Just start writing. This morning, gore-o-rama: two seagulls dragging a dead sparrow (or some similar-sized grey-brown bird) around, one of them pciking at it, then dragging it away from the other one who was doing the vulture thing where he remained just out of pecking distance, but close enough that if the other seagull got distracted he could easily snag the carcass. It looked like a fresh kill - or at least the open wound. Maybe the sparrow had been dead for a while. Did the gulls kill it? it didn't look smashed, so I'm thinking it wasn't hit by a car. Maybe poisoned? Bad dim sum? Eech.
Want to describe my morning, because i think that's a good practice, but want to get to other stuff this morning. Yesterday, at Dr. S's - good, but weird. I'm still avoiding the bulk of the trouble, and when she bunchs up her face, I can tell she knows I'm avoiding - but she's good at keeping the ball rolling with what I do give her. Yesterday, there was mcuh talk about the voices in my head and how hard tehy are to please. To the point of me avoiding shit in order not to fuck it up. But see, that still doesn't reconcile how I fuck shit up knowingly (like with MCWGITW - I quite clearly remember thinking to myself You shouldn't make this call. You know it will end. " But also thinking that I had nothing to lose, 'cause he was a done deal anyway. Married. Wonder how married life is treating him.) And all the stuff with Darren. Had forgotten a lot of that (though not the good parts. But the not-so-good parts, yeah, let those slip away.) Reading old journals - destructive? I often think so, but then, now, when I look at how chaotic things were (hard to beleive there was so much going on because it felt dead, or normal? or something) and how sad it all made me. I dunno. It's frustrating and sad - all that attention, but I drove it away somehow. Attributing it all to ugliness seems almost too easy now. But it's so hard to tell. Eventually i'm gonna have to talk about it. Not looking forward to that session at all.

Just not happenin' for me...and looking backwards isn't doing me much good either, but y'know, cest la vie and all...
Give the Five a go I guess:
1. What were your favorite childhood stories?
As a little kid - I dug Clifford and a lot of books my grandmother gave me (she was a teacher), plus stuff like "Heidi" and the "Secret Garden" (though I hated the ending of both books).
As far as books I chose go, I was hugely devoted to Harriet the Spy, The Three Investigators, and a series about a racehorse called Sunbonnet. though, really, I read just about everything I could get my paws on.
My favorite family stories were the ones my Mom told about the summers she spent in Oceanside.

2. What books from your childhood would you like to share with [your] children?
See above. Oh, and the Judy Blume books "Are You There God?" and uhm, "Blubber" and of course, "Forever".

3. Have you re-read any of those childhood stories and been surprised by anything?
I re-read some of "Harriet" when Justice was reading it, and was just as impressed now as I was then, though now, I see so much more of the stereotyping in it. Not bad - but the New York stuff, and of course, Harriet being the uber-Tomboy/Dyke. Heh. I always wondered where "it" came from.

4. How old were you when you first learned to read?
Dunno - I can't honestly remember not being able to read. So early - maybe 2 or so?

5. Do you remember the first 'grown-up' book you read? How old were you?
Jeez. I think it was probably the books by John Jakes - the trilogy that came out at the bicentennial - "The Bastard" etc (later made into a mini-series) that my grandmother had on the shelf in her bedroom. I read them while staying with her. It could have been something else - maybe like the "Thorn Birds" or "Coal Miner's Daughter" (you get the general feel for when I read it though - somewhere about 8 or 9 years old) or something - but that's the first thing I remember reading that was "adult". I was reading all the time though, so it could have really been anything.

What's it gonna take? I've got more time at work than I know what to do with, and yet nothing is coming from it...save an incredible amount of frustration. Carp. Crap. Whatever. Yesterday - agh. Even the day to day stuff jsut doesn't do it for me. Making a booklet doesn't do it for me. can't write a review. Agh. Agh. Agh.

Sheesh. Then Katharine Hepburn dies, and I stand by and wonder what will be left. Well, it's not quite that dire, but certainly, if there was one actress who, in my formative youth, really convinced me that I would find a place in the world (rightfully, or by virtue of some other twist of fate) it was her. Loved that woman, loved her in her trousers, her fiesty nature, her ultimate giving in to Spencer Tracy that belied her vicious streak. Something in her performances always struck me. And somehow, it was just really nice knowing she was still around, even if you never saw her in the media. Ah well. She won't be forgotten, that's for sure.
Check out Mopey's big ol' writer's block. Can't even scavange together a writing sample for a position at a local newsweekly. Lame, lame, lame. Haven't tried too hard though, and the suckiest thing is that I had thought about just writing up a review of a restraunt just to have, and if I had done that, I could have just fired it off. But No. I didn't. Let's see if the therapist can get that shit cleared up in my head. So far there's been no progress there. I mean on the motivation part. Communication has improved I think. And I feel generally better about myself. But there's still much work to do. What to do about all the ideas that cross my mind? Things that a couple of years ago I would have blogged my bloody head off about, but now, it all seems trite.
Gee, maybe it IS all trite.

Oh, yeah. So it's been a good week for a lot of stuff, but this monring's news that Strom Thurmond, america's foremost racist, misogynist, all around culture-Nazi has finally shuffled off this mortal coil gives me, not joy, but a sense that at least another nail in the coffin of the past is gone. Frigging that man sat and did damage in Congress for far too long. They all sit for far too long, it seems, unless they're good, and then they die in plane crashes.
And how pissed off is Dubya that the Supreme Court upheld the right of two consenting adults to have sex together behind closed doors, for crying out loud? Heee! Seriously, it's not too terribly (though Justice Scalia disagrees and feels that the Court was catering to the Homosexual Agenda, whatever paranoid fantasy that is) daring to say: yeah, you know what, civil rights do extend into the bedroom, especially in light of some retard state keeping laws on the books that legislate that sort of stuff. Crap. Anyone with any interest in personal privacy (and that should be EVERYONE) should be making a lot of noise pro-this decision. Seriously. You folk who say "I've got nothing to hide, so what do I care?' Yeah, you've got nothing to hide NOW, but jsut wait: if Ashcroft has his way, we'll ALL have something to hide. Take that to the (grossly overcharging) bank.

Argh! Something has been lost in the translation. But I suppose it's doing the job, so okay.
I put up some of the posters - and this morning I noticed someone had written "Amen!" on the one that said "Where are the weapons of mass destruction?" It makes me really want to put the rest up now. that will be my project this weekend, since it's free. I'm (we're) so poor for the next month or so, it's bad. If we didn't have a car payment, it would sure be nice. If we didn't see three doctors each, that'd help too. If i didn't owe two courts, 6 cards and various other people money (my mom, karen and ken) that'd be nice too. what the hell will happen to us when (if) we get old? I guess I just bank on that karen will adopt me, or something. fuck that. how bout something trivial, and diverting? the Five:
1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]?
The usual: working, trying to get smaller, therapy. Woohoo!
Growing tomatos, reading a lot. It's free, y'know?

2. What was your first summer job?
Babysitting all day for Jesse & Eric. I had to be there from 6am, until 4pm or so. I had to feed 'em, and keep them from killing each other. It payed well. I liked their mom, Paula, a lot. Watched a lot of MTV (it's first year on the air) and Love Boat.
The fact that Jesse was only 3 years younger than me (and a pal of my brother's) was, and is a source of great amusement to all who know us. Jesse, later to become a star bartender locally, would hail my entrance to his bar with a loud declaration that "All my babysitters drink for free tonight!!"
(cure laughter)
Now though, due to a bad call on my part, we don't talk. I should call him and apologize I guess. But he said some stupid shit. But then, who doesn't? people make mistakes.

3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go?
EUROPE.
Italy, France, Sloivenia, Spain, Portugal.

4. What was your worst vacation ever?
Wow, haven't really had a "worst" vacation, as I don't really take them. But the cancelled trip to Ashland that me and SMRHE and I spent at home with me altering Nature's course sucked in whole new ways.


5. What was your best vacation ever?
Mike and I had a good time in Jamaica (after the bad drug deal). I enjoyed Europe, though it wasn't a vacation. SMRHE and I haven't been on a vacation yet. Scott and I driving across the US was kinda cool, though I was toast most of the time.
Yeah. Most of my vacation-y things.,....ohMYgawd. Hopey and I at Long Beach: that was the best vacation (only real one) EVER! Yeah.

Seriously, my ultimate guilty pleasure is indulging in late 80's-early 90's U2. It triggers the most pleasant feelings in me. WEirdly so in most instances, as that was such a chaotic time for me personally, but of course, that's got to be it: I was so busy living that the music is the keynote (keynote? what the hell am I saying?) keystone of that time. It was the most calming influence in my gung-ho debauchery days of Yore. Or something.
Or something. That should be the name of the book right there. And the whole thing might have to be written to the greatest hits (volume one of course, because by volume two i was long past using U2 to satisfy anything. and well - with the exception of say 3 songs on Achtung, what the hell else was worthwhile? that lemon/mcfly/crazy-beyond-Bowie shit was out of control, and when Edge abandoned his guitar, it all went to crap. Even the pentultimate drummer LMJ can't save that synthy pop. yeah. proof? check out the record sales, and which ones can you find used? hrm? see?)
Right. So, finsihed (just about) FAst Food Nation, and just like Diet for a Small Planet, and several other books about the food insustry, not to mention just common knowlege-based observations (Jeezus, people eat that Mc Donalds shit on purpose?) that I've gained over a quarter century of life lived paying way too much attention to detail. It's a good, somewhat saddening (if you care about the decline of American civilization, as I do) book. Plus, it brings to light one thing that's pissed me off for years, but really, really eats (heh, eats) at me right now as I try and make myself smaller in a realistic manner so that I might maintain forever instead of back and forth and back and forth: but here it is - I don't eat shit. I don't eat fast food on any even semi-sorta regular basis. Once every 6 months, maybe I'll get some fries when SMRHE determines he must have a cheeseburger and we're on the road and my desire to keep a forward trajectory trumps real shopping/eating. But seriously. I cook every night. Almost always good, solid stuff, from scratch. It drives me nuts to be fat and it's not Big Gulps doing it to me. It's not my diet. I used to think it was quantity too, but even that doesn't seem to make a difference. I really truly believe my metablolism if fucked from all the speed and coke. I have never been able to just drop weight by not eating. It doesn't work. Even not eating + excercise, still limits my loss (like now - I've been on the same plateau for 6 weeks, it's killing me.)

So, if you were a really pricey psychologist, and your patient started talking about serious money issues, would you cut them loose? Send them to a free (or sliding-scale) clinic? I mean, I'm sure she's good as long as I have my stuff covered by insurance, but i feel weird going in there today and basically admitting that the thing that's really, seriously bumming me out hard is the lack of money, and the lack of help i'm getting from SMRHE (whose not so rocking in this light) on the issue of money. it's all me, and even though he offers to help, how can he when everything is in my name? crap. plus, he misses so much work, it takes a huge toll on our financial well-being.
Agh. Sucky. And it's gonna rack me all day. But what other option would I have? Even if I was still writing payments, I couldn't pay them all anyway. It's just...shit is gonna blow for a while. It seems liek things have sucked forever now.
Bad choices. Like buying that book at the "cheapest" but then bouncing the check, so it ended up costing $30 instead of $7. Which is beyond lame. I didn't NEED it, and well...i've got serious money issues. Obviously.
Need to find a shoebox full of money.

Now, with the trivial aside. I can get to some meat:
"It’s only mildly reassuring to know that dissent exists in the States; its ability to counter the effects corporate greed seems to be dwindling near daily."
This, written by a Canadian living and working in France, is part of a lovely essay at her blog.
It strikes a chord in me, because I've only recently really started examining how exceedingly pissed off, disappointed, and saddened I am byt the country that I was born in. I would very much welcome being shipped out. Seriously. If France would take me, allow me to work, give me asylum, perhaps? I'd go. The rest of the world is correct: the majority of americans obviously don't give a flying fuck about anything other than their OWN personal comfort. And those of us who DO CARE can't do jack to change the minds of the hulking (literally) masses. Sure I can use my "power" and "right" of "free speech" but when no one fundemantally cares, what point is there? Worse, when every person in our "representative" government is bought and paid for by corporations (of which I don't patronize except in the most cursory ways, (yeah, I occasionally buy a diet pepsi or coke. But not every day, and not religiously. i drink water.)
Anyway. My point is, I was motivated for almost 15 minutes about 2 weeks ago. to poster, to help get the word out. But ultimately, as I hear reports of high school seniors tanking the easiest of comprehension tests, and the rest of the world noticing, I worry. And I am sad. and i no longer think i have the answer. or even an idea that will help. i truly believe it's gonna have to get a lot worse before it gets better, and i don't think the planet can survive getting worse.

In the interest of continuity, the Five:

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?
It wants to be curley, but i blow it into semi-submission every damn day. It's mid-long, hitting my shoulders at the moment. It's also thin. See next question.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?
It has gotten thinner - just like my Dads. Ok, not quite that thin, but it resembles his in a frightening way. When i was a pup, my mom used to take me to get my hair cut, and the stylists would aww, and coo over my thick, dark curly hair. Well, it was more of a wavey thing then, and when I would cut it to say, just below my ears, it would get especially thick and healthy feeling. And then, in high school, the one time i submitted to peer pressure, I got a perm. Why someone didn't stop me, I dunno. But it fried my hair beyond recognition. I looked like a fucking poodle.
It has never recovered, and out of pure spite, I spent the 10 years after high school punishing my hair. I am naturally a dark chesnut-hued gal. I bleached my hair blonde (yeah, like Madonna-blonde) for 10 years. Myself. Using all the worst tricks (bags on the head, 90 proof developer, the works). Bad. I'm expecting to be an old lady with the cropped-hair thing by the time I'm 50.

3. How do your normally wear your hair?
Uh, blow dry & go. I pull it back if I'm cooking or working out, or it's really hot, but otherwise, I just let it do what it will. I like to have it cut in layers, I need and crave volume, but can't cope with the Orphan Annie thing it desperately wants to do.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?
Like that chick on uhm, Will & Grace. The one who plays Grace. Or Andie McDowell. I dream that that's what my hair would have ended up like had it not been for the unfortunate perming incident.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?
Aside from the perm, there were a couple of orange, Bozo the Clown results when going for the blonde, meaning a trip to the store in a hat, and frying the hair a second time in the same evening. Pretty tragic. There was also the blue cellophane that ran all over my face when I went dancing the evening following it's appplication.

I pretty much finished the Work of Staggering Genius, and it got me sort of primed to try my little punk rock memoir (just what the world needs...maybe. hell, i'd like to believe the world is ready for a savvy ex-punk rocker to cut loose with some wacky hijinks) but as always, when i keep thinking it through, and sit to write, i stall. How to start it, after already having started it? There's a part of the Appendix that Eggers goes on about how when you write about part of your life (and I'm not clear if he is also referring to the actual publishing of the writing or of just the act of writing, but to facillitate MY needs, i'm going with B) that person you were, in a way, dies. Especially lately, since I've been thinking a lot about grieving various parts of my life, and thus, myself; it makes a certain amount of sense. The suckiest thing about it though is that having sort of purged it all, it's very difficult to go back and expand those stories and get it in a more narrative form. There was another bit of the appendix where he rambled on about the thrill of trusting people. I haven't seen anyone else mention that, and that's always been an intrinsic part of what i think is important in my story. In fact, I think that's what really got me thinking about giving writing it a go again. I've just got to get off my ass and make time when i get home. though so much of that initial writing was done under Building 8. Heh. Those were the days....

swear to kevseconds that i am not going to tell anyone when i'm happy - it just seems to send everything into the toilet. last night was brutal, and i'm bored with this whole little drama that's going on inside my house. one minute alls well, the next minute, i'm sharing the couch with a completely anti-social miscreant. whatever. not much more to say on that front.
So, then, the Five:
1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
Write that damn book.

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?
Pretty much.

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened?
Ah, well, we didn't speak for a while, but since i suspected it all along, and i liked her ultimately more than i loved him, we are still best friends. in fact, i think it made shit stronger, and we share a deeper understanding of what makes us tick. i think. Though, i guess it also compounded my feeling that you can't trust anyone. even your best friend. everyone makes mistakes. everyone.
4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?
Heidi's mountain in Switzerland, taking care of the goats. Shagging Peter. Eating cheese and bread, with a dog at my heel.

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?
This question KILLS me every time. I'd like to be able to play bass silly.

it's hard to say where to go next with this. lately when i watch my dog - i still think she's the custest dog ever, but i don't have the desire to ramble on like i used to. our new neighborhood, not so new now, is ok, but the walks are generally uneventful. i finally got all the tools to go on my postering run, so i'm hoping to do that tomorrow, or maybe saturday morning.

Quickly on these to kill time:

1. "The Munsters" or "The Addams Family"?
Munsters
2. "The Sopranos" or the "Godfather" movies?
Ooh. Sopranos at least for the moment.

3. "The Jetsons" or "Lost in Space"?
JETSONS. Frigging hate, hate, hate and do not understand the appeal of that stupid robot and Mr. Smith.

4. "Superman" or "Batman" (either the TV shows or the movies)?
Batman. Totally, all the way.

5. "Sex & The City" or "Friends"?
Friends. But if i had cable i'd probably say Sex.

6. "The Wizard of Oz" or the "Harry Potter" movies?
Jeezus, neither of those. Puke.

7. "The Simpsons" or "King of the Hill"?
Ouch. Simpsons, by a nose. That show still gets me to laugh out loud every episode. But Bobby Hill and Dale Gribble are works of pure anarchic creativity.

8. "Grease" or "Saturday Night Fever"?
Gosh. SNF, i think. though i do love that jeff conaway as keneckie.

9. Old prime-time soaps: "Dallas" or "Dynasty"?
neither. again, pukey.

10. Not very thought-provoking this week...do you prefer TV shows or movies?
Movies especially in this era of "reality" bullshit.
Though Jackass was pretty damn funny.

what to say? there's been a wave of goodwill at my house lately, and i'm digging it, but trying not to get too used to it, y'know? yeah. i still see a crow fly by and think about when i'll see one in a rosebush and know he's gone. what? jeez.
so, as i'm the last person on the planet to read Eggers' staggering work of genius - i'll just say that it's okay, and i'm enjoying reading it, but the overabundance of irony is tedious. i'm sure it played better in '99. it's funny, as he talks about '93 and what was happening - i mean that's my generation, the X'ers. Seriously, me. Only on the outside, because I was caught in the lowest=budget part of that upheaval. The trenches, if you will. So much so, I'm actually pretty resentful (though not in a Briggsonian way) that I missed out on some of the easy achievment that a lot of my compratriots enjoyed.
But I suppose that's what therapy is for.
How to get over being a punk rock young adult in the late 80's early 90's. I mean sometimes I feel like there should be a seperate section of post-traumatic-stress syndrome for those of us who were there, but didn't end up working for Adobe, MTV, or Spin magazine, y'know?

Weird - so now the post stays put until i post & publish. funny. but good to know. well it's Friday:
1. How many times have you truly been in love?
I know I'm supposed to say just once, but truth be told, i do think it's twice.
First with the mostcrushworthydrummerever, and then with SingleMostRockingHusbandEver.
Unfortunately, (for him) I don't ever really think I was truly in love with the one everyone would immediately assume, Mr. B - nah, that was just young lust.

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?
Certainly the fact that he trusts me completely is a great asset, but also he is smart, funny, and above all passionate.

3. What qualities should a significant other have?
Well, after all the trolling I've done, i think a passion for something is vital. They must bring something of themselves to the relationship, and they must be willing to evolve.

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Weirdly enough, I'm afraid I did, though I can't be sure. He's happily (at least as far as I know) married now, and he never accused me of breaking his heart, but he did share that me abandoning him hurt and confused him, but he claims to have understood why I bailed.
Beyond that, I don't think so, I'm not much of a heartbreaker (that I know of, anyway).

5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be
That it is much stronger than you think it is. That's not very helpful, huh? I have this ongoing arguement with a person i know who insists that you shouldn't have to work at love - and i disagree, and yet sort of agree. Because loving someone is tough sometimes, because people are prone to mistakes, and if you are in love with someone, you are bound to watch them fuck shit up sometimes. But you have to let them. Love is forgiving, most of all, I think. It's not perfect, and there's no handbook.
agh, i dunno

Have I mentioned (hold up, what's this crazy format wackiness? it's like someone is a bit too impressed with Macs and Word, which is, IMHO, bad. very, very bad, but anyway, whatever, it's all free, so who'm i to complain), how much i love the new rhett miller cd? yeah. definitely holding me over until the next '97s thing. Meanwhile, I'm getting this weird panicky feeling that I really, REALLY need to archive, somehow, the dirayland stuff. there's like 2 years of decent writing amongst all the gibberish (too bad about the broken photo links though)...must...figure...plan. yeah.
hot today. might hit 90 degrees They say. They. Hurumph.
So yeah, silly questions for today find them at Porchy:
1. Okay, what's the preference at your place at dinner time, rice or potatoes? ...or something else? Hmmm?
Well, SMRHE strongly prefers pasta, but will generally make do with rice if needed. Potatos would be my choice, but realize they don't work all the time - so probably rice makes the appearance the most. Though in winter, I do a lot more pasta.
2. Krispies- ...and how about breakfast? If you're a cereal person, what is your favorite? ...or is there something else you'd prefer to start your day with?
I do like cereal, but don't allow myself enough time to eat it in the morning. I like bread/toast and jam with my coffee. Still. It has been like that since Europe. As a kid, my favorite breakfast (as I really never liked it much, my Mom wasn't much of a fan of breakfast) was chocolate chip cookies and chocolate milk. Lately, I've been digging on the Luna bars or Special K bars for breakfast, and some fruit after I get to work. For special occasions, waffles are my dream breakfast. Though, I like hash browns a lot. It kills me that eating both would stuff me like a pig. Argh.

3. Treats- Has anyone not seen "Finding Nemo"? What treat did you have to buy (or slip in) for it to be a "Theatre Experience"
Didn't go see silly Nemo, and probably won't. I like the classics with movies in the theater: popcorn. salted, no extra butter. My Mom used to smuggle home-popped in for us, and Red Vines were the only candy we ever got at the movies, and still, today, that's what I go for. I don't get a drink, cause I'd end up having to hit the bathroom mid movie, and I can't cope with that at all. I just drink a couple gulps out of whoever I'm with's drink (cause they ALWAYS get drinks. Except Spencer - he was liek me and we got no treats at any of the movies we went to). I'm scared of people who get nachos at the theater. What the hell is that?

sometimes, i guess, it really is just a matter of time. maybe it DOES make sense. maybe there will be some change, if i continue on with my personal change, and SMRHE does as well. what do you say, when someone tells you they are getting help because of you. that you saved their life? what do you say? how do you work around that? it's this weird debt issue. i mean, to be honest, especially given what i've realized about myself now, i understand that i crave that sort of honor and worthiness. that kind of intrisic value. that he sought (and conceivable found) solace around me. and in return, i make things difficult by taking shit way, way, way out of context. everything looks so different even then it did just a week ago.i mean, i get a bigger part of it. there i am, constantly trying to fix a problem that hadn't even been correctly defined yet. there is a reason for the problem i felt, but it isn't what i thought. it isn't me. i mean, sure, i could certainly be thinner, and that wouldn't suck, but it's not that part that i'm craving, it's the desire, and the desire right now is being hijacked by other stuff that has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the last decade. wow. meanwhile, my pissed-off little kid is gonna have to be reined in. and talked to. recognized.
it's not my job to fix it all, yeah? it's not my duty to find a better person/place/thing. fucking hell. how silly. you think you grow up okay, i mean, i didn't get beat, and it seemed like my parents were around a lot (but they were engaging the brothers, not me) , it turns out when i really think it through, on my own. a lot. yeah. and i'm not now.
gotta ask for help today. righto.
spinanes. spencer. agh. when does thatshit stop?

Yeah, so. Didn't remember to Rabbit. Well, until I had already said "don't want to go to work." ah, well.
Yesterday was decent day at Dr. S's. Loads of tears, in a particularily typical way, too. It makes sense now. My inner 9-year-old is pissed off beyond belief. Who knew? well, maybe i did. food for comfort not received before, perhaps? yeah. have to ask someone for help every day. terrific.
meanwhile on to other things:
1. Cats or dogs?
dogs. used to be cats as a kid. but now i'm all about the canine companion.
2. Butterflies or birds?
Gee. Birds I guess, though I still get startled when i run across a butterfly.
3. Horses or cows?
Oooh. Horses. But cows are amusing too.
4. Turtles or snakes?
Turtles, I suppose.
5. Frogs or grasshoppers?
Frogs?
6. Lions or tigers?
Lions.
7. Elephants or mice?
Elephants, of course.
8. Porcupines or aardvarks?
Ah! aardvarks, as they used to be my favorite character to draw!!
9. Unicorns or dragons?
Fucking hate both of them. But, if i have to choose, dragons by a nose. Silly though.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You live in a rather dumpy apartment. A friend offers you a chance to be a roommate at a new place s/he is moving into, but they don't allow pets. You have a pet. Do you find your pet a new home and take the new place, or do you keep your pet and stay put?
Oh for crying out loud, what sort of hatefull person would jettison their pet for new digs? How sad. No. Hell, I have allergies to dogs and cats, and my pets are staying put. Gah. People, come on. Have a little sympathy for the animals.

Golly i hope i can remember to "rabbit rabbit" tomorrow. last time i actually remembered (April!) it worked!

Decent Five today. Questions I ask myself often (too often?):
1. What do you most want to be remembered for?
I've always hoped that I'll be remembered as someone who did the unexpected - though it'd be nice to think that something I have created will be recognized - my photography, or something I wrote.

2. What quotation best fits your outlook on life?
My sig file for a long time has been a Stephen Biko quote: "The greatest weapon of the opressor is the mind of the opressed." I don't know if there is just one quote that I live by. Guess ultimately it comes down to "one day at a time'. An AA anonymous quote. Figures.

3. What single achievement are you most proud of in the past year?
Surviving the Kidtime and the post-Kidtime. I think I made a difference in the Kid's life even if it was brief - I hope the impression lasts.

4. What about the past ten years?
I was pretty fucking stoked to get my debt under control back in '99 or so....

5. If you were asked to give a child a single piece of advice to guide them through life, what would you say?
The same bit my Mom gave me: High school is not forever, IT ends, do not let it get you down - there's a lot more of Life to come.

Ok. Since i'm a list-aholic lately let's go with some What Ifs:
1. What if you had 24 hours to pack up and leave your country forever?
I'd go home right now, pack a bag, jump in the car and drop Scraps off with my Mom, and find out if SMRHE was leaving the country forever too.

2. What if you had 24 hours to get married?
Uh, well, i guess we'd head to Vegas this time, or see which judge could re-do our vows? I mean, i'm already married, so, y'know, it wouldn't be too difficult.

3. What if you had 24 hours to entirely change the way you look, so much as to become unrecognizable?
Hrhm. Glasses back on. Let hair go naturally curley, and dye it red. Wear girly clothes. Speak broken spanish all the time.

4. What if you had 24 hours to make a scientific or historical discovery?
I'd start following my dog around, closely.

5. What if you had 24 hours to meet and befriend the leader of your country?
I'd be buying a pony keg of Pyramid for Dubya, and then he and I would spend some quality time talking about Bono, world debt, and rehab.
Seriously, I would be really working the AA connection.

That's it. I'm buying myself a staplegun and i'm going postering. but not to advertise shows, nope. i'm going to do a little political rabble-rousing. found some nice anti-King George posters here and i am going to excercise my newly re-established right to free speech in this city, and post me some flyers. because i can. and thus, i should. i need to do something that will make me feel like i'm not just sitting by watching them destroy this culture. at least i will have done something. sure, it's not life threatening, but it's something, and maybe it will get someone's attention, or move someone already in agreement to NOT vote for that bastard and TO VOTE for someone else. Maybe is better than nothing at all, i think.

so bored that i'm pretending that someone reads this and that someone cares about my responses to These.
1. Do you prefer silence or do you like background sound (music, TV, etc)?
Background music. But I have learned to deal with silence while reading in deference to SMRHE's preference for silence.
2. Bathe/shower in morning or evening?
Morning shower is a must, it affords me not only bright-eyed-bushy-tailedness, but also decently coiffed hair not possible after sleeping on it wet.
3. Sleeping in complete darkness, or with a nightlight on?
I lust after total darkness.
4. Lay out clothes the night before, or just grab what's closest in the morning?
Lay out the dog-walking togs. What to wear is usually decided mid-walk.
5. Hang up/fold clothes neatly, or just toss them wherever?
combo of folding them and placing them variously. tossing into hamper though. definitely.
6. Work out at a gym, or at home on your own (or do you not bother with exercise)?
At home, on my own, either bike on trainer or miles w/ dog on foot. Would like gym, can't afford gym (either economically or emotionally).
7. Talk on the phone, or via IM/e-mail?
Would prefer more email, but unfortunately, phone is the primary communication device.
8. Are you usually on time, or late?
Generally on time.
9. Spendthrift or frugal?
Frugal, though it feels spendthrifty. I spend too much on quality food items and books.
10. Thought-Provoking Question of the Week: You work with someone who is not in the habit of bathing regularly. The smell seems to be getting worse and worse! Would you: 1. try to do something about it, or 2. try to grin and bear it? If you said 1, what would you do?
I would tell my immediate superior, and hopefully some PC-fiendly thing would happen to help the situation.

So, I like the solo Rhett Miller album (cd, whatever. i'm a dinasuar, live with it) - it doesn't have as many mopey-friendly tunes as "this is what i do" but, i can live with it. and it's got all the best bounce of the poppier "97s stuff, which i have to admit, i do dig a lot. I'm a bit put off by the cover close-up photo thing - it's just a bit too peter framptony - but i'll go with that as well.
speaking of frampton, i was caught like a deer in headlights yesterday when we went to SMRHE's pal's house for a veggie bbq (insert less-than-enthusiastic adjective here describing how a last minute veggie grill-out doesn't really work. it takes WAY more planning to execute that than it does to throw meat on the grill. IMHO anyway) and, in the course of conversation, we discussed not only the Cure (and midway through that discussion my Cure-aholic meter went into the red - this guy was WAY too into the Cure, citing specific albums, etc. bleah. i dig "lovecats" and that's about where it stays with me) but Dinasaur Jr. Now, I loved Dinasaur Jr back in the day (Bug and You're Living All Over Me the most) and let it go after Green Mind (boring. simply drone boring.) - I have some wonderful memories attached to that music courtesy of Todd the CC Bookbuyer, who turned me onto them, (ah, the lunch breaks spent perusing Olsson's looking for the records) and of Austin's own Hilarie, who taught me the value of Djr while tripping. Anyway, we were talking about good stuff they did (SMRHE's pal intimating that Djr sucked "too noisy and sloppy" but loved J Mascis' solo stuff) and i said - yeah, but Dino Jr did this fantastic Peter Frampton cover, you know, the big hit - and I was met with blank stares.
That, kids, is how old i am. it used to be, everyone i hung out with knew the answer to that question, and now...crickets chirping as i struggle to remember the name of that blasted one hit that catapulted Frampton Alive. How sad. The young'ns just don't know the rock. Hell, they think Nirvana was groundbreaking. Which, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Groundbreaking in that they brought it to the masses, but they were not the first to bring it back to ground zero. Man, it's just soo strange to realize how long ago it all was.
Right, so , how 'bout the Five?
1. What brand of toothpaste do you use?
Aquafresh, tarter control, thankyouverymuch.
Should use it on Scraps.

2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer?
Scott Tissue. I have a huge massive dislike for puffy, wasteful t.p. Not to mention a sever fear of being out of t.p. years of group living will do that for you.
Mom always used the Scott though, so it's what i know. Economical too though.

3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear?
No specific preference. I'm weird with shoes. Currently, i have a nice pair of land's end sneakers (suede bowling-style) and boots from eddie bauer (got in the sample shop, they probably don't make them anymore) and a pair of caballero Vans, polo sneakers, and um, some off-brand hiking shoes. oh, and riding boots. french. agile i believe. but i'm not beholden to any maker (maybe in the day, Vans, but not so much anymore). Convers for the first month, but then they turn to crap on your feet.

4. What brand of soda do you drink?
Diet Cola, either of the major brands. SMRHE does the Dew.

5. What brand of gum do you chew?
Big Red.

And, if my ongoing quest to write more, but constantly relying on questions to limp along here goes a new meme for Thursday:
1. If the President called up and said that he'd do his darnedest to implement any one policy or program you chose, what would you choose?
Healthcare. Nationalize it. Yes, just like Canada. No, I'm not afraid. The cost of healthcare in this country is insane, it's overinflated and access is limited to those who have money & insurance (just insurance doesn't even get you by anymore). And include dental, as we don't want to end up tlike Great Britian. Yucky.
2. Is there scientific knowledge best left undiscovered?
Gosh I don't think so anymore - possibly though there might be some call for scientific discoveries left unused.

3. If you could proclaim a new national holiday, what would it be and how would we celebrate it?
National Pay Attention To The World Around You Day. Celebrated with a paid day off and any bills that may be due on the day designated are null and void. Yay!
Hopefully, it would morph into a day where people create, and interact, and do something other than drive and work and bitch and whine about how much stuff sucks.

So, for whatever reason, spring or the onset of spring usually finds me digging out my jeans jacket. The jean jacket always brings to mind the ASB President I served with at HSU. At the time, I would never have admitted it (because i was quite linked up with my uber-Svengali) but I was super smitten with him. Lanky, poli-sci major, anarchist inclined (but tended to socialist action) and with beautiful eyes and a tendancy to call me things like "sport", "kiddo" and "tiger". All of which made me melt. No one had ever referred to me by nicknames (ok, i was "chella" for a bit, but I'm pretty sure Dena did that to make a backhanded swipe at me) before, and i loved it. Anyway, he always wore his levi jacket, rain or shine, and it had just one small green "wage peace" button on it. I remember thinking that was so...oh, hell, cool. Recently, as i was daydreaming on the bus about whatever happened to him, it occurred to me that MCWDITW bore a striking resemblance to ASBPG, just more compact, younger, and uh, certainly not a socialist. Why am i thinking these things? Dunno. Slow week, I guess. On to Friday.
1. What drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?
Well, sure, I prefer bottled. But i think plastic bottles are wasteful, so i use a filter system.
At my mom's we drink straight from the tap - well water.

2. What are your favourite flavor of chips?
No flavor, just plain kettle potato chips (mmmhmm, salt and oil whore right here!!), or plain tortilla (good ones though, NOT the cheapie store brands) with salsa. If it's got to be flavored (and i really don't prefer that) i do like the occasional dill pickle or ketchup (in canada and europe). I will eat a few nacho doritos, the nitrates kick my butt.

3. Of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?
Tough call, cause i cook a LOT of good stuff. I think the thing i crave most is the Basque chicken with rice - i frigging love that stuff. Also, chimichurra swordfish(or any fish) is also a fave.

4. How do you have your eggs?
Gah. Fried, hard, or omlette. Not broken scrambled, and do not ever bring me a soft-cooked egg. I will give it to the dog.

5. Who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?
Golly. I think it was Karen...it was ok. Baked chicken (beer can style), bread, and a fruit salad. Good wine. Yeah.

A little something new from Here. Could get to be a(nother) habit. Little steps. Big news though: SMRHE convinced me to quit talking about it and doing it. Things can only get better. Right?
Anyway:

1. Packrat or minimalist?
recovering packrat. with aspirations to minimalism. no, seriously.
2. Computer: desktop or laptop?
Desktop, with aspirations, but not funding for a laptop.
3. Seashore or mountains?
Ouch. Depends on which. Let's say northern california coast, where i can get as close to both in one without going to, say, Norway. Ick, Norway.
Ultimately, though, I guess I'd go mountains, for the more private option. Seems like people will always migrate to the sea.
4. Carpeting or bare floors?
Ohh, bare hardwoods, of course!
5. Drinking water: bottled or tap?
Bottled, unless i somehow find a way to live where water is okay to drink (and where's that, like Greenland or something?) from the tap.
6. Shopping websites: eBay or Amazon?
Started at Amazon, went thru the usual ugly period of Ebay, and now, mostly neither. Amazon was the last one i used though. Out of those two options anyway.
7. Cute little kitties or big scary tigers?
Tigers. Always with the tigers.
8. Front door or back door?
Back door.
9. Lots of jewelry, or little/none?
Dunno. 5 rings, 3 earrings, one necklace, same ones (yep, even the earrings) every day. Only the rings come off when i'm baking bread. Is that a little jewelry?
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: At the last minute, you obtain tickets to an event you're dying to attend. However, you have to work that day! Do you ask the boss for the time off, or just call in sick?
Depends on how short notice. Up to the day before, asking the boss generally isn't a problem. if for some reason, i found out at 11pm that i could go to...i dunno FRANCE the next morning. Yeah, i'd call in sick.

Ah, yes, another Mother's Day done. In fine style, the youngest brother "hosted" a bbq for Mom, but then proceeded to invite people to the fete that she really didn't know/doesn't like (other than her offspring, of course) and so it was a bit uncomfortable. Youngest Bro is a bit out of control lately, and i predict he's in for an ugly ephiphany shortly. Meanwhile, SMRHE fully rocks the acoustic action lately, and my nephew is a riot, literally and figuratively. Best LJ quote of the day:
me: "So now what are y'gonna do LJ?"
him: "EAT." and like a good little maw-filler he ambled over to the picnic table and filled his bowl with chips and grapes. Comes by that honestly, that's for sure.
Later, he pitched a fit when the 4-wheeler was put up.
So much like his dad, it's frightening.
He's also very attuned to having his picture taken. VERY attuned. To the point of me not really digging on snapping him, it's so cheesy. Ah well. So goes my *art*.
Meanwhile, from friday just for kicks...or something.

1. Would you consider yourself an organized person? Why or why not?
No. Never really have been. I'm one of those people who puts everything off until the last minute - and sometimes my ability makes up for my slackness, but usually it just means i'm really scattered. i go through periods where i have my shit together, but they are brief. i think my lack of organization comes from being a smart kid in school, and most things came easy, and i found that often, working on the fly, i seemed to work the best. I often won speaking competitions by working exteperaneously, which probably means i should have stayed in radio. go into radio? i do have a good voice. hrm.

2. Do you keep some type of planner, organizer, calendar, etc. with you, and do you use it regularly?
I have one. I took, on Kinko's dime, one of those Franklin Covey classes, and for a couple of months it really had me stoked. But now, my daytimer is basically retired - i use it more like a permanent folder, or an address book, more than anything else.

3. Would you say that your desk is organized right now?
Well, at work it is, but it's slow right now, and it's a shared desk. I mean it's primarily mine, but only by default. At home, there is no desk, so nope, it's not organized.

4. Do you alphabetize CDs, books, and DVDs, or does it not matter?
I used to, especially with albums, because the spines are hard to read - but SMRHE barely gets them back into the cases, so i've given up trying to keep them alphabetized - i used to liek it because it made things easier to find. But, nah, it doesn't matter.

5. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to organize?
Bills. absolutely.

Hanging tenuously here with the whole "writing" and "updating" thing. trying to make it a habit, but times are a bit rough at the moment. hopefully this too shall pass. Unitl then, the pseudobio contiues with the Friday Five:

1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
"Let's talk about sex" by Salt & Pepa. It reminds me of a lot of insanestuff, but most of all, it reminds me of Europe, where it was the only song in English we ever heard on the radio. I dug the Teenage Mutant Nija themesong then too - but it was "Torta Ninja" there.

2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
Wow, i don't think...oh, well, there is one: "Tick Tock" by the Vaughan brothers. It kills me to think of the potential talent lost, and SRV's whole story is just so tragic. But i can't think of a second one that really makes me cry. plenty make me a little sad - but not really cry-inducing. Eventually, it'll probably be an Uncle Tupelo song.

3. Name three songs that turn you on.
Huh. Husker Du - "flip your wig"
Prince "darling nikki" (no brainer, eh?)
and uh, let's call it "Ashtray Monument" by Jawbreaker, though most any song of theirs makes me, uhm, revved up.


4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
"heavy metal drummer" by wilco
"calendar" by 7seconds
"my life" by this side up
"indictment" by jawbreaker

5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without
"Jesus, etc" by wilco
"new wind" by 7 seconds
"frogger" bad religion
"spitfire" spinanes
and "busy" by jawbreaker

Almost a week behind, but bored to pieces, so here goes the Five.

1. What was the last TV show you watched?
Sadly, it was this morning's news locally. as per usual, it sucked. but i like most people only watch it for incorrect weather predictions...

2. What was the last thing you complained about?
The bitch who lives upstairs and how i don't think i should have to pay half the utilities for 1/3 the use of them. Luckily, i said it to my landlord, and he said to go ahead and pay a third of the utilities. woohoo!

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?
Gosh, i think i just did that to my coworker - i told him he was our favorite member of that specific department (because to me, he is).

4. What was the last thing you threw away?
Huh, i took out the recycling this morning. but the last thing i put in the garbage can here at work was of course, paper.

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?
Wilcomovie.com

is it just me, or are there some constants in my celebrity choices lately?
maybe i just don't watch enough damn tv.

seriously, i'm really close to actually getting back into writing on a regular basis. i gave my music notice last night. finally. on to better things, i hope.

(didn't get this finished last week...)

Ok. Still not sure what's in my heart, other than a big black mass of goo right now. As far as the band goes - it looks like the destruction (like the creation) is all in my hands - again. I know the smart thing to do is to cut my losses and bail on this - i don't have the cash to engage in this sort of half-hearted bullshit. so i dunno what to do. i hate that everything has to come down to money, and it grates on me that i was, ever so briefly, out of major debt - i had it in control. and now i don't. and it's a drag. but anyway, on to some nice diversionary turf: Friday!:
1. Who is your favorite celebrity?
Golly. My gut says John McEnroe, but i think that's a throwback reaction. I like to keep tabs of Kevin Smith, though lately i've been indulging in sucking up a lot of wilco/jeff tweedy information. it'll pass. celebs. hmm........so many to choose from: ooooh! Mick and Keef!! I love them!
2. Who is your least favorite?
Bah, any "supermodel".

3. Have you ever met or seen any celebrities in real life?
Quite a few, actually. Jamie Lee Curtis has an insane burly handshake. Billy Idol is Elvis and i know so after being ejected from his hospitality suite. Uhm...yeah.

4. Would you want to be famous? Why or why not?
Well, sure. Though i'd like to be famous for doing something cool, like creating a song or a work of art or a political action. Not for marrying someone or being in the right place at the right time. I'd like to have access to more things, and not spend as much time doing tedious job things.

5. If you had to trade places with a celebrity for a day, who would you choose and why
Ah, sure. Green Day. Or let's go big guns and say Lisa Marie Presley. I mean, if you're gonna try it out, you might as well try it full on.

Agh.
I fear my heart isn't in the band - again. I just don't feel like i'm doing what i'm supposed to do. i feel like i'm swimming upstream. i am good at writing and photography, and yet i insist on playing music, which i'm a hack at.
What to do. Especially since i've invited Lia and Carlene on board. Hrm. Maybe i can just drop out gracefully.
Lately, i'd just like to be able to crawl up into a ball and be alone.Seriously. Not just feel alone, but be.
Right. So the Five are kinda interesting today:
1. What was the first band you saw in concert?
The first band I ever saw was Modo Vita at a rollerrink somewhere on the Eastside (I think). Then some stuff at Bumbershoot. My first big-arena RAWK show was a crazy bill at the Kingdome: Joan Jett, Loverboy, Blue Oyster Cult and Foreigner. I cannot tell a lie: I was there to see Loverboy. It was wonderful in all the classic ways: a joint being passed through the crowd, godzilla coming out of the stage when BOC played "Godzilla" Foreigner and their hair...good stuff. Joan rocked, but i wasn't hip enough to appreciate it, much less her.

2. Who is your favorite artist/band now?
Currently gigging: Juno
Alltime favorite: Gits, 7Seconds, Jawbreaker

3. What's your favorite song?
Heh. so very many to choose from...but i think it's probably "The Inside". 7Seconds, from New wind.

4. If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Heh. Bass. No, kidding. Drums.

5. If you could meet any musical icon (past or present), who would it be and why?
I think i might like to hang out with Mick & Keith. Or Ringo. No, no, .....ELVIS! I mean for crying out loud, if yer gonna hang out with an icon....go for broke, yeah?

"Freedom's taste is unquenchable."
Please, please let that be a(nother) presidential misquote. What a butcher of the English language. You have to really suck to make me miss Clinton in office, that's all i've got to say.
Also: well of course the Kurds are happy. Jeez. I have begun to read the Atlantic Monthly and the Nation (both I haven't red since college) - just because I have to hear some sort of logical discussion of world affairs - you just can't get that on broadcast news these days.
"It appears" Hussian's regime has fallen. Well, for now. But someone's gonna make a power grab once the dust settles. and meanwhile how do Bahgdad's people get water and electricity turned back on?

Woohoo, it's Friday..
Apologies to anyone who might be reading this that it has become a friday five update section. i promise, a real "insert clever phrase"-worthy style will return soon. soon

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?
Only counting the ones i can really remember (none of that "apartment when i was a baby" stuff): 12. Three apartments; 9 houses (4 of those being of the group variety, 3 being homes with my family, one house with husband ((though it's a duplex, so it's only 1/2 a house really)) and one tiny house all by myself with Scraps. Ah, those were the days....)

2. Which was your favorite and why?
Well, sure, the little one i was alone in for pure life-purposes. But coolest house as far as the structure goes: the house we lived in in leona valley. It was on 5 acres of land, and the house itself had a living room with adobe walls, a kitchen with a pot-bellied stove, and my room had these wonderful built-in shelves, a glass door with an old-school key/lock, and it had a door to the outside via the laundry room! Oh yeah, and it had a great old bathtub with feet, and the living room had an enormous picture window in the living room that overlooked our whole front orchard and a good chunk of the valley. The living room also featured 18" thick adobe walls (really!) and paniment stone from death valley, and a ceiling made from huge pine poles. My father used to have a whole speil he'd give to visitors. I wished I'd taped it or written it down...we used to give him such a hard time about "The Tour".

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?
It goes both ways for me. Mostly though, I like it, as I like beginnings. Some situations that precede the moves (especially from group houses) are usually a bit stressful, but generally I don't stress over it. It's a pain to actually DO the packing and shit, but I overall like it because i always seem to have friends that want to help, and then it means we end up spending a couple of days hanging out (so i can pay them in food and beverages), so it's usually ok overall. But some moves suck, but it's usually because the move is required, or forced in some way (or you're escaping some heinous situation).

4. What's more important, location or price?
Well - price is pretty important, but location is usually what rules my final decision, if Ive got enough money to allow it.
So yeah, price ultimately.
And if they take dogs.

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?
Gun turrets.
Nah. It's got lots of room around it (garden-ish), a large porch, fireplace, french doors connected to my bedroom (don't care if they go to the hall or the deck, but somewhere, and a big kitchen with wide counters and light. Yeah. Oh, and a bathroom with the spiffy toilets, and one of those hip granite shower/japanese soaking tubs.
Oh, and a laundry room with sharp euro style washer and dryer.

Another Friday.
1. What was your most memorable moment from the last week?
The emergency pet clinic telling me that they wouldn't be able to give me & Scraps the care that we deserve right then.

2. What one person touched your life this week?
Rodney calling up out of the blue after about 6 mos. of silence.

3. How have you helped someone this week?
Well, that's always a tough call now isn't it? I helped my mom just feel better. Since my dad died 8 years ago, sometimes she had some serious blue periods and needs some cheerleading. And i helped her take care of her horses and stuff - so that's always good. Took the dog to the vet - i'm sure that helped her, but i should have done it sooner. And everyday i help people make their reprographic dreams come true (cough, cough).

4. What one thing do you need to get done by this time next week?
Must get taxes done. Must.

5. What one thing will you do over the next seven days to make your world a better place?
i'm going to continue to practice non-attachement/patience because i believe that good will reproduces exponentially.

Yikes, another week almost gone by, and me with so much to say, and no one really, to say it to.
Recently, the band project took an uplifting twist and now we're not gonna be a cover band anymore, and to that i say hurrah!
"Bowling for Columbine" won an Oscar, and Michael Moore did exactly as I expected. Could have been a bit more graceful, but the sentiment is appreciated. Anything less, and I would have been quick to call him a hypocrite. Because for someone like him, if he had taken that stage and not said anything, it would have gone against everything he's ever put on film or on paper. So, while I thought he was on the eloquence tip - what with talking about being filmakers who deal with reality, etc, and the regime in the White House not dealing with the rest of the world in a way that would indicate they have any sort of clue about reality, he devolved into a wimpy (in my opinion) "Shame on You" - i thought that choice of phrasing was lame, but at least he took the moment to voice his dissent.
And that, if anyone out there is reading this, is what the USA is all about. You can snivel all you want, but if you truly value your freedom then you sure as hell better excercise it. I'm sick of listening to people who don't even know the names of their state senator (not US congressman/woman, your STATE legislator, the person who really and truly can make things better or worse for you today...) tell me we should "back the president" back him? Back him into a corner and squash him like a bug before he gets us into so much trouble that there WILL be more attacks on our soil.
Today, a coworker who is intelligent, but definitely conservative, told me that ultimately he believes that this President and his minions are really trying to send a message to the rest of the world that goes something like this:
"Look, quit coming here looking for democracy and wealth. Go back to your own country and create your own democracy and wealth. If you don't create some democracy and wealth soon, then we're going to have to FORCE you to do that. For your own good. No, really, for your own good."
I shared my belief that I honestly do not feel that the United States of America was founded on that belief. We are where you come if you want democracy. No one ever said we were supposed to impose that belief on others. That's the point: those who want to live in a free, somewhat open market-representational democracy, you come here. The rest of you, go somewhere else. Life isn't fair, we can't make everyone happy and free, and they certainly aren't looking to make us happy or more successful.
Yes, yes, i know, plenty of other countries put limits on immigration - but see, that's why we're America dammit. We are different. Aren't we? Aren't we?
I was asked what i thought we should "do" about Iraq instead of invade. Well, at this point, i don't really see as there's much point in doing anything. We've spit in the water - there's no take backs. We put sanctions on a country that can't feed itself. We turned a population that worshiped us in Serbia completely against us by using sanctions incorrectly (correct use: South Africa) - so the only option I see, is to allow Iraquis who want to leave Iraq to come here - much as we did Iranians in the '70s. Of course, it'd be nice if we let more than just the richest of the population come. Do I worry about overloading social sevices? Not really - because here's the thing: to create change, you must take a diffinitive action. How about American companies willing to set up shop in Iraq get tax breaks or bennies like those who work with China do? China doesn't treat their people well. Ultimately, it's a not doing anything sort of action, but you have to respect that Iraq, and Baghdad is one of the oldest nations on earth.

Still in a funk, but the Friday Five are kinda interesting this week:
1. If you had the chance to meet someone you've never met, from the past or present, who would it be?
Emma Goldman is the first person that comes to mind, though followed by Leonardo Da Vinci. you know, the more I think about it, the more I'd like to meet some distant relative of mine: someone, say 5 generations back (hopefully either just arrived in America, or about to arrive) and on my Dad's side, since i know so little about my background. Yeah. That's it. That's my final answer. I'd settle for even my maternal grandfather's dad, as rumour has it he was pretty wild too...

2. If you had to live in a different century, past or future, which would it be?
Well - turn of the century here in America would've been tough, but intense. So yeah, mid-late 1800's

3. If you had to move anywhere else on Earth, where would it be?
Slovenia. Pretty much anywhere, but for the sake of clarity, let's say Sezna.
Would also settle for cabin in central Alaska, or small town in south western France.

4. If you had to be a fictional character, who would it be?
I'd like to be the person who brings about world peace. No, seriously.

5. If you had to live with having someone else's face as your own for the rest of your life, whose would it be?
This'll seem weird, but you know, I'd kinda dig looking like Angelina Jolie.

i feel compelled to point out that as far as i know, when the USA has invaded any nation, promising to rebuild it and make it a "democracy" what it does in reality is blow countries wide open, install new non-elected leaders, dump some leftover foodpackets, and leave. Then, as we did all over Africa and Central America, we wait 10 or 15 years, declare that the countries have "failed" at "democracy" and again, go in, rape, pillage and steal (from an economic perspective) and start the routine again. I challenge someone (anyone) to point out one instance in which we have invaded a third-world country to oust an "evil" dictator and then helped the country back onto it's feet. Legitimately. Legitimate meaning that we provided food, shelter and medical assistance, education, books and person power to help people learn to govern themselve. Somalia. Guatemala. Nicaragua. El Slavador. Mozambique. Indonesia. Afghanistan. Pick one. Any one.

"Do not destroy oil rigs..."
What? Does anyone still doubt that this is all about money? About oil? About the Bush/Cheney investment portfolio?
Why is it Americans will riot in the streets when their professional sports teams lose (or win) but the leader of the United States of America essentially tells the rest of the world to fuck off and get out of our sandbox if yer not gonna be on our team, and no one does anything? What is wrong with us? When i think about going out and taking some sort of action, it all seems so ineffectual. Last night i was overwhelmed with a feeling of just not being part of this culture. It's not a new feeling, but now, more than ever, I am disgusted by this country and it's unwillingness to be a member of the global community.
Dubya=Nero, baby. Burn, burn, fiddle, burn.

At the risk of stating the obvious: Dubya is a lying sack of rocks. Is anyone suprised that as the deadline for compliance looms, the rules for Saddam-bob (a small homage to my old pals in Mr Ureling's history class. though none of us are still pals ((in practice. perhaps in theory, but who knows. i'm not paying classmates jack to find out if Derek and Brad and Greg want to exchange emails 20 years down the road)) ) change to: "Get out of the country." Sure, initially it was all about getting rid of his weapons of mass destruction, but in the end, it turns out it is a battle of wills, and Dubya wants to avenge Daddy. Or Daddy wants to. Whatever. There was a link to a funny list of new items Saddam would have to do to avoid war. If i can scrounge it up, i'll post it...

TheFive for now, more later, hopefully.

1. Do you like talking on the phone? Why or why not?
I really, really dislike talking on the phone. Always have. Dunno why, except that i have this constant feeling I'm not being clear enough, and also that i'm somehow wasting time.

2. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
Julie the Drummer.

3. About how many telephones do you have at home?
One plugged in, and two in a box.

4. Have you encountered anyone who has really bad phone manners? What happened?
Well, SMRHE does have a tendancy to chew loudly (gum, sandwich, whatever) while on the phone which i think is bad form. Generally, that's the big one forme - someone eating. Work-wise, speakerphone users really, really suck, especially when you know it's someone sitting at a desk. Production workers, that's one thing (sometimes, you gotta keep mousing while ya talk, or hitting the green button) but managers who use speaker phones are lame. I tend to ask people to pick up on the pretense of not being able to hear them well enough.

5. Would you rather pick up the phone and call someone or write them an e-mail or a letter? Why or why not?
Oh, I would much rather write a letter. I've settled lately for emails, but that seems weak too. I call my mom the most, even though i know she likes to get letters too, but i also know she enjoys hearing my voice. so, y'know, i make compromises. back in the day, i was a letter-writing machine. lately, not so much. which bothers me like a mild toothache.

today i simply want to run away from home.
i need to decide what i really want to do. Being in a cover band isn't it. I miss writing, photography and stuff. Seems there's no time left anymore.

So I uncharacteristically posted at the old website on Sunday because I suspect someone (I'm not wholly sure of their identity yet, though I have my suspicions) was waiting for me to write up a little bit about the movie screening on Saturday night, and I know no one comes here. It was a preview of a documentary about The Gits. SMRHE and I attended, though as always I had mixed (really mixed) emotions about the whole thing. It's hard for me because I really, honestly loved the band so much. Rarely does a band make me feel the way the Gits did - i even mentioned that to Juno's singer in an email once when i was explaining how inspiring they were to me lately, that short of the Gits, rarely does a band make me want to pick up my guitar, or pen, or camera and create. On top of that, the Gits always left me feeling happy and tired, like all good punk rock did.
Beyond all that, there was a personal connection that was obliterated, by me not behaving (i guess) according to accepted protocol. And I got cut out of the loop. Whatever - I'm not bitter, though i have often said that i think often their attitudes in circling the wagons was a little misguided. But whatever. I went to the film knowing that all the major players would be there and they would most likely ignore me like they have for the last 5 or 6 years when I have run into any of them in public situations (shows, or even the Seafish Lville release). So I was wholly unprepared for Steve saying hi. I was also unprepared for the look of consternation. Had things gone differently, or had i (i suppose) been more forgiving maybe i would have stepped up to him and engaged him in a conversation - but what was there to say? Nothing. So, he asked how i was, and i he. pause. for lack of anything better to say, i said i was excited, and he replied that it would be weird.
and so it was. i'm not gonna go into any more detail about the people i saw and didn't talk to, but it was a very strange feeling to be amongst what i can only describe as ghosts.
aside from all that, the movie (or what we saw of it) was wonderful, and did a fine job of capturing a lot of how it felt to have the Gits in your life. I got choked up a couple of times, laughed several times (the German is still unavoidably logical and hilarious all at the same time), and after listening to the Q&A after, I was also feeling good about the remaining members and how the film would progress.
In my other post, I went on about how much the Gits represented a certain community of punk rock - a community I very much miss. I think that's one of the most important reasons to tell their story (aside from their pheonomenal talent) as well. Not enough gets said about the foundation of this "alternative" scene, so it's nice to see it recognized, even if it has to come about through a tragedy.

Yeah, so the first practice was a little wake-up call...man, i hate practicing like nothing else. And i have this weird, ingrained aversion to learning covers. Great, eh? Yeah, that'll help, now that i've agreed to do this cover-band thing. Ah well. Last night, J cancelled practice, and while i could have gonedown to the space and played with D, I bailed and enjoyed a quiet (ooh, big switch) night at home.
Right. Which brings us to the Five:
1. What was the last song you heard?
Sadly, it was Joan Jett, "victim of circumstance" the song we were practicing. I played a bit of Jawbreaker this morning on guitar (Ashtray Monument) but that doesn't count...

2. What were the last two movies you saw?
In the theater? LOTR-TTT, and uhm, hell - Spiderman, or Men In Black 2. We don't go see movies much. At home, we rented the new Kevin Smith dvd - it's a compilations of the presentations he's given on college campuses recently. Funny, funny guy, and I have to admit to having a small crush on Silent Bob/Kev. I like his style. Heh. Uh, we also rented "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" - frigging Jack, man. also, Road to Perdition, which was certainly one of Hank's better performances, though he slipped into nice guy mode a couple of times.

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Ooh. Bus pass. Smokes for SMRHE, and food for dinner. Yeah, living on the edge.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
1. band practice of some form
2. Home Depot run for plumbing supplies/wheels for amp
3. Groceries/toilet paper
4. Call mom.

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Real conversations, not email/work crap:
SMRHE, Karen, Rory, Julie, Debra.

Tonight will be the first official practice of Jett_house. I'm already feeling like i want to bail - but sort of like forcing myself to go to a show alone just to make sure that i was right and that it's going to suck, i feel like i have to at least give it a shot. so i'll go. but my heart's not really in it. i feel like i like my evenings the way they are, and i don't know if i want to pursue something, especially music-wise that doesn't include SMRHE. Yeah. That's a big part of it - because i know i won't see much of him if i do this. but maybe that's a good thing. maybe we see too much of each other? something like that. we'll see how it goes tonight. it was weird going by M's the other evening - some things never change, and he, unfortunately is one of them. in small doses though, it's ok. i guess. yeowch.

oh yeah, the Five:
1. What is your favorite type of literature to read (magazine, newspaper, novels, nonfiction, poetry, etc.)?
Ooh, i've always been a big fan of the periodical, specifically fanzines. I'm a memoir junkie as well.

2. What is your favorite novel?
Funny, I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and there are so very many that I have enjoyed - but I guess, ultimately, I'd have to go with...gee..I'm still not sure I can call it in the air...i feel a sudden need to look at my bookshelf again before deciding.

3. Do you have a favorite poem? (Share it!)
I have a favorite poet: Sherman Alexie, and anything out of his book "Like Water Flowing Home" rocks my world.

4. What is one thing you've always wanted to read, or wish you had more time to read?
Ah, why War & Peace (or any Tolstoy, really). But also "100 Years of Solitude" which I'm actually going to tackle shortly.

5. What are you currently reading?
Whew, this would have been really embarrassing yesterday. But today it's only slightly lame: I'm reading "Good in Bed" by jennifer weiner, and also "a cometbus omnibus".

Huh, I just realized that my big plan was to journal the books that i've been reading, and once again, i haven't done it...ah well.

So, I had meant to write about Mr Rogers yesterday, and got sidetracked into a mean-spirited rant about Dubya. Typical, huh? Since then, I've read plenty of tributes to the man and his show, and I don't know if I have anything any more eloquent than anyone else, but I do feel compelled to state what seems obvious to me: kids who grow up with Mr Rogers grow up lame and sad and unimaginative. What else can explain the kids today? The fact that they get no nourishing information frm TV. Yes, he continued producing the show into 2001, but I wonder if there are any stats about how many kids were actually still watching it?

Man, the world just gets less and less interesting. Mr. Rogers died today and after watching King George give yet another pompous speech about shit he not only doesn't believe, but based on his facial expressions (am I the only one who thinks his facial expressions are completely inappropriate to the words coming out of his mouth? He looks alternately smug, confused, and often smirking like he's talking about boobies or something. Like he's this little kid who has all the adult attention at dinner time. Agh, it pains me to even think about this).) but I seriously doubt he understands. Just an ejaculation of complete lies and bullshit. Honestly, who the hell is going to rescue the United States of America from our evil despot? If you accept the definition of dictator, then someone might like to point out the percentage of Americans living in poverty. Oh sure, they have cars (everyone loves the Ford Tempo) and they have TVs (keep them fat and stupid, like good cattle), but do we Americans have any sense of SELF? Any clue to our responsibility to the rest of the planet?
Agh. I can't do this again. I have reached burnout.

I was watching the seagulls this morning. They are plentiful here in the International (nee Chinatown) district where I work - only 4 blocks to the waterfront, and plenty of prime dumpsters to scavenge from. This morning though, as I crossed the old Uyajimaya parking lot, I noticed a couple dozen of them appeared to be playing as they flew around above the lot. There was plenty of squawking and they swooped around in big lazy circles, diving in front of each other (I watched several almost collide mid-flight, only to pull up just before impact, without any seeming panic or hostility. You ever see crows dive-bomb each other? Those are some mean, cranky birds, but these gulls were all very mellow), it was like they were a bunch of winged skaters just sessioning for the sheer joy of it. I immediately remembered reading Jonathan Livingston Seagull and how JLS was so into the joy of flight. It sure seemed like those gulls were digging on being gulls - sort of like when you watch sea otters (and i love to watch sea otters) they just look like they really LIKE being who they are. Yes, yes, I'm anthropormorphasizing animals again, so sue me. My head is in a wacky place at the moment. I feel like some major changes are gonna have to happen, and not all of them are going to be pleasant, so I'm daydreaming about seagulls. Riiight.
Meanwhile, it's Friday so here we go:
1. What is your most prized material possession?
I don't really prize possessions, but I guess my camera or Rickenbacker bass both qualify, as things I'm proud to use and own.

2. What item, that you currently own, have you had the longest?
The small stuffed koala that was my first ever retail purchase with my own money. I was 7. It has a safety pin in it's ear, 'cause y'know, punk rock and stuff.

3. Are you a packrat?
Not nearly to the extent that I was. SMRGE is though. A throw-it-in-a-box packrat no less. I've gotten progressively better over the years, lightening my load.

4. Do you prefer a spic-and-span clean house? Or is some clutter necessary to avoid the appearance of a museum?
I was raised in a tidy, but lived-in house, and that's what I prefer. I have a dog, so spic&span isn't even a reality. Clutter bugs me.

5. Do the rooms in your house have a theme? Or is it a mixture of knick-knacks here and there?
Hell no. The whole place is "decorated" with stuff from our lives. Art we made or people made for us mostly.

Here's the thing George, (can I call you George? I mean, sure, Mr President is the official title, but you have really sold america on the "i'm just one of the guys" thing, so I feel like y'know, if we were at a meeting ((you used to go to those, right George? Maybe you still do? Maybe you still should since it seems like you've forgotten about humility)) I'd call you George B, and you'd know me as Michelle O, so I figure it's okay to call you George, but maybe I should stick to Dubya, because back in the day, when I was addressing yer dad (and I did address your Dad a lot, because I really thought I was fighting evil and making a difference, but then you come along and prove that evil begets evil and that well, here we frigging go AGAIN) I called him King George, so it would just be too confusing for both of us if I did that, so...yeah, Georgie, maybe?) the thing is, you do have a responsibility to do what we the voters want. I'm pretty fucking sure that it's in your job description - something about the representational form of govornment. If a lot (in this case millions) of people display a preference (like, oh, not having a pointless war in the name of oil and your families' retarded need to dominate the planet) then you are supposed to make decisions based on that. We have freedom of speech not just to get shit off our chests, George, but in order to be able to directly influence political representatives. I'm pretty goddamn sure you don't read your email, much less the written stuff. Sure, that has more to do with your inability to read as opposed to what I firmly believe is an overall disrespect of the Amercian Public, but I digress. What I'm saying is that just because 40 percent of the American public is so stupid that they care about a lying construction worker/model looking for love from 20 money-grubbing golddiggers, doesn't mean that the hundreds of thousands all over this grand country aren't protesting the war just to piss you off. People are in the streets because they are pissed, Dubya. Even the little guys, the mechanics, the gas station attendants, the accounting drones are pissed. They are starting to think (!) that you are a power-hungry war-mongering functionary of the upper class. Yeah, George, sure you know that I, and all the other people with the CIA files filled to the brim with ties to freeing Nelson Mandela, and getting the US to divest from South Africa, and fighting bastard organizations like Operation Rescue and your Dad's little forays into Central America...sure, you know that we're all on to you, but the bad news (and you're making it worse) is that you are now tipping your hand to the Springer People. The TV folk, the people who swarm Wal-Mart when you tell them to buy duct tape ( hey George, did you ever see the British animated movie, "When The Wind Blows" about what happens after a nuclear war? You should check it out George, it's a cartoon, and it's educational, you might learn more from it than listening to Dick Cheney and his boys tell you how they did it back in '90) they're starting to wonder what in the hell is going on. They're not gonna like getting pulled over at the airport in the name of "homeland security" they aren't gonna like it when you start telling them when and where they can go, and what they can watch or read. Ask your Dad what happened when he started pulling this shit. Have you seen "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" George? Of course you have. Your dad is a punchline ("Voodoo economics" George. Don't do it. It's never ever worked. Everyone knows it. Bad call.), and you are on your way. I'm just afraid this time, we're a bit too close to the edge. You need to chill out. I'm sorry if Jeb picked on you a lot as a kid, or knocked your ice cream on the gorund, or whatever it is that makes you think you need to play the bully role, but you need to cut it out. You are the (unfairly) elected leader of the most powerful nation on the planet, and you are being an asshole. I don't appreciate it. I could go on and on about how I was in Europe when your dad lost the election in '92 and how amazingly happy everyone in all 12 countries that I travelled to were about it. They were stoked. Which means they were sick and tired of the oppressive nature to begin with. I haven't been back recently, but word on the street (and the internet, you do know about the internet, right?If not, ask Al, he'll explain it. Or ask yer daughters, they're very popular in cyberspace as well) is that no one likes you. At all. You make bad choices. It looks like you don't really have a plan at all, except to be a bully. That's lame George, and it's not very humble.
Please listen to the people of this country when they go out of their way to display their wishes. It's your job.

So this weekend I took another step back in the direction I was headed about 3 years ago, and then proceeded to let myself get derailed by love. This time though, I'm going to be both thinner, and married. I got the bike out of the storage area, and put it on the damn training rack, and got a new smooth tire, set it up in the bedroom (because we have no other space) and proceeded to ride it. Now, I only got through 3 Severna Park songs (I used to do the entire record, or the whole Sicko "You are not the boss of me" LP) before I thought my heart would explode, but I did it. and I have done it every night since. Already I feel 100 percent better, just sweating for 12 minutes. I'm anxious to get back to where I was - doing the 30 minutes and not thinking twice about it. Because THAT is what got me out of my rut before. No matter how little I eat, I only lose weight if I sweat. Walking 3 miles a day doesn't even cut it - my body is so used to that as a daily routine sort of thing that it doesn't even register as a workout anymore, it is just part of my day. Which blows. But anyway, I'm stoked that I might return to that mindset that I had a few years ago - I remember going with my mom to Vegas while she visited with friends, and I was so freaked out by not having a bike to ride, I just started walking around the frigging desert - walked from the MGM to the Hard Rock, and back around...almost in a fit about not burning calories. Sure that sounds nutty, but for me, it was a big improvement over simply not giving a damn.
The weird thing this time is now I share my life with someone, so I sort of feel obligated to behave in a somewhat normal manner (no dinners of air-popped popcorn for me) eating-wise, which with any luck will mean I will actually create habits that will stick, and I won't slide into a rut again.
It's strange though, sometimes I feel like SMRGE thinks the whole idea of sweating is silly. It's easy for him though - he has that massive cancer to feed, and it keeps him rail thin. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once again, a whole week slides by and brings us to the Friday Five
1. Explain why you started to journal/blog.
Because I had/have an overwhelming desire to write. The journal provided me with the one forum I always wanted, which is basically a daily personal forum to ruminate on all types of subjects, both personal and non.

2. Do people you interact with day to day or family members know about your journal/blog? Why or why not?
Well, this is actually my second blog. I started with a journal at another site, which was very honest and sometimes bordered on rabid. Some of the stuff I wrote about was pretty damn funny/insightful (or so they tell me; it's still out there - though the most recent entries are admittedly lame). I covered everything from daily walks with my dog to current world politics. I initially pointed a lot of friends who lived far away there so they could sort of keep up with me as if I was still physically writing letters all the time. Beyond that, I was unattached when I started journaling online (talk about adding fuel to the fire) and then started going out with the guy who I eventually married - in fact, when we first got together, I pointed him to it immediately, figuring it was the best way for him to get to know "me" fastest. But as we spent more time together, I felt more and more uncomfortable writing about us and as I grew more aware of how many people were reading, it seemed like I couldn't come up with the same quality of writing...so I blogged less and less, until finally, I'm pretty sure, no one checks it anymore. I moved here, in an effort to regain the anonymity of before, in the hope that it would move me to write more often, because ultimately, I miss writing everyday.
Oh, and only one brother knows about the journal, and I'm pretty sure he never bothered to check it out. The rest of my family is either not online, or haven't been told. I have had people find my journal via searches, and sometimes, since they haven't talked to me in years, have gotten all ganked up about things they've read. It has led me to edit a bit, and write less - but things have changed in my life a lot, i have less free time to just write in general - i used to do a lot of it at work, and that just isn't as doable as it was before.

3. Do you have a theme for your journal/blog?
Is honesty a theme? Ranting? Mindless drivel?


4. What direction would you like to have your journal/blog go in over the next year?
I'd like to regain the more immediate tone my previous effort had. I'd like it to be thought-provoking.

5. Pimp five of your favorite journals/blogs.
Okay, but my favorite blogs are oldschool, that is they were online journals before "blogging" was *cool*. Some don't update very often, but when they do, it's always worth it.
Heather
Lance
Mary
Gus
Ceej

In a desperate attempt to avoid the reality of having fucked up my marriage...how about 5 inane questions from Friday?

1. What did you have for breakfast this morning? If you didn't have breakfast, why not?
english muffin with cranberry jam i made at xmas, and a banana.

2. What's your favorite cereal?
Post cranberry nut crunch.

3. How often do you eat out? Do you want that to change?
not often enough. yeah, it'd be cool if we went out more to eat, though i do like to cook, so it's not too big a deal.

4. What do you plan on having for dinner tonight? Got a recipe for that?
Uh, gonna roast a chicken...yeah, i've got a recipe. Probably do brocolli and potatoes with.

5. What's your favorite restaurant? Why?
Golly, i don't go enough to have a favorite, but i really enjoyed bandaleone when we went there once, and i always enjoyed hana sushi, and the mashiko sushi place over in west seattle was nice as well.

So, yeah. He gazed across the table and broke the silence (not an uncomfortable silence, just a comfy hey-here-we-are-at-the-local-mexican-joint-for-grub silence) with "So, how about those Juno boys, eh?"
To which I replied the only way I know how "They are a most talented group of guys." To which I added, "And they rocked the fuckin' house Saturday, and the bass player, that Jason guy, owned those songs."
I said that, because the man did, and it was no small feat.

One of the first webjournals i ever came across (while surfing on Xerox/Microsoft's dime) was Musings of the Gus - which I found through some random search for punk rock sites back in the day (that'd be '95 or so, for those of you keeping track at home)). Anyway, I still read Gus fairly often, though I took a long break from his rambling stuff while he was in LA; as I found he had become boring, and the inclusion of adventures with his girl were not just boring, but poorly written. But he's back on the East Coast now, and with a new girl who obviously indulges his sardonic side, which is nice to see. Occsionally he writes something and I feel like he's beaten me to the punch. Tow wit:
"For those of you who are religious and wonder what message God was trying to send with today's disaster, hold on to your Bibles and fret no more, I think I have this one figured out! The problem seems to have been with the Columbia's left wing, which either broke off or otherwise malfunctioned while the shuttle re-entered Earth's atmosphere. I'm thinking that God was fed up with the continuing marginalization and oppression of the Left by the present American administration, and in His own inimitably mysterious way, decided to send our nation a message by smiting the left wing of its most famous and flamboyant of wing-ed craft, thereby demonstrating an important fact: you cannot fly without a left wing."
Nicely done, Gus.

Well. I had big plans to post over the weekend, what with all the action, but it (as usual) got pushed back. I wanted to wax rhapsodorically (you like that? yeah, me too.) about the wonder that is the local band Juno, as I don't think I've done that in this venue (and it'd be a nice break from the constant braying about my lost punk rock youth. Although it seems that that is what my internet presence has become, merely a sounding board for my inability to cope with not being part of the scene anymore). However, the space shuttle is on my mind, as it is many people's lately. Though I'll wager my thoughts aren't like theirs.
Here's why: I am one of those freaks who wasn't terribly upset by the explosion of the Challenger. I'm assuming here that there are some - though I have yet to come across anyone who doesn't go on and on about how it impacted them. I was in college, a freshman when it happened. I remember it quite clearly, because it was still so new that the launches were still regularly broadcast on TV. Being the speed demon that I was at the time, I was routinely up at 6am on weekday mornings, usually at Mike's apartment, watching TV before hitting class. Generally, I enjoyed indulging in Jim & Tammy Faye (it's a long story, though fairly humerous, it's too long to go into here, now, but rest assured I wasn't a member of the GodSquad) - but that morning, we were indeed watching the Today show (as I recall) and the liftoff. I do remember being amazed that I was actually seeing it happen. I remember thinking "Wow, it really did blow up. Live, in front of the world." Because at that point in our country's sordid little history, we didn't have a long list of public deaths to choose from: you had JFK, RFK, MLK, and uh, oh, yeah, Lee Harvey Oswald. Beyond that, not a lot going on in that area. It had been a long time since we'd seen heroes go down. Certainly it was my generation's first experience. But here's the weird part for me: I didn't dwell on the deaths as unfortunate lives lost. Naw. It hit me then, as it does now, that part of the risk in being an astronaut is the danger of what you are doing. Seriously. You are shooting a tube full of people into space. Not just the sky (I mean, if you concentrate on it, airplanes are just begging to be smacked down by Nature) but into space away from the earth. With big, explosive rockets. It's a dangerous gig my friends. Just because the Space Shuttle looks like a plane doesn't mean it is one. But I'm digressing (obviously). My point is that part of what (I think, though the the loved ones' of the dead seem to concur) attracts people to being an astronaut in the first place is the danger. The risk. Because the payoff (being in outer space) is awfully fucking cool. Have you seen the video from the mission? Do you see anyone bummed out? Sad? Bored? Hell no. Every person looks totally into what they are doing, and if there is one thing that I know, it's that when you are living in the moment, fully enjoying what you are and where you are, that is what makes life worth living. They train for the mission. They are aware of the risks, and they choose to do what they do because at some point your will to do it supercedes everything else. If they had second thoughts they would stay on the ground. I furmly believe that. Which is why I'm sickened by all the weepy bullshit around America. It's NOT some horrible loss - it is in fact a great example of the courage and daring that makes some people truly inspiring. I can't see it any other way. I can' t mourn for those people, because I don't believe they lost their lives in vain, or due to some sort of preventable issue. Yeah, I realize the explosion is most likely due to a malfunction, but those happen. Risks are there. Statistically, we're gonna lose some shuttles. We are going to crash cars, planes are going to crash, generally, bad things happen in life. But to get all weepy does no one any good. Plus, let's all pull back and quit teaching our kids to be so goddanm morose. Grief counselors are a growth industry. It's time we as a nation frigging bucked up. To wit, I offer Hunter S Thompson in today's salon: