Hi. So, last Saturday marked me being on this planet for 51 years. It also marked the day I found out an old friend from DC was stabbed to death in a small park in San Fernando, Ca. (RIP Fred.) It was also a day protesting Nazis inspired a member of their ranks to drive his car into counter protesters, killing a person. Killing a person. Killing a person for demonstrating how she feels. As with most terrorist killings, like so many before, people died doing simply what they believed they were allowed to do without fearing death: fly home from a city, go to school, go to church, go to a nightclub, go to work, go to a demonstration.
I have reached my limit with this bullshit, and honestly, am paralyzed by what to do about it. I live paycheck-to-paycheck in a world I care less and less about. My great fear is that the terrorists (all of them) are winning. I find myself among humans who I care less and less about (which in and of itself is terrifying), even in this "liberal bubble" of Seattle. It's liberal if you work at a technology firm. Or provide professional service to technology firms. But you are out of luck if you are a craftsperson, a tradesperson, or, heaven forbid; a service worker. The evil work of dividing us and fomenting hatred is devious and insidious and I feel like it's a toothache of the soul - you keep seeing this crap, hearing the hate. I hate the hate, and all it does is shrink my heart. I feel like the goddamn Grinch, except everyday is Xmas eve now.
The inequality has reached a point in this country where clearly something is going to give. Will it be a second civil war? What does civil war look like in 2017? Our first civil war killed more Americans than any other war in our history - how many will die this time? And for what? Plenty of other countries with longer histories than ours, built on much more stringent rules than ours, faced these questions. Now is our time. I can't even motivate myself to do my daily journaling anymore - so many people now are screaming into the internet, that it doesn't feel like my voice makes a dent here. Perhaps that is the point: stop screaming (or rambling on) into the void, and start communicating with people about things you care about. I find that when I do talk to actual humans in my life, the thoughts come tumbling out, sometimes random, sometimes flooding with rage and frustration. I am unsure how to use these emotions - which is depressing, because once upon a time writing gave me solace, and strength. Now, solace comes from hours in the park with my dog. Literally, that is the only time I feel at ease. Even now, writing this I can't even find the words to explain how disgusted I am by the racism displayed by people who call themselves American. It is simply not ok. The Confederacy lost. The Nazis lost. The same people who scream about how the "libtards" need to "shut up and accept that they lost the election" are screaming (and have been for years) about stupid status erected under false pretenses (who fucking builds monuments to failure? those status represent one thing: messaging to people that racists will not go quietly into the void. It's that simple) to begin with.
See, I have been uneasy with the confederate flag my entire life, and I was born and raised in California. Lived on the West Coast - except for a brief 5-year stint in WDC; and because of my chosen lifestyle (DIY punk rock, working in kitchens) I have always been surrounded by a melting pot of people; where there were certainly old racist folks (my grandparents were full of slanderous terms for Latinos and Asians) there was still an understanding that America was the Land of the Free, and ultimately, even if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you let them go ahead and do what they do: AS LONG AS THEY DON'T HURT OR KILL ANYONE WHILE DOING IT.
Remember the show "Dukes of Hazard"? God I hated that show. Even at nine years old, I knew to be embarrassed by those stupid backward hicks. Everyone bitches and moans about how "good ol' boys" are a solid piece of our history. Are they? I thought we fought a war about smashing those ass-backward ideas y'all. My parents were blue-collar raised, and though my dad ended up in a white collar job, he loved and cherished the country ranch lifestyle. My mother adored Glen Campbell and John Denver...and somehow I nurtured a seed of distaste for any of that "southern yahoo" bullshit. I believed all the hillbilly archetypes growing up - it wasn't until I moved back East where the Confederacy's legacy was palpable that I realized: the racism isn't in the accent, or the zipcode. It's in the idea that a small clutch of people (mostly White males, but plenty of the white females who mate with them) feel, to paraphrase Jon Stewart a few months ago: that they own America, that they know what's right, that they are the defenders of the country. Why are there Confederate monuments in Washington State? Why are schools named after failed Confederate Generals? The civil war was fought over slavery - it says so in the secession documents. The Union Army won. We are the United States of America. How about this, racists? How about YOU leave the country if you don't like it. Get on a goddamn boat or plane or whatever, just like your religious nutball forefathers did, and go find somewhere else to be - because America is THE melting pot. It's not easy to get along with people you disagree with, but it's part of the agreement you make being an American. I may not like you, but I'm not gonna kill you. I don't care if there is a Washington Monument, or a Lincoln or Jefferson one, to be honest. All I want are museums so that we can warehouse the relics from our past and marvel at how far we've come. Not live today whining about the "good ol' days". I have always been uncomfortable being reminded that White people held Black people as property, that White people killed the Native tribes who lived on this continent long before their pox-ridden ships showed up, that White people abused Chinese people and used them as indentured workers to build the railroad system that built fortunes for the rich White families who began to run this country of ours. White legislators interred Japanese Americans. What is "White" anyway? Italian, German, French, Irish, Scandinavian, Serbian, Spanish? White is a skin tone, it is not a damn heritage. Where you are from, regional differences are important, they are defining of your personality. They do not, however, entitle you to success, or superiority.
I have found some rays of hope though. Thanks to the internet, one of my favorite persons is helpfully weaning my intolerance for that shitty southern dialect:
(I encourage you to check out all his stuff, he's funny, smart, and a voice you don't hear much in this current state of America.)
I will work to stay focused on the difference between political beliefs versus human values/morals. The unfortunate fact is that while both sides are not equal in their tendency to violence (actual statistics prove this to be true - even a quick survey of the POTUS rallies, where people of color were beaten to cheers (from the president elect in most cases); while rallies featuring the "antifa" usually result in property damage and thrown bottles rather than hospital visits. Yes, yes, I know: what about the attack on those poor legislators in DC? It was a poorly planned attack, obviously. And to be blunt, for a change the targets weren't innocent people. They were people who have literally passed (or aided passing) laws that restrict civil rights for certain Americans, but that being said, they should be able to conduct practice for their annual baseball game without fear of gunfire. Though maybe, since the rest of us apparently have to go about our daily lives worrying about being killed by a random angry white guy with a gun ((again more often than not the bad guy is a single, white male)) maybe they should know how that feels as well). Trump is not my president. He is THE president, however, so he is accountable to all of us. He represents all of us. Pence too. The govenrment is made up of three branches for a reason, and we are seeing that reason in full color right now. Participate. Listen to people, think before you type, before you like, before you call names. Then, if you are sure of your beliefs, say it loud, say it proud.
Racism is not ok. We are all created equal, the founding fathers had the theory right, even if they hadn't perfected it yet. Let's be the democratic experiment that fucking works. Not another chapter of xenophobic paranoia.
Please. I have a puggle to raise in this world, and I want her to keep trusting humans
