupid shit. But then, who doesn't? people make mistakes.

3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go?
EUROPE.
Italy, France, Sloivenia, Spain, Portugal.

4. What was your worst vacation ever?
Wow, haven't really had a "worst" vacation, as I don't really take them. But the cancelled trip to Ashland that me and SMRHE and I spent at home with me altering Nature's course sucked in whole new ways.


5. What was your best vacation ever?
Mike and I had a good time in Jamaica (after the bad drug deal). I enjoyed Europe, though it wasn't a vacation. SMRHE and I haven't been on a vacation yet. Scott and I driving across the US was kinda cool, though I was toast most of the time.
Yeah. Most of my vacation-y things.,....ohMYgawd. Hopey and I at Long Beach: that was the best vacation (only real one) EVER! Yeah.

Seriously, my ultimate guilty pleasure is indulging in late 80's-early 90's U2. It triggers the most pleasant feelings in me. WEirdly so in most instances, as that was such a chaotic time for me personally, but of course, that's got to be it: I was so busy living that the music is the keynote (keynote? what the hell am I saying?) keystone of that time. It was the most calming influence in my gung-ho debauchery days of Yore. Or something.
Or something. That should be the name of the book right there. And the whole thing might have to be written to the greatest hits (volume one of course, because by volume two i was long past using U2 to satisfy anything. and well - with the exception of say 3 songs on Achtung, what the hell else was worthwhile? that lemon/mcfly/crazy-beyond-Bowie shit was out of control, and when Edge abandoned his guitar, it all went to crap. Even the pentultimate drummer LMJ can't save that synthy pop. yeah. proof? check out the record sales, and which ones can you find used? hrm? see?)
Right. So, finsihed (just about) FAst Food Nation, and just like Diet for a Small Planet, and several other books about the food insustry, not to mention just common knowlege-based observations (Jeezus, people eat that Mc Donalds shit on purpose?) that I've gained over a quarter century of life lived paying way too much attention to detail. It's a good, somewhat saddening (if you care about the decline of American civilization, as I do) book. Plus, it brings to light one thing that's pissed me off for years, but really, really eats (heh, eats) at me right now as I try and make myself smaller in a realistic manner so that I might maintain forever instead of back and forth and back and forth: but here it is - I don't eat shit. I don't eat fast food on any even semi-sorta regular basis. Once every 6 months, maybe I'll get some fries when SMRHE determines he must have a cheeseburger and we're on the road and my desire to keep a forward trajectory trumps real shopping/eating. But seriously. I cook every night. Almost always good, solid stuff, from scratch. It drives me nuts to be fat and it's not Big Gulps doing it to me. It's not my diet. I used to think it was quantity too, but even that doesn't seem to make a difference. I really truly believe my metablolism if fucked from all the speed and coke. I have never been able to just drop weight by not eating. It doesn't work. Even not eating + excercise, still limits my loss (like now - I've been on the same plateau for 6 weeks, it's killing me.)

So, if you were a really pricey psychologist, and your patient started talking about serious money issues, would you cut them loose? Send them to a free (or sliding-scale) clinic? I mean, I'm sure she's good as long as I have my stuff covered by insurance, but i feel weird going in there today and basically admitting that the thing that's really, seriously bumming me out hard is the lack of money, and the lack of help i'm getting from SMRHE (whose not so rocking in this light) on the issue of money. it's all me, and even though he offers to help, how can he when everything is in my name? crap. plus, he misses so much work, it takes a huge toll on our financial well-being.
Agh. Sucky. And it's gonna rack me all day. But what other option would I have? Even if I was still writing payments, I couldn't pay them all anyway. It's just...shit is gonna blow for a while. It seems liek things have sucked forever now.
Bad choices. Like buying that book at the "cheapest" but then bouncing the check, so it ended up costing $30 instead of $7. Which is beyond lame. I didn't NEED it, and well...i've got serious money issues. Obviously.
Need to find a shoebox full of money.

Now, with the trivial aside. I can get to some meat:
"It’s only mildly reassuring to know that dissent exists in the States; its ability to counter the effects corporate greed seems to be dwindling near daily."
This, written by a Canadian living and working in France, is part of a lovely essay at her blog.
It strikes a chord in me, because I've only recently really started examining how exceedingly pissed off, disappointed, and saddened I am byt the country that I was born in. I would very much welcome being shipped out. Seriously. If France would take me, allow me to work, give me asylum, perhaps? I'd go. The rest of the world is correct: the majority of americans obviously don't give a flying fuck about anything other than their OWN personal comfort. And those of us who DO CARE can't do jack to change the minds of the hulking (literally) masses. Sure I can use my "power" and "right" of "free speech" but when no one fundemantally cares, what point is there? Worse, when every person in our "representative" government is bought and paid for by corporations (of which I don't patronize except in the most cursory ways, (yeah, I occasionally buy a diet pepsi or coke. But not every day, and not religiously. i drink water.)
Anyway. My point is, I was motivated for almost 15 minutes about 2 weeks ago. to poster, to help get the word out. But ultimately, as I hear reports of high school seniors tanking the easiest of comprehension tests, and the rest of the world noticing, I worry. And I am sad. and i no longer think i have the answer. or even an idea that will help. i truly believe it's gonna have to get a lot worse before it gets better, and i don't think the planet can survive getting worse.

In the interest of continuity, the Five:

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?
It wants to be curley, but i blow it into semi-submission every damn day. It's mid-long, hitting my shoulders at the moment. It's also thin. See next question.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?
It has gotten thinner - just like my Dads. Ok, not quite that thin, but it resembles his in a frightening way. When i was a pup, my mom used to take me to get my hair cut, and the stylists would aww, and coo over my thick, dark curly hair. Well, it was more of a wavey thing then, and when I would cut it to say, just below my ears, it would get especially thick and healthy feeling. And then, in high school, the one time i submitted to peer pressure, I got a perm. Why someone didn't stop me, I dunno. But it fried my hair beyond recognition. I looked like a fucking poodle.
It has never recovered, and out of pure spite, I spent the 10 years after high school punishing my hair. I am naturally a dark chesnut-hued gal. I bleached my hair blonde (yeah, like Madonna-blonde) for 10 years. Myself. Using all the worst tricks (bags on the head, 90 proof developer, the works). Bad. I'm expecting to be an old lady with the cropped-hair thing by the time I'm 50.

3. How do your normally wear your hair?
Uh, blow dry & go. I pull it back if I'm cooking or working out, or it's really hot, but otherwise, I just let it do what it will. I like to have it cut in layers, I need and crave volume, but can't cope with the Orphan Annie thing it desperately wants to do.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?
Like that chick on uhm, Will & Grace. The one who plays Grace. Or Andie McDowell. I dream that that's what my hair would have ended up like had it not been for the unfortunate perming incident.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?
Aside from the perm, there were a couple of orange, Bozo the Clown results when going for the blonde, meaning a trip to the store in a hat, and frying the hair a second time in the same evening. Pretty tragic. There was also the blue cellophane that ran all over my face when I went dancing the evening following it's appplication.

I pretty much finished the Work of Staggering Genius, and it got me sort of primed to try my little punk rock memoir (just what the world needs...maybe. hell, i'd like to believe the world is ready for a savvy ex-punk rocker to cut loose with some wacky hijinks) but as always, when i keep thinking it through, and sit to write, i stall. How to start it, after already having started it? There's a part of the Appendix that Eggers goes on about how when you write about part of your life (and I'm not clear if he is also referring to the actual publishing of the writing or of just the act of writing, but to facillitate MY needs, i'm going with B) that person you were, in a way, dies. Especially lately, since I've been thinking a lot about grieving various parts of my life, and thus, myself; it makes a certain amount of sense. The suckiest thing about it though is that having sort of purged it all, it's very difficult to go back and expand those stories and get it in a more narrative form. There was another bit of the appendix where he rambled on about the thrill of trusting people. I haven't seen anyone else mention that, and that's always been an intrinsic part of what i think is important in my story. In fact, I think that's what really got me thinking about giving writing it a go again. I've just got to get off my ass and make time when i get home. though so much of that initial writing was done under Building 8. Heh. Those were the days....

swear to kevseconds that i am not going to tell anyone when i'm happy - it just seems to send everything into the toilet. last night was brutal, and i'm bored with this whole little drama that's going on inside my house. one minute alls well, the next minute, i'm sharing the couch with a completely anti-social miscreant. whatever. not much more to say on that front.
So, then, the Five:
1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
Write that damn book.

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?
Pretty much.

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened?
Ah, well, we didn't speak for a while, but since i suspected it all along, and i liked her ultimately more than i loved him, we are still best friends. in fact, i think it made shit stronger, and we share a deeper understanding of what makes us tick. i think. Though, i guess it also compounded my feeling that you can't trust anyone. even your best friend. everyone makes mistakes. everyone.
4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?
Heidi's mountain in Switzerland, taking care of the goats. Shagging Peter. Eating cheese and bread, with a dog at my heel.

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?
This question KILLS me every time. I'd like to be able to play bass silly.

it's hard to say where to go next with this. lately when i watch my dog - i still think she's the custest dog ever, but i don't have the desire to ramble on like i used to. our new neighborhood, not so new now, is ok, but the walks are generally uneventful. i finally got all the tools to go on my postering run, so i'm hoping to do that tomorrow, or maybe saturday morning.

Quickly on these to kill time:

1. "The Munsters" or "The Addams Family"?
Munsters
2. "The Sopranos" or the "Godfather" movies?
Ooh. Sopranos at least for the moment.

3. "The Jetsons" or "Lost in Space"?
JETSONS. Frigging hate, hate, hate and do not understand the appeal of that stupid robot and Mr. Smith.

4. "Superman" or "Batman" (either the TV shows or the movies)?
Batman. Totally, all the way.

5. "Sex & The City" or "Friends"?
Friends. But if i had cable i'd probably say Sex.

6. "The Wizard of Oz" or the "Harry Potter" movies?
Jeezus, neither of those. Puke.

7. "The Simpsons" or "King of the Hill"?
Ouch. Simpsons, by a nose. That show still gets me to laugh out loud every episode. But Bobby Hill and Dale Gribble are works of pure anarchic creativity.

8. "Grease" or "Saturday Night Fever"?
Gosh. SNF, i think. though i do love that jeff conaway as keneckie.

9. Old prime-time soaps: "Dallas" or "Dynasty"?
neither. again, pukey.

10. Not very thought-provoking this week...do you prefer TV shows or movies?
Movies especially in this era of "reality" bullshit.
Though Jackass was pretty damn funny.