Bring on 2014

2013 is going out just like it came in: kicking & screaming and full of last-minute wonders and dissappoints. Entering this new one again, like I do, hopeful that i can make the changes i need to, and keep my head in the game.

winter is here

Yeah, it's been a rough couple of weeks. Not settling in as well as I would like in the new gig. Sometimes, my ability to do it all actually can work against me - I've been wedged into less baking and more prep, and then this last week and a half, a station I just....hate. With all my heart and soul - I hate deep fryers. I mean, the good news is (I think) that I don't have to clean them. The bad news is, I have to fry stuff. And work brunch service. Making fried chicken, french fries, and, ostensibly, doughnuts.
Argh. This is what happens when you take a stand on something. About 6 years ago (post-Lantana) I made a promise to myself I would not do this. But, desperate for a paycheck and listening to the cooing sounds of a very sweet chef, I went ahead and let this new place slot me in where they need me most.
The problem remains: I am not 19. Every day that I can work is a gift, and I absolutely do not want to spend it frying shit (much less noshing on fries). Plus: brunch. Fuck that. I should not have left 'zino so quickly. Once again, I got too full of myself and put myself in a precarious position. On top of that, financially, and as usual right at xmas, i am fucked. i am in a deep dark hole money-wise and really don't have a lot of options. Will sell the car, but that isn't worth much, really all it will be good for is to keep me from having to pay to store it.
Yeah, bah, humbug. Dark times. There was a brief flash in october/november, but it's fizzled. I'm also sick again with whatever lingering bronchial infection i apparently carry all year.
Ugh. More later. What I need (ok, want), is about 4 straight shots of Jamie's a Pabst tall boy, & Dewie:

What I will have? Benadryl & getting up at 5am to be at work at 6am on a Sunday. SMH.

another chapter ends...

Last week I gave up. I typically will be stubborn as possible in these work situations, but this time, I just let go. Almost two years of keeping my head up, allowing for all the drama and fuck ups and chaos and malaise. Watching an awesome guy and talented chef transform into a dejected, angry guy. Watching amazing food go unnoticed by the owners, by the staff - luckily, our guests enjoyed it, and they let me know - which is probably why I survived there so long. I like kudos. I love to make people go "wow", it's just a thing with me.
So, when the owners let the chef go, and didn't tell me, didn't offer me the position, a pay increase, nothing, I was chagrined, to say the least. When I pushed the point of a pay increase and they avoided me, waffled and did a little dog and pony show, i realized i simply had no desire to work for them anymore. I love that restaurant, and I am crushed I won't see it succeed, but I had no choice in the self-respect area; I had to leave. I will miss the variety, the creativity and autonomy I enjoyed - but i won't miss the sketchiness of payday, the constant battle for coherent leadership, the pests riddling the restaurant. I won't miss the water leaking on the floor, or the broken tools. I will miss my pantry protoge, U, who I have become (as per usual) quite fond of, and I will miss having a place where friends, family, and favorite guests can visit me. I will lose a whole swath of people in this transition - but I can't keep limping along, demoralized in front of them all.
I flirted with another pastry position; applied, demoed some food, and was rebuffed. I know it wasn't my finest work (there are a few reasons why, but ultimately, it's the WHY wasn't it my finest work, when i needed it to absolutely be that, right then that will hound me. Sadly, I could barely afford to make what I did make, I have so poorly planned this little unpaid break) and so there is no surprise when I didn't hear back from him yesterday as planned. It's ok though, I have accepted a baking job, working with Scrap's old chauffeur, making buns, breads, doughs, desserts, and pretzels, loads and loads of pretzels.
So if you need me, I'll be on the Hill, doing that. In the daytime - which should knock my whole body into another state - no more vampire hours, no more drinking heavily at the end of every night, no more binge eating at 2 in the morning. who knows, maybe i can even rope myself back into daily meditation practice. However it turns out, as of 7am on Sunday morning, a new chapter begins....again.

story of my life...

though, i'd be lying if i said this wasn't on my mind...

so.good. always. stray or not, i am...in.

Watching old videos and stuff of older punk rock bands (that is, bands that were playing when we were) makes me realize this horrible thing: we didn't suck as much as I thought we did.
How much of a difference would it have made if I had believed as much in my band then as I do now in my bread pudding, my cheesecake, my fucking pizza, mustard, pickles, pate or whatever it is I FEED PEOPLE?
Yeah, that fucking hurts. I'm watching this again, through older eyes (again) and realizing that not only was I not as ugly as I thought I was, but....well, I didn't suck as much as I thought I did. I let those horrible, horrible scenester Rrrriot Grrls make me feel small. I let them do that. I didn't suck, and really, there was not a girl in a band like I was, when I was. So, I did what I could. I looked like I felt. I did what I did. Still doing that today. Just wish I'd figured this all out sooner. Kudos for kids who figure shit out early and don't addle their brains with questionable substances (still waiting for the nephews to ask those questions).
Go team.

chuck says

Arrrsenaaaaaaal...

My beloved footy team is off to an amazing start this season - the best ever in the 5 years I've been following them (holy shit, 5 years??? how can it have been that long already?) and it's really exciting. All the things I have heard this team can be, the glimmers of it I have seen over the years, the drama that has unfolded especially in the last two (since Rambo was injured) it's all coming good now. We are undefeated in 9 now (PL games) have qualified and are gonna do battle with Dortmund* on Tuesday in Champs league action (which is also pretty amazing)  and are currently top of the league - I've led a couple of my fantasy leagues already (without playing a single Stoke Orc or nasty evil Spur - who dropped a lot of cash - it's almost like trying to avoid playing a City player at this point) and am second in my Arsenal sponsor's team*, so that's exciting. As much as I'm curious to know how it feels to have your team win the championship (though I suspect it will be more like the first time I heard Bad Religion on the radio: exhilarating for a nanosecond while you realize "holy shit, I love this band!" and then the crushing realization you have become The Mainstream; I'm also curious to see Theo and Bacary get the payoff they deserve for continuing to persevere in what surely was an onslaught of offers to go to other clubs, and they have remained. Bac is my absolute favorite player ever, and Theo has come to encapsulate the British footy ideal for me - he's just such a nice, good guy. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but clearly an honest player.
*update: as of this week i'm leading the league, and we lost to Dortmund. I forgot to hit "publish" on this post last week. ah well. still loving this season.

and by that i mean...

Just been that sort of month. Fall is here though. I like Fall.

rinse and repeat

Halfway there. Well, three-quarters by this measure I suppose....

Memo to self

I wish i could take a picture of the way the ocean smells - that's gonna be my holy grail photo challenge. I am a lucky lady to be able to work in a kitchen where when we open the front door at night, the beautiful sea air wafts in. Not quite an old ice warehouse with huge east-facing windows, but still....pretty awesome. Working on keeping my head up now, as i am in year two at the 'zino, and...its ok, but could be better...

sunday

i got nothin'

sometimes...

what happens, is that you don't see what is happening. If you are me, you generally don't see it (because you are so wound up in the moment, you have no other perspective) and so things happen, and they are ok, and they are not. Me, I'm actually ok. I live my life the way I want right now, and TBH I can't complain about it. My job gives me the autonomy I desire, and my personal life requires only the minimal of upkeep, and, truth be told, I'm ok, for the first time in...FOREVER with that. I love my living space. My job is what I love and the peeople I work with I dig SO MUCH. I wish my schedule was a little different so i could spend more good time with my family, but that might work itself out in a while. the reality is, that my heart is scarred, and i move forward, because that is all i can do. so i....do.

sometimes this feels like everyday

it's back on!

We qualified for Champs league, and then a last minute miracle transfer brings the single best midfielder in the world to Arsenal. Giroud and Theo must be like kids waiting for Christmas Day right now. Plus, we bought another keeper, 2nd best in Italy, so...yeah, gonna be a fun season I think. I hope. The team seem more team-like than i've ever seen them, and Poldi, Pez & Ozil are already pals! woohoo!

Buddy Guy "Damn Right, I've Got the Blues" on Guitar Center Sessions

SG was able to get me backstage today to Superchunk - and all I can think about right now, is this. That's how my damn head is right now.

dream a little dream

Another week. The little brother's life just went into a tailspin as his stupid wife decided that her marriage was inconvenient. And that apparently, the only things she and he had in common was their son. Yeah. That's another point for the emotionally damaged, one more loss for Love.
Meanwhile, 'zino is on fire with a prohibitionist New Busguy, which leaves me a bit emotionally disturbed and not feeling much love for my former partner in fermenting, etc. But, gotta do what I gotta do.
Finally, just wanted to note that the less I drink the more i dream (duh) and last night was an epic dream where i was part of a football ramble (which i'm sure i fell asleep listening to, as i tend to these days) but i dreamed they were videotaping it, they all had families, and the plot outline was a big picnic that they had invited me to. It included their wives being nice to me, Bacary's wife appearing outta nowhere, me following the guys from room to room, them being a little less rough than they look in pictures, great british (?) food, and the end scene, as they wrapped the episode, i got to get all intense with Marcus, of course. Brilliant all the way around. If only i could convince my brain to not drink more often.

Summer heats up.

Firstly, Hempfest, you are a bad idea on fire. I'm all for legal pot, but a three-day excuse to sell tie-dye, eat fried food and listen to jam bands? On the waterfront? In August? Isn't that what one goes to the County Fair for? Plus, you hippies are jacking the parking in belltown up, and when you wander into my restaurant blazed outta your pea-brains, you realize you only have enough money left for meatballs (or prosciutto and fruit) and splitting a beer - get out and make room for the real diners. Argh.
Anyway, things are jumping with the new owners, which is great to see; though we have had our first major dustup as New Busguy (he's not so new now) made a colossal mistake in judgement and threw the entire staff under the bus - it appears our new owners are understanding (that is, they can't replace all of us at once) but he has severely damaged the morale and his own status at the restaurant. More details to follow, but I have to hand it to the 'zino, it never, ever fails to amaze and amuse.
Oh, and it's opening day in the PL and my beloved Arsenal were demolished by....Aston Villa. I dunno what it is about Villa, but they really know how to work us over. We scored early, and then....a series of horrendous calls from the officials, some horrible tackles (leaving us with all the injuries we really can't afford at this point since we have bought NO ONE), and boom, we lose the first game of the season. It doesn't look good at all. This is going to be a tough one. Though thanks to the official site, i can now listen live to the matches for free, but dammit, we need some help. COYG!

what's good

http://youtu.be/YeZK9Y9HH3k

missing in action

i've been writing, but not posting here. things i used to be ok with sharing aren't...so much, now. the restaurant is going through big changes, and as i've stepped up into an actual sous position, i find myself emulating my chef (My Chef, not the current that i work for, CM) more and more. the great food, amazing ideas (i frigging spitballed a take on carolina bbq that i didn't even know i had in me. turns out, i read a lot, and taste, a lot) and even to the point of making pates. (Though, i still am not done with it - so many tweaks i want to make) but, i'm also emulating a lot of the emo stuff he put me through - with my line cooks. one in particular, who doesn't have any passion, much less technique. he doesn't (in my mind) try. He slams things, bangs things, whistles in the kitchen (why does that drive me so batshit? would i prefer bryan adams' windmills?), still, after 3 months, doesn't understand how to read, much less fire a ticket, and for the love of all things kevinseconds, can barely boil water without a prompt. still, it in no way excuses the shit i give him, nor my being enabled by my adoring (yeah, clearly they're all crazy too) serving staff; who have been seeing to it that i remain, if nothing else, satiated during service in an effort to keep me....less angry.
but, like My Chef, i have a switch, and last night it flipped. i was unprofessional on the line, and CM called me out on it, and I apologized to him for being flip, but not to Monkeynuts because....because I find it hard to speak to him at all. I know he must feel confused and wonder why i hate him so much, what he's doing wrong (again)....i remember feeling that pressure. but then, i remember that i love this, i care about this, this job that i've chosen will keep me at the poverty line for the rest of my life. i won't ever own a house, a new car, anything. i won't ever have things, becuase i made this silly choice to do what i love so late in life. so when i get angry at a stupid shit who is only cooking because he can't be bothered to do anything else...it becomes so personal to me. i wish i could let that part go. anyway, more later, maybe. i gotta go.
also got a quick message from the Stray last night: sent me a link to IFHY by Tyler. Yeah, that stings.

Birthday dinner at johann's family's farm

Sheep, tomatoes, lamb, wine, volleyball, nephews, brothers, old couples, new couples, religion, fruit, chickens, eggs, ice cream, kumbocha, bonney lake, chance (not chase) jewelry store, chipper's, etc.
I was invited to NewBusguy's family home for his birthday. All these things happened. It was lovely and heartbreaking, like all family events are. So many odd memories, so many similar paths, and yet soooo, very different.
Humans freak me the fuck out.

thursday is monday

sounds of summer

bottled bing cherry kombucha tonight. i think it's my favorite so far....it's also almost time for footy. It's still a bit early yet, but late into the transfer season, and it looks as if it will be the Bi-Polar-ist of all bipolars this year for my Gunners. We might sign a bitey (but gifted on the pitch) Uruguayan, we might sign a guy with new hair, we might sign a french dude (oh, wait, we did that; we might sign multiple french dudes) we might just wait for the baby Jesus (Jack) to get back to regular training.
Who the hell knows?
What is interesting to me, ultimately, and as usual, is the journey. I am now five years into following the Arsenal. Not much for those who were born into it (Like the folk @tuesdayclub or @footballramble) but I was reminded by my sensi (if you will) in an email, of those golden moments spent at the hot dog cart as he regaled me with tales of the Gunners, and of not watching the matches until he got home; of the personalities, of the history. Then we started going to watch matches together, and commiserating  after. So many long talks in 2010, watching my first entire World Cup as a Gunner. Watching matches all over SF with Tommy, watching them online, all the time. It's been a rough year, this last one, post-RVP, but here's hoping we come of age this year. That Theo fullfils his promise. That Ramsey kills all the Giant Orcs (from Stoke), that Jack becomes the King we hope for. That Louis scores a shit ton before he lops someone's head off and drinks the blood. Let's hope.

the answer has been in front of us the whole time

and texas too, dammit.

july already....

so many feels for this song.
also how hilariously retro is this video. adorable.

the truth is in the meme

breezy knows what's good

aannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, here i am again.

i had no idea how appropriate this band was for what was happening. just shows how out of step i had become. it all makes so much more sense, and i feel like an idiot for not picking up on it.

summer doldrums.

I am not gonna lie. I miss the Ramble something fierce. I have been just listening to them over, and over and over - the whole catalog. On my phone. I don't even have room for music at this point. I just keep downloading and listening to Rambles.
When I was in college, my boyfriend (the very first serious-y one) had a habit of falling asleep to talk radio - particularly a high-range AM station from SF. The host was a blazing liberal, and he stayed in that slot for years - I would always delight in being able to tune into KGO and check out Ray on the overnight slot. We listened to him a lot when we'd be driving, speed-enhanced to Seattle (we'd make it literally an 11-hour trip from NorCal).
I just mention it because, since Ray left his spot at KGO, I haven't found much I can drift off to (and for those of us in the industry, it's either drifting off to sleep or passing out, and I am getting a bit old for that physical pain) - but seriously, the Ramble guys? Je te adore, or whatever the french term is for I LOVE THESE GUYS. Yeah, one's a Gooner, but still. So good. Summer needs to end  because I miss Marcus, Pete, Lukey, & Jim or James :) I miss my bi-polar Gunners as well, but that goes without saying. Also: still waiting for a signing. Please can we not wait until 15 minutes before the season opener again Arsene?

Strike 2

I hadn't expected to actually see the Stray walk in again - but when he did it was so sweet and so warm...and then later...it wasn't. And instead of telling him how much i love him and care and all the rest - instead, i...reverted to form. Thought i'd made so much progress. Argh. Don't think I'll get another chance to...fix it, I guess. I suspect it's not fixable anyway.

intermission

i have this pal. he lives in Berlin now, Rome when I met him, and is from Croatia. He booked parts of both our Euro tours - the italian bits, and the slovenian/croat/serbian bits. i am crazy about him. and now? now, i'm helping him edit his first novel, and could NOT be more happy. He. Is. Awesome. #adam

evol

I typically try and avoid difficult things as long as i can. Sometimes, the difficulty is all imagined in my dark, twisty brain; and sometimes it's genuinely hard work that requires effort. Lately, my dodging of the saute bullet has been harder and harder. First off, I mastered and owned pantry pretty immediately, and the only thing keeping me from running a real pastry program right now is an actual lack of dishes to serve things on, and, of course enough hours in every day to get everything done. However, we lost two saute cooks in the space of 2 weeks. One we knew was going to leave, the other bailed without any warning (except for the couple of weeks in a row when we didn't get paid on time, and all the overtime he was looking at because of the other guy leaving). So when Chef asked me last night to bite the bullet and take the station when yet another stage didn't show up, I did.
I know I can cook. Well, even. It's what I love - I take it seriously, and want it to be amazing. I know, with enough practice, i can multi-task on the hotline to get proteins and sauces and the landings done - if I can juggle desserts and pantry, i can certainly do that, given a few times at the wheel, enough practice to get a rhythm. Also, with us bringing in new people, it's better for the continuity of the restaurant for me to step up, rather than aside, which was what I was trying to do, because it worked so well with Dewie that way. So, last night, I officially stepped up to the plate (hah, a pun), and didn't suck too hard at it. I had already been picking up the octopus and stuff (getting alot of kudos from guests on that dish in particular), and have certainly done risottos for Dewie, and started the proteins for him as well -  last nght I picked up the market fish, the chop (sorta), a shit ton of chicken piccata, and even the lovely branzino itself, which, even if I do say so myself, looked epic. lucked out on my first grillmarks. though, truth be told, i had an affinity for that back at pangea.
I have a talent for this - it's the physical toll that's actually kicking my ass right now. Trying to find a way to deal with that snag is the hardest part of all this. I like how it felt last night at the end of the night, and being able to send Chef home early was great. Hopefully, I'll only need to fill that roll a couple nights a week and go from there, though i suppose if Smitty works out well enough, i can teach him more actual cooking/prep stuff. hopefully. though with my luck he'll land a job in finance tomorrow.
also, i should probably look into starting to butcher the fish too - haven't done that in a dog's age, but am kinda up for it now.

take me back to paradise city

This was unearthed a bit ago, and is probably Agent86, during my tenure ('cause, you know, they're still alive & kicking in Vegas) at it's peak, sound-wise (ok, there was the incarnation with Flame & SMRGE; but all the bile that remembering them brings now makes it hard to look fondly on, but it was a blazing 4-piece line-up). Billy on drums, the king of the double-kick pedal. Though, by the looks of me, I was well into living my glam-punk-rawk ethos full throttle. That is to say, hammered beyond belief, the start of a mighty long hangover...Hard to watch me barely moving onstage, no wonder the Riot Girls got so pissy with me. Anyway, I offer this little glimpse into my black heart; and also: look. at. that. hair.

xoxo.

“It’s not your life, it’s life. Life is bigger than you. Life isn’t something that you possess, it’s something that you take part in and you witness.”
- Louis C.K.

bright light/update

Summer seems to have arrived early - clear blue skies, pushing 70 degrees - my city shines on these days - mindless building and road demolishing notwithstanding. The rollercoaster has been doing some swoopy, spinny, jerky things of late - almost all restaurant related (because it is the center of my world at this point). Time with the nephews was lovely, but coming back to find another crew member had bailed was disappointing, and also means that we have been doing the training-in dance for well over two weeks now. It hasn't been going as well as previous times. Though I did bring in my old pal Smitty, and that's been fun, but he's neither permanent, nor a lifer like me. But, it's a nice breath of fresh air for a bit. Meanwhile. I did bail on the stage at the fancy new place. To be honest, I'm just not in the right frame of mind to tackle a postion like that again - opening a high-visibility restaurant with a name chef: more than I can stomach. Thus, I'm all-in at the 'zino, though i did have an interesting chat with a headhunter (hadn't heard that term since my dad died) about potential jobs, and now I'm on his list, so who knows? Anyway, just trying to keep an even keel and get stuff done. Romance has been snuffed out a couple of times now, and I'm ok with it. The path of least resistance and all that. Miss the Stray though, especially on the warm nights walking home. But, y'know, it's typical. It's my normal now.
Hibiscus and orange sorbet and a cookie tonight - still deciding on the cookie. Did apple crostadas (some amazing honeycrisp still coming in - go Washington!) with pecans and Pt. Reyes Blue - a bit poncy, but fun to offer a little rif on apple pie with cheddar cheese. Sold a few. Yeah.
Also, many kudos for the food lately - CM and I are on target, and as I start picking up more of the saute stuff, things will be better too. Had a guy come to the pass to tell us the octopus was the best he'd ever had (he was from Italy, he and his wife) and it turned out it was one of the tickets I fired. Stoked! Yeah. As trying as things get, and as lonely as it can be being me sometimes, I am still very happy that I chose to do what I love for a living. Reading entries I wrote this time last year has actually been really helpful in reminding myself how resilient I am, and that strength carries me through to the next little bit of awesome that is around the corner....somewhere.

communing with the little people

Specifically, my nephews. Going north to spend the rest of the week babysitting my nephews and visiting my mom - just as i'm getting rid of either a massive case of tonislitis that turned to bronchitis OR a return of the walking pneumonia. Don't know either way as I can't afford a doctor. Anyway, looking forward to a change in scenery, and day-to-day routine, and a break from the kitchen drama, although after last night, it is gettting pretty damn intense/loony. Part of me almost feels like bailing on the stage i have planned on the 21st, but knows i'll regret it if i don't go - because remember when i bailed on the stage at Ad-Hoc? Yeah. So, anyway, off I go to do some kid-wrangling, here's hoping i don't have to emotionally smack the oldest one into place again.
The little one is a doll though.

delerium

Argh, been down for the count my entire weekend (the last potential free 3-day-in-a-row one for the foreseeable future, as I'm nephew-sitting next week) with tonsillitis - which oddly, used to happen way more often; but in the last year or two, hadn't been much of an issue. However, I gave into the sunny weather and walked home the other night without a hat, and bam! Infection City. Nursing myself back to non-feverishness by drinking copious amounts of tea, water, and juice. A few glasses of kombucha, but until I'm sure the tonsils are no longer at risk, it's probably best not to be drinking live cultures. All sorts of expectorating (tmi? hah.) 3-Day Soup and Toast diet as well. Yay. Missed this week's wine tasting, which came one week after the last one (trying to get back on Fair's schedule, apparently) - and so I'm probably in the doghouse, but I had to not risk infecting everyone and making my health any worse too. Besides, last time was merlots, which i'm far too familiar with (but man we killed it on the food) and this week was sangiovese, which would have been fun, but not as interesting as other wines might have been.
Anyway. Change is on the horizon (I guess it always is, it's just sometimes you know when to expect it, and other times, it just slams into you, leaving your passenger-side mirror on the ground. yeah, that's a thing that happened last week as well....) - Dewie is leaving the 'zino, and after a pretty major paycheck fiasco, I'm actively looking. I don't want to jinx anything, but I scored an exciting interview (thus the .gif above) for a new gig at a new restaurant opening in June. Yeah, here I go again. But, this is the 4th for a group who have been really successful, and I've heard nothing but great things about the primary characters, so I'm meeting with the executive chef tomorrow before I go into work. Here's hoping it goes well - I need to grow, and it's not going to happen in a place so hobbled by poor management as 'zino currently is.
Additionally, the ex-smrge thing isn't so raw - it was just rough there for a bit, chef going on his honeymoon, dewie breaking up with his wife, Fair in a crazy mixed-use relationship, J planning his wedding, C&D in their usual battle dance, Cando breaking up with her 4-mos-uber-boyfriend, Xtina breaking off her engagement....and everyone, for whatever reason, thinking I, of all people have some sort of wisdom about relationships.
Hilarious. ok, so tune in to see where i land next. if anything, it means a new cast of characters, and a longer bus ride to work - and how great and entertaining will that be? BusBlogging here i come!!

battling

...a lot of bitterness about last year right now. I know it's pointless, and that's probably why I'm so aggravated - but dammit. I'm really having a major PTSD issue with my exhusband's bullshit from LAST YEAR. Ridiculous, I know, and I'm on my meds, so it shouldn't be this big a deal, but it just seems to keep coming up, because everyone seems to be asking me for couples advice and all I can think of is: DO NOT FALL FOR IT. IT IS A LIE,.NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT IT TO BE TRUE.
Which, admittedly, blows. Because I believed. Twice. And got left, twice. And then to have me fuck up a seemingly new loving relationship due to my own paranoia (OH, THANKS AGAIN, EXSMRGE) just makes shit worse. I'm so goddamn broken. Sad.

bionic heeler

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2315616/The-bionic-dog-Mixed-breed-Nakio-lost-paws-frostbite-finally-walk-fitted-prosthetic-limbs.html

paddling, just keep paddling

tastemakers

Our little wine group is turning into a great bi-weekly gathering of friends. Last night was the cab sauvignon round, and we had upped the ante - 6 bottles on the table, with a pretty solid spectrum of prices and locales (california, washington, france). It was also the first edition in NBG's new place, and the last before his fiancee arrives from Texas next week. Favorite Expo brought food, Fair brought wine and his new lady (who I had met several times already), I trundled in wine and a quick asian salad, plus some cheese, and BikeBuilder brought not only a bottle from his father's winery, but also a supermarket standby as well. There was guitar playing (both Expo and Bike play beautifully, flipping from spanish classical to Death Cab easily), cardgames (I must remember to bring the Sopio deck next time) and as always, a ton of laughter and genuine wine talk. It's nice to have a group of people to hang out with that isn't completely wound up in each other's business (though a few of us are from the restaurant) - and as always, eating and drinking around a table with  people is really one of the best ways to spend any evening.

Dinner with Justin @Bar Sajor. Great company (tea at my place after) and good, but not amazing, food. Ah well. Details to follow.

I don't quote Henry much, but when I do...

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”

― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

hocus-pocus holiday

“I don’t know any perfect people - only really really flawed people who are still worth loving.”

—

John Green In additional news, my first batch of kombucha is about ready to bottle, and I'm excited to see how much it ends up fizzing, plus trying to decide on if/what to flavor it beyond just the basic starter teas....need to buy more of the lemonade in the flip-top bottles so that I have enough containers. Also, must get another gallon-size jar. Yeah.

more help

saturday match results

....i haven't been the best Arsenal supporter this season - media impaired for the first half, personal drama midway through, coupled with some of the worst performances we've had even in the few short years I've been following. However, as per usual with us now, the pressure is on, we have dropped out of all other competitions, so apparently now the race is on to make it to 4th, to get into Champs League play again next season.
There's much to say about how sad that is, that it'd be nice to not have this Groundhog Day feeling every March (I'm dreading already the usual whining and forecasting that will only lead to one or more of our tenured players ((it's clear my personal favorite, Bac will be leaving in the summer)) abandoning us, and a herd of young, untried ((and, yeah, most likely French)) players to come in, and then we do the whole thing over again. Bah) but mostly, I'd just like to take a hot second and wish Theo a happy birthday, and enjoy the fact that we beat Swansea today, which I'm pretty sure many gooners weren't sure was going to happen. Nine more games for my bipolar footy boys, here's hoping we can make this run-in spectacular!

Inter...mission

Haven't been writing here much because I've been focusing on more doing - and gettting a good ass-kicking while Suse was in town definitely helped. We logged a lot of miles in two days, Pike Place Market & the Athenian for snacks and catching up, dinner at 'zino, visit to the Space Needle and riding the Monorail. Stops at art galleries, checked out the ECCC (comic con) a bit, had sushi at my favorite, Hana, strolled the Hill (a bit) visiting the Unicorn, Von Trapp (the Driver's new gig), Ba Bar (Fair's old place, where Brock treated us well), and then hiked to the ID, where I introduced her to the wonders of Uyajimaya, and then a Sounders evening in my 'hood, ducking in to the Merchant and the Collins. Too short but good times and plenty of plans for next time - most importantly a visit to the new restaurant on Occidental that hopefully Tiff's brother and I will get to in the coming week.
Oh, Tiff's brother. Such a delight. His last night as expo was yesterday and it was hard to see him go. As much as we are all stoked that he found a real (awesome) job, we will miss his wit and charm on that side of the pass. Yeah.
Tuesday in the next edition of the wine tasting, and I'm gonna head over early to help NBJ cook and make kumbocha (he says he's got a scobie ready for me; totally stoked) and then we are doing pinot gris (which will be good, as i rarely drink whites in general) with an all-star line-up: Me, Fair, Christina, Tiff's brother, Felix and NBJ. Gonna be a spirited (hah! see what i did there?) conversation, definitely.
Mostly though, what has been happening is that I'm not coming home drunk and spewing anger and frustration onto this blog. I am travelling lighter, being more present, taking better care of myself and am headed back in the direction I should be. Trying to change old habits is hard, but definitely worth it.

admission

I, after years of not even giving a rat's ass about the band he was in, much less his "LATER" solo career, have to admit to an affection for JT. Dude is funny, and on SNL, which a) isn't easy these days and b) wasn't easy to begin with....and he can and does sing and dance. In a really MJ way; the way that appeals to my mom and me, and probably, weirdly: to my oldest nephew. He's hot, funny, smart, ironic, sacrastic, laughs at himself and, ideally along with those who are his peers.Dammit. How did this happen? #JTispunkrock?

also...this.

you just never know what the Life is going to bring you - keeping my head up is hard work sometimes, but always, always, always worth it.

I meant it then, and i mean it now, listen.

Travelin' lighter...

seriously, this is for that guy, who came home to me.

Incoming

My buddy Suse is headed to town this weekend. It's also Emerald City Comic Con - ironically when I arranged to have my first weekend in 6 months off I had no idea it would be the same week I might actually get to go to a con. However, since I'm not sure Suse is into the geek think like I am, I suspect we'll be doing more food & hikey things...definitely Pike Place Market, Pioneer Square, and I think probably a trip out to West Seattle for Lincoln Park (she's an avid swimmer so I think she'd dig seeing the saltwater pool, as well as just the general awesome of West Seattle and Alkai)...but am still trying to figure out what to do in the 48 hours she's here. Certainly a visit to the 'zino as well, though brief (originally, i thought i wasn't going to get the Friday off, and so initially i was gonna try and pull a Bain and see if she'd want to trail/hangout/eat during my shift, but now it looks like we can just do a bit of a downtown stroll) as I don't want it to devolve into the usual Friday evening hijinks.
And, I think I will forego the usual drive to the airport and use the fancy LightRail that I voted for a decade a go, just for the hell of it - and even though it will add 45 minutes to the overall trip, it should be entertaining for Suse and I, since she is a BART veteran and I as always can't wait to see what the Masters Of Metro have created and called "light rail" oh, the trains that only go one place. Europeans have every right to laugh at us and our shitty ability to transport ourselves efficiently. However, the station is literally steps from my door, so it would be crazy not to take it. At least this once. I'll drive on Sunday, when parking is free at work and stuff.
Looking forward to seeing her though, and hoping the weather will be at least somewhat mellow. Might also meet up with the Driver for a drink on the Hill Saturday evening, which would be fun too. Anyway, exciting to have actual days off that others have as well - had to cancel today's dinner date with Tiff's brother because his new job finally kicked in, and now he will be trapped on the Eastside in that IT gig, so it's doubtful our schedules will collide again, except for the weekends he might still pick up at the restaurant.

Now more than ever.

I'm not kidding. This is electric, and real. This is what people are.
Also, she plays an SG: pure gold.

Flight

So, one of my favorite things about my apartment is the view; and though it isn't the spectacular Sound View that the other side of the building has, it is of a unique downtown skyscape that includes the Smith Tower, the Seattle Public Library,The Columbia Tower, the County Courthouse and Prefontaine Place, among others. It also allows for amazing seagull watching. I have, of late, become somewhat mesmerized by watching them fly, and more often, glide on the updrafts and wind currents that these buildings so close to the ocean provide.
It is Jonathan Livingston Seagull come to life - these birds genuinely appear to be enjoying flight, circling far above the ground, chasing each other, soaring low, then swooping up on an updraft without flapping a wing, merely tilting the edges up or down. Up on the 12th floor, it's high enough that i can watch them sweep over the park for tasty food dropped by harried court employees at lunch in City Hall Park (or the assortment on homeless locals), and I can watch them zip up to the upper rooftops of the bigger buildings, but what I find most entertaining is the leisurely soaring in long, lazy circles in the fading afternoon sunlight. Seagull TV, my new favorite show.
It also brings to mind the stories you'd read (not as often anymore it seems) of inner-city (NYC, mostly) residents who keep pigeons, homing pigeons, and the delight they felt from watching the birds fly through the city, experiencing a freedom within the concrete canyons that we can, as bipeds, only dream about. And, of course, more than ever, appreciate the beauty within the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull - to observe these birds in flight (not being the mangy french-fry beggars they can be at the waterfront) is to see animals doing what they are meant to do - and seemingly, like sea otters who seem to swim carefree and passionately, enjoying what they do. It is comforting to see nature reveal itself in that way, in such an urban setting, in my not-so-humble opinion.

New faces, old standards.

It was a bit of an ordeal (the punkrocksoccermom car's battery was dead upon arriving at the garage to pick it up - thankfully one on the nicer garage dudes helped me jump it), but I arrived almost on time to Newbusguy's house for the second edition of wine tastings that he is arranging throughout the year. He had mentioned not being much of a drinker, but as he is interested in becoming a better server, he felt like knowing more about wines would help. I suggested he do what I was lucky enough to do when I was first getting my toes wet in the culinary world - sit down with some friends and a couple bottles of the same style of wine (or in my case it was cheeses) and taste them, comparing what each person tastes, notices, and experiences. He jumped on the idea, and so the second installment was last night.
The first edition was a bit more of a rollicking affair as there were as many bottles of malbec as people (6); but it was still educational, and brought a variety of people to the table - NBG keeps it to just 6 people at a time, which is manageable but still good variety. This week only myself and one other guest (she works at our sister restaurant, and is about to move to the wilds of Corvalis to finish her degree) were repeat attendees, and i was drawn because we were set to taste cab francs, one of my favorite style of wines. Also at the table were two people who worked in social media (interestingly, both were journalism majors like myself, but didn't refer to journalism as a vocation until pressed) and an ecologist/botanist who would be leaving for Patagonia in a couple weeks to study the density of hardwood trees there. She had written a grant proposal and gotten it funded - fascinating stuff. I mention this at all, because lately, i get caught up in trivial nonsense and often forget that We all have a huge universe of interesting people moving through our lives. Not all will be our pals, but its good to meet people, and so good, as I learned while living with K2; that eating and drinking together is healthy, important, and most of all, far more enjoyable than sport drinking. Everyone also brought some sort of food - which mean there were dolmas, gazpacho, fresh fruit, great cheese, crackers, a cassarole, olives, and yes, chocolate. A lovely night, and looking forward to seeing who comes to the table next time around.

Yep.

It still hurts. And i still miss him. And i know it's my own fault. Sometimes, I forget for a minute; but then in a flash, this white-hot scorching realization of how low I sank, how hurtful and vengeful I can be, sears my heart. Walking to the bus stop, retracing so many steps...losing a friend in a way I've never ever experienced before. There is no debate on the point. I made a bad choice. I took the low road, and I an so full of regret. So amazingly sorry, and fully aware there is no way to ever regain that friendship.

In the moment

Not looking forward to this day at all. Battling to keep thoughts from last year at bay. Spent last two days with some of my favorite guys, which is great, they take good care of me.
Last year the dessert of the day was a gooey, over-the-top cupcake, which was entirely appropriate for my state of mind.
This year, dessert is again reflective of my personal situation, and thus, the plate is this:
A strawberry-champagne terrine, with three truffles: dk chocolate-earl-grey, dk chocolate-coffee-cinnamon-walnut, and white chocolate-pistachio-cardamom. With a red wine reduction and fresh citrus garnish. Sweet, but not overly so, varied flavors and scents, and hopefully a pretty plate to have at the end of what is hopefully going to be a rich, filling affair.
Have at it, cherubs.

Better living through chemicals.

Yep, back on the meds, cause it's the right thing, obviously i spin out of control without them. Meanwhile this will be a horrible valentines day, after last year's hot rush of...whatever that was with smrge, but now, post-Stray, and in a weird vortex with SG, i dunno what will happen next (not that any of us do) but it looks to be a full week: wine tasting with Newbusguy and Fair, and then gonna hang with Tff's brother in Weds, so....yeah. Got a champs and strawberry terrine to rock with choc truffles on V-Day, pics to follow.

Ghost in the machine

Found out today while searching on a bit of a whim, that my most favorite teacher of all (and I, being the good student I was had several teachers that I was fond of, or who were fond of me) died just a week ago. Had I tried the very same search earlier (as I have randomly over the years, to no avail) - say perhaps in the summer, perhaps I could have actually talked to him one last time - ironically he was living in Snohomish, the same little town i visit every couple of weeks to visit my mom and brother's family...but it isn't to be. I want to write about Mr. Gray, about the warmth and compassion he radiated and the wonderful inspiration he was for me - but i am still posting from my phone, my replacement laptop is out of commission and awaiting service. Hopefully though, in the next couple of days, a long-overdue Ed Gray appreciation post.

Ginger beer and marshmallows

Also, i forgot to mention that i got to try actual tamarind fruit as well...not bad for a tuesday.

Tuesdays in the kitchen...

Spent yesterday evening at Newbusguy's house (tho he's not that new anymore, so perhaps just NJ will work for now) brewing gingerbeer for the restaurant (and us too). He has done other brewing, mostly kombucha, which is how we started talking about this project. I started drinking commercial kumbocha in sf, and have been looking to try some stuff on tap, or at least direct from the brewer. NJ and i have a similar affinity for experiments, and the more we'd talk at work about food (he was also making his own wines over the holidays) it was inevitable we'd team up.
What started as just an evening brewing the ginger beer though ended up being a literal smorgasboard: jasmine rice with a korean soybean paste similar to LBF's devil sauce, tastes of various vinegars he had made (rosemary & a kumbocha based one which i really like), four different honeys (apparently he kept bees as a teenager and likes to collect honeys, and one in particular, the soursop, was fantastic in its deep complexity), aoli from scratch which we snacked on with bits of focaccia, pickle and ham, plenty of the first batch of ginger beer we'd made, and finally, a batch of ginger-lemon marshmallows on the fly.
Really fun way to spend a rainy evening. Next up, after we test the ginger beer this weekend, another batch of that to either fine tune or make for the bar, and then we are gonna do a taco night (making the tortillas from scratch, of course) and wine tasting. He wants to learn more about wines in particular (he's not really much of a drinker. Which is why he gets so much done, i suspect :) so that will be fun. We had a great time exploring a couple of cocktails from the new list at work, and have an easy way of communicating in the same terms about food, which is a treat.
Also, brainstormed a new dessert...a lemon meringue s'more.
I will be working that this weekend.

Moreover....

"If one is not wholly convinced of one's own lovability, receiving affection can appear like being bestowed an honour for a feat one feels no connection with."
- Alain De Botton

this.

 (via explodingdog.com)

Daryl Hall is no Abe Lincoln...

is it wrong to want to be on the daily show just to get a hug from jon stewart?

so, we found a kid to back me up in pantry, and potentially make us less dependent on the Mexican Mafia for our pasta and cheese production. the balance of power is shifting a little. also, she's a go-getter, so she should be keeping me on my toes as well. yay.

was great to have ricky, his wife, jeff, and frigging jesse drop in on friday night - i was in the foulest mood too...just really spent, still blue about the usual stuff, plus getting hit hard during happy hour, and then i hear "hey m!" and ricky was leaning into my station! i've never been SO stoked to be in an open kitchen. i sent he and kate a salad and cheesecake (they are both on a cleanse for the month) and chatted, and that's when they told me jesse was in town and that he and jeff would be by soon. they showed up at about 10, and it was so wonderful to hear jess laughing - i've known that guy for as long as i've known my brothers (really) and i always forget how much i miss him until we are back together. his laugh, like his mother's, and my mother's is so comforting - he just is part of my family, part of who i was, am, and certainly will always be. i smile so much around him, my face hurts sometimes. he and jeff hung out a while and then a couple of his other pals filtered in and out, and finally they closed the bar with fair, dewey and i. it was fantastic, and dewey and jesse together? Hi-larious. Such a wonderful surprise, and really welcome lift to my spirits, which have been flagging as i roll around wrestling demons and learning to accept the mistakes i've made recently. fair has been helpful as hell, almost angelic (in that castiel sort of way) in his willingness and keeping me from just spinning in circles....at least to a certain degree. yeah. it's great.

 

*this post originally appeared in mid-january, but due to an editing snafu, was reposted as current....damn u internets!

truth

“Unrequited love may be painful, but it is safely painful, because it does not involve inflicting damage on anyone but oneself, a private pain that is as bitter-sweet as it is self-induced. But as soon as love is reciprocated, one must be prepared to give up the passivity of simply being hurt to take on the responsibility of perpetrating hurt oneself.”

—	Essays In Love, Alain de Botton.

Yeah. Epiphany. Go figure.

goats go to....

JUST LOOK AT IT, CLAIRE. THE ROLLING HILLS, THE SUN-DAPPLED LEAVES, THE RUSTIC CHARM OF IT ALL. IT’S BEAUTIFUL. JUST BEAUTIFUL.

WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD? ARE YOU DRINKING AGAIN?

NO, DOWNTON ABBEY STARTED BACK UP. GOD, IT’S BEEN A DESOLATE TV WASTELAND RECENTLY.

(animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

argh.

i really, really, REALLY miss my dog right now.

honestly how do you not look at this dog and not go: g.o.d.

social connectivity

Went to large industry holiday party courtesy my ol' pal The Driver. It was good, and I was able to meet more people from the restaurant she works at (and also the one I tried to get the Stray to take a job at, and which I might still end up, should things hit the fan at the 'zino), and the other restaurants in the organization, enjoyed some lovely food, didn't drink, and ultimately came home feeling a little disoriented but pleased, I guess. Meanwhile, work is still a bit of a struggle, as we haven't filled the shoes of the Mighty A, and so the three of us are just powering through the week, each taking one day off alternating leaving 3 days where we are working with just 2 people on the line. It blows, because business is building - we are having busy weekends as a rule now, and the weeknights are picking up as well, and all without any of the gimmicky bullshit the owners wanted to try. Nope just kick ass awesome food, and relatively decent service.
Rumor is they will be putting security cameras in next week. Hilarious, as its way too late to get anything good on tape now. Ah well.
It's a bit much. Luckily, though, we (the kitchen) like each other a bunch (even my favorite pasta&cheesemaker/dishwasher and I are back on speaking terms - we still aren't quite as tight as we were before the Great Chocolate Spill, but it's good to be talking to him and laughing again), we seem to be losing some dead weight in the FOH, and the overtime is helpful right now, though I got a parking ticket yesterday which hurts. Boooooo.
I only drove 'cause I was late and needed to do errands, and dammit, I pay to park already in this town, so it bites when i get ticketed.
Anyway, don't mean to just whine, did have a plan for this post - about baking and such. About older posts, about how angry at myself I am for having failed at being trustworthy. However, I'm not quite there yet. Having a hard time snapping out of work-eat-sleep mode right now. Hopefully it's just my liver catching it's breath. Dunno. I thought by now I'd feel better, but I actually feel more drained.

affirmations

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill 

"if you're really doing it, you won't have time to talk about it" - Breezy Lovejoy

Re-reading july-september entries has also been illuminating - links are all there on the right for perusal...

also...hell of a time to find out there is Laser Skrillex at the pacific science center....i haven't been to a laser show since, what, laser chili peppers? seems like it would be fun. *sigh*

there's always a soundtrack to my life...

you see what i did here? fences and macklemore, and i didn't even know they had done this, i discovered them separately and for different reasons, and boom, there it is. all in one fell swoop. i suspect 2013 is gonna be a bear. serious.