For a minute there, I saw daylight. Went to the 'Nats show as a final live show in a populated area before begining the long, cold, isolation excercise that has become my month east before heading south. It was a good show, though I took *Courtney* with, as she was the only person willing to brave the Croc on a Thursday. So that was kind of a drag, but it went okya, because after a couple of mixed signals, I coughed up the courage to approach SingerGuy and to make contact and it was good, and positive, and led to a sprited email exchange which naturally came to a screeching halt as soon as i mentioned the hurling/ridicule part of our night together. Damn MCWDITW, swear. And now I'm going back and forth about emailing a follow-up, but am certain that if i email it will look even more pathetic and desperate, so i guess i just leave it like i leave everything else. i mean, what to do? didn't go to the xmas party show as i was here in exile. am struggling with SMRGE and my feelings about this seperation. I want so much to be civil and understanding, but everywhere around me is anger at him. I don't even know really if i DO want to ever get together again, because ultimately, even if we do have so much in common - he's lying to me about receiving my emails and probably about the letters too - and i can't confront him about it, because, well a) im not supposed to know this and b) what's the point, beyond: hey he's lying to you to remove the responsibility of writing to you so THINK about that goof.
yeah. think about it. it's hard not to when it's all you've got time to do.
right. i lost my focus this weekend, ate enough to see on the scale (ulp) and so i need to get back into the zone.
also, the Eugene contingent is scary and rabid and a little troubling, but i'll bring it up with ken so that nothing is a huge suprose. he'll understand a quick SMRGE-reduction excercise - though if Xmas goes as i expect (will it? will anything go as planned ever again?) then i might not want to wipe that away - just like i didn't want UberEx to be the last taste in my mouth, i dunno if i want the Mistake I Made re:drummer in rad band i could have been with in seattle to be the last one i make.
y'know, writing in code blows. i don't know if i use the names if it will get hits, but after the diaryland escapade i'm scared.
ok, more blather later.

Woo, I'm soaking in it! Yeah. Not all that happy yet to be back in the pool of uncertainty, but paddling along nonetheless...and about ready to cuddle up to the new 'Nats cd for a good long time - it's definitely going to be the soundtrack for my transition. Painful, bittersweet, all of that. They play on the 21st (or sometime that weekend) and i think i would like to make that my last live show for a while - sure it'd be nice if it were a Juno show, but that isn't going to happen, so I'll go for the next best thing, possible collisions with the past be damned. I need to hear those new songs live. Then move on.
It's so hard for me right now, and as much as i want to talk to the people around me who care - my mom, k&k, my brother (well both of them, it appears - who knew mark would care so much? i bet he'd pound SMRHE into the ground if i said the word...weird) - but right now - i just feel so deeply sad. this is all such a bad move, but in my heart i knew there were big problems, and his constant declarations of unconditional love...weren't. And mine? mine were - at least as far as made to the person i thought he was. but now - and god, i hate that it's such a goddamn cliche...but it wasn't what i thought it was. i had clues, but ignored them, and in so doing, let a lot of this shit happen. i knew his heart is lost to the past (is mine?)...maybe we ARE too much alike to be able to function as a unit. I think we are going to have to get a divorce and that kills me. i knew it. knew it, knew it.
so sad. confused, and most of all: tired. i need a month off again. and then, it all starts new. again.
i am so very tired of reinventing my life. why can't i just be...just be. one last appointment (probably) with dr.s today, and then who knows what happens next.

So, yeah, it's really going to happen. Yikes. Meanwhile, let's commence with the Five:

1. What food do you like that most people hate?
Most people...tough, 'cause i like lots of things, but the thing that usually gets the most attention is eating whole tomatos like apples, i guess. i also quite like wasabi, but loads of people do now.

2. What food do you hate that most people love?
I am not a big fan of corn, except as a very fresh ear, or as polenta. Bot kernal corn - ick.

3. What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you?
Yeah, I'm not getting Justin Timberlake. He looks like Screech to me.


4. What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find
attractive?
Gosh, I dunno - Kevin Smith?


5. What popular trend baffles you?
The girls wearing their thong underwear out above the pants...don't get that or the whole belly hanging over everywhere thing.

Well, this very well may come alive yet, as i'm about to launch myself, once again into a new life, courtesy of the Slightly-Less-Rockin'-Than-I-Thought-Husband-Ever's realization that he needs to go relive his nightmare of 10 years ago and try to change the result. I, having nursed him through 3 years of self-examination and attempts at helping fix the situation, just can't go along with the program this time. thus, he will be staying in this city, and i will hit the road. first to ellensburg, to give some facetime to my mom through the holidays, and then headin' south to Fresno to enjoy the sun and fun of actually living in a place where i've got some real, non-substance abusing friends. woohoo. maybe back to school. maybe just another graphics job, but either way, i'm pulling up the stakes, packing the tent and hauling the dog&ponytail show back on the road dammit. i've been here too long anyway. truth be told, i really did have delusions of doing this with my husband, but cest la vie, yeah?
so on to the pointless drivel:
1. What was your first Halloween costume?
Photographic evidence reaveals woody woodpecker, or possibly a bizarre fairy-ish get up, depending on the age of the photos. earlier than that, i have no recollection of, and my parents didn't go in for putting babies in costume.

2. What was your best costume and why?
I was Hobbes, and Mike was Calvin. It was perfect (though i was a bit of a rounder hobbes than one might envision) because it fit our demeanors and physical appearance (except mike was taller, but otherwise it worked) and i made my tiger suit: i dyed a union suit orange and painted stripes on it, and then did a little makeup thing with my face - i think the only fucked up part was the ears - i don't think i had the ears going on, but it was great fun. i even stuffed and made a tail, and had the best time frolicking about the party (a party full of senate interns, it ruled!) more tigger than hobbes by the end of the evening.

3. Did you ever play a trick on someone who didn't give you a treat?
No. But my brother was all about that.

4. Do you have any Halloween traditions? (ie: Family pumpkin carving, special dinner before trick or treating, etc.)
tend to avoid it altogether now.

5. Share your favorite scary story...real or legend!
hurmpph. don't really have one.

There's gotta be more to this than just knee-jerk reactions to theFriday Five yeah? Maybe. Maybe not. Still trying to finesse that part. Still trying...so much to say, especially after reading some Noam Chomsky and stuff - getting the gears churning. Ideas need energy and time though. We'll try for that this weekend...until then:
1. Name five things in your refrigerator.
leftover tomato soup
leftover parmesan garlic soup
capers
diet coke
cheese (three types!)

2. Name five things in your freezer.
ice
french fries
pizza dough
pies
mochi!

3. Name five things under your kitchen sink.
trash can
dog food
comet cleanser
murky stuff in the back....

4. Name five things around your computer.
lupe
coffee thermos - almost empty :(
plastic lizard with a girls head on a string
crazy clown figure
lisa simpson under a dome


5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet.
bandaids
wax
dog meds
smrhe's meds
baby powder

Just for fun, and because if i start a rant about the election in California it will just devolve into making me angry, and well, no one reads this anyway, so i posted it at the journal that still might get some hits...so yeah. here's a quickie Five:
1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones?
Occasionally. I usually get caught up in tennis, baseball and lately, now that it gets airtime, skateboarding and bmxing. Horse racing, but it doesn't get broadcast much. I've been to the track a few times, but i'm not much of a gambler so it gets old quick. Also, sometimes, i'll leave a weekend golf match on if Tiger is doing well, or they are playing in some messed up wind or something....

2. What/who are your favorite sports teams and/or favorite athletes?
I am a John McEnroe fan from waaaaaaaaaaaaay back. Still. Team sports don't really rock my world, but i have a soft spot for underdogs, so i like the Cubs and locally the mishap-ridden Seahawks and Sonics amuse me. I also have an affection for jockey Steve Cauthen, who rode my all-time favorite sports event: the Affirmed/Alydar Kentucky Derby. Oh, and i followed Boom-boom Mancini as a kid too. WEird.

3. Are there any sports you hate?
I generally kinda hate all team sports, cause i think they engender a herd mentality that's not constructive. Auto racing kinda mystifies me. Gymnastics and ice skating are pretty irritating as "sports".

4. Have you ever been to a sports event?
Sure. Best ever: John Mc Enroe vs. Jimmy Conners with my dad. That fully ruled.

5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play?
Nope. I liked basketball as a kid, but had no discipline. I was briefly considering softball as a teenager, but bailed. I'm not much of a joiner as far as that goes.

Generally, i don't like to talk about dreams, cause i'm one of those types who is pretty damn sure that no one wants to hear about your dreams (unless they were in it, in which case, it's still probably not something that you want to hear) - but since i haven't been keeping a paper journal for almost a frigging year now (sporadically, but nothing like i used to) where i usually scribble little reminders about them, just so that years from now i can go "wow, how funny that that is what was on my mind back then". So in that vein: note to self, 2 dreams of note in this time of working 5-3 with serious marital insomnia.
1) the croat makes an appearance of an amourous nature, but in another one of the almost serial "had no idea i was so into YOU' way. yum.
2) the B makes somes to me in my dream and once again tells me to knock off the bullshit. this time at some sort of parent-teacher thing (though whose parent i was i'm not sure. it may have been the Urchin, but not clear) and he came up to me in the back row, either with a skateboard or on his way to skate, and told me i had no business worrying about this shit.
i think anyway. i woke up feeling distinctly chagrined.
thanks b-bob.

Never got back to last weeks question, not that anyone is reading this but me later...but still. I have ideas, but it always comes down to Friday

1. Who is your favorite singer/musician? Why?
Such a hard question - especially now. But I think it still is Kevin Seconds - and not just because of the music he makes (alone and with 7Seconds) but also for the life he's chosen to make with it, which is pretty damn awesome.
I'm also quite fond lately of Jeff Tweedy, in all his incarnations band-wise. Definitely musically one of the most interesting guys creating stuff right now.

2. What one singer/musician can you not stand? Why?
Oh, sooo many. But Kid Rock. I just plain do not get that. At all. I get Limp Biscuit, but I don't get Kid Rock. But there are soooo, sooo many others. Mostly anyone who sings to backing tracks and doesn't make any of the music themselves - those are the ones I really have a low tolerence for. It seems pretty fucking insulting to the listener, like you'd need eye candy to listen to anything good.

3. If your favorite singer wasn't in the music business, do you think you would still like him/her as a person?
Well, Kevsecs probably isn't really in the business, but if he weren't I think I'd definitely like him as a person, maybe even more (would totally depend on how much more jock-ish he'd get, I suppose. Maybe punk rock saved him from a life of team sports and high fives.

4. Have you been to any concerts? If yes, who put on the best show?
Yes, plenty. Best by far: the Gits. Mia, Steve, Matt and Andy = best band anywhere.
Also pretty damn cool: Juno.

5. What are your thoughts on downloading free music online vs. purchasing albums? Do you feel the RIAA is right in its pursuit to stop people from dowloading free music?
I think I like liner notes and album covers, but you can't really appreciate that in the cd format, so I'm torn. If I could still GET LPs I'd say why bother with crap mp3s. You should buy albums from the bands - that's why I dig punk rock. Anyway, basically I think that albums should be bought - but that you should be able to download songs to listen to, because there are soooo many sucky bands that it's just not feasible to expect people to cough up $20 for a cd by a band they've only heard one song from. I don't think mp3s are high enough quality to pay for personally, nor are they user-friendly (for most people) so if I dig a band, I buy the album (but I try and get it used or real cheap). Best answer to this question: stupid record companies simply lower the price of cds to a more managable 8 bux. Cds would fly off shelves - but it's almost too late for that now. I think the RIAA is chopping off it's own hands by suing it's potential customer base. You cannot legislate the kind of conumerism they want. Forcing people to create new ways to steal music is all you're gonna do by taking legal action. I once wrote a rant about Metallica regarding their little threats on the downloading issue. What I said then
Bad Metal Band - No Biscuit! holds true still for me.

1. Is the name you have now the same name that's on your birth certificate? If not, what's changed?

2. If you could change your name (first, middle and/or last), what would it be?

3. Why were you named what you were? (Is there a story behind it? Who specifically was responsible for naming you?)

4. Are there any names you really hate or love? What are they and why?

5. Is the analysis of your name at kabalarians.com / triggur.org / astroexpert accurate? How or how isn't it?

1. What housekeeping chore(s) do you hate doing the most?
i dislike the bathroom. always have.

2. Are there any that you like or don't mind doing?
dishes. the kitchen is ok. though i'm not a huge fan of the refrigerator. (cleaning i mean. i dig cold storage for food)

3. Do you have a routine throughout the week or just clean as it's needed?
kind of a routine, but SMRHE does the house stuff (vacuum, sweep, etc) about once a week. kitchen every night. the rest, is as-needed.

4. Do you have any odd cleaning/housekeeping quirks or rules?
i freak out about grease on handles, and i'm a bit of a freak about how the silverware should go in (handle down, not headfirst - icky). oh, and i hate wadded up wet towels and washclothes - i have an issue with mold.

5. What was the last thing you cleaned?
animals water bowl this morning.

not a good week - though several times i've wanted to just pound out some words about repeated dreams involving the Ex, weirding me out as it's happened at least 3 nights in a row now (WTF? we're supposed to go see the band play tomorrow, so maybe it's all this dread about seeing that? i don't think i've ever seen them play minus me...deep, deep trauma) and then all the repeated listens of the cool 'nats song - and that makes me think about S more than i should...and up soon is b-shoot and as per usual, since i've had the pentultimate b-shoot experience with him i'm almost sure to be all moony on monday. and also there's certainly a chance i could see him as well - as it'll be wilco we go for and surely (though i'm sure he's seen them many times before, i can't imagine he'll pass up the chance to see them with rem too) they'll be in there...somewhere.
on that poignant note (hee!)
1. Are you going to school this year?
gosh, i've thought about it: culinary school. or trying to get a substitute teaching job. or even just a night class in writing or something. but i'm not signed up at all - cause it costs money. which we don't have.

2. If yes, where are you going (high school, college, etc.)? If no, when did you graduate?
no. graduated high school in the fine Orwellian year of 1984. Good year, turns out. I left college in '88.

3. What are/were your favorite school subjects?
English, history and electives, of course. Especially: t.a. in library and a/v (seriously!) in jr high; paperstaff and photography in highschool.
college? dug almost all my classes - except for the damn math. but that's cause i picked what i wanted to take. LOVED my anthropology classes and almost changed my major. also thoroughly enjoyed african politics and the anarchism seminar!

4. What are/were your least favorite school subjects?
math and science, but i lay blame with teachers on that. killed my interest, and not one person EVER mentioned what you could DO with a biology degree (like study marine life and shit).

5. Have you ever had a favorite teacher? Why was he/she a favorite?
Several favorites - starting with Mr Brunnar in 5th grade (he built my self confidence), then Mr Gray in jr high (again with the independant spirit and appreciation for wit and effort), and though neither of them probably even remember me, Mr Hill and Dahlquist in high school, for encouraging my interest in the world outside high school.
no female teachers - except Ms Atkins in jr high, her strength, power and abilty to articulate resonated in me, though she and i weren't especially close either.
other females? nope, not really. didn't really get into female role models ironically.

link, though i never post there...

1. When was the last time you laughed?
watching bowling for columbine, actually - the frigging south park history cartoon plus the crazy nichols man makes me laugh in between thoughful crying bits.
and the husband made me laugh out loud the other day. the dog makes me smile everyday.

2. Who was the last person you had an argument with?
husband, but it wasn't a big arguement. i had a disagreement with a salesperson at work yesterday, that almost qualified as an arguement - after repeating myself 4 times, i was on the verge of yelling at her stupid, dyed-to-cover-the-grey-blonde head.

3. Who was the last person you emailed?
eh, work: my customer service guru.
personal: debra. no one emails me much anymore.

4. When was the last time you bathed?
5:45 this morning. shower. i haven't had a bath in a couple months. i don't really like baths.

5. What was the last thing you ate?
oh, man, the new carmel apple flavor Luna bar. yummy.

boring, boring, boring.
there. that said, now here is where i would ramble aimlessly about all the junk that's rumbling through my head about the usual suspects...but won't cause that's boring too. considered actually calling a career advisor today. might still get around to doing it.
culinary school. that's what i'm thinking.
i mean, if i'm going to work to make people happy, under deadline pressure, then, shouldn't i be cooking instead of desperately trying to make machines do shit they aren't built to do? right. i mean, it'll be a shame i don't make cards anymore, but oh well...
or something like that.
five.
1. How much time do you spend online each day?
too much. added up - probably close to half my workday is spent online, save for the occasional (very occasionsl) days when i'm actually too busy to gon online. but generally, at least 4 hours worth of on-net time.

2. What is your browser homepage set to?
google.

3. Do you use any instant messaging programs? If so, which one(s)?
briefly used messenger and also that AOL mess, but i don't have enough buddies to be worthwhile, so i bailed on that aspect of online life.

4. Where was your first webpage located?
Microsoft's homepages, followed almost immediately by a diaryland site.
But Hopeyland was the first. There was an Agent 86 page too, that was really groovy, but when Microsloth killed their webpages, i hadn't backed any of it up (not that i had much idea how to at the time) and so it's all lost to the ether now.

5. How long have you had your current website?
My blogpage is about a year old i think. if the d-land one is considered "current" then about 4 years or so.

Some Five action, and then, maybe, more.

1. What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home state/country?
Golly, guess that has to be Portland, if we're talking home state (ack, how sad is that?) if we're talking country, then it's Iceland, but that was a decade ago. *sigh*

2. What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling?
Ooooh, let's go with waking up at the Serbian border, in a bus full of Norwegians as they discover that the 4-foot tall plants by the side of the road are, indeed, cannibis.
Or on that note: Serbian host telling me either a) "Would you like to see my kilo?" or b) "don't mind that guy, he's just a vetran from the war in Afghanistan, he's really fucked up".
There's more, of course. Like the old trucker who pulled over when we had a flat to let us use his compressor to pump our flat up.
The convenience store clerk outside of Sturgis muttering "Now I know why tigers eat their young." at us while we stood in line with filthy bikers. Soooo many options.


3. If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go?
All over...I'd start with hauling SMRHE to France, so he can smoke in public places, and meet up with Yann. Then to Slovenia, to show him pretty, and calm. Then Italy, to meet up with Adam, then Portugal, to lay by the sea, Spain to eat some Basque stuff, Bordeaux for oldtimes sake, Netherlands for SMRHE, and then I'd get going on places I haven't been. Prague, the Baltics, Turkey, then Tibet. Yeah, Tibet. Maybe some time in South America, like Costa Rica or something. I'd travel forever if I could.

4. Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car?
Crap. Car, I guess. I like to be able to get out wherever I want. Train is nice for speed and efficiency, but forget planes. Boring. Only to keep traveltimes within limits. If time were no object, a boat would be kinda cool. Sailing around the world would be interesting, though SMRHE wouldn't be down with that.

5. What's the next place on your list to visit?
See above, though what's on tap is a vist to lovely Fresno, California.

Get it? drum up enough nerve.
So darned witty.
Now if I could just remember the name of that guy I worked with at Tower with the crazy wild hair who I thought of when I saw a guy on the bus yesterday with the same crazed Einstien (but younger) hair...Dave something....gah.
And uhm, yeah. At a loss for what to write, yet thinking about writing constantly, what can that possibly mean?
Lazy?

Hi J,
Hey, M here (yer ex-drummer's ex-friend, and uh, y'know, stuff...) and I just yesterday got around to listening to "Golden" and the other stuff you guys have up at MP3.com, and just wanted to take a minute to tell you that I think that song is flat-out fantastic.
Seriously, the only thing I've heard recently that has caught my attention like that was recent Wilco, or locally, Juno...anyway, thanks for sharing your music, and I'm looking forward to hearing more new stuff.
Take care,
:)m
(not quite so punk rock anymore)

i just can't seem to drum up the nerve to send it directly, so i'll just post it. no one gets here anyway, right?

Finally:
1. What time do you wake up on weekday mornings?
5am(ish)

2. Do you sleep in on the weekends? How late?
As much and as often as possible - usually until about 9 or so - lately The Single Most Rocking Husband Ever has even been taking it upon himself to fill a nice thermos of fresh coffee for me so I don't have to swill the end of the pot he makes first thing...sooo sweet.

3. Aside from waking up, what is the first thing you do in the morning?
Walk the pup. Ok, first I get dressed then walk the dog, then make coffee, shower, make lunch, dress, then hair & makeup.

4. How long does it take to get ready for your day?
Approximately 45 minutes, including the dog's walk around the block.

5. When possible, what is your favorite place to go for breakfast?
I don't have a favorite place - generally I like breakfast at home. But, anywhere with good coffee (not Starbuck$) and nice sweets - muffins, etc will do. I'm also a sucker for hash browns - but am too lazy to actually get out of the house to purchase them. Me & TSMRHE dig pancakes at home, about 11am on a Sunday most of all.
Nope, we don't read the NYT in bed. Though it's a lovely fantasy....

"I am mindful that we're all sinners and I caution those who may try to take a speck out of the neighbor's eye when they got a log in their own," the president said. "I think it is important for our society to respect each individual, to welcome those with good hearts."

agh. is it really too much to ask that a president of the united states of america, however retrograde in his thinking he is, be able to speak his native language with some small bit of ablility?
seriously.

I don't remember where I read it - but it stuck with me: no one, seriously, NO ONE wants to hear you talk about your dream. Unless they were in it. In which case you probably don't want to tell them (unless it's your Rocking Husband, who delights in telling you about the fucked up adventures you seem to have in his subconcious, and even then, it's a bit tiresome) about it. Seems like i see more and more blogs detailing the dreams of their owners. Check it out people: not crucial. People want to hear about your reali-life (which is always more interesting than made-up shit anyway). Ack.
Ok. More later.

Five:

1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be?
What now?

2. What songs would be on the soundtrack?
certainly some 7seconds, some Jawbreaker, a couple of Nick Drake songs, and of course, some Gits fro the really intense parts.

3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?
Very grainy 16mm. Black and white. Because everything looks better that way.

4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc?
Janeane Garafalo as me, Ed Norton as SMRHE and, ahhhh, Phillip Seymore Hoffman as Mike. Yesss!

5. Describe the movie preview/trailer.
hrmm. need to think on that.

1. When was the last time you cheated?
Cheated. Hurmph. Depends on what we're talking about - but as far as a test, it would certainly be high school. But other cheating? I've never cehated on a mate (but that's because until now, I had never pledged my monogamy to anyone. and no one had ever asked it of me). I've cheated by maybe using the carpool lane when I was alone and in a hurry - something like that, which was a year or two ago.

2. When was the last time you stole?
Yeah, last week. I mean, did i take something that i didn't purchase and use it for myself? yeah. but office supplies are so damn expensive!!

3. When was the last time you lied?
Monday.

4. When was the last time you broke or vandalized another's property?
Sometime in DC (so like '90, or '91), I think - when I was slapping pro-choice stickers on cars displaying anti-choice stickers.

5. When was the last time you hurt a loved one?
Hrmm. I think maybe sometime last year.

why are they still letting Dubya speak? it's humiliating and sad to hear the president of the untied states of america, formerly one of the most influential and successful countries on the planet, sputter and jabber, while two feet away, a man who leads the other major empire-building bad-ass country (that's GREAT Britian to you pal) speak more eloquently than Duby ever could.
i mean, it's all fucking horseshit, but once again, Tony Blair, like Bill Clinton, demonstrated that an ability to speak clearly, persuasively, and passionately, no matter WHAT your message is, will always work. Always. As Marshall McLuen said, what, 40 years ago now? It's not the message, it's the medium.
I'm horrified that Dubya pronounces America "Umuraca".
Horrified.

Someday i'm going to figure out how to migrate the diaryland stuff here. And then, maybe I'll even figure out a way to archive it (back it up) so I'll have a copy of it. Meanwhile, the Five:

1. Do you remember your first best friend? Who was it?
Yeah. My very first, very best friend was Melody Santana. I played with girls who lived next door to me, but they were mean to me generally - Teri and Leah, so i didn't ever consider them "best" friends. I was about 6 I think. Kindergarten and first grade.

2. Are you still in touch with this person?
No. We moved when I was in 4th grade - I don't even remember if I wrote her letters or not. Probably not. Man, I remember going to her house though - it was full of people. She had a lot of brothers and sisters and lived pretty close to school (the opposite direction home from me).

3. Do you have a current close friend?
hell yeah. i mean, obviously there is the SMRHE, but then above and beyond the call of duty, is Karen.

4. How did you become friends with this person?
5th grade. She moved into the small hick town the summer after I did, so we were both basically new together. Plus we were geeky, and gifted, so we were paired up almost immediately. I don't remember exactly what brought us together - I think it was our teacher, Mr Brunnar - he paired us up for a project I think.

5. Is there a friend from your past that you wish you were still in contact with? Why?
Agh, so many. I often wish I still was in contact with Sam from Winnipeg, and then of course The Slovenian, and, uhm...well, Linda, who I worked with at Common Concerns...I dunno...so many friends. I never see Charles anymore, and miss him. I miss Danny from Eugene too. Agh. Sad.

How funny. Last weeks Five was about childrens books, and after reading some other posts (i totally forgot to link mine, but ah well) - there are SO many books I loved as a kid that I had forgotten about. The writer who recently died - the one who wrote a book about a duckling that I don't remember, but he also wrote one about a kid named Homer, and a doghnut making machine - I loved that book! And this morning - the book about Fredrick the mouse - with beautiful illustrations in collages. I had completely forgotten about that book - but I loved it too. I had tons of kids books because my grandmother, and elementary school teacher who retired just about the time I was born had stockpiled tons of them, plus my aunt, who was a school sceretary forever as well, also passed literally hundreds of books on to me (I wanted to say us, but my brothers ignored most of them).

Just start writing. This morning, gore-o-rama: two seagulls dragging a dead sparrow (or some similar-sized grey-brown bird) around, one of them pciking at it, then dragging it away from the other one who was doing the vulture thing where he remained just out of pecking distance, but close enough that if the other seagull got distracted he could easily snag the carcass. It looked like a fresh kill - or at least the open wound. Maybe the sparrow had been dead for a while. Did the gulls kill it? it didn't look smashed, so I'm thinking it wasn't hit by a car. Maybe poisoned? Bad dim sum? Eech.
Want to describe my morning, because i think that's a good practice, but want to get to other stuff this morning. Yesterday, at Dr. S's - good, but weird. I'm still avoiding the bulk of the trouble, and when she bunchs up her face, I can tell she knows I'm avoiding - but she's good at keeping the ball rolling with what I do give her. Yesterday, there was mcuh talk about the voices in my head and how hard tehy are to please. To the point of me avoiding shit in order not to fuck it up. But see, that still doesn't reconcile how I fuck shit up knowingly (like with MCWGITW - I quite clearly remember thinking to myself You shouldn't make this call. You know it will end. " But also thinking that I had nothing to lose, 'cause he was a done deal anyway. Married. Wonder how married life is treating him.) And all the stuff with Darren. Had forgotten a lot of that (though not the good parts. But the not-so-good parts, yeah, let those slip away.) Reading old journals - destructive? I often think so, but then, now, when I look at how chaotic things were (hard to beleive there was so much going on because it felt dead, or normal? or something) and how sad it all made me. I dunno. It's frustrating and sad - all that attention, but I drove it away somehow. Attributing it all to ugliness seems almost too easy now. But it's so hard to tell. Eventually i'm gonna have to talk about it. Not looking forward to that session at all.

Just not happenin' for me...and looking backwards isn't doing me much good either, but y'know, cest la vie and all...
Give the Five a go I guess:
1. What were your favorite childhood stories?
As a little kid - I dug Clifford and a lot of books my grandmother gave me (she was a teacher), plus stuff like "Heidi" and the "Secret Garden" (though I hated the ending of both books).
As far as books I chose go, I was hugely devoted to Harriet the Spy, The Three Investigators, and a series about a racehorse called Sunbonnet. though, really, I read just about everything I could get my paws on.
My favorite family stories were the ones my Mom told about the summers she spent in Oceanside.

2. What books from your childhood would you like to share with [your] children?
See above. Oh, and the Judy Blume books "Are You There God?" and uhm, "Blubber" and of course, "Forever".

3. Have you re-read any of those childhood stories and been surprised by anything?
I re-read some of "Harriet" when Justice was reading it, and was just as impressed now as I was then, though now, I see so much more of the stereotyping in it. Not bad - but the New York stuff, and of course, Harriet being the uber-Tomboy/Dyke. Heh. I always wondered where "it" came from.

4. How old were you when you first learned to read?
Dunno - I can't honestly remember not being able to read. So early - maybe 2 or so?

5. Do you remember the first 'grown-up' book you read? How old were you?
Jeez. I think it was probably the books by John Jakes - the trilogy that came out at the bicentennial - "The Bastard" etc (later made into a mini-series) that my grandmother had on the shelf in her bedroom. I read them while staying with her. It could have been something else - maybe like the "Thorn Birds" or "Coal Miner's Daughter" (you get the general feel for when I read it though - somewhere about 8 or 9 years old) or something - but that's the first thing I remember reading that was "adult". I was reading all the time though, so it could have really been anything.

What's it gonna take? I've got more time at work than I know what to do with, and yet nothing is coming from it...save an incredible amount of frustration. Carp. Crap. Whatever. Yesterday - agh. Even the day to day stuff jsut doesn't do it for me. Making a booklet doesn't do it for me. can't write a review. Agh. Agh. Agh.

Sheesh. Then Katharine Hepburn dies, and I stand by and wonder what will be left. Well, it's not quite that dire, but certainly, if there was one actress who, in my formative youth, really convinced me that I would find a place in the world (rightfully, or by virtue of some other twist of fate) it was her. Loved that woman, loved her in her trousers, her fiesty nature, her ultimate giving in to Spencer Tracy that belied her vicious streak. Something in her performances always struck me. And somehow, it was just really nice knowing she was still around, even if you never saw her in the media. Ah well. She won't be forgotten, that's for sure.
Check out Mopey's big ol' writer's block. Can't even scavange together a writing sample for a position at a local newsweekly. Lame, lame, lame. Haven't tried too hard though, and the suckiest thing is that I had thought about just writing up a review of a restraunt just to have, and if I had done that, I could have just fired it off. But No. I didn't. Let's see if the therapist can get that shit cleared up in my head. So far there's been no progress there. I mean on the motivation part. Communication has improved I think. And I feel generally better about myself. But there's still much work to do. What to do about all the ideas that cross my mind? Things that a couple of years ago I would have blogged my bloody head off about, but now, it all seems trite.
Gee, maybe it IS all trite.

Oh, yeah. So it's been a good week for a lot of stuff, but this monring's news that Strom Thurmond, america's foremost racist, misogynist, all around culture-Nazi has finally shuffled off this mortal coil gives me, not joy, but a sense that at least another nail in the coffin of the past is gone. Frigging that man sat and did damage in Congress for far too long. They all sit for far too long, it seems, unless they're good, and then they die in plane crashes.
And how pissed off is Dubya that the Supreme Court upheld the right of two consenting adults to have sex together behind closed doors, for crying out loud? Heee! Seriously, it's not too terribly (though Justice Scalia disagrees and feels that the Court was catering to the Homosexual Agenda, whatever paranoid fantasy that is) daring to say: yeah, you know what, civil rights do extend into the bedroom, especially in light of some retard state keeping laws on the books that legislate that sort of stuff. Crap. Anyone with any interest in personal privacy (and that should be EVERYONE) should be making a lot of noise pro-this decision. Seriously. You folk who say "I've got nothing to hide, so what do I care?' Yeah, you've got nothing to hide NOW, but jsut wait: if Ashcroft has his way, we'll ALL have something to hide. Take that to the (grossly overcharging) bank.

Argh! Something has been lost in the translation. But I suppose it's doing the job, so okay.
I put up some of the posters - and this morning I noticed someone had written "Amen!" on the one that said "Where are the weapons of mass destruction?" It makes me really want to put the rest up now. that will be my project this weekend, since it's free. I'm (we're) so poor for the next month or so, it's bad. If we didn't have a car payment, it would sure be nice. If we didn't see three doctors each, that'd help too. If i didn't owe two courts, 6 cards and various other people money (my mom, karen and ken) that'd be nice too. what the hell will happen to us when (if) we get old? I guess I just bank on that karen will adopt me, or something. fuck that. how bout something trivial, and diverting? the Five:
1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]?
The usual: working, trying to get smaller, therapy. Woohoo!
Growing tomatos, reading a lot. It's free, y'know?

2. What was your first summer job?
Babysitting all day for Jesse & Eric. I had to be there from 6am, until 4pm or so. I had to feed 'em, and keep them from killing each other. It payed well. I liked their mom, Paula, a lot. Watched a lot of MTV (it's first year on the air) and Love Boat.
The fact that Jesse was only 3 years younger than me (and a pal of my brother's) was, and is a source of great amusement to all who know us. Jesse, later to become a star bartender locally, would hail my entrance to his bar with a loud declaration that "All my babysitters drink for free tonight!!"
(cure laughter)
Now though, due to a bad call on my part, we don't talk. I should call him and apologize I guess. But he said some stupid shit. But then, who doesn't? people make mistakes.

3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go?
EUROPE.
Italy, France, Sloivenia, Spain, Portugal.

4. What was your worst vacation ever?
Wow, haven't really had a "worst" vacation, as I don't really take them. But the cancelled trip to Ashland that me and SMRHE and I spent at home with me altering Nature's course sucked in whole new ways.


5. What was your best vacation ever?
Mike and I had a good time in Jamaica (after the bad drug deal). I enjoyed Europe, though it wasn't a vacation. SMRHE and I haven't been on a vacation yet. Scott and I driving across the US was kinda cool, though I was toast most of the time.
Yeah. Most of my vacation-y things.,....ohMYgawd. Hopey and I at Long Beach: that was the best vacation (only real one) EVER! Yeah.

Seriously, my ultimate guilty pleasure is indulging in late 80's-early 90's U2. It triggers the most pleasant feelings in me. WEirdly so in most instances, as that was such a chaotic time for me personally, but of course, that's got to be it: I was so busy living that the music is the keynote (keynote? what the hell am I saying?) keystone of that time. It was the most calming influence in my gung-ho debauchery days of Yore. Or something.
Or something. That should be the name of the book right there. And the whole thing might have to be written to the greatest hits (volume one of course, because by volume two i was long past using U2 to satisfy anything. and well - with the exception of say 3 songs on Achtung, what the hell else was worthwhile? that lemon/mcfly/crazy-beyond-Bowie shit was out of control, and when Edge abandoned his guitar, it all went to crap. Even the pentultimate drummer LMJ can't save that synthy pop. yeah. proof? check out the record sales, and which ones can you find used? hrm? see?)
Right. So, finsihed (just about) FAst Food Nation, and just like Diet for a Small Planet, and several other books about the food insustry, not to mention just common knowlege-based observations (Jeezus, people eat that Mc Donalds shit on purpose?) that I've gained over a quarter century of life lived paying way too much attention to detail. It's a good, somewhat saddening (if you care about the decline of American civilization, as I do) book. Plus, it brings to light one thing that's pissed me off for years, but really, really eats (heh, eats) at me right now as I try and make myself smaller in a realistic manner so that I might maintain forever instead of back and forth and back and forth: but here it is - I don't eat shit. I don't eat fast food on any even semi-sorta regular basis. Once every 6 months, maybe I'll get some fries when SMRHE determines he must have a cheeseburger and we're on the road and my desire to keep a forward trajectory trumps real shopping/eating. But seriously. I cook every night. Almost always good, solid stuff, from scratch. It drives me nuts to be fat and it's not Big Gulps doing it to me. It's not my diet. I used to think it was quantity too, but even that doesn't seem to make a difference. I really truly believe my metablolism if fucked from all the speed and coke. I have never been able to just drop weight by not eating. It doesn't work. Even not eating + excercise, still limits my loss (like now - I've been on the same plateau for 6 weeks, it's killing me.)

So, if you were a really pricey psychologist, and your patient started talking about serious money issues, would you cut them loose? Send them to a free (or sliding-scale) clinic? I mean, I'm sure she's good as long as I have my stuff covered by insurance, but i feel weird going in there today and basically admitting that the thing that's really, seriously bumming me out hard is the lack of money, and the lack of help i'm getting from SMRHE (whose not so rocking in this light) on the issue of money. it's all me, and even though he offers to help, how can he when everything is in my name? crap. plus, he misses so much work, it takes a huge toll on our financial well-being.
Agh. Sucky. And it's gonna rack me all day. But what other option would I have? Even if I was still writing payments, I couldn't pay them all anyway. It's just...shit is gonna blow for a while. It seems liek things have sucked forever now.
Bad choices. Like buying that book at the "cheapest" but then bouncing the check, so it ended up costing $30 instead of $7. Which is beyond lame. I didn't NEED it, and well...i've got serious money issues. Obviously.
Need to find a shoebox full of money.

Now, with the trivial aside. I can get to some meat:
"It’s only mildly reassuring to know that dissent exists in the States; its ability to counter the effects corporate greed seems to be dwindling near daily."
This, written by a Canadian living and working in France, is part of a lovely essay at her blog.
It strikes a chord in me, because I've only recently really started examining how exceedingly pissed off, disappointed, and saddened I am byt the country that I was born in. I would very much welcome being shipped out. Seriously. If France would take me, allow me to work, give me asylum, perhaps? I'd go. The rest of the world is correct: the majority of americans obviously don't give a flying fuck about anything other than their OWN personal comfort. And those of us who DO CARE can't do jack to change the minds of the hulking (literally) masses. Sure I can use my "power" and "right" of "free speech" but when no one fundemantally cares, what point is there? Worse, when every person in our "representative" government is bought and paid for by corporations (of which I don't patronize except in the most cursory ways, (yeah, I occasionally buy a diet pepsi or coke. But not every day, and not religiously. i drink water.)
Anyway. My point is, I was motivated for almost 15 minutes about 2 weeks ago. to poster, to help get the word out. But ultimately, as I hear reports of high school seniors tanking the easiest of comprehension tests, and the rest of the world noticing, I worry. And I am sad. and i no longer think i have the answer. or even an idea that will help. i truly believe it's gonna have to get a lot worse before it gets better, and i don't think the planet can survive getting worse.

In the interest of continuity, the Five:

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?
It wants to be curley, but i blow it into semi-submission every damn day. It's mid-long, hitting my shoulders at the moment. It's also thin. See next question.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?
It has gotten thinner - just like my Dads. Ok, not quite that thin, but it resembles his in a frightening way. When i was a pup, my mom used to take me to get my hair cut, and the stylists would aww, and coo over my thick, dark curly hair. Well, it was more of a wavey thing then, and when I would cut it to say, just below my ears, it would get especially thick and healthy feeling. And then, in high school, the one time i submitted to peer pressure, I got a perm. Why someone didn't stop me, I dunno. But it fried my hair beyond recognition. I looked like a fucking poodle.
It has never recovered, and out of pure spite, I spent the 10 years after high school punishing my hair. I am naturally a dark chesnut-hued gal. I bleached my hair blonde (yeah, like Madonna-blonde) for 10 years. Myself. Using all the worst tricks (bags on the head, 90 proof developer, the works). Bad. I'm expecting to be an old lady with the cropped-hair thing by the time I'm 50.

3. How do your normally wear your hair?
Uh, blow dry & go. I pull it back if I'm cooking or working out, or it's really hot, but otherwise, I just let it do what it will. I like to have it cut in layers, I need and crave volume, but can't cope with the Orphan Annie thing it desperately wants to do.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?
Like that chick on uhm, Will & Grace. The one who plays Grace. Or Andie McDowell. I dream that that's what my hair would have ended up like had it not been for the unfortunate perming incident.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?
Aside from the perm, there were a couple of orange, Bozo the Clown results when going for the blonde, meaning a trip to the store in a hat, and frying the hair a second time in the same evening. Pretty tragic. There was also the blue cellophane that ran all over my face when I went dancing the evening following it's appplication.

I pretty much finished the Work of Staggering Genius, and it got me sort of primed to try my little punk rock memoir (just what the world needs...maybe. hell, i'd like to believe the world is ready for a savvy ex-punk rocker to cut loose with some wacky hijinks) but as always, when i keep thinking it through, and sit to write, i stall. How to start it, after already having started it? There's a part of the Appendix that Eggers goes on about how when you write about part of your life (and I'm not clear if he is also referring to the actual publishing of the writing or of just the act of writing, but to facillitate MY needs, i'm going with B) that person you were, in a way, dies. Especially lately, since I've been thinking a lot about grieving various parts of my life, and thus, myself; it makes a certain amount of sense. The suckiest thing about it though is that having sort of purged it all, it's very difficult to go back and expand those stories and get it in a more narrative form. There was another bit of the appendix where he rambled on about the thrill of trusting people. I haven't seen anyone else mention that, and that's always been an intrinsic part of what i think is important in my story. In fact, I think that's what really got me thinking about giving writing it a go again. I've just got to get off my ass and make time when i get home. though so much of that initial writing was done under Building 8. Heh. Those were the days....

swear to kevseconds that i am not going to tell anyone when i'm happy - it just seems to send everything into the toilet. last night was brutal, and i'm bored with this whole little drama that's going on inside my house. one minute alls well, the next minute, i'm sharing the couch with a completely anti-social miscreant. whatever. not much more to say on that front.
So, then, the Five:
1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
Write that damn book.

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?
Pretty much.

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened?
Ah, well, we didn't speak for a while, but since i suspected it all along, and i liked her ultimately more than i loved him, we are still best friends. in fact, i think it made shit stronger, and we share a deeper understanding of what makes us tick. i think. Though, i guess it also compounded my feeling that you can't trust anyone. even your best friend. everyone makes mistakes. everyone.
4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?
Heidi's mountain in Switzerland, taking care of the goats. Shagging Peter. Eating cheese and bread, with a dog at my heel.

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?
This question KILLS me every time. I'd like to be able to play bass silly.

it's hard to say where to go next with this. lately when i watch my dog - i still think she's the custest dog ever, but i don't have the desire to ramble on like i used to. our new neighborhood, not so new now, is ok, but the walks are generally uneventful. i finally got all the tools to go on my postering run, so i'm hoping to do that tomorrow, or maybe saturday morning.

Quickly on these to kill time:

1. "The Munsters" or "The Addams Family"?
Munsters
2. "The Sopranos" or the "Godfather" movies?
Ooh. Sopranos at least for the moment.

3. "The Jetsons" or "Lost in Space"?
JETSONS. Frigging hate, hate, hate and do not understand the appeal of that stupid robot and Mr. Smith.

4. "Superman" or "Batman" (either the TV shows or the movies)?
Batman. Totally, all the way.

5. "Sex & The City" or "Friends"?
Friends. But if i had cable i'd probably say Sex.

6. "The Wizard of Oz" or the "Harry Potter" movies?
Jeezus, neither of those. Puke.

7. "The Simpsons" or "King of the Hill"?
Ouch. Simpsons, by a nose. That show still gets me to laugh out loud every episode. But Bobby Hill and Dale Gribble are works of pure anarchic creativity.

8. "Grease" or "Saturday Night Fever"?
Gosh. SNF, i think. though i do love that jeff conaway as keneckie.

9. Old prime-time soaps: "Dallas" or "Dynasty"?
neither. again, pukey.

10. Not very thought-provoking this week...do you prefer TV shows or movies?
Movies especially in this era of "reality" bullshit.
Though Jackass was pretty damn funny.

what to say? there's been a wave of goodwill at my house lately, and i'm digging it, but trying not to get too used to it, y'know? yeah. i still see a crow fly by and think about when i'll see one in a rosebush and know he's gone. what? jeez.
so, as i'm the last person on the planet to read Eggers' staggering work of genius - i'll just say that it's okay, and i'm enjoying reading it, but the overabundance of irony is tedious. i'm sure it played better in '99. it's funny, as he talks about '93 and what was happening - i mean that's my generation, the X'ers. Seriously, me. Only on the outside, because I was caught in the lowest=budget part of that upheaval. The trenches, if you will. So much so, I'm actually pretty resentful (though not in a Briggsonian way) that I missed out on some of the easy achievment that a lot of my compratriots enjoyed.
But I suppose that's what therapy is for.
How to get over being a punk rock young adult in the late 80's early 90's. I mean sometimes I feel like there should be a seperate section of post-traumatic-stress syndrome for those of us who were there, but didn't end up working for Adobe, MTV, or Spin magazine, y'know?

Weird - so now the post stays put until i post & publish. funny. but good to know. well it's Friday:
1. How many times have you truly been in love?
I know I'm supposed to say just once, but truth be told, i do think it's twice.
First with the mostcrushworthydrummerever, and then with SingleMostRockingHusbandEver.
Unfortunately, (for him) I don't ever really think I was truly in love with the one everyone would immediately assume, Mr. B - nah, that was just young lust.

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?
Certainly the fact that he trusts me completely is a great asset, but also he is smart, funny, and above all passionate.

3. What qualities should a significant other have?
Well, after all the trolling I've done, i think a passion for something is vital. They must bring something of themselves to the relationship, and they must be willing to evolve.

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Weirdly enough, I'm afraid I did, though I can't be sure. He's happily (at least as far as I know) married now, and he never accused me of breaking his heart, but he did share that me abandoning him hurt and confused him, but he claims to have understood why I bailed.
Beyond that, I don't think so, I'm not much of a heartbreaker (that I know of, anyway).

5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be
That it is much stronger than you think it is. That's not very helpful, huh? I have this ongoing arguement with a person i know who insists that you shouldn't have to work at love - and i disagree, and yet sort of agree. Because loving someone is tough sometimes, because people are prone to mistakes, and if you are in love with someone, you are bound to watch them fuck shit up sometimes. But you have to let them. Love is forgiving, most of all, I think. It's not perfect, and there's no handbook.
agh, i dunno

Have I mentioned (hold up, what's this crazy format wackiness? it's like someone is a bit too impressed with Macs and Word, which is, IMHO, bad. very, very bad, but anyway, whatever, it's all free, so who'm i to complain), how much i love the new rhett miller cd? yeah. definitely holding me over until the next '97s thing. Meanwhile, I'm getting this weird panicky feeling that I really, REALLY need to archive, somehow, the dirayland stuff. there's like 2 years of decent writing amongst all the gibberish (too bad about the broken photo links though)...must...figure...plan. yeah.
hot today. might hit 90 degrees They say. They. Hurumph.
So yeah, silly questions for today find them at Porchy:
1. Okay, what's the preference at your place at dinner time, rice or potatoes? ...or something else? Hmmm?
Well, SMRHE strongly prefers pasta, but will generally make do with rice if needed. Potatos would be my choice, but realize they don't work all the time - so probably rice makes the appearance the most. Though in winter, I do a lot more pasta.
2. Krispies- ...and how about breakfast? If you're a cereal person, what is your favorite? ...or is there something else you'd prefer to start your day with?
I do like cereal, but don't allow myself enough time to eat it in the morning. I like bread/toast and jam with my coffee. Still. It has been like that since Europe. As a kid, my favorite breakfast (as I really never liked it much, my Mom wasn't much of a fan of breakfast) was chocolate chip cookies and chocolate milk. Lately, I've been digging on the Luna bars or Special K bars for breakfast, and some fruit after I get to work. For special occasions, waffles are my dream breakfast. Though, I like hash browns a lot. It kills me that eating both would stuff me like a pig. Argh.

3. Treats- Has anyone not seen "Finding Nemo"? What treat did you have to buy (or slip in) for it to be a "Theatre Experience"
Didn't go see silly Nemo, and probably won't. I like the classics with movies in the theater: popcorn. salted, no extra butter. My Mom used to smuggle home-popped in for us, and Red Vines were the only candy we ever got at the movies, and still, today, that's what I go for. I don't get a drink, cause I'd end up having to hit the bathroom mid movie, and I can't cope with that at all. I just drink a couple gulps out of whoever I'm with's drink (cause they ALWAYS get drinks. Except Spencer - he was liek me and we got no treats at any of the movies we went to). I'm scared of people who get nachos at the theater. What the hell is that?

sometimes, i guess, it really is just a matter of time. maybe it DOES make sense. maybe there will be some change, if i continue on with my personal change, and SMRHE does as well. what do you say, when someone tells you they are getting help because of you. that you saved their life? what do you say? how do you work around that? it's this weird debt issue. i mean, to be honest, especially given what i've realized about myself now, i understand that i crave that sort of honor and worthiness. that kind of intrisic value. that he sought (and conceivable found) solace around me. and in return, i make things difficult by taking shit way, way, way out of context. everything looks so different even then it did just a week ago.i mean, i get a bigger part of it. there i am, constantly trying to fix a problem that hadn't even been correctly defined yet. there is a reason for the problem i felt, but it isn't what i thought. it isn't me. i mean, sure, i could certainly be thinner, and that wouldn't suck, but it's not that part that i'm craving, it's the desire, and the desire right now is being hijacked by other stuff that has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the last decade. wow. meanwhile, my pissed-off little kid is gonna have to be reined in. and talked to. recognized.
it's not my job to fix it all, yeah? it's not my duty to find a better person/place/thing. fucking hell. how silly. you think you grow up okay, i mean, i didn't get beat, and it seemed like my parents were around a lot (but they were engaging the brothers, not me) , it turns out when i really think it through, on my own. a lot. yeah. and i'm not now.
gotta ask for help today. righto.
spinanes. spencer. agh. when does thatshit stop?

Yeah, so. Didn't remember to Rabbit. Well, until I had already said "don't want to go to work." ah, well.
Yesterday was decent day at Dr. S's. Loads of tears, in a particularily typical way, too. It makes sense now. My inner 9-year-old is pissed off beyond belief. Who knew? well, maybe i did. food for comfort not received before, perhaps? yeah. have to ask someone for help every day. terrific.
meanwhile on to other things:
1. Cats or dogs?
dogs. used to be cats as a kid. but now i'm all about the canine companion.
2. Butterflies or birds?
Gee. Birds I guess, though I still get startled when i run across a butterfly.
3. Horses or cows?
Oooh. Horses. But cows are amusing too.
4. Turtles or snakes?
Turtles, I suppose.
5. Frogs or grasshoppers?
Frogs?
6. Lions or tigers?
Lions.
7. Elephants or mice?
Elephants, of course.
8. Porcupines or aardvarks?
Ah! aardvarks, as they used to be my favorite character to draw!!
9. Unicorns or dragons?
Fucking hate both of them. But, if i have to choose, dragons by a nose. Silly though.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You live in a rather dumpy apartment. A friend offers you a chance to be a roommate at a new place s/he is moving into, but they don't allow pets. You have a pet. Do you find your pet a new home and take the new place, or do you keep your pet and stay put?
Oh for crying out loud, what sort of hatefull person would jettison their pet for new digs? How sad. No. Hell, I have allergies to dogs and cats, and my pets are staying put. Gah. People, come on. Have a little sympathy for the animals.

Golly i hope i can remember to "rabbit rabbit" tomorrow. last time i actually remembered (April!) it worked!

Decent Five today. Questions I ask myself often (too often?):
1. What do you most want to be remembered for?
I've always hoped that I'll be remembered as someone who did the unexpected - though it'd be nice to think that something I have created will be recognized - my photography, or something I wrote.

2. What quotation best fits your outlook on life?
My sig file for a long time has been a Stephen Biko quote: "The greatest weapon of the opressor is the mind of the opressed." I don't know if there is just one quote that I live by. Guess ultimately it comes down to "one day at a time'. An AA anonymous quote. Figures.

3. What single achievement are you most proud of in the past year?
Surviving the Kidtime and the post-Kidtime. I think I made a difference in the Kid's life even if it was brief - I hope the impression lasts.

4. What about the past ten years?
I was pretty fucking stoked to get my debt under control back in '99 or so....

5. If you were asked to give a child a single piece of advice to guide them through life, what would you say?
The same bit my Mom gave me: High school is not forever, IT ends, do not let it get you down - there's a lot more of Life to come.

Ok. Since i'm a list-aholic lately let's go with some What Ifs:
1. What if you had 24 hours to pack up and leave your country forever?
I'd go home right now, pack a bag, jump in the car and drop Scraps off with my Mom, and find out if SMRHE was leaving the country forever too.

2. What if you had 24 hours to get married?
Uh, well, i guess we'd head to Vegas this time, or see which judge could re-do our vows? I mean, i'm already married, so, y'know, it wouldn't be too difficult.

3. What if you had 24 hours to entirely change the way you look, so much as to become unrecognizable?
Hrhm. Glasses back on. Let hair go naturally curley, and dye it red. Wear girly clothes. Speak broken spanish all the time.

4. What if you had 24 hours to make a scientific or historical discovery?
I'd start following my dog around, closely.

5. What if you had 24 hours to meet and befriend the leader of your country?
I'd be buying a pony keg of Pyramid for Dubya, and then he and I would spend some quality time talking about Bono, world debt, and rehab.
Seriously, I would be really working the AA connection.

That's it. I'm buying myself a staplegun and i'm going postering. but not to advertise shows, nope. i'm going to do a little political rabble-rousing. found some nice anti-King George posters here and i am going to excercise my newly re-established right to free speech in this city, and post me some flyers. because i can. and thus, i should. i need to do something that will make me feel like i'm not just sitting by watching them destroy this culture. at least i will have done something. sure, it's not life threatening, but it's something, and maybe it will get someone's attention, or move someone already in agreement to NOT vote for that bastard and TO VOTE for someone else. Maybe is better than nothing at all, i think.

so bored that i'm pretending that someone reads this and that someone cares about my responses to These.
1. Do you prefer silence or do you like background sound (music, TV, etc)?
Background music. But I have learned to deal with silence while reading in deference to SMRHE's preference for silence.
2. Bathe/shower in morning or evening?
Morning shower is a must, it affords me not only bright-eyed-bushy-tailedness, but also decently coiffed hair not possible after sleeping on it wet.
3. Sleeping in complete darkness, or with a nightlight on?
I lust after total darkness.
4. Lay out clothes the night before, or just grab what's closest in the morning?
Lay out the dog-walking togs. What to wear is usually decided mid-walk.
5. Hang up/fold clothes neatly, or just toss them wherever?
combo of folding them and placing them variously. tossing into hamper though. definitely.
6. Work out at a gym, or at home on your own (or do you not bother with exercise)?
At home, on my own, either bike on trainer or miles w/ dog on foot. Would like gym, can't afford gym (either economically or emotionally).
7. Talk on the phone, or via IM/e-mail?
Would prefer more email, but unfortunately, phone is the primary communication device.
8. Are you usually on time, or late?
Generally on time.
9. Spendthrift or frugal?
Frugal, though it feels spendthrifty. I spend too much on quality food items and books.
10. Thought-Provoking Question of the Week: You work with someone who is not in the habit of bathing regularly. The smell seems to be getting worse and worse! Would you: 1. try to do something about it, or 2. try to grin and bear it? If you said 1, what would you do?
I would tell my immediate superior, and hopefully some PC-fiendly thing would happen to help the situation.

So, I like the solo Rhett Miller album (cd, whatever. i'm a dinasuar, live with it) - it doesn't have as many mopey-friendly tunes as "this is what i do" but, i can live with it. and it's got all the best bounce of the poppier "97s stuff, which i have to admit, i do dig a lot. I'm a bit put off by the cover close-up photo thing - it's just a bit too peter framptony - but i'll go with that as well.
speaking of frampton, i was caught like a deer in headlights yesterday when we went to SMRHE's pal's house for a veggie bbq (insert less-than-enthusiastic adjective here describing how a last minute veggie grill-out doesn't really work. it takes WAY more planning to execute that than it does to throw meat on the grill. IMHO anyway) and, in the course of conversation, we discussed not only the Cure (and midway through that discussion my Cure-aholic meter went into the red - this guy was WAY too into the Cure, citing specific albums, etc. bleah. i dig "lovecats" and that's about where it stays with me) but Dinasaur Jr. Now, I loved Dinasaur Jr back in the day (Bug and You're Living All Over Me the most) and let it go after Green Mind (boring. simply drone boring.) - I have some wonderful memories attached to that music courtesy of Todd the CC Bookbuyer, who turned me onto them, (ah, the lunch breaks spent perusing Olsson's looking for the records) and of Austin's own Hilarie, who taught me the value of Djr while tripping. Anyway, we were talking about good stuff they did (SMRHE's pal intimating that Djr sucked "too noisy and sloppy" but loved J Mascis' solo stuff) and i said - yeah, but Dino Jr did this fantastic Peter Frampton cover, you know, the big hit - and I was met with blank stares.
That, kids, is how old i am. it used to be, everyone i hung out with knew the answer to that question, and now...crickets chirping as i struggle to remember the name of that blasted one hit that catapulted Frampton Alive. How sad. The young'ns just don't know the rock. Hell, they think Nirvana was groundbreaking. Which, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Groundbreaking in that they brought it to the masses, but they were not the first to bring it back to ground zero. Man, it's just soo strange to realize how long ago it all was.
Right, so , how 'bout the Five?
1. What brand of toothpaste do you use?
Aquafresh, tarter control, thankyouverymuch.
Should use it on Scraps.

2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer?
Scott Tissue. I have a huge massive dislike for puffy, wasteful t.p. Not to mention a sever fear of being out of t.p. years of group living will do that for you.
Mom always used the Scott though, so it's what i know. Economical too though.

3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear?
No specific preference. I'm weird with shoes. Currently, i have a nice pair of land's end sneakers (suede bowling-style) and boots from eddie bauer (got in the sample shop, they probably don't make them anymore) and a pair of caballero Vans, polo sneakers, and um, some off-brand hiking shoes. oh, and riding boots. french. agile i believe. but i'm not beholden to any maker (maybe in the day, Vans, but not so much anymore). Convers for the first month, but then they turn to crap on your feet.

4. What brand of soda do you drink?
Diet Cola, either of the major brands. SMRHE does the Dew.

5. What brand of gum do you chew?
Big Red.

And, if my ongoing quest to write more, but constantly relying on questions to limp along here goes a new meme for Thursday:
1. If the President called up and said that he'd do his darnedest to implement any one policy or program you chose, what would you choose?
Healthcare. Nationalize it. Yes, just like Canada. No, I'm not afraid. The cost of healthcare in this country is insane, it's overinflated and access is limited to those who have money & insurance (just insurance doesn't even get you by anymore). And include dental, as we don't want to end up tlike Great Britian. Yucky.
2. Is there scientific knowledge best left undiscovered?
Gosh I don't think so anymore - possibly though there might be some call for scientific discoveries left unused.

3. If you could proclaim a new national holiday, what would it be and how would we celebrate it?
National Pay Attention To The World Around You Day. Celebrated with a paid day off and any bills that may be due on the day designated are null and void. Yay!
Hopefully, it would morph into a day where people create, and interact, and do something other than drive and work and bitch and whine about how much stuff sucks.

So, for whatever reason, spring or the onset of spring usually finds me digging out my jeans jacket. The jean jacket always brings to mind the ASB President I served with at HSU. At the time, I would never have admitted it (because i was quite linked up with my uber-Svengali) but I was super smitten with him. Lanky, poli-sci major, anarchist inclined (but tended to socialist action) and with beautiful eyes and a tendancy to call me things like "sport", "kiddo" and "tiger". All of which made me melt. No one had ever referred to me by nicknames (ok, i was "chella" for a bit, but I'm pretty sure Dena did that to make a backhanded swipe at me) before, and i loved it. Anyway, he always wore his levi jacket, rain or shine, and it had just one small green "wage peace" button on it. I remember thinking that was so...oh, hell, cool. Recently, as i was daydreaming on the bus about whatever happened to him, it occurred to me that MCWDITW bore a striking resemblance to ASBPG, just more compact, younger, and uh, certainly not a socialist. Why am i thinking these things? Dunno. Slow week, I guess. On to Friday.
1. What drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?
Well, sure, I prefer bottled. But i think plastic bottles are wasteful, so i use a filter system.
At my mom's we drink straight from the tap - well water.

2. What are your favourite flavor of chips?
No flavor, just plain kettle potato chips (mmmhmm, salt and oil whore right here!!), or plain tortilla (good ones though, NOT the cheapie store brands) with salsa. If it's got to be flavored (and i really don't prefer that) i do like the occasional dill pickle or ketchup (in canada and europe). I will eat a few nacho doritos, the nitrates kick my butt.

3. Of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?
Tough call, cause i cook a LOT of good stuff. I think the thing i crave most is the Basque chicken with rice - i frigging love that stuff. Also, chimichurra swordfish(or any fish) is also a fave.

4. How do you have your eggs?
Gah. Fried, hard, or omlette. Not broken scrambled, and do not ever bring me a soft-cooked egg. I will give it to the dog.

5. Who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?
Golly. I think it was Karen...it was ok. Baked chicken (beer can style), bread, and a fruit salad. Good wine. Yeah.

A little something new from Here. Could get to be a(nother) habit. Little steps. Big news though: SMRHE convinced me to quit talking about it and doing it. Things can only get better. Right?
Anyway:

1. Packrat or minimalist?
recovering packrat. with aspirations to minimalism. no, seriously.
2. Computer: desktop or laptop?
Desktop, with aspirations, but not funding for a laptop.
3. Seashore or mountains?
Ouch. Depends on which. Let's say northern california coast, where i can get as close to both in one without going to, say, Norway. Ick, Norway.
Ultimately, though, I guess I'd go mountains, for the more private option. Seems like people will always migrate to the sea.
4. Carpeting or bare floors?
Ohh, bare hardwoods, of course!
5. Drinking water: bottled or tap?
Bottled, unless i somehow find a way to live where water is okay to drink (and where's that, like Greenland or something?) from the tap.
6. Shopping websites: eBay or Amazon?
Started at Amazon, went thru the usual ugly period of Ebay, and now, mostly neither. Amazon was the last one i used though. Out of those two options anyway.
7. Cute little kitties or big scary tigers?
Tigers. Always with the tigers.
8. Front door or back door?
Back door.
9. Lots of jewelry, or little/none?
Dunno. 5 rings, 3 earrings, one necklace, same ones (yep, even the earrings) every day. Only the rings come off when i'm baking bread. Is that a little jewelry?
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: At the last minute, you obtain tickets to an event you're dying to attend. However, you have to work that day! Do you ask the boss for the time off, or just call in sick?
Depends on how short notice. Up to the day before, asking the boss generally isn't a problem. if for some reason, i found out at 11pm that i could go to...i dunno FRANCE the next morning. Yeah, i'd call in sick.

Ah, yes, another Mother's Day done. In fine style, the youngest brother "hosted" a bbq for Mom, but then proceeded to invite people to the fete that she really didn't know/doesn't like (other than her offspring, of course) and so it was a bit uncomfortable. Youngest Bro is a bit out of control lately, and i predict he's in for an ugly ephiphany shortly. Meanwhile, SMRHE fully rocks the acoustic action lately, and my nephew is a riot, literally and figuratively. Best LJ quote of the day:
me: "So now what are y'gonna do LJ?"
him: "EAT." and like a good little maw-filler he ambled over to the picnic table and filled his bowl with chips and grapes. Comes by that honestly, that's for sure.
Later, he pitched a fit when the 4-wheeler was put up.
So much like his dad, it's frightening.
He's also very attuned to having his picture taken. VERY attuned. To the point of me not really digging on snapping him, it's so cheesy. Ah well. So goes my *art*.
Meanwhile, from friday just for kicks...or something.

1. Would you consider yourself an organized person? Why or why not?
No. Never really have been. I'm one of those people who puts everything off until the last minute - and sometimes my ability makes up for my slackness, but usually it just means i'm really scattered. i go through periods where i have my shit together, but they are brief. i think my lack of organization comes from being a smart kid in school, and most things came easy, and i found that often, working on the fly, i seemed to work the best. I often won speaking competitions by working exteperaneously, which probably means i should have stayed in radio. go into radio? i do have a good voice. hrm.

2. Do you keep some type of planner, organizer, calendar, etc. with you, and do you use it regularly?
I have one. I took, on Kinko's dime, one of those Franklin Covey classes, and for a couple of months it really had me stoked. But now, my daytimer is basically retired - i use it more like a permanent folder, or an address book, more than anything else.

3. Would you say that your desk is organized right now?
Well, at work it is, but it's slow right now, and it's a shared desk. I mean it's primarily mine, but only by default. At home, there is no desk, so nope, it's not organized.

4. Do you alphabetize CDs, books, and DVDs, or does it not matter?
I used to, especially with albums, because the spines are hard to read - but SMRHE barely gets them back into the cases, so i've given up trying to keep them alphabetized - i used to liek it because it made things easier to find. But, nah, it doesn't matter.

5. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to organize?
Bills. absolutely.

Hanging tenuously here with the whole "writing" and "updating" thing. trying to make it a habit, but times are a bit rough at the moment. hopefully this too shall pass. Unitl then, the pseudobio contiues with the Friday Five:

1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
"Let's talk about sex" by Salt & Pepa. It reminds me of a lot of insanestuff, but most of all, it reminds me of Europe, where it was the only song in English we ever heard on the radio. I dug the Teenage Mutant Nija themesong then too - but it was "Torta Ninja" there.

2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
Wow, i don't think...oh, well, there is one: "Tick Tock" by the Vaughan brothers. It kills me to think of the potential talent lost, and SRV's whole story is just so tragic. But i can't think of a second one that really makes me cry. plenty make me a little sad - but not really cry-inducing. Eventually, it'll probably be an Uncle Tupelo song.

3. Name three songs that turn you on.
Huh. Husker Du - "flip your wig"
Prince "darling nikki" (no brainer, eh?)
and uh, let's call it "Ashtray Monument" by Jawbreaker, though most any song of theirs makes me, uhm, revved up.


4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
"heavy metal drummer" by wilco
"calendar" by 7seconds
"my life" by this side up
"indictment" by jawbreaker

5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without
"Jesus, etc" by wilco
"new wind" by 7 seconds
"frogger" bad religion
"spitfire" spinanes
and "busy" by jawbreaker

Almost a week behind, but bored to pieces, so here goes the Five.

1. What was the last TV show you watched?
Sadly, it was this morning's news locally. as per usual, it sucked. but i like most people only watch it for incorrect weather predictions...

2. What was the last thing you complained about?
The bitch who lives upstairs and how i don't think i should have to pay half the utilities for 1/3 the use of them. Luckily, i said it to my landlord, and he said to go ahead and pay a third of the utilities. woohoo!

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?
Gosh, i think i just did that to my coworker - i told him he was our favorite member of that specific department (because to me, he is).

4. What was the last thing you threw away?
Huh, i took out the recycling this morning. but the last thing i put in the garbage can here at work was of course, paper.

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?
Wilcomovie.com

is it just me, or are there some constants in my celebrity choices lately?
maybe i just don't watch enough damn tv.

seriously, i'm really close to actually getting back into writing on a regular basis. i gave my music notice last night. finally. on to better things, i hope.

(didn't get this finished last week...)

Ok. Still not sure what's in my heart, other than a big black mass of goo right now. As far as the band goes - it looks like the destruction (like the creation) is all in my hands - again. I know the smart thing to do is to cut my losses and bail on this - i don't have the cash to engage in this sort of half-hearted bullshit. so i dunno what to do. i hate that everything has to come down to money, and it grates on me that i was, ever so briefly, out of major debt - i had it in control. and now i don't. and it's a drag. but anyway, on to some nice diversionary turf: Friday!:
1. Who is your favorite celebrity?
Golly. My gut says John McEnroe, but i think that's a throwback reaction. I like to keep tabs of Kevin Smith, though lately i've been indulging in sucking up a lot of wilco/jeff tweedy information. it'll pass. celebs. hmm........so many to choose from: ooooh! Mick and Keef!! I love them!
2. Who is your least favorite?
Bah, any "supermodel".

3. Have you ever met or seen any celebrities in real life?
Quite a few, actually. Jamie Lee Curtis has an insane burly handshake. Billy Idol is Elvis and i know so after being ejected from his hospitality suite. Uhm...yeah.

4. Would you want to be famous? Why or why not?
Well, sure. Though i'd like to be famous for doing something cool, like creating a song or a work of art or a political action. Not for marrying someone or being in the right place at the right time. I'd like to have access to more things, and not spend as much time doing tedious job things.

5. If you had to trade places with a celebrity for a day, who would you choose and why
Ah, sure. Green Day. Or let's go big guns and say Lisa Marie Presley. I mean, if you're gonna try it out, you might as well try it full on.

Agh.
I fear my heart isn't in the band - again. I just don't feel like i'm doing what i'm supposed to do. i feel like i'm swimming upstream. i am good at writing and photography, and yet i insist on playing music, which i'm a hack at.
What to do. Especially since i've invited Lia and Carlene on board. Hrm. Maybe i can just drop out gracefully.
Lately, i'd just like to be able to crawl up into a ball and be alone.Seriously. Not just feel alone, but be.
Right. So the Five are kinda interesting today:
1. What was the first band you saw in concert?
The first band I ever saw was Modo Vita at a rollerrink somewhere on the Eastside (I think). Then some stuff at Bumbershoot. My first big-arena RAWK show was a crazy bill at the Kingdome: Joan Jett, Loverboy, Blue Oyster Cult and Foreigner. I cannot tell a lie: I was there to see Loverboy. It was wonderful in all the classic ways: a joint being passed through the crowd, godzilla coming out of the stage when BOC played "Godzilla" Foreigner and their hair...good stuff. Joan rocked, but i wasn't hip enough to appreciate it, much less her.

2. Who is your favorite artist/band now?
Currently gigging: Juno
Alltime favorite: Gits, 7Seconds, Jawbreaker

3. What's your favorite song?
Heh. so very many to choose from...but i think it's probably "The Inside". 7Seconds, from New wind.

4. If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Heh. Bass. No, kidding. Drums.

5. If you could meet any musical icon (past or present), who would it be and why?
I think i might like to hang out with Mick & Keith. Or Ringo. No, no, .....ELVIS! I mean for crying out loud, if yer gonna hang out with an icon....go for broke, yeah?

"Freedom's taste is unquenchable."
Please, please let that be a(nother) presidential misquote. What a butcher of the English language. You have to really suck to make me miss Clinton in office, that's all i've got to say.
Also: well of course the Kurds are happy. Jeez. I have begun to read the Atlantic Monthly and the Nation (both I haven't red since college) - just because I have to hear some sort of logical discussion of world affairs - you just can't get that on broadcast news these days.
"It appears" Hussian's regime has fallen. Well, for now. But someone's gonna make a power grab once the dust settles. and meanwhile how do Bahgdad's people get water and electricity turned back on?

Woohoo, it's Friday..
Apologies to anyone who might be reading this that it has become a friday five update section. i promise, a real "insert clever phrase"-worthy style will return soon. soon

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?
Only counting the ones i can really remember (none of that "apartment when i was a baby" stuff): 12. Three apartments; 9 houses (4 of those being of the group variety, 3 being homes with my family, one house with husband ((though it's a duplex, so it's only 1/2 a house really)) and one tiny house all by myself with Scraps. Ah, those were the days....)

2. Which was your favorite and why?
Well, sure, the little one i was alone in for pure life-purposes. But coolest house as far as the structure goes: the house we lived in in leona valley. It was on 5 acres of land, and the house itself had a living room with adobe walls, a kitchen with a pot-bellied stove, and my room had these wonderful built-in shelves, a glass door with an old-school key/lock, and it had a door to the outside via the laundry room! Oh yeah, and it had a great old bathtub with feet, and the living room had an enormous picture window in the living room that overlooked our whole front orchard and a good chunk of the valley. The living room also featured 18" thick adobe walls (really!) and paniment stone from death valley, and a ceiling made from huge pine poles. My father used to have a whole speil he'd give to visitors. I wished I'd taped it or written it down...we used to give him such a hard time about "The Tour".

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?
It goes both ways for me. Mostly though, I like it, as I like beginnings. Some situations that precede the moves (especially from group houses) are usually a bit stressful, but generally I don't stress over it. It's a pain to actually DO the packing and shit, but I overall like it because i always seem to have friends that want to help, and then it means we end up spending a couple of days hanging out (so i can pay them in food and beverages), so it's usually ok overall. But some moves suck, but it's usually because the move is required, or forced in some way (or you're escaping some heinous situation).

4. What's more important, location or price?
Well - price is pretty important, but location is usually what rules my final decision, if Ive got enough money to allow it.
So yeah, price ultimately.
And if they take dogs.

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?
Gun turrets.
Nah. It's got lots of room around it (garden-ish), a large porch, fireplace, french doors connected to my bedroom (don't care if they go to the hall or the deck, but somewhere, and a big kitchen with wide counters and light. Yeah. Oh, and a bathroom with the spiffy toilets, and one of those hip granite shower/japanese soaking tubs.
Oh, and a laundry room with sharp euro style washer and dryer.

Another Friday.
1. What was your most memorable moment from the last week?
The emergency pet clinic telling me that they wouldn't be able to give me & Scraps the care that we deserve right then.

2. What one person touched your life this week?
Rodney calling up out of the blue after about 6 mos. of silence.

3. How have you helped someone this week?
Well, that's always a tough call now isn't it? I helped my mom just feel better. Since my dad died 8 years ago, sometimes she had some serious blue periods and needs some cheerleading. And i helped her take care of her horses and stuff - so that's always good. Took the dog to the vet - i'm sure that helped her, but i should have done it sooner. And everyday i help people make their reprographic dreams come true (cough, cough).

4. What one thing do you need to get done by this time next week?
Must get taxes done. Must.

5. What one thing will you do over the next seven days to make your world a better place?
i'm going to continue to practice non-attachement/patience because i believe that good will reproduces exponentially.

Yikes, another week almost gone by, and me with so much to say, and no one really, to say it to.
Recently, the band project took an uplifting twist and now we're not gonna be a cover band anymore, and to that i say hurrah!
"Bowling for Columbine" won an Oscar, and Michael Moore did exactly as I expected. Could have been a bit more graceful, but the sentiment is appreciated. Anything less, and I would have been quick to call him a hypocrite. Because for someone like him, if he had taken that stage and not said anything, it would have gone against everything he's ever put on film or on paper. So, while I thought he was on the eloquence tip - what with talking about being filmakers who deal with reality, etc, and the regime in the White House not dealing with the rest of the world in a way that would indicate they have any sort of clue about reality, he devolved into a wimpy (in my opinion) "Shame on You" - i thought that choice of phrasing was lame, but at least he took the moment to voice his dissent.
And that, if anyone out there is reading this, is what the USA is all about. You can snivel all you want, but if you truly value your freedom then you sure as hell better excercise it. I'm sick of listening to people who don't even know the names of their state senator (not US congressman/woman, your STATE legislator, the person who really and truly can make things better or worse for you today...) tell me we should "back the president" back him? Back him into a corner and squash him like a bug before he gets us into so much trouble that there WILL be more attacks on our soil.
Today, a coworker who is intelligent, but definitely conservative, told me that ultimately he believes that this President and his minions are really trying to send a message to the rest of the world that goes something like this:
"Look, quit coming here looking for democracy and wealth. Go back to your own country and create your own democracy and wealth. If you don't create some democracy and wealth soon, then we're going to have to FORCE you to do that. For your own good. No, really, for your own good."
I shared my belief that I honestly do not feel that the United States of America was founded on that belief. We are where you come if you want democracy. No one ever said we were supposed to impose that belief on others. That's the point: those who want to live in a free, somewhat open market-representational democracy, you come here. The rest of you, go somewhere else. Life isn't fair, we can't make everyone happy and free, and they certainly aren't looking to make us happy or more successful.
Yes, yes, i know, plenty of other countries put limits on immigration - but see, that's why we're America dammit. We are different. Aren't we? Aren't we?
I was asked what i thought we should "do" about Iraq instead of invade. Well, at this point, i don't really see as there's much point in doing anything. We've spit in the water - there's no take backs. We put sanctions on a country that can't feed itself. We turned a population that worshiped us in Serbia completely against us by using sanctions incorrectly (correct use: South Africa) - so the only option I see, is to allow Iraquis who want to leave Iraq to come here - much as we did Iranians in the '70s. Of course, it'd be nice if we let more than just the richest of the population come. Do I worry about overloading social sevices? Not really - because here's the thing: to create change, you must take a diffinitive action. How about American companies willing to set up shop in Iraq get tax breaks or bennies like those who work with China do? China doesn't treat their people well. Ultimately, it's a not doing anything sort of action, but you have to respect that Iraq, and Baghdad is one of the oldest nations on earth.