better writing here:

http://hopey.blogspot.com/2012_01_08_archive.html

read the newspaper

Just an observation: the New York Times still, from all online appearances, still writes news stories the way I was taught back in journalism class. All the facts are in the first sentence. The rest? Details, in descending order. Haven't read the NYT in years (when I was in college, and then on the East Coast), and have just revisited online, and damn, no one writes like they do. #journalismyo.

bon voyage

Had to say goodbye to our favorite pasta cook last night and it was brutal. ChefM was devestated, I got choked up and teary (twice, truth be told) and she cried too. It was hard - especially since the next 2 days are going to be, as Indie Bartender J said tonight:"A full on shit storm". Also spent after-hours tasting Newbusguy's homemade mint wines and chocolates he made from scratch - looks like i might get to have him cover shifts so i can get a day off...but yeah, it was a *spirited* conversation, and then just kept Fair company while he waited out his last customers.
Didn't go to crazy loft party in the Square with him, J, and apparently where MDR and other usual suspects would be in attendance. Not doing that again. Gonna keep my home quiet, and my head even more So. Yup....waiting out 2012.

'Round and 'round

Got the call after arriving home after work, and SG even came by, picked me up and whisked me off to West Seattle. Late start to the evening, and he was all riled up about a disheartening fb interaction with MCWDITW (oh the irony),  and then he presented the holiday present. Oh, and I was allowed my first sleep-over. So that's a thing. I think.There were rules, of course, but that's good. Rules are helpful for me, to be honest. Actually, I'm gonna try not to think too much about it, because...well, you know, let sleeping dogs lie (and we did, until 11, which is typical for me, but not so much with he who holds actual job in adult world). Dropped me home in time to catch a quick catnap, coffee, and surf before heading back to what has, sadly, become Work. Ah well.
Yeah. Also the return of the raven hat, and a reminder to see The Hobbit - though recent reviews have kinda got me bummed about sitting for 3 hours for a third of the story.

That is all. For now.

About to start working 6-days a week for a while until we replace our smiling pasta chef who found a better job. This is gonna be tough, but the timing is typical. Xmas Eve was brutal, and NYE is shaping up to be a total clusterfuck.
The good news is, I need something to just keep me on the hamster wheel; to keep me on my game, because I've been coasting, and if I want to get better I need to do stuff. Lots and lots of stuff, awesome stuff. Get back to the headspace of late summer. Less self-doubt, more adventure and curiosity. Pronto. It's back to the part where I need to move forward, try to put the warm fuzzy memories of sleeping in, coffee and youtube in the morning, of laughing and working together, of actual warm emo that  filled the moments in between all the cavorting, the wave of discoveries that occured ...all those memories need to be stashed away for a while, until I can revisit them and not be so full of regret. I never expect anything to really last anymore, and I guess, ultimately, that's why they don't. So, working on that, among other personal growth issues. Just working to shake off the affection, the desire will be difficult enough. But I made this reality, so I'm gonna paddle through it as best I can....
 And, I've finished all the Supernatural episodes, so that is done as well. Boohoo. No more coming home to Sam & Dean to drown my sorrows ;)
Ok, time to make the donuts so I can pay for the laptop, and all the other bills that are due.....

this is how it goes and goes and goes....

"How come I end up where I started?"
Yeah, see, here's the part where I actually know the answer to this question, but ignore it anyway.
Because you keep doing the same shit. As do I. I've lived through this before, and should have recognized it for what it was, but I treated it as if it wasn't for real, just a lightning strike. I didn't believe.
What should have happened, was that I, the older, supposedly wiser one, should have seen the abyss, and said to you: "Let's not do it this way, ok?"
But, I didn't. I reverted to old form, and the shit happened. Again.
It was all on me to grow, to treat this as a real thing, to recognize the opportunity to move forward and not fall back. And for that, I am responsible. I didn't let it happen. Yeah. You can blame all white girls, but crazy comes in all colors and often, with kids. So, you know, buyer beware.
It is what it is. I did what I did. The fact that it isn't the first time, is only echoing what is already clear if you read any of this blog. I do the best I can with what I have. I am not perfect. I love passionate people and want to help them more (often) than I want to help myself. I'm working on it.
I am, as smrge once described himself: a work in progress.
Though I would of course add the adjective: still.

i'm a loser, baby.

And, it turns out, a pretty huge asshole. I repeated history and lo & behold the results were the same. I knew better than to do what I did, and yet I did it anyway. You would think, after enough of those crucial moments, where you are standing at the precipice, knowing that there's no going back once you push that domino over, that I would learn to leave it alone. No matter how drunk I was, no matter how angry and hurt and abandoned I felt, I lost a hunk of my soul doing the pandora's box thing again.
Ok. With the hope that if this presents itself again, I will choose the higher path, the moral choice, i will Do The Right Thing.

yup

anything i do at 6am is highly suspect. just saying.

dammit.

per a call i got about a half an hour ago, i will now be going to sleep via:

morning missed

Starting my day with this:

Then will move on to this:

Yeah, still can't shake it off...trying to, trying every way i know how right now.

reminder:

Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. -Ralph Marston

'tis the season...

I have this way with certain geeky/arty/smart types - maybe it's the old "birds of a feather" thing. Lately, been closing shop with Fair and all new rituals are occurring....better than previously in our story though, both from a financial standpoint, and from a physical/mental standpoint (not near the liquor intake) so that's been nice. Last night, I was rocketed back to 1983 (yes, EIGHTY THREE) while I looked on (well, I played too, but was so out of practice, i didn't make it past the first screen) as he fucking KILLED at the table version of Ms Pac Man. I literally swooned as if Bradbob was sitting across from me again at Godfather's Pizza. It was crazy how watching that game brought back all these sense memories of being at the arcade next to Moviola for hours at a time, playing that game over and over because it was the only one none of the boys played and was always open. Fair got to screens I'd never seen before! He got to the point where the power pills don't work! And I enjoyed every second of it! If there was ever, ever, EVER any doubt that I am a geek, it was removed last night. Punk rock dork, full-on. So much fun, and no annoying hangover, or random bruising.
Fireballs consumed: 2

Ok, not a bad evening...

Spent all day cleaning the apartment (while periodically surfing the internets), unpacked some of the stuff I lugged home from storage, and then went out into my neighborhood. Pioneer Square is awesome for a lot of reasons, and tonight featured a few: the lighting of the Christmas tree on Occidental Square was accompanied by a dog costume contest (yes there were many Santa hats, reindeer antlers, elf sweaters, ugly xmas sweaters, and also what appeared to be holdover actual costumes from Halloween ((a bassett in a cowboy hat, for instance), dogs of all varieties assembled for the festivities, and then a pet parade. Additionally, the First Thursday Art Walk was tonight, and while I didn't go into more than a couple galleries (my tolerance is low for the crowds, not the art) I did stop into my pal's shop where they were featuring an artist friend of theirs who does fantastic wood-block prints, mostly of animals - I had seen them while they were hanging them on Tuesday, and there were plenty of people, plus champagne, beer, cookies and of course the Shop Kittens, Vito and Ivar who have become these amazingly soft teen cats who are the healthiest most well-adjusted cats I've ever seen.
I hung out with C mostly, and he showed me his latest thrift finds, including this spectacular "Robot Chef" broiler/toaster/rotisserie/fryer from the '50's, never used...so awesome.

Then while chatting a woman came into the shop with a beautiful Husky and was asking D about dog sitting, and he tried to steer her into a sitting service and she was adamant that she didn't want that, and somehow my gut wanted to offer to do it (I did sit several dogs in SF, though always with Scraps and all elderly), so I approached her, and trying as much as possible not to sound like a complete dog-abducting psycho, I let her know that I was interested, and that I lived close by. Turns out, she's actually looking for someone to take the dog in (she'll be gone 5 weeks) not to just come by and feed & water. Dog is just 8, needs no meds, just walks and is "totally apartment trained". She sounded interested (she was honest to tell me she couldn't pay me much) and so we exchanged information - so I might be fostering (kinda) a Husky in February! Kind of cool, and might keep me out of most trouble for a bit.
Then, in another bit of neighborhood karma, my favorite Restaurant Hostess (and GF of J, our indie bartender) stopped in with her dog, and so we chatted for about a half hour, as she isn't working at the restaurant anymore. It was nice - and even a friend of C & D's who I've met a bunch of times now stopped by and it was just good to be among friends. I know that sounds silly, but I am still getting used to actually having a neighborhood, of being social again. Sometimes I feel so out of tune unless I'm in a bar or with the usual suspects...anyway, it was a nice evening, and didn't cost a penny. So, yay.

yes, just more random ephemera....

...yes, it's come to this: Grumpy cat meme re-posting.


(via buzzfeed.tumblr.com)

be cool, 502 goes into effect today...

YOU GET PINCHED, WE NEVER MET. YOU GOT ME? YOU FOUND THIS ON THE STREET.

(animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

also...

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” - Albert Camus

xmas

Not my favorite holiday by any means, and this one isn't shaping up to be much better...but this made me grin, cause it is without a doubt my favorite of all the holiday shows. All hail the Land Of the Misfit Toys and skinny Santa and a reindeer whose nose glows. Yeah. This.

done

i have nothing else to write right now. It's faster than the hiphop, but its feelings are no less real. Poets come in all colors.

More. Later, different; perhaps. Usually.

yes, again.

I love this version of this song. Always, but especially, now.

from time to time...

I drink too much. And I blackout. Sometimes, it's not a big deal - I'm in a place where everyone else is in that mode too, I'm with someone who is watching out for me, or I already have a plan for Home. Or I'm with Charles, and we are cavorting, or I'm at SG's and we are *watching movies*, stuff like that. Sometimes though, I do stuff, in that blackout, that I regret. Sometimes it's physical stuff, "hey look! car made it home, parked in its spot AGAIN"...and sometimes, like today; I piece together phone notices and drunken posts that I left as drafts...I realize I crossed the line (again). I have been very lucky lately, and in all Fairness, have been given a little help (still not sure why, but he's a good dude) - my car has been in the garage all week, and will hopefully stay there for another - so at least that isn't an issue (yay! living downtown!) but, I apparently yelled at someone via phone, who I very deeply still care about, [though hopefully for him it will subside eventually, and I'll leave him alone] ((though:MCWGITW vs. SG...)) for 6 minutes last night, and don't remember any of it, and can, unfortunately, imagine what I might have said. Which is painful. I called tonight, and am either blocked or his battery is fried. I'm guessing (a . And that kind of thing is the sort of activating incident that AA folk call: bottom. Again. Yay, me. It may not take the court to get me into a room this time.
Yeah, that thing. What's weird is this doesn't really happen much, but right now, all stars are aligning to show me that....that it's going to be a dry january at the very least. I have been playing loose and free with the rules, again, and it's falling in on itself (on me).
Time to move forward. Enough grovelling and feeling sorry for myself about smrge. Hey, check it: 28 years old and Fair. We watched the Lakers, had a fireball and a pabst and talked about crustypunx. It just keeps being awesome. Stop whining.
Oh, except shoulder is for all intents and purposes: jacked. Ice. and Jameson..
But, just so we are clear: this band belongs to The Stray the way The Replacements belong to MCDITW, or Wilco belongs to smrge, or DOA to Mike. Sometimes shit just happens like that, it touched a nerve, i needed a touchstone. Now, there's nothing else, it informs so much of what is RIGHT NOW.

;

injured reserve

Home with an crazy painful rotator cuff that's radiating down to my elbow and wrist. Had every intention of going to the storage facility to retrieve cooking stuff and some books/fliers that people have asked for (oh sure, now that i'm not sitting on all of it, suddenly everyone wants a piece. Plus, since my computer has gone belly-up everyone seems to want all my portfolio stuff as well). But a short walk to the drugstore on the corner for coffee filters (and kleenex, etc) and then a walk back home to grab a sandwich at grand central (won't do that again. it's either delicatus or subway, depending on the cashflow) and i was done. the thought of dragging stuff out and into my car and then out and into the elevator, fuck it. I am just gonna have to cough up another $134 and hope i can get shit done next month. which sux, because i'm living really close to the wire again, and it's depressing and stressful, and to be honest, it is the very, very worst part of being alone.
Anyway, working an extra shift tomorrow too, so hopefully i won't fall too far behind the 8-ball.
Yeah. Yay. Bought some sleepytime tea though, because i think i'm in for a dry spell shortly.
That'll be fun.
Did amazing apple crostadas at work last week - i'm pretty adept at working that dough, like riding a bike really. Also SG rang again, was gonna go over but both of us were a little too spent...but at least there was contact and communication. Can't say the same for my former coworker, who has avoided texts, and only recently answered the phone to tell me he was working (which I understand, so I hung up quick - I just had no idea he'd be working as we hadn't talked in ages) and then last night, when he called back...well he said it wasn't from home, and unfortunately - if he was in that part of Kent...I couldn't be of any help anyway - and it sounds like he was with someone new anyway, and pictures he posted from the evening appear to indicate he might be working for GMB, which is ironic on so many levels. Sort of like these Slayer Xmas sweaters.

Cest la vie though, you know?

chchchchcanggggeeees...

Looks like I'm going to help my pal, who once upon a time booked our European tour, and who I have since had a wonderful, intertwining friendship with, edit his novel that he completed last month. I'm really stoked - because he's done something complete (like he does, seriously, this guy is amazable in his ability to start and complete projects. He has always been an inspiration in that way...) and is ready to share it, and is mature enough to know it needs another couple of eyes to check it out.
Plus, I love editing. Plus I have time, and it doesn't cost anything to read his stuff (or the 4 other books and journals I have sitting around)...plus it might just kick me in the ass to get to the whole writing for real thing. So im stoked, read the first five chapters last night, and am encouraged. Also, he's currently in Berlin, where I'm hoping to go after London in the Fall of next year.
So, that's a thing.

tableside

It's been a minute since I have been asked to go out to a table - I mean, I've gone a couple times when I've had friends in, but that's different. Last night, it was a 3-top, at 7, one of our (in my opinion) better tables, because it's a booth, with a window, and you can see the kitchen. Anyway, they apparently loved the meal, and new server R (who has been kind of ping-ponging in and out of favor so far - he can be very pushy and high maintenance; but does tend to sell specials and likes to run his own food...when he's not stealing off of other tickets...anyway) pulled me aside to tell me that they were raving about the cheesecake, and wanted to know what kind of liquor was in it, etc. I started giving him the breakdown...and he rolled his eyes and asked if I could please just come out to the table, they would really appreciate it.
I literally haven't done it (that style, occasionally i'll get people in the bar who will compliment it or whatever) that way, since Pangea days. Not gonna lie, my ego needed a bit of a boost, and having a man kiss my hand and his companions shake my hand while showering me with praise was a nice lift. I mean, I worked hard on that cheesecake, it is my signature dessert, and hilariously they were convinced it had triple-sec in it.
(It did not. As Dewie so bluntly said "It's topped with motherfucking tangerines. Of course he thinks there's orange liquor in it.") But it was fun to watch their eyes glow as I described the process and the simple ingredients...I wrapped up as I always have, saying thanks and that I'm glad they enjoyed it - I love what I do, and I hope it shows. They agreed it does.
I do love what I do. The venue is always a challenge, and lately, physically, the achey breaky part of 10 hour shifts on your feet in the blasting heat is certainly wearing on me; not to mention the lack of financial compensation. However, I can't imagine going back to sitting at a computer all day listening to architects, or marketing dorks harrass me about color matching, or fonts being embedded or all the other ridiculous nonsense I used to deal with. Moreover, I am glad I'm not a GM at a mobile artisan food company, trying to juggle crazy personalities and make a business successful in spite of the owner's willful disrespect for humans.
Though, I do miss a good grass-fed beef hot dog, and still dream of a porchetta sandwich that isn't made delicious via the sweat of abused indentured slaves.
Anyway, it was a decent night, one of two this week (and next) that I get to do with just me and Dewie. We always have our Mondays, but yesterday (and next Sunday) we'll be doing two-fors. Having a nightcap at the end of the night with just J at the bar (no more riff-raffy dudes hanging out now) as also good. Me and Dewie talking shop about ovens we've worked with, and J discussing all the change that has happened. Good, calm night. It's about time, I suppose, for things to settle down.

yeah. this.

“I’m just very, very fond of you.”

—	John Green, A Fault In Our Stars

Hilarious, 'cause it's true.

Back in February of this year, when smrge was making so many promises he had no ability to keep, he made a date to go see this movie on opening night, as we had the first two LOTR movies.
Obvs not gonna happen now (like all the rest of the stuff), but I still find myself looking forward to the film....and i will probably go on a nice, quiet Tuesday afternoon, alone.
Which, actually, would be a good thing,because in the vast scheme of things, previously, on this channel, once I start going to movies alone, I become pure awesome.
Just saying.

giving thanks

...

Sometimes you just have to re-post stuff because it's so appropriate that nothing else will do. Pretty much coming full circle after a year that has been filled with some crazy intense feels. Thankful that I am able to continue to love in the face of all the challenges loving presents. Thankful for the opportunities to practice patience and that the moments I did enjoy that were so joyful and amazing; and the ones I haven't enjoyed but ultimately will inform me and offer a chance to learn something new.
It's been an epic year, one filled with events I had never anticipated (thanks smrge, sg, and the stray) and have always expected: back in the city i love, a job I don't despise, and an apartment that reflects part of the dream.
Yeah. It's not perfect, but it's mine.

unflavored gelatin

I spent a large part of today searching for unflavored gelatin. Certainly, I probably could have saved myself a good 5 miles of walking by just going to work and grabbing some, but nooooo, I was on a mission, and was sure I'd find it. Once again, my cheesecake is special in whole new ways.
I was asked by the youngest brother to bring it for dinner tomorrow. Not just to please bring dessert, but to bring the creme fraiche cheesecake. As per usual, I procrastinated until 2pm today, and then madly wandered downtown looking for gelatin. In the frenzy, I forgot I also needed cinnamon for the graham crackers and that the vanilla bean i thought i had was actually also at work, in my knife bag, with the emergency stash of gelatin that i keep in case i have to make a cf ck on the fly.
I am nothing if not brilliant at shooting myself in the foot. First stop was Target, where I kinda figured I'd find it on the shelf with the jello. Nope. But they did have all the dairy i needed (this is not going to be a high end version...my heathen family has even told me that the fruit "isn't important" wtf?) so at least I got the first round of stuff - thought I might have luck at DeLaurenti's in the market, plus I've been meaning to check out the little burrito window next door to them for a while so I did both. No dice at D's and when I realized I also needed flour I asked the woman at the burrito spot where in the market i might find flour and she shook her head "Right across the street on the corner, you can't miss it" she seemed shocked that I wouldn't know that. As I walked up to the corner, racking my brain to try and remember where there would be an actual drygoods store in that part of Pike Place Market  (also, can I take a minute to vent about a HUGE pet peeve of mine? People who call it Pike's Place Market. Both locals and tourists and friends and family...drives me bonkers. I always assume it must be some sort of schizophrenic throwback to "Pike's Peak" but still, dammit! It is The Pike Place Market. Simples.) and then as I wander inside the building walking by the FLOWER STORE on the Corner, I realize that woman heard flower, not flour, because what jackass in their right mind would be buying baking staples at Pike Place?
Yeah. So no luck there. Stopped at two corner groceries on the way back to my flat, but of course no luck there. At home, took a break to call Mom and brother, and to eat burrito. The burrito was fair at best, and once again, another Mexican place in the Seattle Metro area fails to achieve any sort of victory. Ah well, at least I know not to do it again.
It occurs to me that Uwajimmaya a mile in the other direction might be eclectic enough to have what I need, so off I go to the International District...which is always a delightful flashback. When I worked in that neighborhood, I ate in all the little hole in the walls, and have great memories of nights drinking there with coworker Rory, and also of rampaging drunken binges with Shay where we'd start drinking at 11 in the morning and not stop until the money did. One afternoon, a woman bartender actually fed us Mochi ice cream because she insisted that we had to eat something.
It would be a lie to say I didn't glance in some of the old haunts - and how the hell are so many of them still there when so many of the other places I used to know are long gone? Just wondering if I'd spot the Raven. It's not constructive, I know, but a habit I can't quite kick.
Anyway, get to ground zero of JapanTown and it's mayhem as always in that store, all the jostling and ignoring of personal space; however, it remains one of the most impressive food expos ever. So much fish. All the sushi, sashimi, veg and fruits....and the asian food, frozen, dry, aisles of soy sauce, vinegar, ramen.
However, I was on a mission, and was victorious in finding the flour i needed for the graham crackers, but still no gelatin. But I did find agar-agar powder (!!!) ((because the strands/crystals suck to use)) so I snagged that. And then some sushi, and a beer, and a coke....and some satsumas. and blackberries for the cheesecake (screw my savage family). Fairly happy (I didn't realize i needed cinnamon yet) I set off home, taking a quick detour to look at the bookstore where there were tons of beautiful pens, and manga in english. Yeah. Trundled home, past the dudes hanging at the neighborhood mission and upstairs where I finally put the kitchen aid that charles gifted me with to work. Dessert is done and I'm finishing up now, reducing some Riesling from work to make a syrup to go with it. Tomorrow, up early (for me); supposedly we are eating at 2pm, so hopefully I'll be back home by 6 at the latest, ideally I'll be driving while everyone else is eating.
There is beer and champs in the 'fridge for when i arrive home, hopefully it won't require a xanex to decompress after my first big holiday back with the fam. Well, most of the family, since the other brother is having a last-minute dinner at his house, but we'd already agreed to go over to the youngest's house...argh, cannot wait until xmas.
Sodding holiday nonsense. Wish I could just go to the South of Italy and hide for a while
.In happier news:

We won the North London Derby! Once again, I didn't watch live and we beat them 5-2. Also beat Montepilliar today to make it into the knock out round of CL. Once again, the boys seem to do best when I don't watch live. So happy for Jack though today! Hopefully will subscribe to the channel again after the first of the year, if I can scrape together enough $$ for a new laptop by then. Gonna be a tough go though, for sure.

Smitty sent his holiday greeting this evening - he's always so good about that stuff. Hopefully he'll swing by the restaurant soon...ah, yes, the restaurant, more to write about that soon....

booooo

Lost my favorite hat...thought i'd left it at SG's last night, but apparently no - somehow managed to lose it between there and getting home last night. Yeah. The Shay Hat.
Superbummed to lose that talisman.

shuffle is on

My i-pod is brilliant, as Juno fades into Mother Love Bone. "Life takes you where it wants to..."
Exactly what is needed for a rainy Monday that isn't my Friday, as I'm picking up another day tomorrow in a desperate attempt to reach economic stability (again).
Sigh.
Slow weekend. No fireworks. No Stray. No Movies. No epiphanies. Just work and sleep. Letting the dream evolve. Or something like that. But, what's a post without Dean?

distraction technique

LOOK AT YOU. SO SAD ALL THE TIME. ALWAYS FRETTING. IT BREAKS MY HEART.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? SOME SMILE JUICE. A NICE TALL GLASS OR TWO OF SMILE JUICE. IT’S MADE FROM THE JOYOUS TEARS OF THE HAPPIEST GRAPES IN THE WORLD.

I ALWAYS HAVE A BOTTLE OR TWO OF SMILE JUICE AT LUNCH. IT’S HOW I STAY SO PERKY.

STOP YOUR FRUMPING. COME ON OVER HERE AND HAVE A LITTLE TASTE.

(as always, courtesy animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com)

You know what makes everything better?

Listening to Juno. Truth.

Oh, I'm sorry, did i not mention why it blew apart? BECAUSE I WRITE A BLOG AND FAILED TO MENTION IT TO A SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Though I did mention it, just didn't make an issue about it.
So for future reference, that's a thing.

I can't help digging people and am really tired of apologizing for it.
I will survive. I always do. See the last 10 years of entries.
Also: "Brooklyn Cocktail" new favorite shift drink. Courtesy trying too hard new bar manager. But I'll take it.

well, that was unfortunate on two counts.

While my personal life just blew apart (again!) at least there isn't a Mormon Overlord this morning, so that's fantastic.

gone, gone, gone.

exhale slowly

I have awesome friends - which really doesn't need embellishment, but for posterity (and to help me through the enevitable grey day that will come along) let's review the week, shall we?
Satuday K2 arrive and dine at the resto. Everyone is in the house, including the stray and it's a great night, topped off by K2, me and Dewie grabbing drinks after at the Nitelight. Very entertaining evening with Ken and Dewey. Plus Ken drank coffee and drove. Pure awesome. the stray bailed and then the next day, whined a bit about not sticking around. Heh. Sunday I worked, Ka went north to visit her nephew, Ke stayed in town with my house keys and roamed the city, caught a movie. I went out after with Dewie and   the stray and XH and it was fun - new Karaoke place and XH and I commiserated about food and played pool. Evening ended a little melodramatically when fangirls of Dewie and the stray  rendition of Public Enemy swooped in, and I gave Dewie a ride home.
Anyway. Monday I worked again with D & the stray and...wait, I seem to have forgotten how that rolled, actually I think I have sunday confused with Monday. At any rate, Tuesday I finally had off, and K2 and I took in the Underground tour which I hadn't done since my family first moved here, then we did lunch at Delicatus (my neighborhood joint is so cool!) and then went to the top of the Smith Tower.
I love that building. I have been so delighted with gazing at it from my window, and it just epitomizes Seattle in so many ways for me, and now, so many more. Goddamn.I can't believe I waited so long to go up. Amazing views, and the woman who works at the top is a lovely human being. I want to bring her lunch! Just really a heartwarming experience. Then we headed north to see Mom, and that of course rolled into Nephews 1 & 2 who had just gotten home from school. #2 even brought up the remote control rat I bought him, so K2 could see it, and he presented the 36 page book he wrote that features first person narrative by a dog. He's frigging 7. I'm so proud! Brother #1 also made an appearance and we all hung around and watched the boys play football and B1 throw for #1 as he teased him. My older brother and I become better friends each and everytime we spend time together. At least some of the progress I was making with my father so long ago seems to be flowing with him. Yay.
Other brother was not free to hang out with, hurt his back, so we didn't visit he & #3.
Headed back to the City after making a quick stop for groceries. Came back to flat,  had great soup, beer and chat.
Wednsday was the big one: me, K2, Charles, and the stray  headed out to the 'burbs to scoop him up, headed to Woodinville for whiskey tasting at a distillery - while on the freeway halfway to destination, I notice my gas gauge has dropped completely and no light is on. We pull off at next exit for gas, open hood to check oil and find broken belt. Alternator. Luckily (!!) they call for the part and can fix it within the half hour, so in the interim, we all bond, Ke buys lotto tickets for us all to scratch, Charles cleans windows and fills air in tires while mechanic fixes belt.
Back on the road with yet another wacky story, we arrive at destination. Drink whiskey, and vodka. Smile a lot. the stray  clearly delighted and dazzled, Charles is stoked as well, and K2 are, as always lovely. They make some purchases for their Fresno contingent. Ka is designated driver and suggests winery tour and we all agree. Off to Chatau St Michelle (!!) and we do a tasting and then a tour with a tasting. The Stray and Charles are both virgins to wine tours and so it was especially fun. Really beautiful day for it, as well.
Then home, via the usual hellish traffic, and off to the pet store for a meet & greet with Charles' guy and the Kittens! Ka & Chaz talk renovation stuff, the stray  admires the kittens and catnip, Ken hovers and I just lean and grin like crazy. So happy everyone is getting along.
We all head to the New Orleans to have dinner, then to the Central for beers, where we run into D (Chas' D) and his uncle, bro and cousin, so we grab a table and hang out. Later K2 are spent and head home,  and the stray nd I chill a bit longer with Charles, some emo happens, stray bails and I spend some quality time with D's brother Jared (!) who is as cute as D is not. Funny. later as things wind down, Charles walks me home, and we make plans for an Ikea run Thursday.
Thursday, K2 want to check out the sci-fi display at EMP, so off we go. Good stuff, but it's the installation about the history of the biker jacket and the horror movie stuff that really gets my attention. A jacket adorned with Keith Haring designs (oddly now, can't recall if it was painted or printed, but it was part of the "street fashion meets high fashion" portion of the display) prompted a small emo moment and I sent smrge a photo, because when it comes to Haring, there's no one I know who feels the same about that artist as I do except him, all shit aside, I choose to focus on the best parts of that relationship. Anyway. Was nice to receive a response in the affirmative next day as well. Just can't have negative chi floating around, so that was good. Also sent snap of Deadmau5 swag in giftshop to, the stray as it's one of the many things he has introduced me to, and to see it amongst all the Nirvana and Rolling Stones stuff  kinda made me a little giddy.
After EMP, a stroll by the Chihuly garden, then to the 5 Point for late bite. We rendevous with Charles at petstore and then head off to Ikea adventure. 3 hours later, chair, kitchen station and huge art piece of seattle skyline for my hallway across from bedroom and a lamp in tow, we stop at crazy asian market for beer and noshes (I get some amazing blue crab and pan fry it) and head to flat for beer-fueled assembly party.
Another fantastic day.
Friday found me back to work, and K2 came in late for final visit. Few late drinks, MDR was much nicer, they met crazy Colin, tipped Nat for the night before, met XH when he came to collect the stray, and then we headed out. Got last minute text from the stray wanting us to join them at Shorty's but K2 were done, so I had to say no. Pained me to do so, but, sometimes you gotta.
Their plane left yesterday, but we grabbed a quick bite at the pub across the way and I went to work. Came home early last night (meaning I did not go anywhere else after shift beer) and slept like a rock. So good.
Today, back to work, and we pick up the story where we left - and waiting for SG to swoop back in as well.

Yeah, the saga continues.

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HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FLOWERS? THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM! AND THEY’RE BEUTERFUL. BOOTIFALL? THEY’RE REALLY PRETTY.

I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, YOU BELLIGERENT DRUNK SHITHEAD, IF YOU DO NOT TURN AROUND AND AT LEAST TRY TO HELP ME GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL.

YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. I LOVE FLOWERS AND TEQUILA AND THE WAY YOUR BACK SMELLS.

I’M GOING TO BURY YOU, AND THEN YOU CAN BECOME FLOWERS.

I WOULD BE PRETTY YELLOW ONES.

… I HATE SO MUCH YOU RIGHT NOW.

*there is much to write about but not a lot of time, will continue with life play-by-play as soon as houseguests have left the house (tomorrow).

Old friends, new traditions...

October weather report

K2 will be here on the weekend. I need to get rid of this bronchitis, find another chair for people to sit in, lay in some food/coffee, oh, and grow the hell up.

alert

Phone rang this morning as well...how did I let this unicorn get so far into my head? Amazables.

Verse, chorus, verse...

I reached out and was clever about getting his new digits, and he responded. Called me several times on his own tonight...when i admitted how i got his number (after realizing he might not have had anyone's info, nor as i had worried all week, did anyone else have his) and sorry if it seemed stalker-y he said "nah, i like that". So, yeah. Might see him tomorrow night, though texts about yet another "break in" and him wanting MDR's number...little worried about all this cloak & dagger shit. But at any rate it was good to hear his voice. Also trying to not to think about SG's blossoming fb relationship...because we all know i cant seem to make that venue for me. And they always seem to find true love there. Argh. Need sleep.

unacceptable dismissal

of my stray, from work today. really fucking angry and sad and an overwhelming feeling of loss that is the real deal, as opposed to the crazy-headtripping stuff i have been indulging in all week.
booooooooooooooooo.

Wrong again Mongo...

Previous post attempts while drunk and via phone would only serve as an example, so they were eliminated. Anyway, SG did swoop in, just running a little late. Got the text at the end of last night, just as I was closing. Went over...and watched Roadhouse, drank Maker's (several empty soldiers at his feet, he and i are alike in so many ways) and had more of the crazy good action - he also was very sweet and let me know he was taking a road trip to see a girl he's known for a while and he might sleep with her, but it would be just that. Yeah. I get it. I mean, like with The Stray, I can't be upset, because a) it's not supposed to be a relationship and b) I have also had extracurricular activities...so, yeah.
A little terrified by the discovery that he's so into Patrick Swayze (how exactly am I going to get out forced viewing of Red Dawn? Oh yeah, my superpower distraction technique :)
Yeah. Ok, one more day and then I'm off tomorrow, which means I'm staying in bed all day. I'm hung over and feeling a bit sick....gonna be a long night. Argh.

In the midst of six in a row...

Don't get me wrong, I'm still totally in love with my city, and my situation is not dire; but am struggling this last week or so emotionally...so...even Norway looks nice right now.
Flashback-inducing photo that reminds me of the windy trip to Oslo from Bergen 20 years ago. Seriously, it was 20 years ago this month. Argh.

argh.

Foul mood all night, Thursdays are the worst. Sure, I do it to myself; I go all ballistic over shit I have no control over (other than my own willingness to be an idiot) - I need to figure out a way to pull myself out of this tailspin. I just have been really lucky in the last couple of weeks, having SG swoop in at just the appropriate time to keep me from feeling like...like this. Anyway. Got kudos for the radish tweak to the baby lettuces, and am trying to give Sous Matt the support he needs in creating the kale & squash salad that we think will replace the caprese when the heirlooms finally bite the dust. I think I've got a dumbed-down version of the dino-kale ready to go, using his apple cidar vin dressing. Also: made the stupid italian stracciatello gelato that everyone is all hot over. yawn.
anyway, need to go mainline some sad bluesy shit...but this is it, this is the song that says what is in my head right now, by the man who seems to know just how to...say what this moment feels like right now, with 'zac-less thoughts racing with the demons who hold court in my head already..
attachment is my war.

Vito is all about business...

in a half-assed attempt to be less like Ivar and more like Vito, I have started making purveyor calls - just to produce and bakery, but still. Menu changes are in order, and I've been putting it off for far too long and need to do the appropriate research and trials. Must channel CG. Must get back in the game. Must not let myself be distracted so much.

That said, hanging out after last night with Dewey playing pinball and talking hardcore was good (almost) clean fun. As it should be.

huh

UK and Malaysia? odd. But ok. So, here's the thing, The Stray, who was indeed working tonight, (which was uneXpected) asked me to go in on stuff that i generally don't go in on, especially in this town, but it was his birthday, so what the hell, even though he and his housemate took off, i still played pinball with Dewey tonight, and it was awesome. So much talk about hardcore and punk rock and just easy stuff. I love this place so goddamn much. So, yeah, that. For the history book, or paper trail, or whatever happens after this: I made an amazing palate cleansing sorbet tonight, cucumber-lime-mint; and everyone was all aflutter, and  The Stray, after tasting said "can I keep you" and I said, on reflex, because it would be nice if he did: "Yes. yes you can" and there was silence after, of course. A quick hug and kiss goodbye tonight, but still. A unicorn, a comet. Like Charles says...you just don't know what you are doing to make this happen, but you enjoy it as much as you can, cause you know it will not last forever.
Let it go. I will . But damn, that was fun.

If you don't learn from your past...

One of my most lucid posts happened this year on January 23rd. Rereading it today is ultimately why I do this, this writing thing. Sometimes I make sense. Sometimes, documentation is helpful. Sometimes it's just killing time, and often it's simply a confessional, which keeps the guilt that destroys my psyche at bay.
From that entry:
"I would be remiss if I didn't note the stark parallels in my own personal narrative right now. My willingness to bring my ex-husband back into my life is based in the simple fact that I loved him dearly when I met him, though I wasn't completely able to functionally do it, because, simply put, I wasn't too crazy about myself. Sure, in the abstract, I'm suitably enamored of my personae, my ability to take on challenges and survive. Blah, blah, blah. But, that sort of ends up making you a bit of a lab rat, waiting for the next mystery dose to see what the effects are. Doses administered by others."

Last night.

Post-getting my ass kicked at work on an insanely busy friday that had me going until past midnight, constantly...i find myself curling up with Radiohead, missing my stray something fierce.

one more chorus...

So many feels right now, and kind of trying to sort them...another few days of adventure, danger, romance and lust. Couple of after-work nights with  The Stray and Dewey, the second of which saw  The Stray and I returning to the scene of our previous antics, and me getting worked hard on the dining room floor of the restaurant. Am sooo frigging sore, all over. Probably stepped over the line last night by going in on our night off and him being so drunk. He's there now, working, and is without a phone...anyway. Lots of emo last night too, but good action, good after, and the cuddling to radiohead melts me. dammit. i seriously don't know where this train is going, but he also was a little squirrelly asking how many blogs i'd written about him, etc. It's there if he wants to read it, and it's nothing i haven't really already said to him. It's just all about context and references, but ultimately I write for myself.
oh, and tuesday he slept through C and I painting the apartment. Best moment, C turning to me and saying "Just out of curiosity, how long does he sleep for" (this at about 4pm) and I told him "I honestly don't know, I usually roust him at 2, but today is sort of an experiment."
He got up at about 5 when C was almost done and had bought beer...just for the record.  The Stray is without mobile communication tool, so i hope he found a way home tonight - . Or, he'll find a place to crash via Hula. But the first seems most obvious...unless he finds his housemate...(or mom?) dunno. I should defo not be thinking about this tho...

walk it off...

...yeah, so, me having feelings is a real pain. Let loose some emo last night that i shouldn't have, successfully destroying what was left of that thing we were doing....I can be a real jerk. Feel like I can't even apologize because that just makes it more of an issue. I knew I shouldn't get attached to it, that it was a comet, something that only happens once in a while and doesn't last long...but I let myself feel anyway, and all it does is end up feeling empty, hurt, and ultimately me completely incapable of having normal human interactions.

Affirmation: The past is beautiful. And mostly a lie.

speaking to soon jinxes it

because it is, ultimately. 

but it appears that it's all done for real now. back to our previously scheduled grown-up life.

look, everything changes

Affirmation: It’s okay to take something to sleep. You look like 
hell you could use some sleep.

got the paint swatches and everything...

Affirmation: You can do this. Whatever this is looking like today.

i'll sleep when i'm dead

WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE, MAN. JUST HOP IN THE CAR AND GO, YOU KNOW? NO FORWARDING ADDRESS, NO ROAD ATLAS, NO LOOKING BACK. LET’S JUST HIT THE OPEN HIGHWAY, THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND, SIEZE THE MOMENT. 

OR WE COULD GET SOME TATTOOS, YEAH? LET’S JUST GET ALL INKED UP AND START CARRYING KNIVES. LET’S LIVE OUTSIDE THE LAW. WE CAN CARVE A TRAIL OF BLOOD AND FIRE ACROSS THE AMERICAN WEST. DIE SOMEWHERE IN THE BADLANDS, CUT DOWN IN A HAIL OF BULLETS.

OR CROSSFIT! WE COULD JOIN CROSSFIT GYM. THEY JUST OPENED ONE NEAR THE PANERA BREAD ON 6TH. HIGH INTENSITY INTERVAL TRAINING. KILLER CARDIO. FINALLY SHED THOSE EXTRA POUNDS.

OR, UH …

OKAY, LOOK, I’VE BEEN ABUSING METH PRETTY REGULARLY FOR A VERY LONG TIME, SO IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BETTER IF YOU DECIDE WHAT WE’RE DOING TONIGHT. HONESTLY, I DON’T CARE. I’M DOWN FOR WHATEVER.

never assume....

son, i have t-shirts older than you are...

This was pretty much my theme song for the whole X-capade, (but could be appropriate for vast swaths of my existance as well) which certainly seems to have come to an end...still, i learned some new stuff, did some new stuff, so it's cool....my heart can't do day after day like that, but it was a fun go there for a bit; memories of Shay-style excess, but without all the seamy details. He even drug me to karoke, which was actually kind of interesting (and he's really frigging good at it), and then just some fun running around.Not to mention, the action was literally the best since....Chris maybe? and that initial part where we were cuddling and stuff, that was really nice to have happen naturally....yeah.

wow.

...After hanging out with my pal Charles, totally cool with the break from The Stray  for these couple of days off. I assisted Charles with the adoption of two shop kitties today, and totally because I just decided to head over to the store and see if he wanted to have a beer or something, and then I found out they were waiting to find out if they were gonna get these kittens, and they did, and the rescue place ended up being literally 3 blocks from where smrge and i used to live in ravenna. amazables. then we went back, played with the kittens, and then went to the Central for beers and burgers. Such. A good day. and after a solid week of fucked up ness, it was soooo welcome.

Back to work...

"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned." - William Somerset Maugham


...been an interesting week.

4th and ten to go...

Yikes. Three turned into day four, and as Rob and I were unable to meet up before his flight out due to traffic and forest fires and a car rental agency snafu, i went back to sleep.  The Stray and I arose late in the afternoon on a mission to find speakers for my shit computer (as he'd been screening rap battles the last couple evenings and some of the vids sound are crap, and my laptop speakers are toast too) he suggested a pawn shop on Pike on the Hill, and so off we went.I hadn't been in a pawn shop in a while, and certainly not one in hipster central...so after i spent $15 bux on some portable speakers, i couldn't help but troll the guitars. X was outside (it's totally not his gig) having a smoke, and i looked around, found a well-worn SG (gonna guess early '90s maybe) for $845. But I didn't even hesitate to take it off the rack and play it. I looked at a couple of basses, looked at some Fenders (just for kicks) and then left, full of malaise and longing.
That, however was crushed by a suggestion to hit Beth's for food (our first of the day) - so we cruised out to 99, and ate omlettes in the emptiest Beth's I've ever been in. Our server was groovy though, and we had some fun, even got the crayons to do a couple drawings. i did my usual smiley drunk punk face, elaborated a bit in style and captioned it "So. Many. Eggs"
He did a cool little hip-hop skull thing, that I dug so much i shoved it in my bag, which seemed to wig him out. It's hard cause my apartment is so empty he can't see how much stuff I accumulate in terms of personal keepstakes.
It's in a weird spot right at the moment, he and I. Me, because there are aspects to what is going on that I recognize and are a wasteful. I am walking a thin line between Shayesque excess, and some sort of weird understanding that even though the action is great - it's already changed, and I may have been too honest too soon, but it's strange. For him, it's surely a case of digging me intellectually, and in a physically compatible way, but not in an "in love" way. And again, as I have come to accept, it is because of how I look. And understandably, this kid can rock any hottie he wants. It would be full-on Harold and Maude (or worse, Graham and Sharon-type) shit otherwise, right?
Dunno. More for the hardcopy journal, and maybe that other spot I write sometimes.
Anyway, the bite at Beth's was good, and another successful run to an old spot to purge ghosts (that's why I like Supernatural so much, is because my life in the last months has been pure demon slaying and ghost encounters). Then we cut over to Ravenna, to pick up coffee beans and, of course, beer. He wasn't gonna stay, in fact, he really needed to hit the road, but came back again anyway. We drank, set up the speakers, watched more of his, and then he finally asked to see some Doctor Who, and so we watched the first couple of episodes until his roommate called as he was getting off work to give him a ride back to the boondocks.Oh, I also did his laundry. Cause i'm like that.
Anyway, it's all a bit weird, and still silence from SG, so I suppose the worst case scenario has in fact unfolded, but, I just can't worry about it much anymore. I'm so unsure how to feel in this situation - so amazingly scared to act on my instincts, unless all my barriers are down via chemicals, which isn't making stuff better, ultimately. Anyway, back to work tomorrow finally.
Oh, and got the job offer from GMB at new place with benefits, 401k, and a raise of a buck and a half, but i'm just not into fucking changing jobs again, starting over again. being in a closed kitchen, again. So, i'm gonna piss him off and say no. But I just want the crazy autonomy of what i've got now, cause i think i can grow it once i get a routine down. Routine. And what would help that? yeah, not partying until 6am with the busboy.
Crap.

what goes around...

“Now so many stories never get told. Why? Because people are scared to tell them. It’s one thing to show off faded Slayer tattoos and pass around photos of yourself in a different stage of life, wearing an Army uniform or wedding dress. But if your old stories and pictures are punk, everyone runs the other way. “Oh no,” they say. “Not another jaded blowhard talking about the good old days.” It’s sad because for some of us it’s impossible to talk about our personal history without talking about the past, and punk.”

—	Aaron Cometbus, from Cometbus #45