out of the dark caves of time

Am I the only person who looks at old photos (I mean, proper old, like 50 years or more) and tries to imagine what that person in the photo's life was like, or even what they were thinking in that captured moment. I'm not sure if it's because I looked through a lens for so long, or what my weird obsession with people is but I'm always inordinately curious about what people are thinking, why they do what they do. My biggest regret is not having more time to pursue this, but that being said, maybe I'll just fuck off and go back to school. In the meantime, I will just, I guess, continue to ruminate. Literally, and figuratively, as once again, the Spring Crud has infiltrated my lungs and I am coughing, have a ridiculously itchy throat and just wanna go to sleep. Ideally for like 10 years, and just wake up, none the wiser, none the older, just well-rested and ready to do battle. No such luck though. Instead, I am chewing on old personal bullshit.Yep, Daddy Issues. They are a mountain I climb, and then get to a ledge and feel like it's futile at best to continue. At any rate: here I am again. This time, courtesy the TV show in it's final season, Succession.
Now, this show ostensibly has nothing to do with me, or my life experience. It's all about a super-wealthy family who control a media empire.
However, what all the siblings share is a debilitating (in various ways) level of need for their father's approval. That part has always resonated, but the most recent episode, where they kill off the old man really struck me in an odd way that actually took about a day to come to the surface (so to speak).
My father keeled over during his second heart attack while working his post-retirement hobby/job at a classic car lot. I was at the family house (which was the largest in the neighborhood, and looking back, I often wonder if people assumed we had more money than we really did - which was my father's goal, I think: to appear wealthy and successful as quickly and easily as possible) with my mom, it was a Saturday. My younger brother swears he was there as well, and perhaps he was (downstairs maybe?) but I can't for the life of me remember much other than being in the kitchen when my mom answered the phone and my dad's coworker explaining that he had collapsed and they had called the ambulance.
I can't remember either if they told her then that he was dead, but I remember that she got directions to a hospital in Edmonds, and I drove there. I remember (distantly) being confused and panicky, but also, much like the Roy siblings in the show, oddly concerned about what we were really being told.
Being told your dad is dead by a third party is disorienting, to be sure. To travel to the hospital and find him cold on a gurney is a sudden shock that I have never really processed. Watching a somewhat similar scene unfold on TV to some really terrible characters who, much like my own family (though for somewhat different reasons) are wholly unable to physically express emotion or comfort, really hit a damn nerve.
It's just picking at a scab, essentially, and I am nothing if not a mental scab-picker. It's weird when your family just wasn't all that close. We didn't do a lot of things together, as a unit, especially once we moved to Seattle from Southern California.

Leaves are falling.

While it's not as melodramatic as sawing off my own thrumb, or having a brain too big for my skull, over the weekend the gel in my eyeball has lost viscosity, and now it is a veritable snowglobe in my right eyeball. I've always had floaters, but this is something else: it's layered and makes for some horrible headaches given that I spend a major portion of my days typing into the big shiny screen all day, much less trying to read an actual page. Unfortunate. Not as bad as it could be, and apparently, according to the opthamologist "just part of the aging process - though it is a little early for you to be experiencing this much flux" apparently nothing I can fix, or stop doing to make it better. I blame the mainlining of certain powdery drugs for all physical maladies, and this is no different. Addnedum: It turned out, 5 days later, to be a detached retina, and only a quick detour on the way to work to the opthomologist followed by emergency surgery kept sight in my right eye. It's wonky, and having to keep your head parallel to the earth for 72 hours is not as easy as it might sound - and having a weird gas bubble in the eyeball as it refills with fluid is about as distracting as it sounds. It is a hell of a way to get 2 weeks away from work (though one week was me working from home, because I am nothing if not a masochist).

Found it.

You know, sometimes I do ridiculous things when I have spare time on my hands - today, because I have been just bingeing the shit out of De La Soul and when I see video of them, Plug2 always reminds me of Jon Loggins - the whole band does, of course. They just immediately send me back to DC in 1989/90 and being at Common Concerns with Jon doing the security and just generally doing his cool fishboney thing. So I tried a couple searches, but as per usual, like so many of our generation, we are vanished unless we reached legendary status. Anyway, FB brought me to once again read the chats we had been having those last couple years and I found the quote that I keep telling people about that really made me feel genuinely sorry for you, and also crystalized the understanding that there was no way you'd ever come back to where I knew you had once been. Do you remember writing this: If I'm responsible for my own happiness, then I'd rather die. Because what's weird - it's exactly what you did, I guess? I mean, I'm still not super clear about the crazy bitch you had managed to wrangle in that final round, but damnit. It really is the most accurate thing you've never meant to say. You said the inside part out loud, and it is exactly the battle that is the hardest. What even is the point of this?

Leaving breadcrumbs for myself....

Just gonna take a minute and post this missive I posted on my birthday 19 years ago, because the thing I often forget is that as bleak as shit seems (yep, I'm in the weeds again, and this time, being this old, the weeds are more physically intimidating than emotionally, plus I've left myself a few markers, a few breadcrumbs, a few reminders to keep fighting) it can get so much better, and you don't want to miss it, right? I mean the thing of it all seems to be that you just keep playing until the lights go out. Anyway, from the banner year of 2004: chefguy And yesterday? Yesterday made every moment of the last 6 monthes worth it. Not that all those moments have been horrible, but some of them have been pretty bleak, at least emotionally. But yesterday, it came together. I met the Arlie of local cooking...and we had lots in common - from a background in music, to the passion for food. It rocked my world so hard and so fast that i'm going to do what i haven't done since i was in college and approached my TA - i'm gonna seek this guy out, because he's got experience and understanding and talent, and i want that. how, when where, all of it. what an amazing, gratifiying thing to have happen. and even if it doesn't all come together, it was that same intense feeling of interacting with someone who's following their passion, who follows their heart, who's sensitive (which he even mentioned, along with the fact that he was single, not that he's advertising, mind you) and not afraid to put it out there. Yeah, that was good. Also, there's A, who made me a cd of SRV which was a sweet and thoughtful gesture. It's funny, because he makes me feel all mushy inside, like i'm 16 again - which is weird, but in the best weird way there is...anyway. that's a whole other thing, what with schedules, and work and...well you just don't know. But today - today i'm calling that restaraunt, and seeing if i can't get more time to pick ChefGuy's brain. b-day wish comes true! So then, imagine calling the Arlie of local cooking, and asking him if he'd be interested, in just, you know, hanging out and letting you pick his brain about Life, the Universe and Culinary stuff, and he says yes. Yes. BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! Seriously - i was walking way, way up in the air yesterday, as he is someone i can learn from who's been where i am, who's at a place i want to be. who's accepted he's sensitive, driven and yes - weird. He apologized for being a bit out of it ("I don't get out much"), but thanked me for calling. The idea of talking about food and cooking with someone who'd DOING it...man. I can barely contain myself and am trying to keep an even keel (i.e. not blow off A At Work (ooh, let's go with AAW), because friends are good. fun is good. life is....good. School is good, and i'm dying to get into the baking mod - it's going to be a long 2 weeks, this last bit in the classroom with management and budgeting, but all worth it. all of it. also, birthday wishes from Smitty (as always) and Mike (ditto) - funny the people who stay in your world. and the people who you think will be there forever, and vanish. nothing from the ex-smrge, which is to be expected, i suppose...but sad. he can't handle staying friends, which is a shame. i would have liked for it to be like MIke and i, but no. wish he'd just come out and say why. for real. instead of useless smack. but oh well. y'know? gonna go on, gonna make music in the kitchen baby... i wanna be like CG Pardon me while i gush (and yeah, i know the presidential election is near, and i should be railing, and the olympics are now, and it's good fodder for international amusement vs. the US, and i've discovered the crazy beauty of dave frigging matthews ((gawd, i'm old)) and the 'Nats are going on tour, but right now all i got is culinary stuff on the brain, so there you go): Chef Guy called, as promised - later than he'd planned, but it was because they had a late rush, and man, i could feel the adrenaline over the phone and it took my breath away - he even mentioned how amazing it was that he didn't forget, as usually when he gets going like that, it all falls away. That's a good thing, right? Yeah, I think so. Best part II: when he said that he'd cleared all of Monday for me - woohoo! and that right at that moment, he'd say yes to anything i'd ask (so i asked for a job, he chuckled, which is good - want to make sure that he knows i'm task-oriented, y'know? :)...man, subtle? riiiight. and did he need to bring anything other than himself? oh, HELL no. so we're meeting monday for coffee - tragically, it looked like it would be an all-evening affair (what with him clearing the day for me, and me wanting to spend as many minutes as possible basking in his presence), but then i remembered (thanks to K&K) that i have the ACF meeting, my first, at 6pm that night, and if i don't show, it wouldn't go well for me. Plus, CG totally understood ("You gotta do that, I did") so it'll be abbreviated (the meetup), but with luck it will go well enough that he'll want to meet up again. Yeah. Of course, my wheels are turning, and that's probably nuts, but what the hell, yeah? I feel like i'm meeting up with...well, yeah, someone who plays in a band i totally dig. Like the KevSecs(nee Arlie) of food. Or something. But that's the only way I can describe it at this point - and hell, i've never even heard his music (uh, eaten his food) but you can feel the passion in him (from him?) agh. ok, now i'm drooling. gonna let it go. but man, this sort of inspiration is just what i needed. also, therapist read me the riot act about "shoulds". You'd think, at this point, i'd let the shoulds go, but it's still hard for me to quell the critical guilt-driven voice that has held court in my squirrelly brain for so long. Anyway, i'm glad i'm working sunday, or the day would never pass. also, more fun with AAW, though last night he seemed quite upset that i hadn't clued him in to my birthday, and yet...no call. so i dunno where the hell that's at, but y'know, we'll see. school on monday is gonna FLY by, i'm sure. i hope. maybe CG would go to the ACF meeting...riiiight. he was great about that over the phone too - "it's...ok." heh. dig. dig. dig him.